Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)

[Drum2012]

To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.  

Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be)  Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women.  I always saw myself getting married and having many kids.  I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself.  But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety.  When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay?  It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me.  I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me.  It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me.  When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy.  I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting.  I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.  

To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn.  I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay)  But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.  

For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?"  While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses.  I would but it would be like as if I get an erection.  From what I have read it's just the fear.  But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake.  I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.  

I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.  
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?

SORRY this is sooooo long

[Drum2012]

Thanks for replying so soon!! :)  I have told my parents about my situation and they thankfully are pretty open minded to the whole thing.  I was worried they would have some kind a freak out moment that there son was having these thoughts.  They didn't and they said that they would do there best to find some help.  Just wondering is it possible that deep anxiety, stress, and mental problems can be heredity? I know my dad suffered with anxiety for a while, and my grandmother also suffered with extreme cases of mental problems like mine (believing things that aren't true)  

Also I'm not sure if this could have influenced my HOCD, but I am a music major and very artistic person.  I'm around gays a lot and I also I have cousin on my dads side who is also a music major who turned out to be gay.  

Anyways the fear of turning gay never crossed my mind until recently. That's why I know it's HOCD or some type of OCD.  I never questioned my sexuality before. I was always 100% positive I was straight.  But all this fear, anxiety, and stress has made me believe I'm something I'm not.  It feels SOOOO real, like as if it is telling me i want to be with a man.  But deep down I know I never could or want to be with a man. And with all this anxiety and stress my attraction to women is not as strong as it was at all.  Which freaks me out even more!

I just want to live life the way it was before. I was really happy with myself.  Thanks I will let you know how things go in the future.  Sorry I'm explaining everything in so much detail.  And I will use the advice you gave me!

[Samuel0123]

Yo I'm going through the same thing this it's freaking me out man

[Patrik_Mande]

Samuel how Are you ? Its good ? You Are gay or no ?

[JGF25]

People with OCD tend to go to the dark side in any number of ways.  My belief in whether people are gay or not is steeped in genetics.  I think you are born gay or you are not.  So the fact that being with another man turns you off means that you are not gay.  There really is no question here.  All the testing you are doing is just making this thought stick around.  What you need to do is say to yourself "I LIKE WOMEN AND ALWAYS HAVE, ENOUGH."  Comparing yourself to other men is very common.  I notice other women and whether their hair looks nice or their body is better than mine.  It is just me comparing myself to them because hell I want to look as good as the next 48 year old woman out there.  

Since you have had other OCD irrational thoughts, do you think it is time to get some professional help?  The more stress you have the worse OCD gets and it really is a good idea to have some cognitive behavioral therapy tools under your belt so that you can help yourself.  So think about talking to your parents about getting some counseling.I have a son your age and I would hate to think he was suffering in silence when all he had to do is talk to me so that I can get him some help.  

In the mean time here is a breathing technique you can use to help calm yourself down.  YOu take a deep breath in through your nose and hold it for 5 seconds..count this out in your head.  Then you let it all out through your mouth.  YOu can do this in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  Practice it when you can.  

Also, try to stop the testing.  just say "NO" when you start to even go there.  Good luck and let me know how you are doing.  

[Drum2012]

Also I've had other kind of fears (ocd) in the past.  When I was a freshman in high school I had a fear that I had HIV for about a week, even though I am still a virgin.  And I also kept thinking about my breathing fearing that I would stop breathing in the middle of the night.  Am I just prone to ocd??