Aa
Confession time
I haven't been on here for a really long time because I am so very ashamed. I screwed up really bad this time, and I am beginning to think I am past the point of no return. I have a family friend who got in touch with me and at the time, I had no idea she was using hydros. Anyway after a few weeks of visiting and talking she told me. At the time I was having really bad issues with my brother and my olderst child was leaving for college. I blew it and started using again. It started out slowly, (like all addictions), but before I new it I was a full blown user again. I have been using since approximately 6 months ago, but I have been using ALOT and I need to stop. I have had this stupid stomach flu for a couple of days so I am basically going through the same symptoms of withdrawls and I decided to stop cold turkey since I was sick already. I am so scared my husband will find out right now. I have always been honest with him and he knows about my problem, just not the relapse. I am terrified he will not go through this again with me. I have been praying all morning, and I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel a wave if calm over me right now. The cold sweats have lessened and I am able to think clearly. I SWEAR I WILL DO IT THIS TIME.. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
Hi lady.. Feeling guilty and ashamed is not going to help any.. the most important thing is that you are jumping back into the fight for sobriety. I am where you are now.. planning my detox starting tomorrow.. Just stay strong and you know the worst is over in a a few days. Try your best to KEEP that calm feeling.. the worst thing we can do is panic and get stuck in our heads.. We have to try to stay calm and mentally overcome this.. chances our we think its a LOT worse than it is...
You will be ok.. You've done this before and you can get through this.
Ive not used clonidine and dont plan on using it, but I have heard it helps wonderfully with the goosebumps, sweating..
Good luck - you can do this.. WE can do this!!
You will be ok.. You've done this before and you can get through this.
Ive not used clonidine and dont plan on using it, but I have heard it helps wonderfully with the goosebumps, sweating..
Good luck - you can do this.. WE can do this!!
Thank you for your kind words. I just feel like such a hypocrite because I have been a member of this forum for years and I have offered so much support, and I am not able to follow my own advice.
Good Luck to you too, WE Will do this!
Good Luck to you too, WE Will do this!
lady Im glad you came back here for support. sadly, relapse happens to a lot of us and god knows Ive relapsed many times myself too. I had almost made it a year clean when i fell down again. Im now over 50 days clean again and it can be a real struggle. I wish you the best. keep posting!
Clonidine is a medication used to control blood pressure. Apparently when in w/drawal your pressure spikes and goes up and down irratically causing the sweats, goosebumps.. Clonidine is a very old and trusted medication to regulate blood pressure. Lots of doctors will prescribe it to help ease w/drawal. Ive not used it. My pressure is generally LOW so I am always worried to use anything that brings it low.,
I am in the same position as you are, and I feel the exact same way in terms of feeling embarassed that you relapsed. The only thing we can do is make our words count and truly make this the last time..I am tapering down a little bit before I quit. It's a pretty fast taper but I am actually just switching from oxys to hydros for a little bit, just to get the OC out of my system at first because it is so much harder to jump off ct from oxys..good luck and if u need someone to talk to please message me as i am also in your situation in terms of our loved one..my gf doesnt even know about this..i managed to quit for her last time but i started up again and our relationship wasnt the same for the months that i was using..i want to quit for her so bad... i cant lose her because she is the one bright spot in my life at this point.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hey Lady......Am glad to see you back. You know the drill with the wd's. Dont beat yourself up over your relapse. Turn the negative into something positive. You are back now and doing something about it. Wallowing in self misery gets us nowhere. You relapsed and the only thing you can do now is to make sure it doesnt happen again. You remember how we preach aftercare here.......What are you going to do differently this time? We will always have stressful situations in our lives and we have to learn how to live and deal with them clean. Pills only add to our sorrow. I know the situation with your husband is killing you right now. Sit down with him and tell him the truth. I really dont think you will feel better until you do. Now stick around here and let us help you......You can do this!!!! sara
Hello Lady I'm also glad to see you back.. sorry it is under these circumstances but as sara said do not beat yourself up just get back on track. get honest with those that matter put a toxic friendship behind you and move forward.. You can do this.. Freedom over the pills is awesome as you know and life will throw us all kinds of troubles but they just magnify while we are hiding behind our doc. Be kind to yourself during this time ok. lesa
Welcome back. After a relapse there is usually so much guilt and shame and sometimes even self hate. It's so hard getting back up and believing in ourselves again at first, but we do heal. I think we have to work through the guilt and that's why they say one day at a time. My clean days were always so important to me and changing my tracker hurt so much, but I have learned from some of the verterans here not to put so much emphasis on that and live for the day. You should be proud about being honest and trying again. You can do this. Keep posting and stick around this time. Good luck:)
Hi there hun, your posting really broke my heart. Why? Not because you relapsed, because you are turning against yourself. NEVER BE ASHAMED, how can that serve you in the end? If you are feeling ashamed, its a GOOD sign, it means the Spirit inside of you recognizes what you are doing, and is trying to help. Honestly, how could you think we hate you? You are just being silly! No self pity for you missy! We have all screwed up, countless times, lied, stole, cheated, and hurt the ones we love. Its part of the addiction process. Remember hun, it is a DISEASE, just like diabetes. It is not an emotional state of mind. Anyone who tells you otherwise or looks upon you with disgust or judging eyes should take a real hard look at their life, and certainly not be a part of yours.
