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Benzodiazepine addiction - insight needed badly
about 5 months ago I was placed on 3mgs of Klonopin a day to control very severe neuroleptic induced akathisia by a neurologist. During that time, I became quickly tolerant to the effects and ashamed to tell my neurologist since he had already increased the dose so heavily. So I went to my primary care doctor to describe the same symptoms. A clear wrong choice, but I felt cognitively foggy and above all so desperate. While I had signed releases so all my physicians could talk, he didn't ask any questions and I didn't mention the klonopin. I was desperate for help. He gave me 1mg of ativan per day with 1 refill. My neurologist, months later did find out and completely kicked me out of his clinic, not even giving me a chance to explain but yet not cancelling my refills.
So here I am, completely physically dependent on klonopin. I lost my health insurance and cant afford to pay cash to see my PCP. I went to the emergency room to be turned away and told no detox would accept me because I did not have insurance. This month I filled my refill, only to black out after taking ambien (another med I have a legitimate script for but only take sometimes) and wake up the next day to find my pills missing, my car parked in a place I don't remember and my apartment trashed. I know I did all of it, I just don't remember. Akathisia is a complete hell on earth but addiction is an entirely new hell I did not see hitting me like a ton of bricks. My life is out of control and I'd never imagined it would begin with a doctor and not a street drug. I am certainly humbled.
I will be facing withdrawal and I am scared to death, knowing I could have a seizure and die alone in my apartment. I have gone into withdrawal before and it causes me to shake uncontrollably, panic, hallucinate, and vomit. I have read this can last for up to a year or more. I am a slave to pill bottles and I'd rather go through anything but this as I see no concrete end in sight. I know this site is not for medical advice, but I thought if anyone who has been through something similar could relate their story, it might help me. I'm 21 with no family, no doctor, feeling as if I have no place to turn. Especially for something that could threaten my life but I won't know it until it I am actually in real danger. Please help. Any kind words... similar experiences... anything.... please
So here I am, completely physically dependent on klonopin. I lost my health insurance and cant afford to pay cash to see my PCP. I went to the emergency room to be turned away and told no detox would accept me because I did not have insurance. This month I filled my refill, only to black out after taking ambien (another med I have a legitimate script for but only take sometimes) and wake up the next day to find my pills missing, my car parked in a place I don't remember and my apartment trashed. I know I did all of it, I just don't remember. Akathisia is a complete hell on earth but addiction is an entirely new hell I did not see hitting me like a ton of bricks. My life is out of control and I'd never imagined it would begin with a doctor and not a street drug. I am certainly humbled.
I will be facing withdrawal and I am scared to death, knowing I could have a seizure and die alone in my apartment. I have gone into withdrawal before and it causes me to shake uncontrollably, panic, hallucinate, and vomit. I have read this can last for up to a year or more. I am a slave to pill bottles and I'd rather go through anything but this as I see no concrete end in sight. I know this site is not for medical advice, but I thought if anyone who has been through something similar could relate their story, it might help me. I'm 21 with no family, no doctor, feeling as if I have no place to turn. Especially for something that could threaten my life but I won't know it until it I am actually in real danger. Please help. Any kind words... similar experiences... anything.... please
Best Answer
Is your Dr potentially refilling only to help you out until you see him? Otherwise all he is doing is setting you up to relapse and go through withdraws again! That scares me. Yes, the Dr. prescribed them. Yes, we took the meds. Yes we self medicated and took more than we should have. Yes, we lost control over our usage. However, keeping it a secret is what is/ was keeping us sick. You MUST share with your Dr or the ER what is going on with you so they can properly supervise your tapering.
Wow, Your angry at someone who is clearly trying to help. I think you need to relax a bit and try to figure out who the anger needs to realy be directed to. You abused the meds which made you get kicked out from another Dr's office and also made your run out of them. How is that anyone elses fault? you say its the Dr's fault for prescribing them to you but did you research the medication at all before you just blindly took it? I get that your angry, I get that being addicted to something and having Dr's cut you off is a horrible feeling, But at the end of the day Noone forced you to take them and noone forced you to abuse them.
