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Husband Addicted to Cocaine

New Here - Husband addicted to coke

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hello everyone...i am new here. this is such a terrible time. but i knew that i was coming to the right place to share my story and hopefully get some advice/support.

well, i met my husband 12 years ago 20 month old son. i am 40 and my husband is 38. my husband has always smoked week...practically everyday. .
so, the problems in my marriage were forced to the surface when i discovered that during my pregnancy of 2010, he had an affair with his yoga instructor who is a former stripper from czech. i was devasted to learn the truth. we separated a few weeks, and then he moved back in. we tried to work things out...it was difficult...trying to rebuild the marriage after infedelity, but we tried. it was terrible for me though. but i wanted to save my family. he got into therapy and so did i. the affair was discovered 9 months ago when he confessed. so fast forward to 3 weeks ago. my husband is in the "mancave" all night with the door closed. i fall asleep. in the morning, i see his phone on the counter and discovered a dirty text message to a woman. i woke him up and we were both devastated. he said that he met her on the internet the year before and that they like to sext occasionally.

i was through. i told him to get out. he begged and pleaded for me not to leave him...he begged all day. and then he finally said that he wanted me to sit down. i was afraid of what was coming. he told me to sit on the couch and that he would be right back. he came in with a box. in the box were all these balloons. he told me that he was addicted to cocaine and had been for a long time...ever since we reconciled 9 months earlier. he said that he tried to stop but couldnt. he said that when he drinks, he likes to do the cocaine, and then gets sexual. i was devastated. he said that he could not stop doing it and wanted to. so, after a day of thinking about it, and after seeing his therapist...i decided to "stand by him." i gave him 4 conditions...i said that he had to go to rehab, stop drinking, go to counseling, and be 100% transparent. that transparency meant access to all email, phone, computer, etc. i never requested this from him when we reconciled from the 1st affair. he came back and told me that he would do the rehab, counseling, computer...but no phone. he said that he would not give me access to his phone records. he said all i would do was call people and get people in trouble at work...or make a big deal out of nothing. i was not budging. i told him that if he could not be transparent with me, then we had no marriage. and guess what? he left me. he went to go and stay at his brothers house for 2 weeks.

during that 2 weeks, he was acting crazy. he wanted to fight with me about visitation with our little toddler...things like wanting him to spend the night with him 4 nights in a row. and he was verbally abusive...calling me names...you name it. and i would only respond to him by saying..."rehab, stop drinking, transparency, counseling." and that only got him madder and madder. .

the next morning, he came over to our house in a rage when he saw that my son was not there.... he went crazy and pushed me ...and i hit the wall. i was terrified. i called the police...and they came asap. blood was everywhere. i had to have 5 stitches in my forehead. he went to jail for 8 days. i have never seen my husband in a rage like that.

when he got out of jail...he was not very remorseful..still staying at his brothers house. his family member were calling me to get his things. there is a restraining order in place by the police so his family was speaking on his behalf...of course all on his side. they all came over the night of the altercation being supportive and saying that he needed to get into rehab. well, once he got out of jail...things were a little different...they werent as nice to me. all my husband did was tell me how horrible jail was for him...it was like he was blaming me for him going to jail. he took no responsibility. and then he refused to talk to me and used the restraining order as an excuse even though it clearly says that he can talk to me about visitation in a peaceful way. but no, he had his family speak on his bahalf.

i know that his family spent the entire time he was locked up looking for rehab centers in our area. i agreed to let them use my insurance that pays 100 percent for in patient care. and then when he got out...he never went to rehab. he said he was going to go...but never went. i then learned that he might lose his job as a teacher because they found out about the domestic violence charge so he will have to answer for that.

he is staying over at his brothers house with no money, no car, job in jeopardy...just out of jail...and away from me and the baby.

i logged into his email account..as he must have forgot i have the password...i see that he reached out to a woman who he used to do drugs with a while back. i know they did coke and xanax together.

and he is still not in rehab.

