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Benzodiazepine addiction - insight needed badly
about 5 months ago I was placed on 3mgs of Klonopin a day to control very severe neuroleptic induced akathisia by a neurologist. During that time, I became quickly tolerant to the effects and ashamed to tell my neurologist since he had already increased the dose so heavily. So I went to my primary care doctor to describe the same symptoms. A clear wrong choice, but I felt cognitively foggy and above all so desperate. While I had signed releases so all my physicians could talk, he didn't ask any questions and I didn't mention the klonopin. I was desperate for help. He gave me 1mg of ativan per day with 1 refill. My neurologist, months later did find out and completely kicked me out of his clinic, not even giving me a chance to explain but yet not cancelling my refills.
So here I am, completely physically dependent on klonopin. I lost my health insurance and cant afford to pay cash to see my PCP. I went to the emergency room to be turned away and told no detox would accept me because I did not have insurance. This month I filled my refill, only to black out after taking ambien (another med I have a legitimate script for but only take sometimes) and wake up the next day to find my pills missing, my car parked in a place I don't remember and my apartment trashed. I know I did all of it, I just don't remember. Akathisia is a complete hell on earth but addiction is an entirely new hell I did not see hitting me like a ton of bricks. My life is out of control and I'd never imagined it would begin with a doctor and not a street drug. I am certainly humbled.
I will be facing withdrawal and I am scared to death, knowing I could have a seizure and die alone in my apartment. I have gone into withdrawal before and it causes me to shake uncontrollably, panic, hallucinate, and vomit. I have read this can last for up to a year or more. I am a slave to pill bottles and I'd rather go through anything but this as I see no concrete end in sight. I know this site is not for medical advice, but I thought if anyone who has been through something similar could relate their story, it might help me. I'm 21 with no family, no doctor, feeling as if I have no place to turn. Especially for something that could threaten my life but I won't know it until it I am actually in real danger. Please help. Any kind words... similar experiences... anything.... please
So here I am, completely physically dependent on klonopin. I lost my health insurance and cant afford to pay cash to see my PCP. I went to the emergency room to be turned away and told no detox would accept me because I did not have insurance. This month I filled my refill, only to black out after taking ambien (another med I have a legitimate script for but only take sometimes) and wake up the next day to find my pills missing, my car parked in a place I don't remember and my apartment trashed. I know I did all of it, I just don't remember. Akathisia is a complete hell on earth but addiction is an entirely new hell I did not see hitting me like a ton of bricks. My life is out of control and I'd never imagined it would begin with a doctor and not a street drug. I am certainly humbled.
I will be facing withdrawal and I am scared to death, knowing I could have a seizure and die alone in my apartment. I have gone into withdrawal before and it causes me to shake uncontrollably, panic, hallucinate, and vomit. I have read this can last for up to a year or more. I am a slave to pill bottles and I'd rather go through anything but this as I see no concrete end in sight. I know this site is not for medical advice, but I thought if anyone who has been through something similar could relate their story, it might help me. I'm 21 with no family, no doctor, feeling as if I have no place to turn. Especially for something that could threaten my life but I won't know it until it I am actually in real danger. Please help. Any kind words... similar experiences... anything.... please
Best Answer
Is your Dr potentially refilling only to help you out until you see him? Otherwise all he is doing is setting you up to relapse and go through withdraws again! That scares me. Yes, the Dr. prescribed them. Yes, we took the meds. Yes we self medicated and took more than we should have. Yes, we lost control over our usage. However, keeping it a secret is what is/ was keeping us sick. You MUST share with your Dr or the ER what is going on with you so they can properly supervise your tapering.
the only one I am blaming is a single doctor who I can legally prove was wrong, and myself.
I was taught to trust doctors and look up to them as knowing what is best for me when I am sick. I posted because I wanted someone to tell me it was safe to just lay in bed and wait for the withdrawals to be over and for someone to tell their story about how long it took for them. I posted in hopes of hearing from someone who was able to come out the other side by their own will. and what I was told was the exact opposite; that I needed medical help.
These meds help but they are also addictive, controlling my life, and will stop working, thats why I want to get off. I have no family supports and all my friends are addicts like I am so I was just looking for kindness which I got from everyone until that nurse started pointing her finger. Now I am in crisis even with meds, crying, panicing, cant sleep, and feeling like a piece of **** for getting addicted to a medicine.
I was taught to trust doctors and look up to them as knowing what is best for me when I am sick. I posted because I wanted someone to tell me it was safe to just lay in bed and wait for the withdrawals to be over and for someone to tell their story about how long it took for them. I posted in hopes of hearing from someone who was able to come out the other side by their own will. and what I was told was the exact opposite; that I needed medical help.
These meds help but they are also addictive, controlling my life, and will stop working, thats why I want to get off. I have no family supports and all my friends are addicts like I am so I was just looking for kindness which I got from everyone until that nurse started pointing her finger. Now I am in crisis even with meds, crying, panicing, cant sleep, and feeling like a piece of **** for getting addicted to a medicine.
So you were upfront with your doctor. He was upset and worried but yet gave you a script? So what is your plan now? Doesn't he expect you to wean down now that you have a new script and you ran out from abusing the meds? Do you have a current question? A current goal? A new plan now that you have some pills?
Do you think just because you have a legitimate health issue and got addicted makes you any different than a huge majority on this forum?
