Aa
OT--How do you say no w/o feeling like a meanie?
Normal people look forward to paydays, me on the other hand dread paydays! I mean yes i love getting paid, BUT i always know my husbands phone will be ringing non-stop throughout the day. His family calls us all the time for money! Especially his moms brothers! He is the youngest of 4 and his brothers who are 30, 32 & 34 are coonstantly calling us for money. Before we moved in together he was always sending money to his family which would leave him dirt broke! I usually paid for everything when we went out or bought him things he needed for work...like work shirts or new uniform pants, socks etc. Well now that we are married and have a baby on the way i have been puting my foot down! He tells me his uncle or brother calls and all i say is "how much are they asking for THIS time!?" Then he asks me if its ok if he sends some money...my usual response is..."we have a baby on the way, we cant afford to keep supporting YOUR family." He once told me that his uncles told his mom to tell him not to get married because he wont be sending any more money to them! Like seriously WTF!?! They told his mom that he joined the military to support her and the family, not run off and start his own! Everytime i think about this i get so angry and when i see them calling my husbands phone i just want to push ignore, but i dont. I just give my husband the "dont EVEN ask me" face. They know we just got married, we are expecting a baby and yet they still never hesitate to call for money! Last month his uncle called to remind my husband that his birthday was coming up...i could give a rats a** about his birthday, but i went with my husband to buy him a gift to send anyway. We bought him a digital camera and some new shoes like he had asked for. Well when he got the box he called my husband and said "what no money? its my birthday!" UGH i was so angry i just left the room! Then we find out the shoes werent for him they were for his new girlfriends son! And the camera...he broke instantly and then had the nerve to ask for a new one! I told my husband h*ll NO!
Well this morning before either of us got up for work his brother calls asking for money...the one that was here for our wedding...my husband told him he'll call back because he was going to talk to me first and i heard his brother say "youre the man, you dont have to ask her anything!" Yes i was getting ready to grab that phone and cuss him out! Not only did he run up our phone/cable bill to $488, but now hes asking for money AGAIN! When he was here, he made international calls to New Zealand and come to find out he ordered 10 pay per view p0rn movies on our tv while everyone was sleeping that cost $12.99/movie! I was so angry because my husband tried to hide it from me so i wouldnt get mad at his brother! I told my husband that he shouldnt hide things because i ALWAYS find out! THEN his other brother that lives in Samoa calls not even 5 minutes later asking if we could "help" pay part of his airfare to New Zealand...im already angry at this point so my husband tells his brother we dont have the money because we just did all our Christmas shopping. His brother then says "take back the PS3 your wife bought you and send me the money!" I didnt say anything...i just stared at the wall, i could feel my face getting hot from being so angry! My husband told him he cant cause i bought it with my credit card then he says "cant you ask her parents for money?! Or tell your father in law to sell 1 of the 5 cars he has sitting in his driveway!"
At this point i am cussing up a storm! How dare he even ask my husband to ask my parents for money! Who gives a crap if they have money, they too have bills!
My husband has such a good heart and he is always willing to give even if he doesnt have much, so its hard for him to say no to his family but enough is enough!
Have any of you dealt with something like this? And how do you say no without feeling like the bad guy? Sometimes i tell my husband "ok, i guess you can send them money" if i know we have some extra money, but when i do say no i feel so guilty...not because we didnt send money, but the look on my husbands face makes me feel so bad. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Well this morning before either of us got up for work his brother calls asking for money...the one that was here for our wedding...my husband told him he'll call back because he was going to talk to me first and i heard his brother say "youre the man, you dont have to ask her anything!" Yes i was getting ready to grab that phone and cuss him out! Not only did he run up our phone/cable bill to $488, but now hes asking for money AGAIN! When he was here, he made international calls to New Zealand and come to find out he ordered 10 pay per view p0rn movies on our tv while everyone was sleeping that cost $12.99/movie! I was so angry because my husband tried to hide it from me so i wouldnt get mad at his brother! I told my husband that he shouldnt hide things because i ALWAYS find out! THEN his other brother that lives in Samoa calls not even 5 minutes later asking if we could "help" pay part of his airfare to New Zealand...im already angry at this point so my husband tells his brother we dont have the money because we just did all our Christmas shopping. His brother then says "take back the PS3 your wife bought you and send me the money!" I didnt say anything...i just stared at the wall, i could feel my face getting hot from being so angry! My husband told him he cant cause i bought it with my credit card then he says "cant you ask her parents for money?! Or tell your father in law to sell 1 of the 5 cars he has sitting in his driveway!"
At this point i am cussing up a storm! How dare he even ask my husband to ask my parents for money! Who gives a crap if they have money, they too have bills!
My husband has such a good heart and he is always willing to give even if he doesnt have much, so its hard for him to say no to his family but enough is enough!
