23 days, I want to stop counting

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

23 days. I feel great. I want to stop counting the days tho. For me it's a reminder of the past. Numb was my past, not my future. Just thinking out loud. I've done the hard part of this, in my mind anyway. There's no way I'm going back, I didn't do this to fail. Of course it will always be the big elephant in the room, it has to be, but I don't want to a slave to it. Maybe I have to be, maybe I'm a bit jaded because becoming addicted was an accident. Back surgery=pain pills + 4 years=physical/mental addiction. I have an addiction, but it doesn't have me. I think I'm shooting mumbo jumbo out of my face right now but in a weird way it makes sense to me. Has anyone ever felt this way? I completely trust myself. That was my mantra from the very first day I woke up without taking a pill and began this journey. I felt trapped on pills, the anxiety almost killed me. Odd thing is, no more pills, no more anxiety, no more stress. No more being a slave to it. It was the one thing in my life that I didn't have control over and I hated it. That control is back, which means I'm content. Content to be free, content to be me. I hope everyone fighting this battle wins. It's a hard thing to do. I'll always be in the fight, but sometimes you have to step out of the ring. 23 days of clarity.

[Amandag78]

Nice to see a conversation between friends like this one. Your all doing so well : )

[Amandag78]

Congratulations on 23 days, you deserve it!!!

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

Addiction does run in my family, alcohol mostly, my mother and her parents. I think that is part if why I strayed from the rec use.

[VICourageous]

Ya!! That is the thing..I have used off and on since I was 14. I thought it was just for the party or every one was trying it..Drinking off & on too. I could get so tired of a drug or drinking and walk away. When I had very bad pain in the 90s that was it..I got hooked on the hydo/oxys and tried to walk away..I just went up the latter to the Methadone..Tried to get off for about 10years..People would ask me if I was still tapering in that 10 years..What a long taper (that is a joke because I could not taper)..ha! Got down to 30mg on the Dones and found a way to stretch them out by adding Adderral..The combo would get me so wired up. Work, work and work..Compulsive Behavior. Most of my drugs I liked would get me going..Did not care for the downer ones or the acid trips and such. SO yes I do think it is what we want the drug to do for us. I am so glad to be working in Recovery..A little late by age but at least I should add more Life.

I am so Happy to hear that YOU did not use drugs for recreational purpose..It is SAD when people are in pain and really need them only to get so hooked. I like to study the Map of the Brain and what these Substances do..Also if this disease is handed down. I think YOU will make it all the way..Proud of You.
Bless
Vickie

[weaver71]

Unfortunately drugs won't settle for an open relationship. They want all of you, not just the stuff you want to give up. Oh well, we'll just have to try something else to deal with this pain in my body and heart.

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

It absolutely makes sense. Are you trying to kill pain or emotions and hurt. For me it was back pain. Surgery brought me here. I've dealt with much in my life and never turned to drugs prior to my injury. I got stuck in a sick cycle. It's up to you to trust yourself to know the next move.

[VICourageous]

GOOD ONE JEWEL..Your last reply is very true.
I sometimes think it is not the Drug..BUT what WE are looking for the Drug to Do..Does that make sense to you??

[weaver71]

Now I'm gonna have to pull out my Luchadora stretchy pants and my cape.

[spider6]

Awesome guys......haha, even though we are all made from the same cloth, we're lucky enough to be able to create our own patterns from said cloth.  If you feel funky and it fits........wear it........proud.  Love yas xo

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

It's definitely the individual. How we feel we need to do it is how we are going to do it. I'm feeling like I'm doing this my way, and that sits well with me. I'm not having cravings, I don't want to have cravings. What's done is done. Everyone's different, every drug is different, everyone's recovery will be different. Not everyone started doing drugs for the same reasons right? It's the same for deciding to jump ship. You're either going to sink or swim. I'm going to swim. Fact!

[Real180]

I think we are the same page (me, yourself and spider)... it's absolutely about the individual and what's working!!! This forum is about sharing thoughts and ideas so we can take bits and pieces to help aid us in our recovery... As quickly as I will take a GREAT IDEA from a person is as quickly as I will give an idea or opinion that I think will HELP....

[weaver71]

There are as many ways to recover as there are people. I think I stopes counting days at 90. Some I know count each day for years, there is no wrong way. I was putting expectations on my clean time, how good I should feel by then, it wasn't helping considering I was so sick for 10 months. Do what it takes that's what it takes.

