I am numb

[Jane39]

I am going to ramble here for a bit so please forgive me.  About 6 months ago I was feeling quilty that I had put this cancer behind me and was confident that I was in the clear, being a Stage 1A, but clear cell histology, with 6 cycles of chemo all projected to be behind me,  but for the past month + I've had this gnawing feeling that something wasn't right.  I've had mild twangs on my right side and some bloating.  I stepped up my appt with my gyn/oncologist, exam, pap all normal, my ca125 at the end of June was 5.9, he wanted me to step up my pet/ct scan in which I had yesterday.  My nightmare started when the nurse called about an hour after I got back into my office.  She was dancing around everything but needed me to go back in and get a dedicated CT and another CA125.  I started sweating and literally thought I was going to pass out.  Long and short of it, I have a 2.68 cm x 2.68 cm nodal mass behind my stomach, that had FDG uptake on the PET, and was confirmed to actual tumor on the designated CT.  They will biopsy it to confirm that it is ovarian tumor, but they are confident that it is, and I guess they will remove it and then Chemo again.  They expect me to respond well, as I did the first time to get a 4 1/2 yr remission.  I truly believed that it was never coming back, so as I am sure some of you may know, how devasted I was to get this news.
I hate this cancer.  I have never cried so much in the past 18 hours.  I know I can do this, the surgery and the chemo, but ~~~~~what can I say, I am truly numb at this point.
Jane

[marie3B]

The others are right.  They will get the tumor and chemo will stop it from going further.  I think the docs need to stop telling the early stage ovca patients that they are in the clear. Maybe all survivors need checked every 90 days, forever.  If it catches one recurrence on time I say it is worth the money.  Just know I will not allow you to leave my thoughts.  I am here and am hoping for the best outcome.  Marie

[gls2824]

You will do what you have to do and come out fine.  That's it.  There's no other alternative or outcome.

Everyone is here for you.

[Cat1962]

Jane, you will be in my prayers. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug, to talk with you. I am having some weird issues right now, to. Mid back pain (dull, deep pain), and even with losing some weight, I look several months pregnant. Please, let us know how things are going, and remember that we are praying and thinking about you.

Cat

[ireneo]

That sneaky rotten lousy (etc, using all the bad words that aren't allowed here) cancer, hiding behind the stomach. I am so sorry this has happened. I understand the tears. Please don't feel bad or guilty that you were happy for a time, thinking you were cancer free. This isn't some kind of punishment for rejoicing. All of us love healthy happy days. I'll be praying that the doctors will zap that tumor into oblivion so you can smile again.

[gah_70]

I can only imagine how completely devastated you are.  Wish I had the words you need to hear at the moment to help you find some peace.  I know you'll eventually get there after you let yourself get over the shock of this.  I will keep praying all goes well and you'll get into chemo soon and get it over and done with.  You are strong, and that same willpower you had 4 1/2 years ago will come back.  Cancer beware...Jane's back in the ring and is fixin' to give you a whippin'!!!

So hang in there, and you KNOW we are always here and will be with you every step of the way.

Love,
Gail

[marie3B]

I am so so sorry that this happened.  I am flooding my keyboard with tears right now.  I am sure that the surgery and chemo will go well, but I just don't want this to be real.  I am floored by this so I can imagine how you are feeling.  I wish there was something I could do for you.  Love and concern, Marie