And while I appreciate that Father is a veteran who gave his life for our country, I think throwing that at someone like that is unfair and uncalled for IMO. She wasnt berating you at any level!
And while I appreciate that Father is a veteran who gave his life for our country, I think throwing that at someone like that is unfair and uncalled for IMO. She wasnt berating you at any level!
hit enter before I was finished. He was clearly out of line on multiple fronts, I am not at 100% fault and yet I have taken responsibility. Show some respect to the daughter of a man who died to protect your right to berate me without the full story.
Hey NurseGirl,
The scripts I have are 1. an old refill from my old neurologist who kicked me out 2. 6 pills from the ER and 3. the rest from my PCP. All for clonazepam and all of which are completely gone except for the refill I am waiting on. Again, my responsibility even though ambien has been clearly proved to cause people to do things they normally would not. And the ambien, I did not abuse. I take these meds for tardive dyskinesia and akathisia, meaning I have painful, uncomfortable, and embarrassing involuntary movements which have only seemed to respond to clonazepam, as no specialist I have seen (4) was just willing to put me on high doses of a controlled med without exhausting EVERY other option. And they each referred me to the next specialist I saw, all of who confirmed the same diagnoses. So in that respect, I did not go in and demand klonopin, I DID THE MEDICALLY RIGHT THING by making sure no other med would help before I was put on a controlled substance. Then I had no insurance and therefore absolutely no way of discussing with any doctor my tolerance.
I am sorry but anybody in the world would have w/d symptoms given my same situation and despite what you think, they are dangerous to go off of. No one deserves a seizure because they abused a med. I am to blame for one single month of abuse, I could have made a different choice. But directly after, I did try to go to detox even when I had refills, even when I could have kept abusing. I set up a nursing service voluntarily to give my meds daily the second I get my insurance back in 2 weeks. Plus I set up to continue seeing my therapist and a psychiatrist. I am also on a waiting list to see a movement disorder neurologist. Sorry the poor and disabled (I receive SSDI) cannot just pay cash for everything.
It is simply is not my fault that no detox would accept me or that the two free ones in my state had no free care beds. I called daily for weeks. I even tried to kill myself, knowing they would HAVE to admit me to a psych unit and the psychiatrist there agreed with my diagnoses and dosage of klonopin and discharged me on it, citing that I needed to be seen by the best neurologist in the biggest city I live close to in order to control my suffering. I told him, AGAIN, I needed to ween off and he said he was not the doctor who could help me with that. I go to NA and Al-anon. I am doing ALL that is within my power to help myself.
The doctors still need to take responsibility for over prescribing and for not communicating when all 2 of them told me they were sending notes back and forth. Specifically, the neurologist was irresponsible for putting me on such a dangerous med and giving me no where to turn after he turned me out yet and not cancelling any of my 6 refills (the maximum allowed by law), calling me cute, and asking me on dates. DOCTORS ARE SOMETIMES RESPONSIBLE. If he didn't want to lose his license, why did he prescribe the clonazepam AND a barbiturate with UNLIMINTED refills. That is irresponsible. I have spoken with a lawyer and he was cleary out
The scripts I have are 1. an old refill from my old neurologist who kicked me out 2. 6 pills from the ER and 3. the rest from my PCP. All for clonazepam and all of which are completely gone except for the refill I am waiting on. Again, my responsibility even though ambien has been clearly proved to cause people to do things they normally would not. And the ambien, I did not abuse. I take these meds for tardive dyskinesia and akathisia, meaning I have painful, uncomfortable, and embarrassing involuntary movements which have only seemed to respond to clonazepam, as no specialist I have seen (4) was just willing to put me on high doses of a controlled med without exhausting EVERY other option. And they each referred me to the next specialist I saw, all of who confirmed the same diagnoses. So in that respect, I did not go in and demand klonopin, I DID THE MEDICALLY RIGHT THING by making sure no other med would help before I was put on a controlled substance. Then I had no insurance and therefore absolutely no way of discussing with any doctor my tolerance.
