Aa
My adult son hates me!
Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son. I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else. I raised my 4 younger siblings. My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.
I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.
I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
This is really sad Mary Lou, I feel your pain. But maybe it's time you just backed off a little until things cool down or they come to there senses. I know it must tear your apart, this is your son and grandchild, but until things cool down nothing will get accomplished, just more hurt. Is he your only child? I cant believe that he hates you. Right now he is just caught between you and his wife, that's a hard spot to be in. You are his mother and always will be, so just step back for awhile and let him think about things and I'm sure things will work out.
Good Luck Mary Lou
Good Luck Mary Lou
I had some resentments and I realized my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with and what she knew. I hope your son will realize that someday. You, unfortunately can't change someone's attitude, they have to do it themself. It sounds like you are enabling their behavior wth the money flow, you did stop, however, hich is the first step towards tryng to compensate for the past. You don't needthe emotional abuse and your son is an *** for letting it happen. Unfortunately, I feel, you need to distance yourself and allow them to sort their problems out. They will at some point want Grandma to come help with Grandaughter. Als, they have groups called CODA, Co-Dependents annymous. I am a big believer in self-help. You are tryng to buy approval and it isn't working. Be okay with yourself, you have done your duty and shwn your love as best as you can. Perhaps your son has abandonment issues about his father. You need time to heal from the verbsl abuse. I don't know what your punishment for your son was when he misbehaved but spankings were not unusual when I was growing up and discipling my children. We always fear the outcome of something will not be our choosing. All you can do is clear your side of the street by saying you were wrong and you did the best you could, that is it. Good luck
I'm glad you stopped by here, Mary Lou, and you're welcome to stay as long as you like. As long as you're here, you might as well JOIN this forum. I'll explain more about that below, but for now, let's have a look at the situation you describe. I'm assuming your 25 year old son is financially independent and NOT living with you. I'm also assuming that -even though you 2 have heap big problems- he is not burdened with a particular psychological pathology (that is, he's not a pathological liar, doesn't steal, start fires, is not heavily into booze or drugs).
Now, let's have a look at some essential points in your material:
...I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother
...I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show
...looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused
...I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter
ML, I gotta tell you: right or wrong, good or bad and all points in between, your kid is your kid. He is going to be who he is going to be. Your job as a parent WAS to protect him, feed him give him the best educational opportunties you could, set an example of good behavior -etc. That job is over. Whether and how he reponds to you or loves you is entirely at his discretion and has little to do with anything you do now -meaning, you can't make him do or be anything -and there is nothing for you to "fix," because, odd as it may seem, nothing is really broken.
Except your heart, Mary Lou, except your heart. And that's a lot. But it is not his job to fix it, it is yours. You've taken enormous and important first strides by cutting off the gravy train, which no doubt has caused you significant guilt, but it must be done, otherwise you have the dependency still there.
I think therapy is a wonderful idea, and you should continue with it. But the first step, dear woman, is to get YOUR life back. I mean it, set aside your relationship with and access to son and granddaughter right now. Deal with YOUR side of the equation. Obsess? Why obsess? What do his abuse stories bother you? Simply because they are untrue? So what? Suppose they were true, would you feel better, then? You said "perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else." Almost sounds like you are answering an accusation that you messed it all up because you didn't know any better. And yet, you claim to be educated. And this: " I raised my 4 younger siblings. My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy.... " Sounds like the difficulties of growing up became transplanted directly into the problems of marriage and parenting.
I'll bet you - I'll just bet you- that you hear a critical voice in what I'm saying, that you see me wagging a finger at you. NOT SO. I'm simply showing you what you have told us. Mary Lou, it is a jumble, layers of confused emotional material which only serve to drive you crazy -which is why you came here!
So the first step -and a step upon which ALL others depend, is to get YOU squared away. And that means loving youself really well while you work with a therapist to understand more about why you are the way you are, and learn -and really believe- that once you've done your best (the best you could at the time) that's all you can do. So, job 1 is to take care of YOU. See to that, starting right NOW.
There is also a forum for Relationships, if you'd like to check in there and see what's what. You are welcome to stay with us, because, while you may not yet have panic or anxiety -as a disorder- you sure as hell have all the ingredients! And many here know exactly what you are going through. And Fuzzy, as you can tell, is usually brimming with good advice. Read what follows for info on how to join:
One of the BEST ways to get the most out of this forum to work is to JOIN it - become a part of it. Its easy -just click the Join Link -enter some profile information about yourself -even a picture if you care to- and anything you think would help us get to know you faster and better, and you can change this material whenever you like. You will also be accessible to receive private messages when other members click the name you've given yourself -sort of a "push to talk" feature. After you've done that, spend some time just using various features of the forum. For example, to see all the posts or responses that someone has made, just click their handle, go to their profile, click Posts, and read to your heart's content. You may also enter search terms -including member names- in the search box at the upper right of your screen and the system will retrun everything matching the term(s) you entered. This INCLUDES a drug database that will give you both user posts about drugs as well as the medical information about the drug. A great way to get quick answers about therapeutic effect, side effects, interactions, etc.
One of the profile categories is your mood, which you may change anytime you like.
