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136849 tn?1327321510

I am numb

I am going to ramble here for a bit so please forgive me.  About 6 months ago I was feeling quilty that I had put this cancer behind me and was confident that I was in the clear, being a Stage 1A, but clear cell histology, with 6 cycles of chemo all projected to be behind me,  but for the past month + I've had this gnawing feeling that something wasn't right.  I've had mild twangs on my right side and some bloating.  I stepped up my appt with my gyn/oncologist, exam, pap all normal, my ca125 at the end of June was 5.9, he wanted me to step up my pet/ct scan in which I had yesterday.  My nightmare started when the nurse called about an hour after I got back into my office.  She was dancing around everything but needed me to go back in and get a dedicated CT and another CA125.  I started sweating and literally thought I was going to pass out.  Long and short of it, I have a 2.68 cm x 2.68 cm nodal mass behind my stomach, that had FDG uptake on the PET, and was confirmed to actual tumor on the designated CT.  They will biopsy it to confirm that it is ovarian tumor, but they are confident that it is, and I guess they will remove it and then Chemo again.  They expect me to respond well, as I did the first time to get a 4 1/2 yr remission.  I truly believed that it was never coming back, so as I am sure some of you may know, how devasted I was to get this news.
I hate this cancer.  I have never cried so much in the past 18 hours.  I know I can do this, the surgery and the chemo, but ~~~~~what can I say, I am truly numb at this point.
Jane
30 Responses
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408448 tn?1286883821
I am so so sorry that this happened.  I am flooding my keyboard with tears right now.  I am sure that the surgery and chemo will go well, but I just don't want this to be real.  I am floored by this so I can imagine how you are feeling.  I wish there was something I could do for you.  Love and concern, Marie
Helpful - 0
107366 tn?1305680375
COMMUNITY LEADER
I can only imagine how completely devastated you are.  Wish I had the words you need to hear at the moment to help you find some peace.  I know you'll eventually get there after you let yourself get over the shock of this.  I will keep praying all goes well and you'll get into chemo soon and get it over and done with.  You are strong, and that same willpower you had 4 1/2 years ago will come back.  Cancer beware...Jane's back in the ring and is fixin' to give you a whippin'!!!

So hang in there, and you KNOW we are always here and will be with you every step of the way.

Love,
Gail
Helpful - 0
187666 tn?1331173345
That sneaky rotten lousy (etc, using all the bad words that aren't allowed here) cancer, hiding behind the stomach. I am so sorry this has happened. I understand the tears. Please don't feel bad or guilty that you were happy for a time, thinking you were cancer free. This isn't some kind of punishment for rejoicing. All of us love healthy happy days. I'll be praying that the doctors will zap that tumor into oblivion so you can smile again.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Jane, you will be in my prayers. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug, to talk with you. I am having some weird issues right now, to. Mid back pain (dull, deep pain), and even with losing some weight, I look several months pregnant. Please, let us know how things are going, and remember that we are praying and thinking about you.

Cat
Helpful - 0
725998 tn?1258048708
You will do what you have to do and come out fine.  That's it.  There's no other alternative or outcome.

Everyone is here for you.
Helpful - 0
408448 tn?1286883821
The others are right.  They will get the tumor and chemo will stop it from going further.  I think the docs need to stop telling the early stage ovca patients that they are in the clear. Maybe all survivors need checked every 90 days, forever.  If it catches one recurrence on time I say it is worth the money.  Just know I will not allow you to leave my thoughts.  I am here and am hoping for the best outcome.  Marie
Helpful - 0
136849 tn?1327321510
Thank you all so much.  I know I will do what I need to do, this crap isn't getting me, I am going to get it.  We know how it is when the air is taken out of our sails though.  It really was unexpected, and I just truly never imagined it would come back.
So I will be in Baltimore Monday morning having this nasty thing biopsied, and then will see my gyn/oncologist on Tuesday and I assume schedule surgery, will recover and jump into the chemo, get it done.  
I have been seeing a doctor in one form or the other almost every 3 months, the last year, I would say every 6 months, because I was getting farther out, and everything has been picture perfect.  I am glad I have you wonderful ladies in my corner.  The encouragement has done my weary soul some good today.  Now I am going home and am going to enjoy my grandson tomorrow and not think about anything, for just a little while.  Thanks again ladies.  I will keep everyone updated.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey there.  I have been reading and rereading your first post this morning.....I have started to respond on three different occasions.  I can't find the words.
Jane, my nightmare just bit you in the rear !  I am 5 years out from chemo this month.....I have trouble believing it won't return to slap me just as you have been slapped.  
Girl, I am so sorry this has happened to you, but,  I am  glad to learn you have a grandson to love this weekend.  These little people are such gifts of love and laughter...I watch a little granddaughter and am deeply enriched by her.
A day won't pass without me thinking and wondering about you.  
Please know we are all here all the time....you are not walking alone.
Peace.
dian
Helpful - 0
408448 tn?1286883821
Enjoy that grandson.  I know my grandbabies are what keep me going.
Thinking of you, Marie
Helpful - 0
483733 tn?1326798446
Jane, stopped by to see how my friends are doing and was devastated to hear this.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you reenter the fighting ring.  Kick it hard!
Helpful - 0
1449741 tn?1287882651
Jane, I know I am fairly new here...but you know what? You beat it once...you WILL do it again!!! Nothing but love & prayers...
~Denise
Helpful - 0
378425 tn?1305628294
Jane,