I was only offended a couple times on this forum, mostly when people's offensive comments get erased. I was irritated we didn't has a chance to work it out. I had some darn good advice erased too, but I'm sure glad they are having to make the hard decisions. Thanks moderators

[spider6]

Great posts Real, I tend to think  along the same lines.

[Real180]

Well said Weaver -- I agree.. The balance your talking about  is key and very doable for ALL of us... Counting days is by no means keeping me sober it's just a level of accountability -- another tool for me that helps keep me clean.. I may to lose track of my days as time goes on but that will only be because I just lose count a matter of fact that's exactly why I have a tracker...lol.. I think if your not counting days because you kind of want this to be "water under the bridge" than you MAYBE starting to get on dangerous ground... Someone like you closing in on 2 yrs and not counting your everyday is different than someone not counting at under 30 days.. Again, this is just my opinion and I am not trying to offend anyone especially if what they are currently doing is working...

[weaver71]

I counted minutes at one time, then hours, days felt like a land mark. When I counted months it felt better, a year, then 18 months. I'll likely mentions my coming 2 years. I think we all count in some way or another, at least keep track. I can give you the date if you woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me, there are images from that time that are a permanent part of me. The real art form is balance. Remembering the past, dreaming of the future, and dangling in that very moment right between them.

[Real180]

I get what everyone is saying as well... I happen to count my days because I take it day by day and find it therapeutic to acknowledge each day I am able to stay clean.. it's not a matter of revisiting the past it's only a daily starting point that reminds me that today I am at 61 days and if I pick up the 61 days invested are GONE, period! My addiction isn't a relationship it's part of me and most likely will always be with me -- I get the relationship anologies but it's more than that to me... I wish I could just break up with it but unfortunately it's an enemy from within that at some level I face each and every day... It doesn't consume me anymore but it can at a moments notice and it starts by me rationalizing it as something less than what it really is... That's how I view it and fight it.. With that said, there is no one way to do this so whether you count days or don't the important thing is you do not PICKUP so whatever you do to prevent that is the BEST PLAN IN THE WORLD!!!! All the best!

[weaver71]

I was never taught what self-soothing is defined as, but I figure the term speaks for itself. Feeling good about myself, whether I feel good or not, that is why I started this journey to begin with.

[spider6]

I get what you guys are saying about counting the days and while it's not something that you find beneficial in the least, it's something that I do differently this time.........compared to the other 99 times I've tried and failed at this "conquering the beast within" thing.  Although I have forgotten on occasion the exact number I'm at.........retrieving and acknowledging that visual number keeps me grounded and helps to remind me of the time I've wasted......all the years of drug abuse plus all the years of failed drug abstinence.  I don't feel I waste any substantial time noticing or acknowledging, even on a daily basis.......it's such a little thing, but it can pack a whollup of a push.  Peace out at 201.  Cheesy, greasy grin here. Hugs

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

Live my life, heal my body and mind and relax a little. I deserve it.

[weaver71]

The coin toss is merely whether what I say makes sense to anyone or not. That's why I said you called. You're doing awesome, by the way. Deciphering my comments shows you have great powers of perception. What are you gonna do with all the time you used to count days with?

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

Somehow you're a voice of reason to me. Deal with it. Don't bade it on a coin toss.

[weaver71]

No, me being a voice of reason doesn't make any sense, I've always thought of myself as an oxymoron. I'm both sides of a coin flying through the air, but addiction is a form of insanity, heads or tails?

I'm glad you called it, I'm glad the coin landed in your favor.

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

You guys hit the nail on the head. Weaver, you've been my constant voice of reason in a f**ked up but meaningful way if that makes any sense. Yes, I'm fully aware of keeping myself in check, but I'm also fully aware the trust I have in myself and the trust I put into beating this. I like the relationship metaphor, it puts it in perspective. Don't beat a dead a dead horse, just poke him every now and then to make sure he's really dead. Rush...... Thank you for understanding and relating. I'm looking towards the future, it's bright, it's happy, and it's all mine.

[rush2112]

thanks weaver,I have been dumped here and there...i figure pining away does me no good in any break-up....life is out the windshield, not in the rearview mirror (the past is worth a glance, but if we stare at it we are gonna crash)