Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)

[Drum2012]

To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.  

Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be)  Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women.  I always saw myself getting married and having many kids.  I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself.  But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety.  When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay?  It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me.  I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me.  It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me.  When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy.  I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting.  I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.  

To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn.  I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay)  But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.  

For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?"  While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses.  I would but it would be like as if I get an erection.  From what I have read it's just the fear.  But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake.  I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.  

I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.  
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?

SORRY this is sooooo long

[Drum2012]

okay thanks

[michaelknapp]

When I read this I realized noticed that I have had 100% of the same symptoms/experiences.  Also i have had the same fear of bi-ocd when it lowered a little bit.  I'm starting to shake more and am having a rough time with this because I am a strong believer of christ and just feel terrible for even having that sense of doubt.  Have you solved this yet, if so what did you do?

[tyboy]

I'm a 18 year old male and I'm suffering with the same thing, my anxiety is up and down, I've learned to accept them and just agree with them and my anxiety goes down, then i worry if I'm really accepting the thoughts cause i enjoy them then can spike again, I'm on some medication and waiting to see a therapist, I just want to know how other people get by, it really depressed me I've even gone on a break with my girlfriend, I've always loved girls, but this crazy though just came up when i was in the hot tub with a friend, i just thought to myself this feels gay, then bam, i was avoiding him the next day, and wanting to cry cause i didn't want to be gay, now its calmed down abit after 2 months which also kind of worries me.

[Patrik_Mande]

And Now Its good ?

[jon_snow97]

im a 15 year old male and im suffereing from the same stuff as well. I always loved girls, and i was addicted to porn. back in year 7 I had this massive crush on this girl, like i mean obbsessed. i had a crush on her since like year 3. She liked me for a bit until i got too... i dunno, creepy i guess. Anyway she started ignoring me and i kept on trying until i asked her out and she straight out rejected me. When she rejected me i think that just screwed up my self confidence. which i think was the reason i've always been really awkward around girls, i can't keep a conversation going, i would say stupid things and i would pretty much sweat it if i had to keep a conversation going. Also I've always been really obbsessive when i like a girl for some reason. Then suddenly one day i literally woke up and realised i didnt have any attraction for girls anymore. This scared me so much and i had all the common symptoms for HOCD like checking at guys to see if it turned you on and it never did but i always got a sick feeling in my stomach and a tingling in my penis and i felt like i was getting an erection. i never did though.

When that first spike was over I felt okay. I was reading up on HOCD and realised that must be what I have. But now when I think of guys i dont get a tingle it just feels like im about to get a normal erection. I was worried by this and got multiple other spikes. I have also tried anal masturbation (sorry for details) and i hated it with bigger things but with smaller things the orgasm was better than normal. This scared me because i thought that meant i was gay. I get turned on by thing about things up there but dont want to do it with a guy. The sexual attraction towards girls has kind of returned but now when i see and obviously attractive male i kind of second glance as though i was checking them out and then i stop because I dont want to be attracted to males. I dont think i am though i think its the anxiety as I feel sick in my stomach when i think about it.

Like Drum i believe the HOCD changed to bi-OCD. Also, like Drum, I feel as though my mind has just given in to the idea, which i do not want at all.

I think the trigger for all this was probably the anal masturbation, the fact that i could never talk to girls, my family always kinda made jokes that i was gay and that I like looking good and stuff and having nice clothes

[JGF25]

There is nothing wrong with being gay but you can't just wake up one day and become gay.  You have a lot of things going on in your short life that are stressing you out.  I told my sons don't worry about the girls that you like that don't like you because there are going to be girls that like you that you don't like.  It works both ways.  High school is such a hard time in life.  Neither of my boys had or have girlfriends in high school...doesn't make them gay.  In fact I know they are not but if they were I wouldn't care because being gay isn't something under someone's control.  It is a fact or it is not.  What you don't want to do is get into the habit of testing.  Every test you do keeps you in the OCD loop.  What you really want to do is let these thoughts wash over you and say "whatever."  If you continue to ponder them, they will stay like a bad dream.  

As far as how you dress....ever heard of the work metrosexual?  Here is the definition

a young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste.

do you see the word "heterosexual male" in the definition.  Yes...non-gay male.   Just because you like to look good and have nice clothes that doesn't mean you are gay.  

Work on your self-esteem.  Remember there is someone for everyone and adopt the "whatever" attitude.  AND stop testing.  No more porn to see how you feel.  Anal masturbation....yes that does make some people have stronger orgasms.  All very natural.  The fact that you have no desire to be in a relationship with a guy, have sex with a guy, means that you could not possibly be gay.  

[jon_snow97]

Thank you so much for the quick response. this made me feel alot better. although i know I will spike again haha, that, i guess, is inevitable. Anyway, I appreciate your help :) thank you very much