Along the right side of your screen is a section of Recent Activity, which not only alerts you to new posts, but new ANYTHING, including journal entries and mood. This is a way to telegraph the community at large without actually creating a separate post. Thus, if you see a friend's mood has changed while you are working on a response or post, it can alert you to send them a private message to learn more or simply let them know you're thinking of them. Likewise, if you are going to be "out," you could enter something like "off line for the night" as your mood, and people would know you're away from the forum for awhile.
If you do this kind of exploring and experimenting right away, you'll be up-to-speed quickly. If you see the message you are reading now as part of a direct response I (or anyone) has made to one of your posts, it was probably copied and pasted from this journal. I hate form letters and auto-responses as much as anyone -but I also hate forgetting to tell people what they need to know, so this is my safety-net. Consider it as part of your "Welcome" kit. So -please join and try things out.
You might also want to read my entries for the "Right Click Trick" and "When in Haste, Use Copy 'n Paste" for some other convenient time-savers.
We're glad you are here!
Now, let's have a look at some essential points in your material:
...I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother
...I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show
...looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused
...I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter
ML, I gotta tell you: right or wrong, good or bad and all points in between, your kid is your kid. He is going to be who he is going to be. Your job as a parent WAS to protect him, feed him give him the best educational opportunties you could, set an example of good behavior -etc. That job is over. Whether and how he reponds to you or loves you is entirely at his discretion and has little to do with anything you do now -meaning, you can't make him do or be anything -and there is nothing for you to "fix," because, odd as it may seem, nothing is really broken.
Except your heart, Mary Lou, except your heart. And that's a lot. But it is not his job to fix it, it is yours. You've taken enormous and important first strides by cutting off the gravy train, which no doubt has caused you significant guilt, but it must be done, otherwise you have the dependency still there.
I think therapy is a wonderful idea, and you should continue with it. But the first step, dear woman, is to get YOUR life back. I mean it, set aside your relationship with and access to son and granddaughter right now. Deal with YOUR side of the equation. Obsess? Why obsess? What do his abuse stories bother you? Simply because they are untrue? So what? Suppose they were true, would you feel better, then? You said "perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else." Almost sounds like you are answering an accusation that you messed it all up because you didn't know any better. And yet, you claim to be educated. And this: " I raised my 4 younger siblings. My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy.... " Sounds like the difficulties of growing up became transplanted directly into the problems of marriage and parenting.
I'll bet you - I'll just bet you- that you hear a critical voice in what I'm saying, that you see me wagging a finger at you. NOT SO. I'm simply showing you what you have told us. Mary Lou, it is a jumble, layers of confused emotional material which only serve to drive you crazy -which is why you came here!
So the first step -and a step upon which ALL others depend, is to get YOU squared away. And that means loving youself really well while you work with a therapist to understand more about why you are the way you are, and learn -and really believe- that once you've done your best (the best you could at the time) that's all you can do. So, job 1 is to take care of YOU. See to that, starting right NOW.
There is also a forum for Relationships, if you'd like to check in there and see what's what. You are welcome to stay with us, because, while you may not yet have panic or anxiety -as a disorder- you sure as hell have all the ingredients! And many here know exactly what you are going through. And Fuzzy, as you can tell, is usually brimming with good advice. Read what follows for info on how to join:
One of the BEST ways to get the most out of this forum to work is to JOIN it - become a part of it. Its easy -just click the Join Link -enter some profile information about yourself -even a picture if you care to- and anything you think would help us get to know you faster and better, and you can change this material whenever you like. You will also be accessible to receive private messages when other members click the name you've given yourself -sort of a "push to talk" feature. After you've done that, spend some time just using various features of the forum. For example, to see all the posts or responses that someone has made, just click their handle, go to their profile, click Posts, and read to your heart's content. You may also enter search terms -including member names- in the search box at the upper right of your screen and the system will retrun everything matching the term(s) you entered. This INCLUDES a drug database that will give you both user posts about drugs as well as the medical information about the drug. A great way to get quick answers about therapeutic effect, side effects, interactions, etc.
One of the profile categories is your mood, which you may change anytime you like.
Along the right side of your screen is a section of Recent Activity, which not only alerts you to new posts, but new ANYTHING, including journal entries and mood. This is a way to telegraph the community at large without actually creating a separate post. Thus, if you see a friend's mood has changed while you are working on a response or post, it can alert you to send them a private message to learn more or simply let them know you're thinking of them. Likewise, if you are going to be "out," you could enter something like "off line for the night" as your mood, and people would know you're away from the forum for awhile.
If you do this kind of exploring and experimenting right away, you'll be up-to-speed quickly. If you see the message you are reading now as part of a direct response I (or anyone) has made to one of your posts, it was probably copied and pasted from this journal. I hate form letters and auto-responses as much as anyone -but I also hate forgetting to tell people what they need to know, so this is my safety-net. Consider it as part of your "Welcome" kit. So -please join and try things out.
You might also want to read my entries for the "Right Click Trick" and "When in Haste, Use Copy 'n Paste" for some other convenient time-savers.
We're glad you are here!
2 Comments
Hello! My name is Maria and I was reading Mary Lou's story which is very similar to mine and my son's and then I read this response which made complete sense to me. Not even an hour ago I had a real bad discussion with my son over him not calling or coming to see me. But after reading this I am going to back off. I just want to say THANK YOU, after looking briefly through the internet for answers to my pain, I understand a lot of what is going on and what I must do. Thank you again!!
