i dont think im ever gonna be free from the junk

[hurtininnc]

hey everybody as some of you know i have been trying to taper of from 120mg of oxycodone a day for the past 3 years,well the past 3 weeks i have been stressing over a major surgery that i may have to have on my ankle to correct it from a horrific motorcycle crash well the mri today was not good were talking having to rebreak it ,pins,screws,plates and a cast for 12 weeks not to mention having to cut and repair tendons in my foot at the same time how the h... am i gonna get of this stuff that i know is killling me slowly from the inside out im a total wreak i dont know what to do anymore i feel useless i wont be able to provide for my family i feel like just going to sleep for a forever nap but i love my family to much for that i just dont know what to do anymore i feel so trapped and it looks like there is no way to escape the pain i am in is just horrific and never ending my wife has been so supportive as well as the rest of my family they just keep saying at least the wreck didnt kill you and your still with us there are more days than not i wish it would have killed me because i think sometimes this is as close to hell on earth as it gets i so much need all of the support you can all give me it seems like my whole life has been in a fog for the past3 yrs because of this junk i want out so badly i just dont know how im gonna do it i know the pain from this operation on top of the pain i already have is gonna send me into near insanity i just am so terrified im gonna lose it and do something i will regret im at the end of my rope and the noose is getting tighter i feel for everyone of you out there that has got caught up in this hell of addiction i never thought i would be where im at today 3 years ago i had it all my health a great family a very promising career and now im 1 step away from a hole in the ground at 45 yrs old i need support and prayers the operation is on thursday and im terrified please let me know some of you out there have faith that i can pull through this as i am wondering if i cani just dont know anymore good luck to all who are fighting this war take care and god bless craig

[mellie4]

Sara gave you great advice, especially about your wife doling out your pills for you.

Have you been honest with your doctor?  Have you been getting your meds from a physician?  Since you've been on narcotics a while, you'll more than likely need a different dose or a different medication post surgery.  

I've had eight (and awaiting the ninth) surgery on a joint replacement in my thumb.  I've had screws, pins, other hardware put in, you name it.  I'm not even sure what's in there at the moment.  After the last surgery, they switched me from oxycodone to Dilaudid for after the surgery.  The Dilaudid did not work at all.  Luckily, the pain clinic NP was monitoring me for pain control, and she was reachable after hours and put me back on the oxycodone at a different dose and that worked fine.  Since then, I've had to add and/or increase dosages of medications.

Take one day at a time.  Try not to worry about the surgery (easier said than done, I know.)  You're in a difficult place; I know; I was there in March.  (Even though I'm not an addict, I am dependent and I was very concerned about them controlling the pain.  But they can do that, but you need to be honest with them.

Since you're having your surgery on a Thursday, you'll probably be okay reaching your doctor on Thursday or Friday, which is comforting.  (Sometimes when you reach a covering doctor they hesitate changing dosages.  Talk to your doctor about this ahead of time.)

You're lucky you have your wife being supportive.  Good luck with everything.  I'm sure your doctor will help you taper down after the acute post-recovery period.  Wishing you a successful and easy recovery.

[laurel453]

yes, what sarah told you is the only way we can see some light at the end of a tunnel....hurtinn, i feel so much for you now, i only know that when i have felt so desperate, it's hard believing that things will get better some day, i only saw the same bad future that my black present was... no hope at all and it was like being in a cage with no way out ...and that my  state of mind made things worse...

take each day and focus on your next surgery ( sending you energy and my best wishes for the outcome !! ) try thinking that this too shall pass .... and if you could find some therapist who can help with your emotions and how you are feeling, go for it . I only know that my therapist did helped me with that state of desperation i was in and i see things different now, so yes... things can change, hurtin... please, never give up looking for what can help you !

best wishes and good luck on thursday !! :)

[gnarly_1]

great post sara

[hurtininnc]

thank you for your words of support it helps  the stress is huge but like you said i have the support of myfamily thanks for the wise words

[dominosarah]

I could feel your frustration as i read thru this. First off, take a look around at what you really do have in your life.  You have a family that loves you, you have a roof over your head and you are alive.  The situation you are in doesnt have to be permanent but you have convinced yourself that it is.  When you get home from your surgery have your wife hold your meds and give them to you as directed.  Hopefully this surgery will help ease the pain and fix the problem.  I know it is hard to do right now but try and be positive.  I hate to see someone feeling the way you do.  This is not hopeless at all.  You can get your life back and it can be even better than it was before.  I am sending you a ton of strength~~~~~~sara