since he is not talking to me...i finally sent him a letter telling him that i wanted out since he would not comply with the guidelines. i told him that i deserve a man to fight for me and his family....that i had value. i told him that he lied to me, cheated on me...shows no remorse and basically bailed on me and the baby. and that is exactly what he has done....and he wont even communicate with me. i felt as if i had no choice but to let him go. i will not take him back without rehab and transparency. something tells me that those phone records must be really bad...enough to risk the marriage. it could be other women....and/or all of his drug connections...i dont know. but all i do know is that he is not willing to be transparent with me. he wants to keep this secret life and that is not a marriage to me. i will not be a doormat.

i also told him that he could see our son whenever he wanted at our home...he cant take him with him anywhere...not as long as he has a drug problem. he came to see the baby a month ago...and brought a police officer with him. he said he wanted to make sure "i would not send him back to jail!" i could not believe he did that...he was the one who hurt me during the altercation???  i just ignored it and was polite to both the officer and my husband. it really hurt me that he turned that whole situation around.

but the truth is everyone...is that i am so upset. i miss him terribly. i cant believe that he left us. i cant believe that he is a drug addict. i dont want to believe it. i am in denial...i know that. i keep thinking he made up the drug addict story because he got caught sexting. but then why would he have all that coke to show me? and when i went on his computer...i saw that back in january, he submitted an on-line assessment to a rehab facility. i never knew. apparently they tried to contact him several times, and he never followed up. i dont want to believe that he is actually addicted to cocaine. he always seemed so function...ever stealing things...or missing money...so that is why i am having a hard time accepeting this. but the truth is that he even told him family he was addicted...why would he lie?


since he was here last to see the baby....a month ago...i have not heard a word from him. not even to ask about his son. during that time a month ago, i received an email from him telling me how he missed me and the baby desparately and how he cries about me...but that "he doesnt know how to come back."  and that "he lashes out becasue he doesnt know how i feel." i ignored it because i know that he already knows what to do. i cant accept his crumbs.

i dont know what to do....it is like he dropped off the face of the earth.

pleae help me.

sorry for the "book"
120 Responses
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear that ! my oldest daughter turned 18 and all hell broke loose  she is 19 and  addicted to heroin and I am raising her son which is 3 . which I am going to go get custody of . she has him maybe 4-5 times a month and doesn't call and check up on him or anything the rest of the time. she has quit her habit  for a month then went right back to it , she has lost everything she owns except her apartment only because its goes by your income , and since she has no income she lives there rent free but she lost her job & her car. you can help him and put him in rehab but ifs he doesn't want help your  just be wasting your time. good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thanks orientmom...i am very sorry about your daughter. this is all so very hard.

