Confession time

[lady67]

I haven't been on here for a really long time because I am so very ashamed.  I screwed up really bad this time, and I am beginning to think I am past the point of no return.  I have a family friend who got in touch with me and at the time, I had no idea she was using hydros.  Anyway after a few weeks of visiting and talking she told me.  At the time I was having really bad issues with my brother and my olderst child was leaving for college.  I blew it and started using again.  It started out slowly, (like all addictions), but before I new it I was a full blown user again.  I have been using since approximately 6 months ago, but I have been using ALOT and I need to stop.  I have had this stupid stomach flu for a couple of days so I am basically going through the same symptoms of withdrawls and I decided to stop cold turkey since I was sick already.  I am so scared my husband will find out right now.  I have always been honest with him and he knows about my problem, just not the relapse.  I am terrified he will not go through this again with me.  I have been praying all morning, and I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel a wave if calm over me right now.  The cold sweats have lessened and I am able to think clearly.  I SWEAR I WILL DO IT THIS TIME.. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.

I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls.  I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them.  If I take one will it help?  I hope you guys don't hate me.  I now have to go to my tracker and change it.  I think that is the hardest part.  When I see that number go back to one.  On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.  

Have a good one, I will be on all day.

[Jimmy1975]

Hey lady , good to see you again ! I remember you from my first time here . Look I can't really add what everyone has already told you but I can tell you this is my second go around so I know all about relapse . Don't be so hard on yourself . This time just do something more that will keep you away from  hydro Hell ! I am on day 30 and besides the anxiety I feel physically feel much stronger then I have in a longtime . This time I am going to stay here even after all the withdrawl symtoms are gone . I do believe thats where I went wrong the first time . I really never used heavy but enough to cause all this misery for myself . But abuse is abuse and I now know that well . Stay with us and we will help you get your life back . talk to you soon   Jimmy

[calyxgirl]

Hey there!  Don't beat yourself up, just pick yourself up and know that relapse is part of recovery.  Look forward and know that you can do this.  Just an FYI and I am not a physician but I have been prescribed Clonidine for w/d before and it made me more calm and sleeping much easier.  I don't normally have high blood pressure.  As always, check with your doc but it helped me A LOT!  Good luck and we are all here helping you move forward.  Just get it over with (w/d) and look forward and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You are not unique in relapse, it happens to many, many addicts.  Good luck!

[missy812]

I forgot to mention, after being tired and clouded from the Clonidine, I was WIRED for about a week... and I lost like 7 pounds. I think my BP was sky high and my heart rate was through the roof..  so again, just be careful not to take too much, like me!

[missy812]

You don't need to beat yourself up... just get back on that wagon! Relapse is very common and the important thing is, you have realized it fairly quickly and you want to stop again.
I took Clonidine and only Clonidine during my first WD a while back... YES it helped me get through some very painful WD's.  It was the only thing that got me through, I felt.  It helps big time, but it makes you very very tired.  It helped with diariah, and nausea... I used a lot during day 1 and 2 of my WD, but day 3 and 4 SUCKED because I was so clouded from the Clonidine.  Dry mouth, tired, out of it....
Xanax is addictnig too, so be careful, but it's really a wonder drug when you WD off narcotics for the first few days.  I monitored my BP while taking the Clonidine, and took about 10 in one day... sounds like a lot, but my doc said it was okay as long as my BP didn't get too low. Last time I went through WD, I only used Xanax and it was 100000 times better.  I hadn't been back on them as long, so I'm sure that contributed, but by day 3 I was out walking around.  
My suggestion is to not take as much as I did... because it made me feel worse coming out of it, but maybe if you can take a few per day, while monitoring your BP and Xanax, just for the first 3-4 days - that'd probably work good.

[Fentynl_Fanatic]

I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!!  Your posting made my day!  Could you possibly change your number so in a moment of weakness you dont pick up? Just a thought.  When you said:

"No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."

When I read that, I just KNEW you are starting to make the transformation! I was a little to pushy before, I KNOW, and it does take baby steps, but read your earler posts, you have made a ton of progress already, whether you see it or not.  I see it!  

Clonidine will help tremendously, it is a great support medication.  Keep taking your B vitimins, mabye an amino acid supplement, and try to get ANY physical activity you can, it will help to release those good ol' NATURAL endorphins God gave us!  Warm baths, a massage if you can get one (I wish I could, my BONES literally ache today), and keep feeding your brain those positive messages.  The worst thing we can do is sit and dwell and ruminate about our situations and how tough it is.  When you complete your journey, these trying times will make you such a stronger person, you have no idea.  

I have all the faith in the world for you, keep up the good work, I will check this thread again later, hopefully you can let us know how your doing!

Remember, its OK to feel guilt and shame, as long as you realize YOU are creating those feelings. They dont just magically pop up.  I like to think of it this way, if you have the power to make yourself feel bad feelings (which I am definately good at!), then doesn't it stand to reason that you can make yourself feel good positive feeling? It just feels so un-natural at first, I know. Any positive change is going to be hard work and take practice, otherwise everyone would do it!

YOU ROCK GIRL!!!
God bless,

Fentynl_Fanatic

[lady67]

I do not have any put back.  That is why I have spent so much and taken so much lately.  I can't keep them around.  IF they are here, I WILL take them.  I have to do it cold turkey.  I didn't have anything all day Saturday and I took a .05 mg of clonidine (half of a .1 mg) and I didn't have any chills and sweats.  I have been home sick for a week with this flu that is going around so I am thinking I will feel al little better when I get out of the house and get back to work.

My niece texted me all day yesterday and I just ignored all of them.  This is a first.  So I hope I am on the right track.  I just have to get this guilt under control and move on.  I keep remembering a quote I heard, "No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."