As far as your husband, YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST. My God, PLEASE have some blind faith and trust me and all of us here when we say that. He is the foundation of your support system, and even though he WILL be upset, SO WHAT? Is he that perfect? No, he is not, and has no right to judge you. I sense the sincereity in your heart, and your desire to lead a better life. He may have tantrum, and storm out, but if he loves you, "in sickness and in health" he will stand by your side and offer you all the help, love, and support you need.
In the grand scheme of things, of you really think about it, and I have said this countless times, nothing in this life has any meaning. A tree, a cocktail, an obstacle, a "failure" do not have any meaning unless YOU give it one! YOU are in charge hun. Up until this point, you have viewed yourself as a victim, and thats ok, we all do at times. You feel like your life is the result of all of these seemingly external things happening. Not the case! Just think, we all commited our minds to using drugs at one point, we focused all our attention and energy on it and guess what - we are all pretty damn good at it! We are already experts at creating what we believe and focus on. So...what makes you think you cannot use the same expertise to do the opposite and believe in the positive? You CAN, and you WILL.
What has always helped me, and to those who know me here, I know I sound like a broken record, but hell, I am ok with that LOL. Sit back, and visualize how good you will FEEL when your journey out of addiction is complete. FORCE yourself to let those waves of peace, calm, happiness, and harmony flow through your body. See how stable and joyous your relationship will become. Smile as feel the freedom that comes in waking up each morning not searching for our amber colored crutches. It feels good, doesn't it? It has been proven your mind cannot distinguish between a vivid imagination that you force yourself to FEEL, and actual reality! You are in effect tuning your body for success, and will begin to attract that feeling into your life. I garuntee it. I believe in this more than the sun rising tomorrow.
You keep popping those pills in your mouth because you are trying to feel happy, plain and simple, that is why I shot up a dozen times a day for a half a year. We are afraid of feeling and experiencing OURSELVES in the beginning, and then we become afraid of the withdrawals when the disease sets in. I say why be afriad of w/d's? WHAT WE RESIST...PERSISTS, and creates more suffering! I view them as my badge of honor, I wouldnt have it any other way, if I could go back again to the point right before I went into detox, I honestly, and I mean it, would 100% choose to experience every heartbreaking moment again. If you take the time to view all these experiences as having a positive purpose, I will give you hope and faith that you are on the right track, and on the verge of reclaiming your life, I promise dear.
The key to ending your suffering (I can literally FEEL your energy as I type this) is to end your resistance to people and situations being as they are. Life is the way it is. Instead, you must develop the ability, emotionally, to let whatever happens be okay-even while you may be taking action to change it.
Another theme I have noticed in these forums is how many shout consciously or unconsciously, "I never want to feel this or that way again, or I must avoid this drug, or that drug, or this person at all costs." I think this is one of the worst ways to live your life. All of our negative emotional experiences (ecspecially our addictions) create beliefs that are not helpful at all and cause us to focus on what we DO NOT want. Since the mind takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to create something, this is a dangerous way to view your recovery. To get what you want and suceed lady67, you MUST focus on what you want (beating your addiction & living a free and happy life) and have beliefs that tell the mind to create that result.
When you notice yourself focusing on what you do not want, immediately change your focus to what you do want. This takes practice. Try to grasp the fact - Our minds do NOT know when you focus on something, that you do not want it! It always takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to go get it and bring it to youin one way or another. For this reason, it is crucial that you immediately replace thoughts of what you do not want with thoughts of what you do want!