i dont know what to do.
Helpful - 0
954005 tn?1304626605
You DO know what to do.  Follow your instincts.  He did not comply with very reasonable conditions.  There is something i am thinking about since reading this.  You said he had little balloons or bags of cocaine? No missing $? I wonder if he is selling/dealing the cocaine as well as taking it.  It's a possibility...he would have phone #s of where he gets it, who he sells to.  Maybe not.  But even if he wasn;t selling it, everything else is enough.  You cannot have this person in your child's life.  Or your own.  He hurt you...emotionally and physically! And he didn;t get down on his knees and say he was sorry and beg you for forgiveness and promise to go to rehab...none of it...you said he was not remorseful.  I will say that a lot of his behaviour could be because of the drugs...they make people do crazy things, and they make people into different people.  But if he has no plan to go to rehab, then you need to be done.  And if he did go? That is not a guarantee that everything will be fixed.  I know you miss him....and you will for a while, but he is not the one you miss....you miss who he used to be.  I would get custody filed asap...you don;t know what he or his family will do....do you have family around as support to you? friends? He has cheated 2 times that you know of...or 1, but even sexting is inappropriate.  Those are things you found out.  There could be more.  And he does not want to be an open book for you, and that is so important for a healthy relationship.  I think you need to get out and file at least a separation, with custody of your child, with visitation for your husband, and probably supervised visitation since he is violent, and usually on drugs.  Maybe he'll take all of that as a wake-up call, and if after that, no change from him, then maybe you know you are done.  I hope I'm not saying too much...I am just thinking of your child mostly, because babies need secure, safe, loving environments.  And of course I am devastated for you that you are going through this.  I know how you feel about some of what has gone on with you, and I know you love him and just want everything fixed or better, and it is so sad that this is happening.  I know you are just broken.  And he broke you.  You need to take care of yourself and the baby...you tried to take care of him and he refused, so he has to take care of himself.  I hope I`ve helped you even a tiny bit...I`ll be here for you if you post again or if you want to private message instead.  I know this is so hard.  
Helpful - 0
1798872 tn?1346164585
What a mess,first my name is danny and im a addict (pain pills).Not sure how i wound up here,but glad i did....First you done the right thing,rehab. is for someone WANTING to quit,ifhe refused rehab. then that should be enough to STAY AWAY from him PEROID!! At this point it donst matter whos right or worng,if he refuses rehab. then i think that sould be the hard line you draw. Being a addict is no fun,if your willing to come clean with EVERYTHING,if he is not 100% honest then my opion would e to quit riding the fence,let go!! botttom line if he does not want rehab.,he my hurt you worse,and is not ready to quit,rom what im reading YOU DESERVE BETTER. Everyone deserves a chance IF they want to be clean,a husband,honest,be a friend ect..i know its hard-stand firm    Danny GOD BLESS.....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thank you...i am glad you think my conditions are reasonable. i am just really torn up about the whole thing. he refuses to give me his phone records which tells me that he has a lot to hide from me. and that is not a healthy marriage. i want no secrets. those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing is what my therapist tells me.

danny....do you believe that his drug use causes him to act like this? what about the cheating? is that all part of it? sometimes i feel like the cheating hurts me deeper than his addiction.

sometimes i feel like he has done so much bad and does not know how to make things right...so he just gives up...and walks out on his family.

what do you guys think?
Helpful - 0
1798872 tn?1346164585
Addicts will lie,cheat(not all of them) steal,what ever it takes to get dope,im sorry but true!!Yes im sure drugs are making him act this way,BUT he is still acting this way and its not SAFE for you and son,sorry but true.Stand firm for rehab. if he refuses then he is NOT ready to quit! Stay away from him till (if ever)he decides to quit.The phone records are im sure for dope conn. so they dont really matter,but being HONEST is,have a safe day and ill keep a eye on this forum-yes you are being reasonable ok,but like i said draw a HARD LINE and see where he"s at this point in he"s life..........yourin my prayers      Danny
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
He is a bully and only wants to please himself. Even him wanting to get back to you if for himself. I dont believe the drugs have anything to do with changing his personality or making him want sex or anything. The reason he is on coke is because he like it. Its all about him and if its not this it would be something else. Did you notice certain things about him when you first met that all this might happen down the road that maybe you were in denial from day one?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thank you for the replies...sometimes i feel like i am barely hanging on. i miss him so much...but in my heart, i know that i am doing what is best for me and my son.

it has been a month since i heard from him. why hasnt he even sent me an email, text, or call inquiring about how the baby is doing? not even to ask me if i need anything...like diapers...help financially...anything. i am able to provide for me and my baby...but it is like he fell off the face of the earth.

do you think he feels like a loser because he knows i now know he is a coke addict and that is why he wont make any contact? is he too ashamed? or is it that he is just not ready to stop doing drugs so he is staying away?

i dont know what to think.

i set some boundaries and i need to stay strong like everyone says. this forum is really helping me do that. it was so hard to put him out of this house...but i did. and he has been gone ever since. i pray that he just "sees the light" and gets some help.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm so sorry to hear your story.  How hard this situation must be...  I don't have a spouse with a drug problem, my daughter is "my addict"  but I think you are doing all the right things, except, try to stop asking yourself why he does what he does.  You are driving yourself crazy doing that.  The fact is that he made and is making the choices he is and you have yourself and a child to protect.  His using is not within your control.  We here have all been there, we think if we figure out why we can somehow fix things.  It just doesn't work that way.  Stay strong, you have a good head on your shoulders!