I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you....I too was dx with stage 1a....You are in my thoughts and prayers.....

Love,
Dawnlyn
Helpful - 0
643704 tn?1304684432
Jane,

I can't imagine what is going through your head right now, but you have a great attitude and I KNOW YOU CAN BEAT THIS AWFUL UGLY DISEASE!  I'll pray a rosary for you to have the strength to do this and you can always count on us for support.  Lisa
Helpful - 0
160503 tn?1248951442
You beat it once, Jane, you can beat it again.  There are so many of us that have had recurrences and we're still here, so set your mind to it.  I'm thinking of you...
Linda
Helpful - 0
136849 tn?1327321510
Thanks again for all the support.  It truly means alot to me.  I just got the confirmation (like I didn't know all ready), but this mass is positive for clear cell, so I have officially "re-occurred".  Surgery is on Wednesday at 8:30am.  I am nervous, but I am ready.  I just now need to finish getting my house and my office together.  I will be thankful for any prayers anyone wants to say on my behalf.  
I will check back with you all after I am home and recover a bit.  Thanks again ladies.  You are all wonderful.   Jane
Helpful - 0
408448 tn?1286883821
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope everything goes well and recovery is easy for you.  Marie
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187666 tn?1331173345
You"re on my calendar. Will be praying from now until you write back. hugs
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Jane -

I just came upon your original post.  I really don't know what to say, but please know that I will be praying for you!  By now you'll have had your surgery, and I wish you nothing but a healthy, speedy recovery!  Stay strong, because you can do this.

Aglaia
Helpful - 0
1449741 tn?1287882651
Jane, you will be in m prayers...as I just said to a friend....once you get rid of the tumors, the cells that are left deserve a little chemo cocktail...and it will taste like Raid, LOL Keep your chin up...love n prayers, Denise
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Jane, what a shock.  I'm sorry to hear your news.  I am stage 1c clear cell - 1 1/2 years out.  I'm glad they found it early.  Did your CA-125 go up at all?
Helpful - 0
136849 tn?1327321510
Nope my CA 125 was a 9.  That is slightly elevated for me, mine would go from 3.9 and the highest I think was 7.  So as I've preached to a couple people, whom have the same diagnoses, Stge 1A clear cell, believe it or not, some of these women are getting NO scans at all as followup.  I may grow green as I think this scan was my 8th?  This time this scan saved my life, if I had a doctor that monitored me with CA125 test alone, I'd be in trouble.
Again all of you ladies, your support and words of faith, are truly wonderful.  I really need it.  I will post "sometime" after surgery.  This time the incision will be quite big, so I expect healing may be a little harder, but we'll see.
Hugs to all of you!!
Jane
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So sorry to hear you are going through this...I can't imagine how tough it must be.  I feel confident your surgery will go well and that it won't be long before this nasty disease has left you once again.  I look forward to hearing that you are back on your feet after the surgery.  
Helpful - 0
378425 tn?1305628294
I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, you are and will be in my prayers.  I hope your recovery is speedy...Please know that we are all here for you.  

I do not get a CA125 test done, my doc said not a good indicator for me.  Mine fluctuated between 9.8 and 11.  But I have been getting CT scans every 6 months,

You will beat this, please take care and rest as much as possible.

Love,
Dawnlyn
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I had a CT scan after chemo ended, (1 1/2) years ago, but I've heard no mention of having another one.  How often should one have CT scans?  
Helpful - 0
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