Please Help Me... I need advice ASAP

[bigmistake22]

I am in a seriously committed relationship with the complete love of my life. Weve shared over 4 amazing years together. She is the best thing in the whole world and Ive always been the most perfect amazing person I could ever be for her and have always made her the happiest girl in the world. She is my soulmate and I want nothing more then to treat her like a queen until the day I die and grow old together with a beautiful family. I have always been a sweet loving person until i screwed up big time and Ive hated myself ever since. I have always been loyal and never cheated on anyone nor thought I even could. Awhile ago, i went with a few of my friends on a guys weekend and we ended up at a strip club. I never go to these places and went with the same group of guys to vegas for a fiends bachelor party a couple of years ago. In vegas we went to the strip club 2 nights in a row and I never let a stripper come near me. My friends all have long-term girlfriends but are the type of guys who routinely get lapdances from strippers and some even more, while i always looked down upon this and never partook in these kind of activities. However this time around, i was at the strip club and got solicited by one of the dancers to go for a lap dance in the private area of the club as all my friends were doing. I was drunk, felt a bit pressured by the girl but I made a stupid but conscious decision to, I have no one to blame but myself. This girl was gross and I honestly dont remember what she looks like. Right away when we got to the couches the girl grabbed my privates over my pants and asked what we were going to do. I said Im not interested in anything like that! She said will you at least stay for 2 dances. I said I couldnt as we were about to leave the club soon to go to the casino. So she said if you pay me for 2 dances Ill make this one alot better..implying that she would let me touch her and also touch me down there.

[nursegirl6572]

I went back and read YOUR OWN words about what exactly you didn't come clean about.  Here is a quote from you:

"I would NEVER do something like this again (i would honestly rather die...a thousand times over) ...and i know she knows that. She has in essence an idea of what I let happen. I honestly wanted to be forthcoming. She knows i let her touch me inappropriately under my pants. Just not for how long"

THAT is the most logical, sensible thing you said in this entire thread.  HERE are the facts....you ARE indeed splitting hairs over VERY insignificant details.  TRUST me when I say that your wife is NOT interested in hearing "how long" you were touched.  It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

"She has in essence an idea of what I let happen."  EXACTLY.  You know this.  Giver her more credit.  She's not dumb..I'm SURE she realizes you didn't share every gruesome detail, which is actually a KIND thing to do, as a husband who has hurt his wife.

[nursegirl6572]

Here's what I don't understand.  I could SEE if you hadn't told her a thing...THEN I could see that you would feel that way, but you told her pretty much almost everything.  And like I said initially, I think you're selling her short by thinking she doesn't have an idea that probably a little more happened anyway.  You "came clean" to her a few times after the initial reveal, adding more details.  I'm sure she is smart enough to realize that you may be holding a few details back to spare her.

So, to clarify...what EXACTLY is it that you didn't tell her, because I can't recall anymore?  You told her most everything..what did you leave out?  And, here's how I see it...you already told her you did something inappropriate...I just cannot see how telling her the gory details is going to help, except for like I originally said..to undburden YOURSELF, which is very selfish IMO.  She's dealt with it, forgave you and moved on...you telling her more is going to rip those wounds wide open...and probably make her question you even more than you DO deserve to be questioned.  I think that's cruel, personally.

I'm sure you ARE a man who values honesty, but from reading your posts, I don't think this is at ALL about that...it's more about guilt and regret that's eating you up more than anything.  I say that because you say the same things over, how the girl was fat and ugly, blah blah....that's regret over what you did.  You DO talk about not being fully honest, but the VAST majority of your posts involve revisiting the encounter, and how you can't believe you did that....THAT is guilt, my friend..not turmoil over leaving a couple of pornographic details out.  You know?

