Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)

[Drum2012]

To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.  

Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be)  Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women.  I always saw myself getting married and having many kids.  I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself.  But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety.  When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay?  It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me.  I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me.  It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me.  When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy.  I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting.  I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.  

To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn.  I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay)  But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.  

For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?"  While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses.  I would but it would be like as if I get an erection.  From what I have read it's just the fear.  But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake.  I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.  

I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.  
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?

SORRY this is sooooo long

[tyboy]

I'm a 18 year old male and I'm suffering with the same thing, my anxiety is up and down, I've learned to accept them and just agree with them and my anxiety goes down, then i worry if I'm really accepting the thoughts cause i enjoy them then can spike again, I'm on some medication and waiting to see a therapist, I just want to know how other people get by, it really depressed me I've even gone on a break with my girlfriend, I've always loved girls, but this crazy though just came up when i was in the hot tub with a friend, i just thought to myself this feels gay, then bam, i was avoiding him the next day, and wanting to cry cause i didn't want to be gay, now its calmed down abit after 2 months which also kind of worries me.

[Patrik_Mande]

And Now Its good ?

[michaelknapp]

When I read this I realized noticed that I have had 100% of the same symptoms/experiences.  Also i have had the same fear of bi-ocd when it lowered a little bit.  I'm starting to shake more and am having a rough time with this because I am a strong believer of christ and just feel terrible for even having that sense of doubt.  Have you solved this yet, if so what did you do?

[Drum2012]

okay thanks

[JGF25]

Stay away from anything that you think might trigger the irrational thinking.  So yes...porn would fall into that category.  The internet as well depending on what you are searching for.

[Drum2012]

Okay so I think I'm almost out of HOCD but there are some things that still leave me in question.  Since I've been telling myself that I have liked girls all my life and never have wanted to be with a guy it has helped my anxiety go down a bunch.  I'm more motivated than I was before.  I still have a few problems.  

Since I'm pretty much positive I'm not gay it's turned into more of a bi-ocd.  The thing is I'm not okay with being bi-sexual but my mind is telling me it's okay and that I like it(kinda as if I'm accepting it) The thing is I still don't want to be with men.  When my mind is relaxed sometimes it feels as though i've given into the idea.  

Another thing that kinda bothers me still but I try not to let it is whenever I see a guy that looks good or has good hair or something to that extent I get nervous and anxious still. I don't even have to think about being gay it will just kinda happen.  Which freaks me out.  This also leads to my attraction to women.  It is still not there.  I can tell when I girl looks really pretty but my want to be with her is not there.  Also sometimes when I talk to some of my guy friends it feels as though I'm flirting with them.  And then I'm like what the hell am I doing and then I have a bit of a panic attack and try to calm myself down saying it's just the HOCD.  

Also before I had all these problems I was really addicted to pornography. Whenever I watch it from time to time it feels like i'm gonna start watching the guy and like it.  I never really cared for the guy in the past so why should I now.  Should I try not to watch porn for a while?  

[Samuel0123]

OMG this is exactly what I'm going through man, I need help.

[JGF25]

My family participated in an on-going study on OCD at Johns Hopkins University.  My mother had anxiety, and two of my three sisters have OCD as well as me.  They have found a genetic component to it and that it can be passed down in families but the study is still ongoing so I don't know what percentage is familiar.  Take care and I'm so glad that you have wonderful parents that you can talk to!