Benzodiazepine addiction - insight needed badly

[sashaleenicole]

about 5 months ago I was placed on 3mgs of Klonopin a day to control very severe neuroleptic induced akathisia by a neurologist. During that time, I became quickly tolerant to the effects and ashamed to tell my neurologist since he had already increased the dose so heavily. So I went to my primary care doctor to describe the same symptoms. A clear wrong choice, but I felt cognitively foggy and above all so desperate. While I had signed releases so all my physicians could talk, he didn't ask any questions and I didn't mention the klonopin. I was desperate for help. He gave me 1mg of ativan per day with 1 refill. My neurologist, months later did find out and completely kicked me out of his clinic, not even giving me a chance to explain but yet not cancelling my refills.

So here I am, completely physically dependent on klonopin. I lost my health insurance and cant afford to pay cash to see my PCP. I went to the emergency room to be turned away and told no detox would accept me because I did not have insurance. This month I filled my refill, only to black out after taking ambien (another med I have a legitimate script for but only take sometimes) and wake up the next day to find my pills missing, my car parked in a place I don't remember and my apartment trashed. I know I did all of it, I just don't remember. Akathisia is a complete hell on earth but addiction is an entirely new hell I did not see hitting me like a ton of bricks. My life is out of control and I'd never imagined it would begin with a doctor and not a street drug. I am certainly humbled.

I will be facing withdrawal and I am scared to death, knowing I could have a seizure and die alone in my apartment. I have gone into withdrawal before and it causes me to shake uncontrollably, panic, hallucinate, and vomit. I have read this can last for up to a year or more. I am a slave to pill bottles and I'd rather go through anything but this as I see no concrete end in sight. I know this site is not for medical advice, but I thought if anyone who has been through something similar could relate their story, it might help me. I'm 21 with no family, no doctor, feeling as if I have no place to turn. Especially for something that could threaten my life but I won't know it until it I am actually in real danger. Please help.  Any kind words... similar experiences... anything.... please

[sashaleenicole]

He continued me on my same dose of 3mgs a day and told me to see a neurologist to taper me and find a better med when I get insurance. He didn't want my dyskinesia to come back because I live alone and it is hard to get to the phone when it does to call 911. He just didn't feel comfortable I guess.

[Teresa1717]

Well I shouldnt say CANT be stopped abruptly, But they SHOULDNT be stopped abruptly

[Teresa1717]

Why wont your Dr taper you off??? That doesnt make any sense to me. Benzos cant be stopped abruptly!

[sashaleenicole]

I'm not better than anyone and no one is better than me, I'm just confused as to how I could end up like this. I was addicted before I ever abused the meds. I was addicted when I took them as prescribed. Does that make me a bad person?

My dad, being my only stable parent, actually has a lot to do with my predicament.

I asked my doctor to ween, he said no. I am weening myself, even as I was advised not to do that. The only people on here who seem to be acting "better than" are those who are clean. I say I am trying to get clean, I detail out my plan in the comments, and yet still am told I'm doing things wrong. How many times can I say I am responsible? this is at least my third.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm terribly sorry you took offense to my post.  I was giving you my honest take based on the info you provided.  I did not in any way berate you.  All of the additional details, of abusive doctors asking you on dates, and you being "forced" against your will to take the meds came later.  If the situation was that bad, and you are a helpless victim, that info would have been helpful upfront.  Your initial posts described abuse of a controlled substance, with a resulting dismissal of you by your doctor.  I gave the most obvious and appropriate advice, based on what you shared.


I have nothing but the utmost respect for our military and am sorry you lost your father.  I certainly don't appreciate you somehow throwing that in my face because you didn't like what I had to say.  That has absolutely NOTHING to do with the situation at hand and your comments were uncalled for.

You're in an unfortunate situation....I'm very familiar with the conditions for which you were prescribed these meds.  I'm sorry you suffer with them.  I hope you take the opportunity that your PCP has given you to taper until you get your insurance.  You can then get help from there.

I also hope you can take a good hard look at your situation, and realize your directing a lot of displaced anger torward people who were only trying to help you.  Sometimes, the advice isn;'t always something a person wants to hear.  We're honest with people...and we onny have the info to go on that is provided.

Good luck to you.

[Teresa1717]

I dont think she was meaning to in anyway point her finger at you. Do you think its possible that you are just sensitve because maybe she hit a nerve? Im not being mean or tryng to upset you but think about that question ok?

As far as getting off Benzos it has to be done on a slow taper. You cant do it just laying in bed to wait for the w/d's to end. When you talked to your pcp how honest were you with him? He should help wean you off this medicine if thats what you really want to do. How much do you have left? I know you said you have called rehab centers but did you explain to all of them your situation and that you are going to be forced to come off benzos? They may be able to get you in if you tell them that since it can be dangerous.