Hi Maria, how are you! I'm glad you found us. I'd love to hear more about what is going on with you and your son!
i have raised 3 children by myself never had a good paying job, but one thing you say,seems to say something to me you said and i quote my son never went without anything)maybe you gave him to much and it seems he is still holding his hand out. i see no reson for a mother to feel like you do when she has done all she can do i raised my children strict my children did not get even sometimes what they needed as i had to buy rummage sale clothes for us on my salary we could not afford to much but i did not and would not today put up with any verbal abuse from them and they know this also i taught them to respect their elders i know that you will probably get upset with me for saying this but maybe he had things to easy my children all worked for their lunch at school and also in summer for thei school clothes if they wanted new ones my children-knew. that this was the best i could provide sometime a mother of one or even more thinks that they should just hand over what kids want i do not beleive that way i feel like i did the best i could and we were lucky to have food on the table and i was thankful for what we had if i were you i would not let him see it bothered me it seems like that is the way he gets his kicks so to speak and the girlfreind or-wife whatever if she said one word out off the way she would not be-there at all i cant see why you put up with this kind of treatment you need more respect for your self you seem to be a wonderful caring person and the longer you let them step on you the more they are going to just tell them the free ride is over dont brood dont look back and maybe in time he will see what his mom has done but whether he does or not are you going to let this ruin your life it will if you keep looking back look forward and say i have done the best i know how and as of today i am taking control of my life if you cant say anything good to say go home and dont let him have any more money he has you on some kind of guilt trip i spanked my kids i took the phone privilage away i would not let them visit their freinds if they did not mind your son is grown let him go when he gets older he will be sorry and if he isnt just remember it is his life now and not yours and you can not lead it for him dont interfere back away i dont want you to think i am unfeeling i know that you love hime but working in the medical feild i have seen a lot heard a lot i am a lot older than you but plese dont let him ruin your life. i can see in your post you dont want to let go and obsession is really a bad thing if you see you cant go forward by all means go to group therapy it seems you are letting him take control you say you are well edcucated then see what he is trying to do by leting his whatever yell at you either you put up with it or you dont i hope that he will see things right but if you dont quit thinking about him thinga are not going to get better i wish you lots of luck and i hope you do not take offense at my comments just my feelins on the subject jo
are you still watching this column i have not seen any posts from you please let us know how you are luck jo
Hi I feel for you.I'm a man.I got together with my childhood sweetheart aftermany many years.She was married and had been married twice before.Anyway she had a 5 year old son.They came as a package of course.Over the ensuing years the son hated me.I guess because he thought it was my fault his dad left and he was right.Eventually after 15 years he became an adult and we are now good friends.He matured very well and I have learned much more than I ever expected.So my advice to you is don't worry about it.You will allways be his mom and even though it may not seem like he loves you he really does and things will get better between you.It's a sure thing .It just takes time.
I'm 66. My son just turned 40. I took him away from an abusive first marriage when he was two. We were lucky, because I met and fell in love with a man who fell in love with both me and my son. We married when my son was three. I became a stay-at-home wife and a full-time mother. We devoted our lives to making my son (the only child we would ever have) happy. Wanting him always to feel important, we'd let him pick where we'd vacation. We gave him our beautiful car (two years old) to make sure he'd be in a reliable vehicle. We bought a new car for ourselves. One school day, son washed his car and, without asking, took our brand new car to school; because it was raining, and he didn't want HIS car to get dirty and wet. He smashed our new car to smithereens.
Then, after our car was repaired, he skidded on wet grass and drove his car into the building where he worked. Then he ran off. My husband (his loving stepfather) paid the costs out of pocket due to just having to claim the accident with our car on our insurance.
Due to the fact that son absolutely refused to take on any chores all the while he was growing up, there were loud arguments about his attitude. Finally we stopped asking him, realizing it would just lead to more fighting.
I'd clean his room, only to find he trashed it.............again.
When the college years came, he became even mouthier, telling us he didn't have to take "this f-ing ****." He chose an expensive college, and we paid for it. We couldn't figure out what it was he felt he was "taking".......besides our love and generosity, which certainly didn't appear to him something for which to be grateful and respectful.
He'd take off on a Friday night, not telling us where he'd be and not show up until the following Monday, causing us to be frantic with worry. When we approached him about it, he refused to discuss it. Refusing to discuss anything has been the pattern. He hates confrontation and refuses to deal with it. We're supposed to pretend it didn't happen, put it in the past and leave it there.............without solutions.
He finally met the girl he'd marry. Wanting to give them a better honeymoon than they could afford, we surprised them with a week in San Francisco (we live on the east coast), plus gave them $1,000 in spending money. THAT was their SHOWER gift. The wedding gift we gave them made the $1,000 shower gift pale in comparison. No, we're not wealthy...........just lead with our hearts even if it hurts our wallets.
They bought a house and wanted to borrow $1,500. We agreed, with the promise they'd pay it back. Son made small payments for a couple of months and then proceeded to continue buying himself extravagant luxuries and not making any attempt to pay any more of the money back. I approached him about it. He decided that, since his new home had central AC, and he had a wall unit AC in mint condition, he'd give us the AC to pay off the remainder of his loan, since we needed one. We didn't feel it was a fair exchange, but we accepted it.
Son started eliminating certain holidays that had always been tradition with our family. Telling him how hurt I was didn't serve to change his mind. Yet when I tried to change a family tradition I didn't care for, he "reprimanded" me in a way that let me know things would be worse if we didn't respect what HE wanted.
