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How do you leave ?

How do you know when enough is enough? I have posted in this forum numberous times and even after taking to many people this seems to be one of the only places where I feel comfort being totally and completely honest. I posted a journ entry of the message my partners mother sent me today. She pretty much has thanked me for loving and taking care of her son. And doesn't know how to express he gratitude. However this has come at a large cost. I hate myself. I hate him. I though giving up a couple years of my life to save his would be enough but it hasn't been. It won't be. It's not changing and when j does it doesn't last long. I'm stuck. I feel like all responsibility is mine. If anything happened I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I would always feel like it was. Especially with all responsibility put on me to be strong and responsible. I wanted a life partner not a child. And one addicted to drugs at that point. He has resulted in anger and abuse, not physical but horrible mental abuse. Making it my fault, or atleast making me feel like it is. I feel like I keep making excuses to stay or something keeps coming up, that allows me to say okay I'll stay until he gets this part of his life together or until he's stable and can get to work, but the truth it he's an addict and I don't know if he will ever be stable. I feel stuck. Mentally stuck with a lot of guilt and worry about leaving him. It consumes me, sometimes I think more than the drugs consume him, sometimes making me feel like I'm the one with the problem. It's insanity
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Avatar universal
its called enabling and the more you do it the more your addict is apt to not change his ways.   It took me a long while to get to this point with our son, but I find the NarAnon meetings and hearing others stories and how they dealt with their issues, very helpful.    Their strength has passed onto me in some weird way.    I Hate what i have to do to get there, because it is my loved one I am leaving to be on his own, but its what they need to get better or at least have the opportunity to help themselves.   With you being there all the time to pick him up - he is not going to learn.

Our addict tried to make us feel guilty for leaving him on the street with no money.  it was our fault he relapsed and our fault he was going to have to steal to make ends meet, but it was his fault he left a comfortable place with food and shelter to go back out on the street and use.   We would not let him make us feel guilty for that.  It seems for us so far it may be working as he went back to rehab and in a safe place.  I don't know what the future holds but he is slowly figuring it out on his own as we separate ourselves more from his demands.  I still feel somewhat as to what could i have done differently to have prevented this or how can i save him from himself, but I am slowly conforming to the fact that I Can't.  It is up to HIM    

get to a meeting    they help,  and if you don't like it - find a different one.  Every group is different and some are more helpful than others.   we went to several before we found our home meeting.  We found people we can trust, confide in, count on and guide us with their experiences.

good luck to you

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Avatar universal
Struggling,
My heart aches for you as I can tell that you are a loving person who has endured the agony of a relationship with an addict. I am the mother of an addict so I understand the pain and sadness you are feeling.
Hawkhuntr gives wonderful input. He and I are in the same place with our adult sons and we are trying to find our sanity as we work through our pain.
My son had a girlfriend in your situation. He was in LA, we were in SF. I didn't know my son had a problem until she called me one night and told me he needed rehab. I was floored! Never had a clue. She loved him and stayed with him for two years after that day trying to help fix him. I was so far away and did not really understand how bad the situation had gotten until one of his friends called me. I was so appreciative during this time that he had someone who loved him enough to try to help him pull it together. She was smart and strong. Just like you. But after his friend called, I called her and told her I realized I had been letting the burden fall on her to "take care" of my son. I didn't realize his abuse was so out of control and I had eased my worry by knowing she was there with him during this time. But it was wrong and it wasn't fair to her. I told her she deserved better and I meant it. I told her to tell him to leave and she did. I think she had finally reached the breaking point. She had had enough.
He came home to get clean and he was clean for about 9 months. But that is another post.
You have sacrificed way too much. It is time to save yourself. Nothing you do at this point is going to change the dynamic for him. You know you are an enabler and he is using that generous heart to keep doing what he is doing.
I finally had to make my son leave my home in December. I finally got it through my head that he needed to go.
I didn't think I could stand to just walk up to him one day and tell him to get the hell out. Instead I had a heart to heart with him and told him " You have a week to make up your mind. Either go to rehab or pack up and leave. You have until Friday to make your decision." Friday came and I told him to leave.
I had given him some time to think about it and it seemed less damaging to our relationship to do it that way. I knew I could live with myself better if I positioned it as his decision to be homeless.
I don't know if your partner has the financial ability to move in with someone else or family. Or perhaps you have a place you can go. Either way, it is time and you know it. You don't need me to tell you. As I told my son's girlfriend: You deserve better. The heavy lifting has gone on for too long. Go live the life you deserve.
I am sure his parents are appreciative because you have taken the burden off them to a certain extent. I will always love and respect my son's girlfriend for having the courage to call me and tell me she just couldn't do it any more. It broke my heart because I really loved her.
Give him an ultimatum date and be ready to act on it. You will ache and it will be so hard. But you will be doing the best thing for you....and more importantly, you will be doing the best thing for him.
We are here for you.  

  
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3060903 tn?1398565123
INCREDIBLY INSPIRING ADVICE  Given to you Struggling Survivor from Hawkhuntr and Strongerone...

It is important that a person in your partners condition to be given the choice to go to rehab, whether it's for a relapse or initial cleansing... there are churches who may provide free rehab if there's no insurance.. otherwise, a meeting or two with an Addictions Therapist (just as one would have access to in a Rehab) is critical....in many many cases of recovery.

My heart goes out to you, all.
Liz
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