I can hear those things you believe about yourself that keep you from being happy and peaceful all the time—statements such as "I'm never going to beat this." "My husband wont love me anymore when he learns I relapsed" or "There's something wrong with me." These statements are big clues to what negative beliefs you and all of us have sometimes. The sad reality of lives during our addiction is the best indicator that our beliefs and thought about life up to this point suck big time! The key is to recognize them, know they have given you the life you have now that you are not happy with, and begin the process of letting go, surrendering, being OK with what is, stop resisting, and to stop thinking the same old way and expecting different results. Thats insanity my friend. You can do this and we all can help.
I know this is alot to take in, but reading your story made we want to pour out of my head and heart everything I can to lift your spirit and help you realize that you already have suceeded in my mind, just give yourself the same courtesy and watch how everything falls into place. You WIL BE OK! We are here to help! God Bless and sorry again for the rambling, if you made it through this, you must truly be focused on your success!
"We do not see things as they are. We see them as WE are..."
~Fentynl_Fanatic
As far as your husband, YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST. My God, PLEASE have some blind faith and trust me and all of us here when we say that. He is the foundation of your support system, and even though he WILL be upset, SO WHAT? Is he that perfect? No, he is not, and has no right to judge you. I sense the sincereity in your heart, and your desire to lead a better life. He may have tantrum, and storm out, but if he loves you, "in sickness and in health" he will stand by your side and offer you all the help, love, and support you need.
In the grand scheme of things, of you really think about it, and I have said this countless times, nothing in this life has any meaning. A tree, a cocktail, an obstacle, a "failure" do not have any meaning unless YOU give it one! YOU are in charge hun. Up until this point, you have viewed yourself as a victim, and thats ok, we all do at times. You feel like your life is the result of all of these seemingly external things happening. Not the case! Just think, we all commited our minds to using drugs at one point, we focused all our attention and energy on it and guess what - we are all pretty damn good at it! We are already experts at creating what we believe and focus on. So...what makes you think you cannot use the same expertise to do the opposite and believe in the positive? You CAN, and you WILL.
What has always helped me, and to those who know me here, I know I sound like a broken record, but hell, I am ok with that LOL. Sit back, and visualize how good you will FEEL when your journey out of addiction is complete. FORCE yourself to let those waves of peace, calm, happiness, and harmony flow through your body. See how stable and joyous your relationship will become. Smile as feel the freedom that comes in waking up each morning not searching for our amber colored crutches. It feels good, doesn't it? It has been proven your mind cannot distinguish between a vivid imagination that you force yourself to FEEL, and actual reality! You are in effect tuning your body for success, and will begin to attract that feeling into your life. I garuntee it. I believe in this more than the sun rising tomorrow.
You keep popping those pills in your mouth because you are trying to feel happy, plain and simple, that is why I shot up a dozen times a day for a half a year. We are afraid of feeling and experiencing OURSELVES in the beginning, and then we become afraid of the withdrawals when the disease sets in. I say why be afriad of w/d's? WHAT WE RESIST...PERSISTS, and creates more suffering! I view them as my badge of honor, I wouldnt have it any other way, if I could go back again to the point right before I went into detox, I honestly, and I mean it, would 100% choose to experience every heartbreaking moment again. If you take the time to view all these experiences as having a positive purpose, I will give you hope and faith that you are on the right track, and on the verge of reclaiming your life, I promise dear.
The key to ending your suffering (I can literally FEEL your energy as I type this) is to end your resistance to people and situations being as they are. Life is the way it is. Instead, you must develop the ability, emotionally, to let whatever happens be okay-even while you may be taking action to change it.
Another theme I have noticed in these forums is how many shout consciously or unconsciously, "I never want to feel this or that way again, or I must avoid this drug, or that drug, or this person at all costs." I think this is one of the worst ways to live your life. All of our negative emotional experiences (ecspecially our addictions) create beliefs that are not helpful at all and cause us to focus on what we DO NOT want. Since the mind takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to create something, this is a dangerous way to view your recovery. To get what you want and suceed lady67, you MUST focus on what you want (beating your addiction & living a free and happy life) and have beliefs that tell the mind to create that result.
When you notice yourself focusing on what you do not want, immediately change your focus to what you do want. This takes practice. Try to grasp the fact - Our minds do NOT know when you focus on something, that you do not want it! It always takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to go get it and bring it to youin one way or another. For this reason, it is crucial that you immediately replace thoughts of what you do not want with thoughts of what you do want!
I can hear those things you believe about yourself that keep you from being happy and peaceful all the time—statements such as "I'm never going to beat this." "My husband wont love me anymore when he learns I relapsed" or "There's something wrong with me." These statements are big clues to what negative beliefs you and all of us have sometimes. The sad reality of lives during our addiction is the best indicator that our beliefs and thought about life up to this point suck big time! The key is to recognize them, know they have given you the life you have now that you are not happy with, and begin the process of letting go, surrendering, being OK with what is, stop resisting, and to stop thinking the same old way and expecting different results. Thats insanity my friend. You can do this and we all can help.