He and his wife decided they wanted no children. They became heavily involved in sports. The few visits we get were obviously obligatory on their part, which made us feel like we were walking on egg shells. When they did visit, they took over the remote, called their friends on the phone or busied themselves with their sports equipment rather than sit and visit with us. If we dared to say anything about it, son claimed we're always looking for an argument.
Son and his wife just turned 40. We threw a big party which ultimately ended up costing us $2,500. They sent us an obligatory thank-you note and a floral arrangement to say thank you.
This past Mother's Day he asked what I'd like to do. I got about two hours of the day I requested before we found ourselves being left to walk 25 steps behind them, as they perused all the shops that interested THEM and ended up eating in a restaurant of THEIR choice. No, they didn't pay for our dinner.
Son called the Thursday before Father's Day to ask "dad" what he'd like to do. Dad requested a small trip but told son he realized that son also has a father-in-law to consider, so son should get back to him about the plans. Friday son calls to ask questions about a problem he was having........mentions nothing about Father's Day. Saturday dad calls to ask what's going on with the plans..........leaves a message, son and his wife are not home. By Sunday morning (Father's Day), we still had heard nothing so decided to get dressed and just do our own thing. Phone rings and daughter-in-law says "Dad called yesterday and left a message, so I'm returning his call." Not a word about Father's Day. By that time we had enough, so my husband and I laced into them about being thoughtless. Things got louder and louder until son finally said, "Do you want to argue or do you want to go?!?!" At that point, my husband said he wouldn't be able to put himself in the mood to enjoy any kind of day with them. Everyone hung up.
We've not seen son or his wife since May (Mother's Day). There's been no communication. We know this is son's way of ending any relationship we had.
I cannot call him, because my logic (which I usually cast aside because my love for him takes over) tells me I'll just be enabling him to carry on with the emotional abuse he causes us. If I don't call him, I realize I've lost my only child. So I sit as piece-by-piece I die a little each day, swollen-eyed from crying.
How can he recall the past and come up with anything resembling a bad upbringing? My husband and I went without so many things. We sacrificed ourselves in order never to sacrifice HIM. I've prayed, but my prayers seem to go unanswered. So, here I sit mourning a son who's still alive but has gone out of our lives as surely as if his life had been taken. How is it possible to have given so much of yourself to a person and yet have failed so miserably? I'm so very, very sad.
Then, after our car was repaired, he skidded on wet grass and drove his car into the building where he worked. Then he ran off. My husband (his loving stepfather) paid the costs out of pocket due to just having to claim the accident with our car on our insurance.
Due to the fact that son absolutely refused to take on any chores all the while he was growing up, there were loud arguments about his attitude. Finally we stopped asking him, realizing it would just lead to more fighting.
I'd clean his room, only to find he trashed it.............again.
When the college years came, he became even mouthier, telling us he didn't have to take "this f-ing ****." He chose an expensive college, and we paid for it. We couldn't figure out what it was he felt he was "taking".......besides our love and generosity, which certainly didn't appear to him something for which to be grateful and respectful.
He'd take off on a Friday night, not telling us where he'd be and not show up until the following Monday, causing us to be frantic with worry. When we approached him about it, he refused to discuss it. Refusing to discuss anything has been the pattern. He hates confrontation and refuses to deal with it. We're supposed to pretend it didn't happen, put it in the past and leave it there.............without solutions.
He finally met the girl he'd marry. Wanting to give them a better honeymoon than they could afford, we surprised them with a week in San Francisco (we live on the east coast), plus gave them $1,000 in spending money. THAT was their SHOWER gift. The wedding gift we gave them made the $1,000 shower gift pale in comparison. No, we're not wealthy...........just lead with our hearts even if it hurts our wallets.
They bought a house and wanted to borrow $1,500. We agreed, with the promise they'd pay it back. Son made small payments for a couple of months and then proceeded to continue buying himself extravagant luxuries and not making any attempt to pay any more of the money back. I approached him about it. He decided that, since his new home had central AC, and he had a wall unit AC in mint condition, he'd give us the AC to pay off the remainder of his loan, since we needed one. We didn't feel it was a fair exchange, but we accepted it.
Son started eliminating certain holidays that had always been tradition with our family. Telling him how hurt I was didn't serve to change his mind. Yet when I tried to change a family tradition I didn't care for, he "reprimanded" me in a way that let me know things would be worse if we didn't respect what HE wanted.
He and his wife decided they wanted no children. They became heavily involved in sports. The few visits we get were obviously obligatory on their part, which made us feel like we were walking on egg shells. When they did visit, they took over the remote, called their friends on the phone or busied themselves with their sports equipment rather than sit and visit with us. If we dared to say anything about it, son claimed we're always looking for an argument.
Son and his wife just turned 40. We threw a big party which ultimately ended up costing us $2,500. They sent us an obligatory thank-you note and a floral arrangement to say thank you.
This past Mother's Day he asked what I'd like to do. I got about two hours of the day I requested before we found ourselves being left to walk 25 steps behind them, as they perused all the shops that interested THEM and ended up eating in a restaurant of THEIR choice. No, they didn't pay for our dinner.
