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Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)
To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.
Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be) Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women. I always saw myself getting married and having many kids. I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself. But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety. When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay? It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me. I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me. It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me. When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy. I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting. I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.
To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn. I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay) But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.
For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?" While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses. I would but it would be like as if I get an erection. From what I have read it's just the fear. But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake. I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.
I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?
SORRY this is sooooo long
Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be) Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women. I always saw myself getting married and having many kids. I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself. But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety. When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay? It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me. I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me. It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me. When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy. I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting. I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.
To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn. I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay) But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.
For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?" While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses. I would but it would be like as if I get an erection. From what I have read it's just the fear. But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake. I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.
I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?
SORRY this is sooooo long
ok that actually makes me feel alot better :) I didnt know it was possible to worry about something this much. Sorry for asking you to answer honestly and stuff i just get so paranoid that my brain made me think that you were just saying i had HOCD to stop me from getting anxious because you thought i was actually gay.
All the things you are doing add up to checking behavior and remember in my post...checking just keeps you in the OCD loop.
You wrote "if you were gay you wouldn't be scared of losing attraction to girls." I say if you were gay you wouldn't be attracted to girls in the first place. I can only go by what you say and so I'm going with HOCD. I don't know you personally. I can't diagnose you but rather just give you my opinion.
I still say that if being in a relationship with a guy turns you off, then how could you possibly be gay? In order to be gay you have to look at the same sex, get sexually excited, and want to pursue that feeling into a sexual relationship. Remember, the way gay people feel about the same sex is the same way heterosexual people feel about the opposite sex.
AND I would never lie to you. I gain nothing from lying and I'm certainly not doing you any good by lying so I look at the facts as they are presented to me and I give an honest opinion.
You wrote "if you were gay you wouldn't be scared of losing attraction to girls." I say if you were gay you wouldn't be attracted to girls in the first place. I can only go by what you say and so I'm going with HOCD. I don't know you personally. I can't diagnose you but rather just give you my opinion.
I still say that if being in a relationship with a guy turns you off, then how could you possibly be gay? In order to be gay you have to look at the same sex, get sexually excited, and want to pursue that feeling into a sexual relationship. Remember, the way gay people feel about the same sex is the same way heterosexual people feel about the opposite sex.
AND I would never lie to you. I gain nothing from lying and I'm certainly not doing you any good by lying so I look at the facts as they are presented to me and I give an honest opinion.
yea i have decided to quit. Also i have noticed that my OCD symptoms change. its quite strange and im not sure if it's normal. Like if i read on a forum that you get a tingling in your groin when you think of a guy or something and i have that symptom it usually never happens again. Or like if i read that the difference between denial anxiety and HOCD anxiety is that if you were gay you wouldn't be scared of losing attraction to girls just about what your family and friend thinks of you and i would think that i was only scared of what they would think? So you are defiantly sure that it is HOCD? i dunno my mind just needs to get all the details. Also, if i read something that makes me sure its HOCD not actually homosexual thoughts it will never sink in. I can never remember the symptoms for HOCD and if i have one "sign" that im gay it will put my brain into overdrive i hate it. Is the "lingering" on guys normal as well? Could it just be that im noticing if a guy has a good body or something and that i should just acknowledge that its not in a homosexual way? It seems like i am "checking out" guys when I'm not even thinking about the ocd. If you think I am gay please answer honestly I just want to know what and who I am
Hi sorry...I have been unable to sign-on due to some glitch with the website. Anyway, no I don't think you are gay. I know your mind is muddled up right now. It is hard to know up from down.
An OCD mind is never an idle mind...at least mine isn't. There is an ever ongoing dialog in my head...I don't have a quiet mind so anything that is a stimulant is going to make things worse for me. So I gave up caffeine because it is a stimulant. Pot acts as a stimulant and a depressant. You would not be the first person to come on here or the Anxiety Forum and say that after smoking pot they found themselves with anxiety. So my advice is to lay off the pot.
An OCD mind is never an idle mind...at least mine isn't. There is an ever ongoing dialog in my head...I don't have a quiet mind so anything that is a stimulant is going to make things worse for me. So I gave up caffeine because it is a stimulant. Pot acts as a stimulant and a depressant. You would not be the first person to come on here or the Anxiety Forum and say that after smoking pot they found themselves with anxiety. So my advice is to lay off the pot.
I was also wondering if smoking pot could have anything to do with this? i have done it about 10-12 times over the past 6 months. Could it be causing this and should i stop? Also I am usually tired most of the time. I get distracted at night and usually stay up late. Also could you please answer my previous question? Sorry but Im really desperate for answers haha I'm sure everyone on this forum knows what that is like. Thanks!
by Gshock, 38 minutes
I have had this stupid hocd thoughts as well. I thought I was going crazy. Definitely a chemical imbalance caused by stress. I obsess about everything and then oneday that popped in my head. It stuck for a longtime. I love women and everything about them. Never did I dream or feel anything about men. The OCD got worse and drove me nuts. I know I'm straight and always was. I guess the mind plays trucks on us when we get so stressed out. My doctor recently put me on lexapro and a anxiety pill. Working great but sometimes I have to reassure myself by reading articles that this is normal and it will pass with time.
I have had this stupid hocd thoughts as well. I thought I was going crazy. Definitely a chemical imbalance caused by stress. I obsess about everything and then oneday that popped in my head. It stuck for a longtime. I love women and everything about them. Never did I dream or feel anything about men. The OCD got worse and drove me nuts. I know I'm straight and always was. I guess the mind plays trucks on us when we get so stressed out. My doctor recently put me on lexapro and a anxiety pill. Working great but sometimes I have to reassure myself by reading articles that this is normal and it will pass with time.
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