I am sorry but anybody in the world would have w/d symptoms given my same situation and despite what you think, they are dangerous to go off of. No one deserves a seizure because they abused a med. I am to blame for one single month of abuse, I could have made a different choice. But directly after, I did try to go to detox even when I had refills, even when I could have kept abusing. I set up a nursing service voluntarily to give my meds daily the second I get my insurance back in 2 weeks. Plus I set up to continue seeing my therapist and a psychiatrist. I am also on a waiting list to see a movement disorder neurologist. Sorry the poor and disabled (I receive SSDI) cannot just pay cash for everything.
It is simply is not my fault that no detox would accept me or that the two free ones in my state had no free care beds. I called daily for weeks. I even tried to kill myself, knowing they would HAVE to admit me to a psych unit and the psychiatrist there agreed with my diagnoses and dosage of klonopin and discharged me on it, citing that I needed to be seen by the best neurologist in the biggest city I live close to in order to control my suffering. I told him, AGAIN, I needed to ween off and he said he was not the doctor who could help me with that. I go to NA and Al-anon. I am doing ALL that is within my power to help myself.
The doctors still need to take responsibility for over prescribing and for not communicating when all 2 of them told me they were sending notes back and forth. Specifically, the neurologist was irresponsible for putting me on such a dangerous med and giving me no where to turn after he turned me out yet and not cancelling any of my 6 refills (the maximum allowed by law), calling me cute, and asking me on dates. DOCTORS ARE SOMETIMES RESPONSIBLE. If he didn't want to lose his license, why did he prescribe the clonazepam AND a barbiturate with UNLIMINTED refills. That is irresponsible. I have spoken with a lawyer and he was cleary out
I too am a bit confused. What are all the scripts you have, what are they for, and where did you get them? Yes, you need to be careful you're not red flagged. If your PCP gave you enough to taper for a month, you should only need to fill that script right? That's what I would recommend..i wouldn't even fill the others.
How much were you ACTUALLY taking of both meds, and when did you take your last one?
I know you're scared and upset, but hon, you need to be a little more accountable. Yes, it's an unfortunate situation, but YOU abused the prescription, and chose to not be honest about the Ativan. The doctor had every right to cut you off. Yes, you are aware of the dangers of w/d...but typically, once a doc finds out you've been abusing meds...and doctor shopping (which is basically what you did)...they're not willing to risk their license. You can't fault them for that.
"It is just not fair to me and I am angry. I was put on these meds by a doctor! any person would become physically dependent after 6 months of 3mgs of klonopin a day. It is not as though I took to the streets seeking relief, I suffered through months of ineffective meds and tried to do the medically right thing. "
It doesn't matter that you didn't get your meds from a dealer on a street corner...you abused them and you doctor shopped (by not telling the other doc about the new benzo you had been Rx'd). You didn't medically do the "right thing". The right thing would have been to discuss the tolerance with your doctor...not up the dose yourself. I just honestly think you're doing yourself a disservice by pointing your finger everywhere but at yourself. You need to take responsibility and ownership...you and only you caused this situation.
You're VERY lucky your PCP is willing to help you by Rx'ing you what he did. PLEASE do not abuse that script...or you will be out of options. While you're waiting for your insurance, start making calls to find some help for yourself...both to properly detox off the benzos, and to start putting a recovery plan in place.
How much were you ACTUALLY taking of both meds, and when did you take your last one?