Son called the Thursday before Father's Day to ask "dad" what he'd like to do. Dad requested a small trip but told son he realized that son also has a father-in-law to consider, so son should get back to him about the plans. Friday son calls to ask questions about a problem he was having........mentions nothing about Father's Day. Saturday dad calls to ask what's going on with the plans..........leaves a message, son and his wife are not home. By Sunday morning (Father's Day), we still had heard nothing so decided to get dressed and just do our own thing. Phone rings and daughter-in-law says "Dad called yesterday and left a message, so I'm returning his call." Not a word about Father's Day. By that time we had enough, so my husband and I laced into them about being thoughtless. Things got louder and louder until son finally said, "Do you want to argue or do you want to go?!?!" At that point, my husband said he wouldn't be able to put himself in the mood to enjoy any kind of day with them. Everyone hung up.
We've not seen son or his wife since May (Mother's Day). There's been no communication. We know this is son's way of ending any relationship we had.
I cannot call him, because my logic (which I usually cast aside because my love for him takes over) tells me I'll just be enabling him to carry on with the emotional abuse he causes us. If I don't call him, I realize I've lost my only child. So I sit as piece-by-piece I die a little each day, swollen-eyed from crying.
How can he recall the past and come up with anything resembling a bad upbringing? My husband and I went without so many things. We sacrificed ourselves in order never to sacrifice HIM. I've prayed, but my prayers seem to go unanswered. So, here I sit mourning a son who's still alive but has gone out of our lives as surely as if his life had been taken. How is it possible to have given so much of yourself to a person and yet have failed so miserably? I'm so very, very sad.
1 Comments
You did too much. When we put our children at the head of the home, we mold them to be the center. I am guilty and my eyes are swollen from tears too.
wow iam very sorry for the way you've been treated. But u should realize that its not you to blame. If you believe that you did the best you could then thats all there is to it. And remeember that family is not the only form of socialization a person gets. There are many secondary peer groups that shape a person through their life time and the person being socialized chooses the best percpective of the world for them. What i really think is that hes just spoiled, with love and money and is very selfish probably from being an only child. He has taken what u gave him for granted, but i think that the universe will balance itself out and you jsut gotta be patient.
Thank you for your response. There still has been no communication. I continue to mourn, and I'm sure he's too busy having fun to give me or my husband a second thought. As for patience, I've come to the conclusion that a situation like this can destroy a mother whose whole life has been dedicated to making sure her son never had to question how much he was loved and wanted. My husband and I thought we were demonstrating that we did things for him because that's what you do for those you love. You GIVE all the love and help you can. But that doesn't seem to be what son learned at all. Instead of learning the traits of giving and loving from us, he appears to have focused on the RECEIVING part. I honestly always believed that it's okay to give a child "stuff," as long as you nurture that child with an abundance of love and understanding, also. We've ALWAYS been there for him, through thick and thin. How he can cast aside the two people who loved him most in the world and did the most for him is something I'll never understand. My husband loved him and did more for him than many biological fathers do. He didn't HAVE to take on this responsibility, but he did because of his love for both my son and me. I can't begin to tell you how hurt he is.
I hope you're right about the universe balancing itself out. I hope I live to see it.
Rejected
I hope you're right about the universe balancing itself out. I hope I live to see it.
Rejected
It seems the better you are to the kids, the worse they treat you. The worse you treat them, the better they are to you.
Gotta have God in the picture. Can't please everyone, have to do what is right. That is so hard as parents because we want to please our kids and give them so much, but that is not good for them. As these examples prove.
Gotta have God in the picture. Can't please everyone, have to do what is right. That is so hard as parents because we want to please our kids and give them so much, but that is not good for them. As these examples prove.
1 Comments
You know, I have known parents that left their children and were not good parents and now that they are older the kids adore them.
I just had another thought, you can not have a relationship with someone, just because you want to. They have to want to as well. Until he comes to this point, try to find some kind of outlet to help ease the pain.
I am so sorry you are having to have this kind of pain. But you will come out stronger....if you believe.
I am so sorry you are having to have this kind of pain. But you will come out stronger....if you believe.
Thank you, peggy. My son has always been my heart, no matter how old he gets. I have no idea what fills in the void once your heart is trampled on by your own flesh and blood.
I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but do you think your son has put his life on hold? do you think he is miserable? Is is sitting around somewhere writing about how miserable he is without you? I don't say that to upset you but to get you to see the truth in this, for your own health. This kind of ongoing emtional upset will cause you physical harm and then when he does come back, you won't be able to enjoy the restored relationship because of emotional induced illness.
I only say this because I hope an pray wellness and wholeness for you.
I heard someone say that when these things happen we have to go on. Give yourself a time line to grieve in and then try to begin living again. It sounds like this is something that might help in your situation.
I only say this because I hope an pray wellness and wholeness for you.
I heard someone say that when these things happen we have to go on. Give yourself a time line to grieve in and then try to begin living again. It sounds like this is something that might help in your situation.
I have been estranged from my younger daughter for six or seven years. I has been agonizing because I know I have no control over what she does.
However, I did find a website for parents of estranged adult children. It's good website and they seem to manage to keep the lurker and phoneys out. If anyone wants the contact information, please just ask. It has helped me hang onto my sanity.
However, I did find a website for parents of estranged adult children. It's good website and they seem to manage to keep the lurker and phoneys out. If anyone wants the contact information, please just ask. It has helped me hang onto my sanity.