I know this is alot to take in, but reading your story made we want to pour out of my head and heart everything I can to lift your spirit and help you realize that you already have suceeded in my mind, just give yourself the same courtesy and watch how everything falls into place. You WIL BE OK! We are here to help! God Bless and sorry again for the rambling, if you made it through this, you must truly be focused on your success!
"We do not see things as they are. We see them as WE are..."
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I just read your mood statement! Tisk tisk! LOL
In all seriousness though,
I want you to change that Mood Statement right away young lady! You may not realize it, but literally seeing that statement and feeding it into your mind will only reinforce those crappy feelings, and then without fail bring more of them into your life! You don't need that junk clouding up your new and positive beliefs about your life!
You are a wonderful woman with abilities beyond your wildest imaginations! Every second of your day today is an opportunity to change your thoughts and attitude - and realize the fact that you will look back at this struggle as the defining moment in your life. Trust me. The fact that you are here and focused on recovery is 90% of the battle, it really is. You WILL not fail this time, and CANNOT if it is not a possibility in your new belief system. OK? The second you start thinking and worrying about your withdrawal experience and all the ways or reasons it might suck and you might fail, and let that thinking persist - you have set the wheels of failure in motion. We start to rationalize, and make excuses for our failure, and give it so much of our precious time and ebergy, when it oddly is the exact opposite of what we all truly want - happiness, freedom, and most importantly...love.
The best part of all of this is only YOU lady67 have the power to begin to change how you view the world and let go of all the beliefs, assumptions, and fears that have led you to your current situation. There will be a moment soon when the beauty of this all creeps into your life, and it will literally take your breath away - it did for me!
I have faith that you truly want this change, and in that respect, it is already completed and waiting for you to arrive.
Im here to help, don't be afraid to ask, or share, I love this community. Even though I may seem to only offer advice, I spend 10x the amount of time reading everyone elses advice, experiences, and hidden pearls of wisdom. For that I cannot thank you all enough. God Bless...
~Fentynl_Fanatic (i just realized I spelt Fentynl wrong! Its Fentanyl!!) No biggie! :)
In all seriousness though,
I want you to change that Mood Statement right away young lady! You may not realize it, but literally seeing that statement and feeding it into your mind will only reinforce those crappy feelings, and then without fail bring more of them into your life! You don't need that junk clouding up your new and positive beliefs about your life!
You are a wonderful woman with abilities beyond your wildest imaginations! Every second of your day today is an opportunity to change your thoughts and attitude - and realize the fact that you will look back at this struggle as the defining moment in your life. Trust me. The fact that you are here and focused on recovery is 90% of the battle, it really is. You WILL not fail this time, and CANNOT if it is not a possibility in your new belief system. OK? The second you start thinking and worrying about your withdrawal experience and all the ways or reasons it might suck and you might fail, and let that thinking persist - you have set the wheels of failure in motion. We start to rationalize, and make excuses for our failure, and give it so much of our precious time and ebergy, when it oddly is the exact opposite of what we all truly want - happiness, freedom, and most importantly...love.
The best part of all of this is only YOU lady67 have the power to begin to change how you view the world and let go of all the beliefs, assumptions, and fears that have led you to your current situation. There will be a moment soon when the beauty of this all creeps into your life, and it will literally take your breath away - it did for me!
I have faith that you truly want this change, and in that respect, it is already completed and waiting for you to arrive.
Im here to help, don't be afraid to ask, or share, I love this community. Even though I may seem to only offer advice, I spend 10x the amount of time reading everyone elses advice, experiences, and hidden pearls of wisdom. For that I cannot thank you all enough. God Bless...
~Fentynl_Fanatic (i just realized I spelt Fentynl wrong! Its Fentanyl!!) No biggie! :)
Thank you guys for the kind words and comments. I am going to try my best to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. This morning when I started thinking about the amount of money I have spent on the drugs, I literally hated myself. I was always able to say before that I never bought the pills off the street or from a dealer, but I can't say that this time. I spent more money than I can even imagine. When I started thinking about it, I ended up getting mad at myself and popping a d@mn pill, or should I say several of them.
