husband's blues after wife's breast reduction

[concernedhusband4203]

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can with this, she's had the surgery, I told her before that she's doing this only for herself, not because I had any complaints about her breasts.  I like the new ones ok, but liked the old ones better.  I was suprised at the feelings I have of betrayal, neglect, almost grieving the loss of my favorite part of her body, feelings of depression.  The comments I read from women completely discount the feelings of the men.  I'm now having problems "finishing" the act of sex.  After she is satisfied I just loose interest, I want to finish in my mind but the feeling just isn't there.  I look over at her in normal situations and the fact that she is so much smaller bothers me.  It's been 5 weeks now, we'll keep trying, hoping these feelings go away.  When I ask if there is a support group for husbands of wives with breast reduction, I get told oh it's all about you then? No It's not all about me, but I do have feelings, and they are hurt, and there isn't anybody willing to talk to about them.

[sadexboyfriend]

It's not like we can completely control sexual attraction. If w could, then we would decide to be excited about any kind of body whatsoever. Would make life easy. But as it is, if we are disgusted by, or stressed by the reduced breasts, then, in my experience, it is almost impossible to "wish it away and be happy".
Loving someone and feeling sexual attraction is not for men perfectly aligned. And its not because they don't wish it were.

[sadexboyfriend]

Thank you for posting this. I have had the similar experience. 7 years later I am still so sad. She had the operation despite my expressed wishes, and after I could feel nothing but disgust.
I tried and I tried, but I could not get the feeling back. She broke up because my lack of interest.

I am so sad still. I am so f'n sad. I feel you man.

[12badyrs]

I know this pain your are experiencing. My husband of 28 yrs has been messed up for the past 12 yrs since I had my breast reduction... It has ruined my marriage. I had neck and shoulder pain and my husband WAS supportive about the surgery. We discussed it, watched a video of the surgery together etc. what came after was so unexpected . My husband cried for months, tried antidepressant mess and we did grow apart. I  acknowledged his feeling,tried to reassure that surgery takes time to heal and settle down. My husband started having erectile problems and things continued to get  worse. I do understand he may be grieving and it is a body image change. I guess after dealing with such strong emotions for months I just wanted to move on with my life, but he couldn't. He was stuck in this rut"your not the same person".  Difficult to deal with these emotions for past 12 yrs and yes it has ruined us.. It took a few years after surgery for things to sexually be better but we're not the same couple anymore. My breasts are back to the same size when I meet my husband now(grew larger after each child).he can't get passed it!

[Pdxbrb]

Thank you for post. I'm the husband in the same situation. I have seeked counceling but it is so hard. I'm ruined over it.

[BiancaCH]

Leave the POS. You’ll be happier alone with your new breasts.

[LAR1913]

I have posted several comments here mostly trying to parallel the surgery and issues with what I know would be different reactions if a man had done something similar. In your case its totally different its on him once he said he supported the procedure all bets are off for him he lost his ability to whine in my opinion. This means you have the option to cut him loose in my opinion. Men just as women have different tastes in what they feel is attractive. Maybe you got a great butt, or you got a very pretty face, or your nipples are alluring the man you meet now given different tastes. Please ignore the lady above maybe she feels your best answer is drop the bum, my answer is men have different tastes allow the new man with those different tastes to chase you problem solved.

[Broken_Husband]