1 Comments
Can I have that website? ***@****
Knowing my son, there's no way he's put his life on hold or is thinking about how miserable he is without me. He's much too self-centered to waste time missing me or my husband. If he were that miserable, he wouldn't allow this to continue. I've always given in, but I can't let that happen again, no matter how miserable I may feel. I'm trying, peggy. I'm really trying. It's still a very open wound. I'm hoping and praying time will close the wound and allow it to heal..........with or without my son in my life.
I feel your pain, lonewolf. I, for one, would like you to post a link to the website for parents of estranged children. Thank you.
I am so sorry that you are all going through this most horrible type of rejection. But I am so glad to have found this site where others will undertand my heartache. I have been going through this for many years....and I thought I was all alone. I thought this was so awful that surely no other mother could possibly be going through what I am going through. I have heard many stories about sons and daughters who mistreat their parents, which is bad enough. But I never hear about any, like mine and some others on this board, where grown children just completely cut their parents out of their lives, literally disown them, without any ligitimate reason at all. I do know that we live in a generation that has an extreme sense of entitlement and very little, if any, respect, honor, or character. But, even so, it seems that even mothers who weren't the best to their kids, even mothers who abused and abandoned still have some sort of relationship with them when they are grown. I see this all of the time. I can't bare the shame of telling anyone that two of my adult children have not spoken to me in several years, and that I have never even seen my grandchildren. Anybody who hears this would have to believe that I was a horrible mother and that now I am getting my just punishment. Truly, there is no other logical explanation. I myself would draw that conclusion if I heard my own story. From the bottom of my heart I wish this were the case, because then at least I would understand, it would actually make some sense. I am not perfect, but I was totally devoted to my children. I expressed love to them continually, spent time with them, helped them learn and grow, always knew where they were and was available to them, did all that I could to give them a happy and enjoyable childhood, and lived my life morraly before them. I felt blessed to be a mother and took the responsibility of shaping the lives that were entrusted to me very seriously. Unfortunatley, I could only do my part, and could not replace their father who was emotionally absent from both me and our children. For over 30 years I thought I was doing the right thing by sacrificing my own happiness in a loveless marriage and trying to stay together for their sake. We made it until they were grown and then divorced. I wonder now if it was the wrong decision to try and keep an unhappy marriage together, and if this set the stage for what was to come. I have grieved the death of loved ones, parents, a husband, and others. This rejection from my grown children is a grief just as painful as a death, except it never ends because my sons are very much alive and apparently happily living their lives, and the "death" that I grieve is their relationship to me. I have asked God, is there a lesson I need to learn from this so that it can end, is there a work You want me to do so some good can come out of this, but no answers have come. I am a Christian and I do trust God and I know there is a purpose in everything. I just wish I could find a way to live again unshackled by this heartache. I hate thinking that I will live the rest of my days in this dark and dreary prison that has become my secret life. I dread Mother's Day year after year after year, hearing others talking about their grandchildren and hiding the fact that I have two grandchildren but have never seen them. I can't forget the beautiful innocent babies that I rocked to sleep and sang lullubys to. I can't forget the little boys who climbed into my lap, held onto my hand as if I was their whole world, and told me how much they loved me. I know children grow up and venture out into their own lives and we become less important. But how can my sons forget all about me and put me so completely out of their lives this easily?
4 Comments
Wow! You are me!! I am going through the same thing right now! My 1st grandchild was just born this Valentines day and my son has not spoken to me since June-
I know your pain. My son lives three miles away and they have a precious little boy. We have been cut out of their lives and it is unbearable. After reading all these comments it has helped me. I pray and plead with God to move this mountain. I have asked God what is it I need to learn?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but the person to ask is your son. If that hasn't worked or if you know what his objections are and you haven't tried to resolve those problems then maybe some intervention by other family members might do the trick.
Hi Saundra. This is so hard, isn't it? Kids sometimes don't vocalize the pains of their childhood. We, as parents, are often doing our best and sometimes don't realize if something we've done has been hurtful. If your adult child is open to talking, talk to him. But be willing to really listen. Apologize if need be. And try to truly hear what they have to say. No one is perfect. Forgiveness is freeing for your son as it is for you. peace to you.
Cmarie, your words, your sorrow, your pain,
My prayers are with you that God will sustain you and give you His grace and mercy to endure........
My prayers are with your sons, that they will have their eyes opened to the truth and make amends with you, while there is still time. Both for your sake as well as for their own.
My prayers are with you that God will sustain you and give you His grace and mercy to endure........
My prayers are with your sons, that they will have their eyes opened to the truth and make amends with you, while there is still time. Both for your sake as well as for their own.