I know you're scared and upset, but hon, you need to be a little more accountable. Yes, it's an unfortunate situation, but YOU abused the prescription, and chose to not be honest about the Ativan. The doctor had every right to cut you off. Yes, you are aware of the dangers of w/d...but typically, once a doc finds out you've been abusing meds...and doctor shopping (which is basically what you did)...they're not willing to risk their license. You can't fault them for that.
"It is just not fair to me and I am angry. I was put on these meds by a doctor! any person would become physically dependent after 6 months of 3mgs of klonopin a day. It is not as though I took to the streets seeking relief, I suffered through months of ineffective meds and tried to do the medically right thing. "
It doesn't matter that you didn't get your meds from a dealer on a street corner...you abused them and you doctor shopped (by not telling the other doc about the new benzo you had been Rx'd). You didn't medically do the "right thing". The right thing would have been to discuss the tolerance with your doctor...not up the dose yourself. I just honestly think you're doing yourself a disservice by pointing your finger everywhere but at yourself. You need to take responsibility and ownership...you and only you caused this situation.
You're VERY lucky your PCP is willing to help you by Rx'ing you what he did. PLEASE do not abuse that script...or you will be out of options. While you're waiting for your insurance, start making calls to find some help for yourself...both to properly detox off the benzos, and to start putting a recovery plan in place.
Hi honey! I'm sorry. It seems like you're trying to do the right thing, and they just won't take you for medical detox, the professional kind, which is what you need. REALLY need!
If you go to the same pharmacy or even a different one and use your insurance, you will almost definitely be told no by the pharmacist. The same pharmacy that you just went to will obviously have a record, but if you go to a different one and use your insurance, it will be tracked that way too. It won't be good to do it either one of those ways.
Are you completely out of your klonopin now? I am just a little confused on it. Or, did you get another script today and yesterday? Just trying to stay straight?
It's very good that you were honest!
If you go to the same pharmacy or even a different one and use your insurance, you will almost definitely be told no by the pharmacist. The same pharmacy that you just went to will obviously have a record, but if you go to a different one and use your insurance, it will be tracked that way too. It won't be good to do it either one of those ways.
Are you completely out of your klonopin now? I am just a little confused on it. Or, did you get another script today and yesterday? Just trying to stay straight?
It's very good that you were honest!
Please give feedback to this comment if you have the time and energy and strength:
I went to the ER and got a short term script to get me through until I could borrow enough money to see my primary care doctor today.
For the first time in my life I told a doctor the truth (I'm 21), that I had no medication left because I had abused it and did not try to give any excuses. I felt a great weight lift off me, even knowing he may send me straight to detox or deny help. He was very upset and worried but gave me another month's worth of klonopin in the hopes that it would get me through until my insurance kicked in and I could seek further longer term help, since tapering without suffering takes a long time, much longer than I would want to spend inpatient.
Now I am afraid, having filled a regular script, a small ER script, and going to fill this new one tomorrow, all in the same month that I will be red flagged. Once when my meds were stolen, even though the doctor was willing to authorize an early refill, the pharmacy said NO WAY. At that point, the doctor could do nothing. It was up to the pharmacist who did not want to risk his license for some worthless junkie. I am hoping that since my prescription will be from the same doctor, for the same dose, at the same pharmacy, and on time, that I will not have any issues. I'm so afraid they will tell me to "go fend for yourself you dirty drug seeking addict.". At which point it is back to the ER. If I was addicted to something that would not cause me to seizure or become suicidal, I would just rough it out but I know benzos are not like that. you absolutely NEED a doctors help.
It is just not fair to me and I am angry. I was put on these meds by a doctor! any person would become physically dependent after 6 months of 3mgs of klonopin a day. It is not as though I took to the streets seeking relief, I suffered through months of ineffective meds and tried to do the medically right thing. yet I see opiate addicts being put on suboxone left and right because somehow there is this realization they cant do it alone or cold turkey. I see criminals guilty of robbery and rape addicted to heroin being treated with more seriousness than I am. When the reality is, I could DIE from stopping these meds abruptly. Heroin withdrawal does not last as long (physical it does not last for years like benzo w/d can) and much less rarely KILLS you. I am ranting and most likely ignorant but sometimes I feel as if I should fake opiate addiction just to get real help (my logical brain tells me that is a horrible idea) and not another prescription for the same poison that has ruined my life.