I truly appreciate the words and those of you who think I should immediately talk to my hubby about it. I do know that it will make me feel so much better by being honest with him, but he has gone through this with me a couple of times, and the last time, he said it would be the last time. He said no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it again. I am definately going to be honest with him, but I feel like I need to show him progress before I tell him. If I do tell him now, our relationship may end and I can't stand the thought of losing him. He has been in my life for 27 years and I know if I lose him, I will go off the deep end completely. I did start a journal a few nights ago in which I was totally listing all my feelings and honestly writing how much I used and why I felt like I had to take something. When I get over the withdrawls, I am going to sit him down and give him the journal and let him read it and see where my mind is.
Everyone's advice was good and I thank you for it, but I know this man and I know that he is serious. I think if I tell him now while I am trying to go through the withdrawls, the emotions will be high and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and I don't want to blame him for any of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Well, I gotta run to the grocery store so I will catch you guys later tonight.
I truly appreciate the words and those of you who think I should immediately talk to my hubby about it. I do know that it will make me feel so much better by being honest with him, but he has gone through this with me a couple of times, and the last time, he said it would be the last time. He said no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it again. I am definately going to be honest with him, but I feel like I need to show him progress before I tell him. If I do tell him now, our relationship may end and I can't stand the thought of losing him. He has been in my life for 27 years and I know if I lose him, I will go off the deep end completely. I did start a journal a few nights ago in which I was totally listing all my feelings and honestly writing how much I used and why I felt like I had to take something. When I get over the withdrawls, I am going to sit him down and give him the journal and let him read it and see where my mind is.
Everyone's advice was good and I thank you for it, but I know this man and I know that he is serious. I think if I tell him now while I am trying to go through the withdrawls, the emotions will be high and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and I don't want to blame him for any of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Well, I gotta run to the grocery store so I will catch you guys later tonight.
Nah, he isn't a computer guy, and when he comes in from work, he is so tired he can't sit down without falling asleep. I promise you guys I will talk to him about it and I will be totally honest with him, I just don't know if I can handle his reaction and go through withdrawls at the same time.
It is good to see someone who understands what I mean about coming clean with the hubby, I am also a VERY impatient person. I tend to fly off the handle and say and do something stupid. I don't want to do that, I want to do it right this time.
Last night I took my last hydros, so I am determined this time. I haven't gotten them from a MD for the past year because of the letter I had put in my chart, requesting nothing be prescribed to me. I still feel safe there, I just have to find a way to break the ties with my niece because she can always get me what I need. I kinda got pi$$ed at her yesterday when I told her that I was quitting this time and she "no you aren't, I know you too well." Basically she has no faith in me, and I can see why. I also must admit she was my downfall. I was going along great until she moved back to my hometown. She has absolutely no intentions of stopping and I know for a fact that she uses alot more than hydros. I have never used anything other than the hydros and the sleeping pills. I have been off the sleeping pills for 20 months now and I have no desire to use those again. But my niece even made the statement that she wanted me to take something and get really messed up and I would never want to quit. That told me right then to get the he!! out of there and not have any further contact with her.
So, I took my last pill yesterday and everytime I feel the need to call her to get something, I am going to get on here and talk to my "true" friends.
Thanks Guys
Last night I took my last hydros, so I am determined this time. I haven't gotten them from a MD for the past year because of the letter I had put in my chart, requesting nothing be prescribed to me. I still feel safe there, I just have to find a way to break the ties with my niece because she can always get me what I need. I kinda got pi$$ed at her yesterday when I told her that I was quitting this time and she "no you aren't, I know you too well." Basically she has no faith in me, and I can see why. I also must admit she was my downfall. I was going along great until she moved back to my hometown. She has absolutely no intentions of stopping and I know for a fact that she uses alot more than hydros. I have never used anything other than the hydros and the sleeping pills. I have been off the sleeping pills for 20 months now and I have no desire to use those again. But my niece even made the statement that she wanted me to take something and get really messed up and I would never want to quit. That told me right then to get the he!! out of there and not have any further contact with her.
So, I took my last pill yesterday and everytime I feel the need to call her to get something, I am going to get on here and talk to my "true" friends.
Thanks Guys
COMMUNITY LEADER
You know this is a safe place for you and we are always here to help. Dont forget to take vitamins or the amino acids and get out and get some exercise. Are you going to do anything with aftercare? I hope you will as it really is vital to our recovery. Keep posting and welcome home lady......You can do this!!!! Stay strong and stay true to yourself. sara
Congrats on your first day of freedom again:) Its ok to be weak, but it's not ok to use. You will feel so much better in a few days and we are here for support. Hope your feeling better soon lady
You GOTTA get that niece out of your life at all costs. We addicts have a hard enough time with the tempting voices in our own heads, much less when it comes from the outside. Change your number, get a restraining order, ANYTHING! Any human being who knowingly trys to prevent someone from recovering from drug addiction is pathetic, and I am sorry if that offends you, but when I read your posting and what she said to you, it made me sick. This isn't a game like she sees it - IT IS YOUR LIFE.