Have any of you dealt with something like this? And how do you say no without feeling like the bad guy? Sometimes i tell my husband "ok, i guess you can send them money" if i know we have some extra money, but when i do say no i feel so guilty...not because we didnt send money, but the look on my husbands face makes me feel so bad. I just dont know what to do anymore.
I have a friend whose parents are like this! kinda. My friends brother is in this late twenties. He was always in the wrong crowd and is parents always bailed him out. He will punch his car or crash them while drunk or what not and they will be like oh ok well we'll get you a new one you need a car! he also as a 4 yo son who his parents take care of on the weekend and his little sister and the boys moms parents take car of on the weekdays! i remember a day that he was asked to babysit his child! thats not babysitting that parenting!
thats off topic but you get the point as others have stated it too. ur dh needs to talk to them bc if he keeps helping them they are never gonna grow up and learn and they are gonna bwe asking for money for their families. which isn't his responsibility. a sibling should never have to take care another sibling is that sibling is capable of taking care of themself.
like amanda said you have a lot more patients then me!
thats off topic but you get the point as others have stated it too. ur dh needs to talk to them bc if he keeps helping them they are never gonna grow up and learn and they are gonna bwe asking for money for their families. which isn't his responsibility. a sibling should never have to take care another sibling is that sibling is capable of taking care of themself.
like amanda said you have a lot more patients then me!
Amanda: Yeah girl i have never dealt with people who ask for money like they do! Its ridiculous, his family is the reason i refused to name my son my husbands brothers name LOL! I just cant stand how they are! My husband and i have a joint account, so i would know if he sends money behind my back lol. I make sure i know what goes in and outta that bank account...i had to because of his family. His brothers told my husband "You married into the right family!" Like we are effing rich or something! It ticks me off! My dad is retired Navy and my mother is an RN! By no means are my parents rich lol! They make a good living, but they work hard for their money. His brothers are all older than him, they should send him money! My older brother sends me money LOL but only for birthdays or special occasions! God forbid they should find out my brother is a cardiologist! They'd be blowing HIS phone up! LMAO i would call his family and tell them i need money BUT most of them dont even speak english!
Ammanda: I know what you mean...i would get so angry and not talk to my husband if he'd send money without telling me first! He learned his lesson when he sent money to his family leaving us with $11.90 in our joint account and i DIDNT deposit my check into the account LMAO! I deposited it into my savings account! He had to ask me for money! He never did it again! And yeah i was upset when he said he couldnt return it because i used my credit card...i wish he wouldve said, no i wont return it or something like that, but no...hes still on ignore mode as we speak LOL! Ive been ignoring his calls today.
Malia: I have tried to talk to him about it, but it seems like its not getting in his head. Ive explained how babies are expensive and how much diapers are going to cost us, but he always says "we have money..." or "you dont know what its like to not have money growing up" Which is BS my parents both grew up poor! I know what its like to be broke and having to ask for money...but i always paid my parents back lol!
Clysta: I am shocked too LOL! I love my husband and i knew from the beginning that his family comes along with him...i just didnt know they DEPEND on him! It su*ks tho, it really does. Ive asked my husband not to send money and he does say no when i tell him to but next payday...they are asking again and im saying no again lol. Its like we can say no numerous times but they wont stop asking. Its frustrating.
Julia: Hahahaha i have no idea! He tells me his family is poor, yet his brothers wife went to Australia a couple weeks ago to see her family...WTF!?! Makes no sense! I see pictures of them on facebook eating out at restaurants and taking "field trips" and im like...UGH they dont look poor to me! I told my husband he needs to stop sending them money because ill be d*mned if we go broke and i have no food to eat to feed our baby! He changed his number but he is a mamas boy and his mother gave his number to his uncles.
Ammanda: I know what you mean...i would get so angry and not talk to my husband if he'd send money without telling me first! He learned his lesson when he sent money to his family leaving us with $11.90 in our joint account and i DIDNT deposit my check into the account LMAO! I deposited it into my savings account! He had to ask me for money! He never did it again! And yeah i was upset when he said he couldnt return it because i used my credit card...i wish he wouldve said, no i wont return it or something like that, but no...hes still on ignore mode as we speak LOL! Ive been ignoring his calls today.
Malia: I have tried to talk to him about it, but it seems like its not getting in his head. Ive explained how babies are expensive and how much diapers are going to cost us, but he always says "we have money..." or "you dont know what its like to not have money growing up" Which is BS my parents both grew up poor! I know what its like to be broke and having to ask for money...but i always paid my parents back lol!
Clysta: I am shocked too LOL! I love my husband and i knew from the beginning that his family comes along with him...i just didnt know they DEPEND on him! It su*ks tho, it really does. Ive asked my husband not to send money and he does say no when i tell him to but next payday...they are asking again and im saying no again lol. Its like we can say no numerous times but they wont stop asking. Its frustrating.