Before narcotics, I was so close to finishing my degree in social work. I was a volunteer, a figure skater, employed and in a healthy relationship. Now I hardly feel like washing my hair. I want that girl back more than anything. I am ranting and sounding ignorant but I just needed to get it off my chest.
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, my mother (father killed in the war) who hasn't been sober 5 minutes and lost custody of me at 11, thinks she can give me all this wisdom about sobriety when she has wet brain and hardly remembers how old I am.
I pace the floors 24/7. It is all I can do. Akathisia makes it impossible to sit still. and I pray all the time. Let me know if you would like me to pray for you.
Thanks everyone. I can't choose a best answer, you have all been so helpful in getting motivated to go to a doctor and be honest instead of my drug seeking behavior. Thank you.
-Sasha
I went to the ER and got a short term script to get me through until I could borrow enough money to see my primary care doctor today.
For the first time in my life I told a doctor the truth (I'm 21), that I had no medication left because I had abused it and did not try to give any excuses. I felt a great weight lift off me, even knowing he may send me straight to detox or deny help. He was very upset and worried but gave me another month's worth of klonopin in the hopes that it would get me through until my insurance kicked in and I could seek further longer term help, since tapering without suffering takes a long time, much longer than I would want to spend inpatient.
Now I am afraid, having filled a regular script, a small ER script, and going to fill this new one tomorrow, all in the same month that I will be red flagged. Once when my meds were stolen, even though the doctor was willing to authorize an early refill, the pharmacy said NO WAY. At that point, the doctor could do nothing. It was up to the pharmacist who did not want to risk his license for some worthless junkie. I am hoping that since my prescription will be from the same doctor, for the same dose, at the same pharmacy, and on time, that I will not have any issues. I'm so afraid they will tell me to "go fend for yourself you dirty drug seeking addict.". At which point it is back to the ER. If I was addicted to something that would not cause me to seizure or become suicidal, I would just rough it out but I know benzos are not like that. you absolutely NEED a doctors help.
It is just not fair to me and I am angry. I was put on these meds by a doctor! any person would become physically dependent after 6 months of 3mgs of klonopin a day. It is not as though I took to the streets seeking relief, I suffered through months of ineffective meds and tried to do the medically right thing. yet I see opiate addicts being put on suboxone left and right because somehow there is this realization they cant do it alone or cold turkey. I see criminals guilty of robbery and rape addicted to heroin being treated with more seriousness than I am. When the reality is, I could DIE from stopping these meds abruptly. Heroin withdrawal does not last as long (physical it does not last for years like benzo w/d can) and much less rarely KILLS you. I am ranting and most likely ignorant but sometimes I feel as if I should fake opiate addiction just to get real help (my logical brain tells me that is a horrible idea) and not another prescription for the same poison that has ruined my life.
Before narcotics, I was so close to finishing my degree in social work. I was a volunteer, a figure skater, employed and in a healthy relationship. Now I hardly feel like washing my hair. I want that girl back more than anything. I am ranting and sounding ignorant but I just needed to get it off my chest.
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, my mother (father killed in the war) who hasn't been sober 5 minutes and lost custody of me at 11, thinks she can give me all this wisdom about sobriety when she has wet brain and hardly remembers how old I am.
I pace the floors 24/7. It is all I can do. Akathisia makes it impossible to sit still. and I pray all the time. Let me know if you would like me to pray for you.
Thanks everyone. I can't choose a best answer, you have all been so helpful in getting motivated to go to a doctor and be honest instead of my drug seeking behavior. Thank you.
-Sasha
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