Also hun, PLEASE make sure you have absolutely NO access to ANY opiates. I have a feeling you might have some to aid in W/D. If you have some in the house, and are beginning your recovery and sobriety today, you are not commited 100% or being honest with yourself, I am truly sorry if that comes across as rude, I am trying to help, I promise. The only reason you would have to keep pills in the house is if a part of you, and it only has to be 0.00001%, wanted to have them there as a crutch in case W/D get too hard. You can't have any idea of failure in your body. I failed 7 times that way when I was addicted to pills 4 years ago. Each W/D attempt I had a few pills in the house for "emergencies." Of course you are going to rationalize an "emergency" during W/D!!! Us addicts rationalize anything & everything! When I cleaned out everything on the 8th time - I made it out. You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea. but you are free to do as you choose. Sure, its possible and has been done, but we are here to give you support so you have the BEST chance at recovery. The day you begin your sobriety, you create a wall behind you and need to completely leave everything behind. Use all the remedies and support here to tough it on through. Everything will be OK!
~Fentynl_Fanatic
Also hun, PLEASE make sure you have absolutely NO access to ANY opiates. I have a feeling you might have some to aid in W/D. If you have some in the house, and are beginning your recovery and sobriety today, you are not commited 100% or being honest with yourself, I am truly sorry if that comes across as rude, I am trying to help, I promise. The only reason you would have to keep pills in the house is if a part of you, and it only has to be 0.00001%, wanted to have them there as a crutch in case W/D get too hard. You can't have any idea of failure in your body. I failed 7 times that way when I was addicted to pills 4 years ago. Each W/D attempt I had a few pills in the house for "emergencies." Of course you are going to rationalize an "emergency" during W/D!!! Us addicts rationalize anything & everything! When I cleaned out everything on the 8th time - I made it out. You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea. but you are free to do as you choose. Sure, its possible and has been done, but we are here to give you support so you have the BEST chance at recovery. The day you begin your sobriety, you create a wall behind you and need to completely leave everything behind. Use all the remedies and support here to tough it on through. Everything will be OK!
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I'm sorry, I am REALLY trying to get the lengths of my postings down! I am very passionate about these issues and our recoveries, sometimes I just start typing and dont realize I have written a novel until I look up 15 minutes later!!!
I just have to comment on this....
"You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea."
I totally disagree that a person shouldn't taper with their DOC...and should ONLY taper using Sub.
Yes, tapering with a DOC takes some serious self control...but also...Sub may not be an option for a lot of people....due to money alone. To me...the manner in which recovery happens isn't nearly as important as the aftercare and support they receive.
Fentanyl...I know you only have the best of intentions...and your posts are very uplifting...but people going thru recovery have to be honest with themselves too. Positive thinking is great...but part of recovery is the bad stuff too....for instance...thinking about how much a person spent on their addiction. You'd view that as negative thinking and to not "allow yourself" to beat yourself up. Sometimes those processes are just as vital as the detox itself. There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel...and working thru those feelings is a HUGE part of the process, IMO. We cannot just force ourselves to think positively and pretend all of those bad feelings dont exist. I'm sorry, it is just unrealistic.
Lady...I know you are in a vulnerable place right now, and especially when it comes to your hubby...you fear losing him will just knock you down that much more...and let's be honest...loved ones of addicts DO have their breaking points.....sometimes enough is enough for them....so you do what you need to at this moment.....and I agree that coming clean to him when maybe you're in a better place may be the best thing. I would never say that you shouldn't tell him at all...but I also understand that the reality of losing him is very real....and of course you have to think of those kinds of things.
Keep doing what you're doing, it's a long road...but with support and perserverance...you'll make it.
"You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea."
I totally disagree that a person shouldn't taper with their DOC...and should ONLY taper using Sub.
Yes, tapering with a DOC takes some serious self control...but also...Sub may not be an option for a lot of people....due to money alone. To me...the manner in which recovery happens isn't nearly as important as the aftercare and support they receive.