Have you thought about attending Alanon?  It was originally for families of alcoholics but they are very welcoming to families of all types of addicts too.  Basically, its all the same, addiction is addiction whether its to drugs and/or alcohol.  The focus of Alanon is not on "fixing" the alcoholic/addict but rather on fixing US.  When dealing with a family member who is chemically dependent we in a way become sicker than they are.  I resisted going but eventually did and now I see the wisdom in it.  If you do try it, they advise to at least try 6 meetings.  All the meetings are different so if one doesn't fit you try another.  The one my husband and I go to is a "beginner" meeting, they focus on the first 3 steps but discuss them all and the meeting is more open and less structured than a regular Alanon meeting.  We live in a large city and 90 Alanon meetings per week came up when I googled!

Hang in there, you have a good start in setting boundries, stick to them!

Jane
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
I dont think he feels like a loser, i think he just dosent care and is glad he does not have to be accountable to you anymore. He wants to be with other people that he can fool because he cant fool you anymore. Missing a person is terrible but what he has done to you is even worse. I dont think he changed into this person but was this way all along. He was just fooling you from day one. Accept this a lifes experience and find someone who will love you back.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Life...so you feel as though drugs has played no role in any of this? i have been married 12 years to him...and he was not always like this. you dont think him doing cocaine 4-5 a week is something i should take into consideration? that he is an addict that wont go to rehab?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Millerp.. I do not believe he was like this when he married you.. Please do not let your mind take you there.. cocaine has a terrible grip on peps and makes them do things they never would have never imagined themselves doing.. In my opinion it is not lack of love but active addiction.. I know anytime I was confronted with my addiction before I was ready to get clean I was very defensive and made it sound like everybody's fault but my own. I deserved to be high for my past poor me so on... Your Husband loved you when you are married he probably loves you still.. for a active addict nothing is as scarey as removing our drugs our asking us to change for it is Not our fault.. this is our thinking while active. although I can not say if your guy will come back our not I can say when you startled out 12 years ago.. it was out of Love... lesa
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
From what you wrote about whats going on, its beyond belief what he has put you through and i personally dont believe that the kind of drugs he is doing caused him not to love you anymore. Love is long lasting and people that love someone always consider what they are doing for the love of the other person. I believe there can be one or two goofups but what you describe about him is a wholeother story.. You say he was not always like this. Can you pin point when and what happened that made him change
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Have you ever done cocaine Life ?
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
I am an ex hippie from the 60's.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
that is all well and good Have you ever been hooked to coke. have you ever let everything go for a drug ? you tell this woman her man Never loved her How is that helping her ? How do you think this made her feel ? and what gives you the right to make such a call ? the peps on the other end of these threads are real and hurting.. telling a women that has been married for 12 years.. 12 years that her husband never loved her is over the top.. I think you went to far.. we are not here to psychoanalyze a person but to help them with their drug addicted Partners.... this is it Not making a call of what was in his heart 12 years ago.....
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi Miller.  I am really sorry you are going thru this.  Living with an active addict is very very brutal.  Feeding our habit is our first love and when someone tries to come between us and our high we do whatever it takes to get you off our back.  Only your husband can change his behavior at this point.  Nothing you say or do will change it.  All you can do is take care of yourself now and your baby.  Have you thought about seeking any type of therapy or Alanon?  You have been beat down both physically and mentally and you need some help to regain your self confidence.  This is very common happening with our loved ones.  You are what is important now.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i received this email from him exactly 1 month ago.  he came and saw his son a few days later...I will only let him see the baby at the house...not outside of our home.  i did not respond to this email. i felt as though he knows what he needs to do...and he is doing nothing. he is still gone.

i feel like he is just throwing me crumbs...not taking any responsibility for anything he has done...and of course not doing any of those boundaries i mentioned.....rehab...full transparency, stop drinking, counseling. i am so depressed...

(he has always not had the best spelling...before the drug usage...fyi.)