I have trouble with my 17 year old son hating me because he says I play favorites and give his older brother (23) everything and him nothing. His brother of course does the right thing, good grades, college, very respectful, never in trouble, works, helps whenever I ask and earned rewards accordingly, like a car for graduation and insurance, a phone, computer, etc. He of course is not perfect but I feel, has earned everything he has gotten. My 17 year old however is ALWAYS fighting the system, hating the rules everywhere, in trouble with police, hated school and has wanted his own way all his life. He disrespects me and says he doesn't care if he lives or dies, he wont be around long anyway, is very impulsive because of adhd, gets in trouble at school, crashed my truck twice, swears and smokes at school, etc. and tries all the time to hurt me with his words. Because of this he does not drive anymore or have a phone. I understand all children are different and have different intelligent levels but you can't give one who breaks the rules the same as one who follows the rules, it wouldn't be fair to the one who follows the rules would it? His father pasted away 5 years ago and I believe this is a lot of the problem but he has always been strong willed, rebelious and wanted his own way. As mothers we rack our brains 24/7 trying to solve the problems we have with our children and reading all the problems everyone here are having makes me realize that I and maybe you need to make the first move for our sanity and try to make an appointment with them, at their convenience, sit them down and ask them how we can make this situation between us better. I will tell him I am sorry for whatever I have done but I want a truce and I want to start over and I love him and ask him what would need to be done to make us have a relationship again. Hopefully I can calmly talk to him and find out what in the heck is wrong with us and what we can do to make it better. I am a christian and I have God in my life but I am tired of sitting around feeling bad when I have done the best I can. I dont want to be sad about this the rest of my life. I have two sons and one is fine so I must have done something right. Hopefully we can come up with an answer. Seeya Heidi
I do feel your pain, because im going through the same thing almost, except its the other way around.. My mother is doing the same to me... Im 24, married with one son of my own, 2 stepkids (mykids), and a wonderful life with my family.. but my mother will have nothing to do with me. I had my son when I was 17 and once me and his father broke up, mymother got with my son's dad's father ( my son's grandpa) which is sick, but I dont have anything to do with it.. well after that we lost our house my mother and I got and my son's father went to jail for his stupidity... so my mother and her b/f went and lived in an RV, with no place for me to go.. ( we lost our house because my mother couldnt afford her sorry b/f and bills, plus took my money when I worked, and my childsupport at the time) anyways I went and lived w/ my grandparents where I became a better person... since I dropped out of school, I went and got my GED, went to college, and got a job.. anyways to make a long story short... its been 5 yrs...and anytime I go to court...my mother is on their side... well its gotten worse... she is manipulating my son by tellin him lies (he is 7) saying its my fault for anything that is wrong... also she still doesnt want anything to do with me... so all I can suggest is take a day at a time... its really hard... and there isnt anything we can do... but wait ... which is hard... also therapy is good too...
I hope everything works out!
Autum
I hope everything works out!
Autum
Hello, I feel for you. Your story is exactly like mine. But mine just started (or so I thought) just a few days ago. My son is 22 and still living at home. He quit school and has had several dead-end jobs for the past year, going out with his friends and not seeing him for 2-3 days. We informed him the other day that he has 30 days to move out and the financial help stops now. He responded with a 3-page letter telling us what horrible parents we were and how we "forced" him to go to summer school, take swimming lessons, etc. etc. in order to get him away from us. Of course, this letter was filled with dozens of curse words. The letter was completely about him and convenetly left out all the good things that has happened in his life. I have always lived my life for him. I was older when I had him and he was really a miracle baby. I have racked my brain about what we did wrong and I can only come up with, we both worked full time and his grandmother took care of him every day. I have been crying every night and I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty and I have to just leave him alone and maybe someday he will come to the realization that we weren't so bad after all. I hope things have improved for you and I hope they do for me also. Please take care and write to me if you'd like.
well i think everyone has said what can be said. i find it interesting you came to this particular forum. i believe all the things you've said. it's only one side of a very complex situation, though. i don't say that to be rude...but what i'm getting at is my mom and brother are in the same situation. he completely disrespects her and always has. i think he hates her. yet, he'll always go to her first for money. fortunately for my mom she has 2 other kids who do care a lot about her...which is myself and my sister. my point is that while my whole immediate family knows that my brother is "different"...and my mom is fully aware of it...it's possible that if i were ever to get my brother to actually talk about why he is the way he is...he may give me an entirely different perspective, even though his behavior still couldn't be considered acceptable. i won't give you my whole story...it would be a novel....but i will say you aren't alone. my brother really isn't my brother anymore to me...and i can only imagine how things must be for my mom. the only solution we ever came up with is to simply let him be him. now that he's older, i think he's finally starting to see the consequences of how he's treated others. he hasn't seen his family in over 3 years. this is not the solution you want, and i know that. you want to make everything better. we have never found a way to do that...and my family has tried. i don't know how similar your situation is, but i do know we've had to simply move on. sometimes the best thing for us as humans is simply to appreciate the relationships that we actually have and build on those rather than dwell on relationships that don't exist or can not be repaired. again i don't know the entire situation and i wouldn't tell you to give up...but i am saying that you can't force something like that to work right.
in any event...i don't know that anything i've said has been of help, but i do wish you the best of luck. if you can't fix what you are wanting to fix...the best thing to do is not to let it consume you. you have to eventually let it go otherwise you can't be happy. and it's a good idea to keep seeing a psych. hope you find a solution to your problem.
in any event...i don't know that anything i've said has been of help, but i do wish you the best of luck. if you can't fix what you are wanting to fix...the best thing to do is not to let it consume you. you have to eventually let it go otherwise you can't be happy. and it's a good idea to keep seeing a psych. hope you find a solution to your problem.
maybe you all can help me?
I think that I can handle this world for about 1 more week.
I lost my 2nd son when I divorced my 1st husband... I understood.. .he thought he was going with the money... he was always looking out for himself and needed the best... NO Biggie...