Fentanyl...I know you only have the best of intentions...and your posts are very uplifting...but people going thru recovery have to be honest with themselves too. Positive thinking is great...but part of recovery is the bad stuff too....for instance...thinking about how much a person spent on their addiction. You'd view that as negative thinking and to not "allow yourself" to beat yourself up. Sometimes those processes are just as vital as the detox itself. There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel...and working thru those feelings is a HUGE part of the process, IMO. We cannot just force ourselves to think positively and pretend all of those bad feelings dont exist. I'm sorry, it is just unrealistic.
Lady...I know you are in a vulnerable place right now, and especially when it comes to your hubby...you fear losing him will just knock you down that much more...and let's be honest...loved ones of addicts DO have their breaking points.....sometimes enough is enough for them....so you do what you need to at this moment.....and I agree that coming clean to him when maybe you're in a better place may be the best thing. I would never say that you shouldn't tell him at all...but I also understand that the reality of losing him is very real....and of course you have to think of those kinds of things.
Keep doing what you're doing, it's a long road...but with support and perserverance...you'll make it.
I feel I need to clarify. I understand Suxone or Methadone is not an option for alot of people. Personally, in my experience, I wouldn't have used Suboxone at all. I have been on it for 457 days now, and am just starting to see the end in sight. All I did was replace one drug with a "legal" version of another. Psychologically, that has been a major issue for me to overcome. Of course, if you are taking upwards of 20 pills a day, it makes sense to drop down to 15, then 10, ect. or whatever happens to work for you. I don not believe that is recovery though, it is preparation for recovery, and a great idea if you want to lessen the effects of W/D. Up until the day you call it quits for good, do whatever you can to make your recovery something you feel you can accomplish.
My point was, and this is where I think I was misunderstood, was that once you start complete sobriety and face the W/D that is ahead of you, I do not feel it beneficial to have any opiate substance around to "ease the pain." I think we can all agree that as addicts, we have all lost complete sense of "self-control," so why should we think it will be different trying to get off our DOC? Once we quit, we are supposed to have made the commitment to use other avenues of support. If you happen to disagree, that is fine, I respect that.
"There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel"
Well, I know one thing, that is of course going to be true for you at least because you believe it to be. I feel that is an attitude that puts us on the "effect" end of life, without any control. I am trying to get to the "cause" end where I am in charge of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I refuse to be a victim to how I think I "should" feel. I have done that my whole life, and it has never done me an ounce of good. Your statement proves what I have been saying all along. I think it is a self defeating attitude. I refuse to wallow and dwell on what I lost and all the negativity that was my life back then. That does not mean I choose not to learn from it. Yes, regret and depression are legitimate feelings, and no human on earth has gone through this process without feeling them including me. What I am asking you to realize is that ultimately it is a choice. We all in some way enjoy a little self-pity.
If you want to ascribe a completely positive meaning to your depression and regret, by all means do it, and mabye that is our common ground. I CHOOSE to not focus on anything I don't want, because I know in the end I will only end up bringing more of that into my life, and for me that has made all the difference.
I am sorry, I don't mean any disrespect, I am having a rough day as it is. I understand not many people will agree with me, and that is because we are all are so used to the way we have been thinking our whole lives. To me, recovery meant a complete change in the way I view myself and the world around me, and I will leave it at that. I personally do not wish to debate this theory anymore. I respect you and your opinion. Believe me.
My point was, and this is where I think I was misunderstood, was that once you start complete sobriety and face the W/D that is ahead of you, I do not feel it beneficial to have any opiate substance around to "ease the pain." I think we can all agree that as addicts, we have all lost complete sense of "self-control," so why should we think it will be different trying to get off our DOC? Once we quit, we are supposed to have made the commitment to use other avenues of support. If you happen to disagree, that is fine, I respect that.
"There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel"
Well, I know one thing, that is of course going to be true for you at least because you believe it to be. I feel that is an attitude that puts us on the "effect" end of life, without any control. I am trying to get to the "cause" end where I am in charge of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I refuse to be a victim to how I think I "should" feel. I have done that my whole life, and it has never done me an ounce of good. Your statement proves what I have been saying all along. I think it is a self defeating attitude. I refuse to wallow and dwell on what I lost and all the negativity that was my life back then. That does not mean I choose not to learn from it. Yes, regret and depression are legitimate feelings, and no human on earth has gone through this process without feeling them including me. What I am asking you to realize is that ultimately it is a choice. We all in some way enjoy a little self-pity.
If you want to ascribe a completely positive meaning to your depression and regret, by all means do it, and mabye that is our common ground. I CHOOSE to not focus on anything I don't want, because I know in the end I will only end up bringing more of that into my life, and for me that has made all the difference.
