Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)

[Drum2012]

To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.  

Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be)  Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women.  I always saw myself getting married and having many kids.  I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself.  But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety.  When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay?  It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me.  I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me.  It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me.  When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy.  I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting.  I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.  

To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn.  I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay)  But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.  

For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?"  While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses.  I would but it would be like as if I get an erection.  From what I have read it's just the fear.  But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake.  I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.  

I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.  
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?

SORRY this is sooooo long

[jon_snow97]

I think I am going to tell my parents but I am going to have to take some time before i do. And yea i have religiously scoured the internet for posts about HOCD but even though I was reassured at the time, I would never be satisfied with it over time. Now, I look at other peoples HOCD posts and think "they are obviously going through HOCD i wish my problems were like theirs rather than how mine are" i just never feel like my symptoms exactly match up... and are you saying that it's possible that I actually am gay but just have ocd about it?

I know you have already said that you don't think I am gay but I just think like this and i HATE it. Every little detail that points towards me being a homosexual amplifies and twists my mind. I can't handle it. And what I meant before was I saw the difference between being in gay denial and ocd is if you were gay you would be anxious about what family think and that with hocd you would be afraid of not being hetrosexual. At the start of my ocd i remember being afraid of what family and friends would think but i can't remember if I was afraid of not being attracted to women any more.

I know you've already explained all this to me but I never feel like it covers everything and the parts of what I'm feeling that arent explained to me are the parts that mean I am actually gay. I don't get sexually aroused thinking about men which is reassuring but i still seem to be checking them out... I can tell you're thinking that you've already explained this already and why don't I get it but as I'm sure you know, this ocd is vicious... thanks again :)

[JGF25]

You know, I have boys...19 and 17 and I would hope that if they were having some sort of problem that they would come to me.  You wouldn't believe how understanding parents are.  Why don't you tell them the truth.  Tell them what has been going on in your mind, that you looked it up online and found HOCD and that is what you think you have, and that you would like to see a psychologist because you are not able to let the thought go.  That you are miserable and it is causing you to have anxiety.  

Have you looked on this forum?  I mean really looked through the posts?  The majority of them are HOCD posts.  Do you think that all these people are gay?  It is a very, very common irrational thought.  I had it myself once and I was married at the time.  It is a thought that would turn your life upside down if it were true and that is what OCD thoughts do.  We pick the scariest thing and we run with it.  

I am going to bump something to the top by Sparky43.  It really describes OCD in a nutshell so give it a look.  

[jon_snow97]

but is what I described to you normal for someone with hocd? and how do i tell my parents?

[JGF25]

If you don't feel comfortable tell your parents exactly what is bothering you, then you can tell them that you are having some anxiety and that it won't go away.  Tell them that your mind feels like it is in overdrive and you would like to see a doctor to help you.  

[jon_snow97]

but is it normal to not have that attraction to girls all the time? because I haven't had proper attraction to girls since this started like two months ago. Should I get professional help and how should i tell my parents? I am in the middle of a spike at the moment, and it has probably been the worst one I have ever had. I guess im handling it better than the initial spike though but barely. But with this spike I actually feel like I am really gay. Like there is almost no attraction to girls at all (unless they were girls I saw as attractive before the HOCD) and i hate myself for experimenting with masturbation because when i think about that it turns me on! but thinking about having sex with either guy or girl doesnt! I know i have to try not to check but its almost impossible. And also you were talking about having anxiety attacks which I dont get. I just get sad and it feels like I am in denial. I am so sorry for asking so many questions but it just doesnt sink in with my brain! Everytime i realise what i have isnt gay denial, my "symptoms" change and I feel different to everyone else with HOCD. Is this normal? I think this spike may be due to the pot i did last week. the day after i did it, this spike began, but that was before i decided to quit.

[JGF25]

Oh trust me...I know exactly what your brain is doing because remember...I have the same brain.