My wife of 26 years, had very large breast in her mind in mine her body was perfect.. After about 16 years of marriage my wife told me she had discussed it with her sister and after they were done discussing it.. She
thought she was going to have a reduction done. After I let her know there was no way on God green earth this was not going to happen. Not because I rule the home with a iron fist, but this was the same woman who had told me we would grow old gracefully and not under the knife. My wife is 4 years older than me and 99% of people believe I'm 5+ years older than her. Now we know who's aging gracefully. My biggest problem at that time was it was discussed with her sister, not me. Move forward 10 years. My wife,  our daughter 22,  our son 19, and myself are sitting at a restaurant and I'm told along with our kids. She has good news, "she has decide she is going to get a breast reduction" I just froze . I 've been in therapy for over 10 + years. When my therapist asked if after 30 years of being together, I've told my wife how much I was against it and it bothered me, I could not believe how quick the word "NO" came out without even thinking about it. I replied "it wont matter" after hearing myself, I decide to bring it up. In her loudest voice she let me know "I knew you would make this all about you". I said no but can we talk about it, maybe come to a middle. "NO" she replied. I then said something that was not a threat but just a very sad feeling. "if we don't talk about this ,it could destroy our family & marriage". After healing time.  We tried to be intimate twice, the first time I couldn't even look, nor receive pleasure, the second time wasn't much different. After 10 weeks of her recovery, it just didn't feel right any longer it was just quite. I told my wife I was going to move out. Almost 7-8 months later we just keep growing apart. I have dreams of my family and want to go home.  She is the only woman I ever wanted to spend my life with. Know I just want to love again and be loved in the way I feel loved. So ladies(wives) we know its your body and its your breast, but try to remember your our wife's(LIFE'S) and who knows why but we go through something very painful also our hearts breaking. Last thing enough with the red mark from the underwire or straps. My belt leaves the worst red mark that hurts and itches and my shoelaces when there too tight, but I've never considered cutting off my feet or waist down. You put the bra on, wear a looser one or none. The men are looking if you wear one or don't and 99% of the time we're always saying looking good....Last and most important God forbid should any of you ever get breast cancer the husband who loves you, will be dragging you to the hospital to have them removed. We know how much we need you. We just want to feel needed and have our feelings count also.  

[Pdxbrb]

Thank you for posting. I feel the same. We're made to feel like "jerks" for having any opinion contrary to the reduction. My wife's reduction was because she thought she would look better and fit into more clothes. I was appalled that she didn't try to lose some weight to do this. I'm disappointed and disgusted quite frankly that she didn't want to work towards losing weight the old fashioned way. When she would lose some weight her breasts would go down slightly and she was happy. Insurance lopped off a lot of breast and she's small. More than just small she looks horrible now and resembles a pile of mashed potatoes instead of the wonderful curves she had before. I suddenly have "erectile disfunction" and seeking treatment for that. What a joke. At least I have more time for my race car and I'm not available for art shows or going shopping anymore.

[dorothyntoto2]

Uhmmm because we're more than T&A?? In bed everyone is the same height but not everyone is the same size! But, we T&A gender don't give a rat's @!#: about size if we love you and neither should you care about what inches; (and it is mere inches in both scenarios ???) matters...damn get a clue... Sexuality is so not in the inches lol! It's in the IQ...I think you're lacking some inches there. That bothers me more than your height!  

[Quandry92]

So once the reduction has been done, is there any way to fix this to make the husband happy again? A happy medium? I went from a painful H cup and 3days post-op I think I’ll be a C or D. My husband is definitely grieving and while I’m in less pain now, it breaks my heart that we are both grieving; he grieves my former form that he thought was perfect. I grieve for him) If wives get implants to help with the shape, perhaps not the size,, would that make a man happy again?

[ChitChatNine]

I happened upon this thread and was wondering how both husbands are doing now that a few months have gone by?

[sweetpea03]

Many women get breast reduction surgery, not just for cosmetic reasons, but for medical ones. Can you imagine having very large breasts and how much weight that is to carry around? The bra straps on your shoulders are digging in and are painful and red. You begin to have back problems because the weight of the breasts pull you forward. You are lugging around pounds that put extra pressure on your whole body. Think of it this way, try imagining walking around with two large bags of sugar attached to your chest. How do you think that feels? That's not an easy thing to deal with and you should be happy for your wife now that she has a better life, free of the pain and discomfort. Don't you want your wife to feel good physically? This is just something to really think about. Your wife did not lose her breasts(many women do from breast cancer or other medical problems), they are still there, so that is something to think of as well.

This is a change for you and your wife, so try to give it all some time. She has to get used to her new body and so do you. Though why not focus on who your wife is and how much better off she is now, than focusing on an old feeling of pleasure for you that in the past caused your wife pain.

[Pdxbrb]

Good advice. I used to put my wife on a pedestal before the surfer and this really probably wasn't too healthy for me. Now I've been able to focus on the relationship with more equality. This has helped me immensely because I have more time for other passions that I have like racing now that she's doing more around the house. She used to have discomfort doing dishes, cooking, laundry, yard work/raking leaves etc...so I always used to do everything even though I work full time. I split the work load in half and I now have TONS more time to go have fun. Sure I'd like to be more intimate with her but getting more time around the race track really is pretty nice. I know that her participating more in our household is helping to be more together.