I am sorry, I don't mean any disrespect, I am having a rough day as it is. I understand not many people will agree with me, and that is because we are all are so used to the way we have been thinking our whole lives. To me, recovery meant a complete change in the way I view myself and the world around me, and I will leave it at that. I personally do not wish to debate this theory anymore. I respect you and your opinion. Believe me.
I just want to say a final message here. What I say sounds crazy because we all have never tried it, and it takes practice. Hell, not too long ago it was hersey to proclaim the world was round!
I dont expect miracles in myself or anyone else. I have had a messed up way of thinking for 26 years, and it wont change overnight. Everything we have in our lives at this moment began with a thought. Change your thinking, your change your world ! It IS ok to be regretful and depressed, as long as YOU are ok with that, I feel I should have said that before, and I am sorry. I understand what I say may seem very unrealistic in our lives right now. "Just be positive" I say, and I can hear everyone saying, "sure, thats easier said than done Tony Robbins" LOL Believe me, I understand. Nursegirl6572, I in no way meant any disrespect by my previous postings, you were right.
I'm not trying to be preachy to anyone here. My God, I am sorry if I come across that way. If anyone feels like I judged them, I am so sorry. Realize, I TOO am going through Suboxone W/D. If I can find a way to feel positive about my situation, believe me, anyone can. I haven't met anyone here who has even been addicted to IV Fentenyl, THANK GOD It is stronger than heroin drop for drop. I had unlimited, free access. My doc told me if I hadn't been caught by the hospital i worked at, I would have been dead in 2 weeks. My detox from Fentynl involved seizures, 4 week hospitalization, heart arrythmias, a bowel obstruction, and tooth decay from so much vomit. Tried suicide 3 times. Im am no better than anyone.
I just want you all to know I care very deeply about all of you. If you got somthing that works for you and your healthy, happy, and clean, God Bless you and your effort. Have a great night everyone, tomorrow is a new day, embrace it as the first day of the rest of you life!
All my love and respect,
Your spacey spiritual friend,
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I dont expect miracles in myself or anyone else. I have had a messed up way of thinking for 26 years, and it wont change overnight. Everything we have in our lives at this moment began with a thought. Change your thinking, your change your world ! It IS ok to be regretful and depressed, as long as YOU are ok with that, I feel I should have said that before, and I am sorry. I understand what I say may seem very unrealistic in our lives right now. "Just be positive" I say, and I can hear everyone saying, "sure, thats easier said than done Tony Robbins" LOL Believe me, I understand. Nursegirl6572, I in no way meant any disrespect by my previous postings, you were right.
I'm not trying to be preachy to anyone here. My God, I am sorry if I come across that way. If anyone feels like I judged them, I am so sorry. Realize, I TOO am going through Suboxone W/D. If I can find a way to feel positive about my situation, believe me, anyone can. I haven't met anyone here who has even been addicted to IV Fentenyl, THANK GOD It is stronger than heroin drop for drop. I had unlimited, free access. My doc told me if I hadn't been caught by the hospital i worked at, I would have been dead in 2 weeks. My detox from Fentynl involved seizures, 4 week hospitalization, heart arrythmias, a bowel obstruction, and tooth decay from so much vomit. Tried suicide 3 times. Im am no better than anyone.
I just want you all to know I care very deeply about all of you. If you got somthing that works for you and your healthy, happy, and clean, God Bless you and your effort. Have a great night everyone, tomorrow is a new day, embrace it as the first day of the rest of you life!
All my love and respect,
Your spacey spiritual friend,
~Fentynl_Fanatic
COMMUNITY LEADER
I understand what you are saying here. In the early stages of recovery we have to take baby steps otherwise it is too overwhelming. We have to work thru the negative feelings to get to the positive ones. For me i have to break each one down and work thru them. Trying to deal with it all at once would of been to much. Recovery is about change and that takes time. Aftercare is so very important to our success. sara
I do not have any put back. That is why I have spent so much and taken so much lately. I can't keep them around. IF they are here, I WILL take them. I have to do it cold turkey. I didn't have anything all day Saturday and I took a .05 mg of clonidine (half of a .1 mg) and I didn't have any chills and sweats. I have been home sick for a week with this flu that is going around so I am thinking I will feel al little better when I get out of the house and get back to work.
My niece texted me all day yesterday and I just ignored all of them. This is a first. So I hope I am on the right track. I just have to get this guilt under control and move on. I keep remembering a quote I heard, "No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."
My niece texted me all day yesterday and I just ignored all of them. This is a first. So I hope I am on the right track. I just have to get this guilt under control and move on. I keep remembering a quote I heard, "No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."
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