Julia: Hahahaha i have no idea! He tells me his family is poor, yet his brothers wife went to Australia a couple weeks ago to see her family...WTF!?! Makes no sense! I see pictures of them on facebook eating out at restaurants and taking "field trips" and im like...UGH they dont look poor to me! I told my husband he needs to stop sending them money because ill be d*mned if we go broke and i have no food to eat to feed our baby! He changed his number but he is a mamas boy and his mother gave his number to his uncles.
AHP84: Its funny you should mention the spreadsheet LOL because i do the spreadsheet as well! And i showed him how to do it too lol! We both are able to see how much we're getting paid before our payday and i add the two together and i we do the spreadsheet together. I have to make him realize that just because we have money left over doesnt mean he can give it away or spend it on dumb stuff because something usually comes up...like him getting a flat tire this past weekend...i dont mind him having to buy something for lunch because God forbid that man should cook something to eat lol. But im slowly trying to hammer it in his head that a baby isnt cheap.
wannabeamama: Id understand if it were his little brother asking for money, but hes the little brother lol. His older brothers dont even feel like what theyre doing is wrong. They walk all over him and make him feel guilty and i have to remind my husband...they are in their 30's with wives and children! We are newly weds, with loans and a new baby on the way! His family just makes me so angry, i wouldnt mind cutting them off completely, but my husband is so family oriented that he'd never do it lol.
wannabeamama: Id understand if it were his little brother asking for money, but hes the little brother lol. His older brothers dont even feel like what theyre doing is wrong. They walk all over him and make him feel guilty and i have to remind my husband...they are in their 30's with wives and children! We are newly weds, with loans and a new baby on the way! His family just makes me so angry, i wouldnt mind cutting them off completely, but my husband is so family oriented that he'd never do it lol.
Everyone in my family knows better...lol. If they do borrower money from me they have sign a legal contract...lol... with terms of repayment. So, I am the last person anyone would take advantage of. You guys should do the same if they need to "borrow" money that is fine, but they better being paying you back in a timely manner. I learned my lesson the hard way with this one.
Family is family and I am sure if someone were in desparate need you would be happy to help. But, your husband is enabling people who are just as capable of working hard as the two of you are... and they are happily taking advantage.
Would these relatives be there for the two of you if you needed money?
Elle if I were you I would have one account for your bills that you both contribute to, savings you both put money in together... and separate checking accounts for spending. That way if he chooses to spend his leasure money on his family that is his choice and it won't affect other aspects of your finances. My husband and I have done this since day one because we are both super controlling.... and would for sure fight about what each other spent on what...lol.
Family is family and I am sure if someone were in desparate need you would be happy to help. But, your husband is enabling people who are just as capable of working hard as the two of you are... and they are happily taking advantage.
Would these relatives be there for the two of you if you needed money?
Elle if I were you I would have one account for your bills that you both contribute to, savings you both put money in together... and separate checking accounts for spending. That way if he chooses to spend his leasure money on his family that is his choice and it won't affect other aspects of your finances. My husband and I have done this since day one because we are both super controlling.... and would for sure fight about what each other spent on what...lol.
Ok - if my brother sent me a ton of money all the time, I would name my kid after him too. However, if my brother was a loser (which he is), I would NEVER name my kid after him!
Next, learn to speak their language, but only learn how to ask for money. Seriously, it will make them mad.
And now that I know your brother is a cardiologist, that does mean you must be full of money. Can you send me some? Can I have your brother's phone number so I can call him and ask for some more money? My car has a scratch on it and I would like for you pay for a new paint job. Besides, white looks terrible on my 22 year old car! :) If you send it to me, I will at least be nice and say thank you!
LOL!
Next, learn to speak their language, but only learn how to ask for money. Seriously, it will make them mad.
And now that I know your brother is a cardiologist, that does mean you must be full of money. Can you send me some? Can I have your brother's phone number so I can call him and ask for some more money? My car has a scratch on it and I would like for you pay for a new paint job. Besides, white looks terrible on my 22 year old car! :) If you send it to me, I will at least be nice and say thank you!
LOL!
Hi Heather! LOL that is too funny with signing a contract! id do that, but they live in New Zealand lol. I know for a fact that they would not send us money if we needed it. My husband is stubborn and when we do hit a rough patch he asks me to not ask my parents. We've been doing pretty good so far...aside from the extra cost his brother put us in! We are still paying off the bill he ran up and i know he will never give us the money for that. We sorta have separate accounts. I take $250 from every paycheck i get and deposit it into my savings with Navy Fed, the rest goes into our joint account for bills. I rarely ever touch my savings unless its an emergency. Im saving up for when i take maternity leave. Ive been saving since i first found out i was pregnant. My husband dare not ask me for any of it either LOL!
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