It's up to you, dear.  After all this turmoil and thinking, and worrying...if you feel you have to tell her, then tell her, but be prepared for the consequences.  She was forgiving initially...the way you're acting, she just may think that you did more than you did....due to how devastated you're acting.  I think "coming clean" for the RIGHT reasons is always the best policy...but I don't think your reasons are the right ones, in my opinion.  I think you want to tell her to unburden yourself, not because the truth is so important.  If anything, causing yourself some stress and anxiety by withholding sharing intimate details actually would be you taking one for the team, to spare your wife anymore unnecessary hurt.  If you were talking about how you told her you kissed a girl, when you really had sex with her..I would probably feel differently, but you're  splitting hairs over incidental details.

Decision is yours, and you have to do what you think is right.  I still say that working with a therapist for a while (more than two sessions) would be wise...to help you work through this and get some perspective on the whole situation...rather than making a decision based on these heavy emotions.  Making big decisions based on emotions versus facts and reality is NEVER good, in any aspect of life.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

[bigmistake2222]

I am honestly so incredibly torn. I feel like such a fool. I have been weighing the pros and cons of full disclosure for a while....and really this can have much worse of an outcome than i can possibly ever expect. I think im being so obsessive over this is bc its the worst thing ive ever done. Ive never cheated, never planned to, never wanted to. If i truly wanted to i would have approached a stripper and said how much for a handjob or *******. I didnt actively pursue this. Thats where im scared she might take it the wrong way, and even though i ended up letting this happen and ejaculating, this was not an enjoyable experience. and i really truly mean that, it was awful. Thats another thing that may make this whole thing sound so much worse and my intent Theres no logical explanation to this. It was a moment of pure insanity. Its insane. I put myself in a compromised state in a position where i was taken advantage of and did something i would never have done in my right mind. The stripper knew how to get me to fall down that slope. I fell. I failed. But I know this was a freak of nature event never to be repeated in anyway shape or form ever again. Ive been trying to justify that I said enough but really it was so bad. I had so many opportunities to stop what happened. I can admit that there are self serving reasons to tell the truth, but there were also self serving reasons to lie. In both cases the lie one can argue, spared her the pain, but on the other hand deprived her of the truth. The confession will unload this burden on my chest, will completely devastate her but there will be no lies and only truth. This is the biggest decision of my life. oh my god. im so scared of the potential fallout.

[TTinKKerBBell]

The simple answer to Your question is - Yes, I would want to know if I had been cheated on and deceived - I think most people would say that.

BUT

I also think most people would agree that the truth is going to bring Her HUGE pain -  and that Your reasons for telling Her the truth have been all about setting YOU free, so to speak.  

That being said, personally, I have become MORE concerned with how You obsess.  You probably won't cheat again - but I think there could be problems ahead dealing with obsessiveness....... over.....who knows what??

anyway....Good Luck.  I hope You Will Let Us Know How This Turns Out.  I Would Be Most Happy To Know That WE Have All Been Wrong and That YOU Were Right All Along.  I Mean That Sincerely.

[bigmistake2222]

she told me when i was confessing that i dont care if you had sex with her, i deserve to know what happened, and i still couldnt bring myself to say what i did. She was more concerned with the dishonesty which is where that stems from and why i think so badly of the lie. Wouldnt you want to know tink? you honestly wouldnt? I agree maybe this is the price i should pay. I agree that this is my burden, but this burden will affect us negatively whether i say it or not is my point

[TTinKKerBBell]

OMGolly!!
I think You should just tell Her and get this over with!!  

I simply do NOT understand Your philosophy here.  It's seems You think the WORST thing You've done is to not tell Her what You have done!!

You're making Your "lie" the worst part of what You did.  I DISAGREE!!  Personally, I think what You did is MUCH worse than keeping it to YourSelf - You are MUCH more concerned about what this is doing to You than what it will do to Her.  You are obsessing over the "lie".

That being said, I've changed my mind completely. I think You should go ahead and tell Her - and I hope She makes the best choice for Her future!!  

I won't tell You what I think She should do (I don't want to be accused of being rude) - BUT I would wish that She could read everything written here!! There are HUGE clues about how You perceive YourSelf that She needs to be aware of.