I lost my daughter 6 years ago... she did not like my house rules... she called the police on me twice claiming abuse... (No Way)... the 3rd time was the charm... I was handcuffed.. fingerprinted... and jailed for 49 hours... NOT guilty... It cost me $5,000 to be proved innocent before a judge. The night she sent me to jail... she told my neighbor 2 things... 1) I hope she finds a girfriend in there... 2) I have her credit cards and I am going shopping....
Now I have lost my 31 year old son... he is a Dr. and Yes... I put him through school...
Here is what happened... and I want anyone out there to chastize me... I know I did wrong...
I was asked to babysit my 2/2month year old grandchild for the 2nd time in her life... (I am the B grandparent)... my son's in-laws are wealthy... and I am not... I am the Black Sheep in his life... (yet I was good enough to raise him)
Anyway... as I was sitting... the phone rang... I looked for paper... I saw one in the basket by the phone... as I turned it over to see if it was OK to write on...I noticed it was a reciept from the Goodwill... I was shooked...
GoodWill!!!... as I read the list it seemed familiar... IT was a list of everything I had given my son, his wife, and my grand-daughter for Xmas 2 weeks ago... WOW!
2 weeks ago it got to me... I called my son and said first... I am embarassed that I saw the list.. I was not snooping... but I was hurt... what is the deal?
At first he acted like he had no idea... and we ended the call...
2 minutes later he called me back and this is what he said...
"I dare you... no I ******* dare you... call me at this hour (9:10PM), my child was asleep, my wife... no, my pregnant wife was asleep... Don't ever call this number again... I never want to see you again...
And your grand-daughter... you will never see her again... and Your grand-daughter to be born... You will never lay eyes on her...
AND... when you die...NONE of your kids will be at your funeral... because WE all HATE you...
and he hung up...
2 weeks and 2 days...
WHAT DO I DO???????????
I think that I can handle this world for about 1 more week.
I lost my 2nd son when I divorced my 1st husband... I understood.. .he thought he was going with the money... he was always looking out for himself and needed the best... NO Biggie...
I lost my daughter 6 years ago... she did not like my house rules... she called the police on me twice claiming abuse... (No Way)... the 3rd time was the charm... I was handcuffed.. fingerprinted... and jailed for 49 hours... NOT guilty... It cost me $5,000 to be proved innocent before a judge. The night she sent me to jail... she told my neighbor 2 things... 1) I hope she finds a girfriend in there... 2) I have her credit cards and I am going shopping....
Now I have lost my 31 year old son... he is a Dr. and Yes... I put him through school...
Here is what happened... and I want anyone out there to chastize me... I know I did wrong...
I was asked to babysit my 2/2month year old grandchild for the 2nd time in her life... (I am the B grandparent)... my son's in-laws are wealthy... and I am not... I am the Black Sheep in his life... (yet I was good enough to raise him)
Anyway... as I was sitting... the phone rang... I looked for paper... I saw one in the basket by the phone... as I turned it over to see if it was OK to write on...I noticed it was a reciept from the Goodwill... I was shooked...
GoodWill!!!... as I read the list it seemed familiar... IT was a list of everything I had given my son, his wife, and my grand-daughter for Xmas 2 weeks ago... WOW!
2 weeks ago it got to me... I called my son and said first... I am embarassed that I saw the list.. I was not snooping... but I was hurt... what is the deal?
At first he acted like he had no idea... and we ended the call...
2 minutes later he called me back and this is what he said...
"I dare you... no I ******* dare you... call me at this hour (9:10PM), my child was asleep, my wife... no, my pregnant wife was asleep... Don't ever call this number again... I never want to see you again...
And your grand-daughter... you will never see her again... and Your grand-daughter to be born... You will never lay eyes on her...
AND... when you die...NONE of your kids will be at your funeral... because WE all HATE you...
and he hung up...
2 weeks and 2 days...
WHAT DO I DO???????????
Are you aware that you always marry what is familiar? You married your alcholic husband because one of your parents was an alcholic. If you weren't raised with an alcholic, when you were dating your husband you would have said, "I'm outta here." but you were desensitized to that kind of behavior because you were raised with it. Everyone on the plantet marry's what is familiar. Your son married a controling wife because YOU were controling. He was desensitized to controling behavior. That's why, when his girlfriend started controling him, it didn't feel strange to him. He didn't say, "I'm not putting up with that." So, now you can't stand his wife because she's controling. Yet, it's your fault in the first place that he married someone like her. Also, your son was raised with a controling mother and an alcholic father. He is going to have some serious emotional problems as a result. None of which are his fault. You need to make peace with his wife whatever the cost. You will never have a good relationship with your son until he sees you being kind and loving to his wife. When your ready to have your son back in your life, your going to need to humble yourself and go to his wife and apologize for anything and everything you ever said or did to hurt her. And DO NOT bring up anything SHE did. Make it all about you, not her. And stop trying to control your son. Your still doing it because you said you cut him off from all money from you. That's how your controling him. You must stop it! When he does anything that you don't approve of, you need to tell him in a loving way, but not give him advice. He's a grown man. He needs your support and your encouragment and your sympathy. He and his wife DO NOT want/need your advice. So, if he does something you don't like and he tells you, all you should say is, "Honey, I don't approve of that and you know it. But I love you and I'll always be here for you no matter what you do." Not, "If you do that I'll stop giving you money." Or, "I think that's wrong. You should do this instead." Remember, everything in the world responds to love. Plants, animals, and especially people.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