I am in pain as you are. For the record I miss you and my family despertely.
I just dont know how to come back. I do miss ya though. I am just angry. And I need help.
I started cryin when i heatd the Bee Gees. You should be dancing. Wow. The time of my life. Dancin with my wife and Ry sleep. WOW Those times keep my love alive. But I dont know how you feel. So i lash out. When ehat I owe you is a little compassion.
At the end of the day we know how we feel about each other.
I think the courts just mean no verbal disputes. I am off to the gym. So I know you well. I dont think you will  call cops on me again.
Love is a risk.....I have seen the rewards again and again.
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
Every thing he wrote is about him. Notice all the "I's' and "me's". then is says he owes you a little (a little?) compassion and then hes off the the gym? What i see in all he wrote is you have a lot on him, the house the child the police. He dosent say he misses "our" family but "his" family. He ends saying love is a risk, that you should trust him again. And the rewards are you forgiving him before many times. I do agree with 10356 that psycoanalizing is not the answer here but him getting help, but all that he has put you through and all the jail stuff has not motivated him to seek help once and for all but he only says he knows he needs it. The power you have for him to get straight is withholding all that the 2 of you have created, as he wants these, as well as wanting his now lifestyle. He wants both. If you love him and want him to get straight then be strong and have no contact with him. When he hits rock bottom he will be motivated to get help. I think he knows in his heart that all the things he is doing is for temporary enjoyment and does know that the lasting things of enjoyment are with you and the family.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thanks for the comment....i think no contact from me is the right way to go. i mean, why contact him? he already knows what he did, what the boundaries are...he needs to make some effort on his end to get his life together. there is nothing i can do....beg him to be with me? no, i did that and look where it landed me.  i have to be strong no matter how much it hurts me everyday. i cant give in because i am weak...even though i would like to call him and beg him to come home and "put all this behind us." but i cant. now way. things would go back to how they were...and worse. plus., he could drive the knife in deeper and say..."i dont want to come back now!" i need to just stay where i am....and take care of me and the baby. i am fine financially and have a lot of support from my family, friends and therapist.  i see my therapist every week....i am seeing her today actually.

i know that contacting him means condoning the cheating, condoning the coke usage, condoning him pushing me, condoning him not taking any responsibility for everything that he has done. it is all about him right now in his mind, and i talk to him when his mind is in that selfish place. the only way i see him coming out of that is by him getting help.
Helpful - 0
1798872 tn?1346164585
10356 hit the nail on the head.Me and me only thinks rehab. right now is the only thing i would be talking about. I pray everything works out,no matter the out come things will fall in place and work out.Take care of yourself,     Danny
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Contacting him is not really condoning his behaviour. It's just the adult thing to do. You're the adult and not the sick one here...There are things that really need to be talked about. He can't just walk away!!!

I disagree with nearly everything Life360 wrote, by the way. Everyone knows how much cocaine messes up a persons head and behaviour. Your husband needs some help. He's sick. He's an addict. It's a very serious disease and it's a terminal one...

Talk with your therapist, use your head, and, of course, your heart.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
vicki....thank you for the post. i want to talk to him...but i am scared to....i am afraid that he will treat me like a doormat...or say something horrible.

Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I couldn't agree more with every single word vicki wrote above.

Don't give him a pass.  He's the father.  Call him and tell him what you need for your child....etc.  Don't let him off the hook that easy.

YOU are in control of what you allow people to do to you, if he's rude to you, or treats you like a doormat, end the communication.  I'm sure it's very tough, but I don't think you can just pretend he was never there...there are many important things that need addressed, even just logistically, as you both have a child.

If you decide you'd rather not contact him, then I think you have some tough choices to make, about filing for divorce after some time has passed and you see what he is and isn't going to do.  Right now, he has it SO easy.  Remind him what responsibilities he left behind.  Stickto your conditions no matter what, they are reasonable and necessary.

If he IS a heavy coke user, the dangers to his health are VERY real, and dire.  Not very many LONG term, heavy coke users around to talk to.
Best of luck!
Helpful - 0
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