I hear lots of bitterness, anger and blamegame going on. It's unfortunate your mother is an alcoholic. Her brain may be "wet" as you say, but her gesture to discuss addiction with you only stems from her own personal misery and not wanting to see you in her shoes. It's also tragic that you lost your dad in the war. But what your Dad has done in this life doesn't have anything to do with your current predicament. And whether you have a valid medical issue or not........you are still addicted and have to look that issue straight in the eye. Others don't have to treat you a certain way because your father served and died for our country. There's this saying "You have to do your own growin up no matter how tall your grandpa was." You sound alone, hurting, grieving, angry and don't have either parent you can turn to. That makes you feel helpless and scared but how bout directing those feelings towards a long term solution for yourself.
With a clean head, off drugs, you will be better able to decide where you want to go from here.
I also hear a lot of "you're better than" because you originally were prescribed benzos for your neurological issues. Opiate addicts, benzo addicts, heroin, street vs. a pharmacy......in the end.......you're still a drug addict. Hope you can see your way clear to wean properly and get more help than just another refill. Your future will depend on it.
Do you think just because you have a legitimate health issue and got addicted makes you any different than a huge majority on this forum?
I hear lots of bitterness, anger and blamegame going on. It's unfortunate your mother is an alcoholic. Her brain may be "wet" as you say, but her gesture to discuss addiction with you only stems from her own personal misery and not wanting to see you in her shoes. It's also tragic that you lost your dad in the war. But what your Dad has done in this life doesn't have anything to do with your current predicament. And whether you have a valid medical issue or not........you are still addicted and have to look that issue straight in the eye. Others don't have to treat you a certain way because your father served and died for our country. There's this saying "You have to do your own growin up no matter how tall your grandpa was." You sound alone, hurting, grieving, angry and don't have either parent you can turn to. That makes you feel helpless and scared but how bout directing those feelings towards a long term solution for yourself.
With a clean head, off drugs, you will be better able to decide where you want to go from here.
I also hear a lot of "you're better than" because you originally were prescribed benzos for your neurological issues. Opiate addicts, benzo addicts, heroin, street vs. a pharmacy......in the end.......you're still a drug addict. Hope you can see your way clear to wean properly and get more help than just another refill. Your future will depend on it.
Thats what your not understanding. You say people are pointing fingers at you and passing judgement but your 100% wrong in that! I dont believe one person here is doing that. we are all addicts here and most of us have done the same things you are. I blamed EVERYONE for my addiction! It was everyone elses fault but my own and now I know that to not be true. I had control over my own actions and I didnt want to look at myself. It took me a very long time to get to that point. So you see when we are just telling you how we see it, Its because most of us have lived that before.
Noone is blaming you for being sick! But only that you need to take accountability and stop blaming everyone else. You came on here saying that you are being forced to come off the meds because your Dr's are cutting you off but It was your actions that did it. So What is it exactly that you want advice on? How to taper? how to get clean from these meds? I guess Im just not understanding, Im sorry.
I find it incredibly ironic that people are telling me to not point fingers as they wrongfully point the finger at me. If you are perfect, feel free to pass judgment and blame me. Until you become perfect, stop hurting my feelings. I have been through enough.
I was only kicked out by one doctor and other doctors I have been to since have said they really don't hold him in high regard. He acted inappropriately. I did research the medication and was suffering in excrutiating pain. AGAIN, this was for a neurological movement disorder, not anxiety. I have in no way been cut off. I have received nothing but helpfulness and sympathy from every doctor besides my original neurologist. It is only a matter of beds available and insurance for detox.
No one forced me to take them and I did do research, I knew the risks of taking them long term. HOWEVER, when several specialists told me this was my best bet at feeling better, I decided to take them. I was never told I would be on them this long term. In fact, I was admitted to a hospital against my will last month and at that point I actually was legally forced to take the medication. If you read my posts, they show you I have been and continue to try and get help. Nobody seems to understand my condition anyway. Trust me, if it was anxiety, I'd just hit the gym more. I have a movement disorder. They are extremely difficult to treat with a poor prognosis. Imagine being young and forced to live with this the rest of your life? I chose relief when a doctor I trusted at the time told me it was the best option and it did help. It still helps, but now I am addicted and IF
you read my posts you will see I am doing all I can to get off these medications. It takes immense courage considering I could stay on them as long as I choose and I am facing the hell of my underlying condition when I finally do complete detox. I am responsible for taking medication wrong, but doctors need to share blame and that is my opinion I am entitled to. I dont know how many times I have to hold myself accountable before people stop blaming me for being sick.
No one forced me to take them and I did do research, I knew the risks of taking them long term. HOWEVER, when several specialists told me this was my best bet at feeling better, I decided to take them. I was never told I would be on them this long term. In fact, I was admitted to a hospital against my will last month and at that point I actually was legally forced to take the medication. If you read my posts, they show you I have been and continue to try and get help. Nobody seems to understand my condition anyway. Trust me, if it was anxiety, I'd just hit the gym more. I have a movement disorder. They are extremely difficult to treat with a poor prognosis. Imagine being young and forced to live with this the rest of your life? I chose relief when a doctor I trusted at the time told me it was the best option and it did help. It still helps, but now I am addicted and IF
you read my posts you will see I am doing all I can to get off these medications. It takes immense courage considering I could stay on them as long as I choose and I am facing the hell of my underlying condition when I finally do complete detox. I am responsible for taking medication wrong, but doctors need to share blame and that is my opinion I am entitled to. I dont know how many times I have to hold myself accountable before people stop blaming me for being sick.
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