Aa
Confession time
I haven't been on here for a really long time because I am so very ashamed. I screwed up really bad this time, and I am beginning to think I am past the point of no return. I have a family friend who got in touch with me and at the time, I had no idea she was using hydros. Anyway after a few weeks of visiting and talking she told me. At the time I was having really bad issues with my brother and my olderst child was leaving for college. I blew it and started using again. It started out slowly, (like all addictions), but before I new it I was a full blown user again. I have been using since approximately 6 months ago, but I have been using ALOT and I need to stop. I have had this stupid stomach flu for a couple of days so I am basically going through the same symptoms of withdrawls and I decided to stop cold turkey since I was sick already. I am so scared my husband will find out right now. I have always been honest with him and he knows about my problem, just not the relapse. I am terrified he will not go through this again with me. I have been praying all morning, and I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel a wave if calm over me right now. The cold sweats have lessened and I am able to think clearly. I SWEAR I WILL DO IT THIS TIME.. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I understand what you are saying here. In the early stages of recovery we have to take baby steps otherwise it is too overwhelming. We have to work thru the negative feelings to get to the positive ones. For me i have to break each one down and work thru them. Trying to deal with it all at once would of been to much. Recovery is about change and that takes time. Aftercare is so very important to our success. sara
I just want to say a final message here. What I say sounds crazy because we all have never tried it, and it takes practice. Hell, not too long ago it was hersey to proclaim the world was round!
I dont expect miracles in myself or anyone else. I have had a messed up way of thinking for 26 years, and it wont change overnight. Everything we have in our lives at this moment began with a thought. Change your thinking, your change your world ! It IS ok to be regretful and depressed, as long as YOU are ok with that, I feel I should have said that before, and I am sorry. I understand what I say may seem very unrealistic in our lives right now. "Just be positive" I say, and I can hear everyone saying, "sure, thats easier said than done Tony Robbins" LOL Believe me, I understand. Nursegirl6572, I in no way meant any disrespect by my previous postings, you were right.
I'm not trying to be preachy to anyone here. My God, I am sorry if I come across that way. If anyone feels like I judged them, I am so sorry. Realize, I TOO am going through Suboxone W/D. If I can find a way to feel positive about my situation, believe me, anyone can. I haven't met anyone here who has even been addicted to IV Fentenyl, THANK GOD It is stronger than heroin drop for drop. I had unlimited, free access. My doc told me if I hadn't been caught by the hospital i worked at, I would have been dead in 2 weeks. My detox from Fentynl involved seizures, 4 week hospitalization, heart arrythmias, a bowel obstruction, and tooth decay from so much vomit. Tried suicide 3 times. Im am no better than anyone.
I just want you all to know I care very deeply about all of you. If you got somthing that works for you and your healthy, happy, and clean, God Bless you and your effort. Have a great night everyone, tomorrow is a new day, embrace it as the first day of the rest of you life!
All my love and respect,
Your spacey spiritual friend,
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I dont expect miracles in myself or anyone else. I have had a messed up way of thinking for 26 years, and it wont change overnight. Everything we have in our lives at this moment began with a thought. Change your thinking, your change your world ! It IS ok to be regretful and depressed, as long as YOU are ok with that, I feel I should have said that before, and I am sorry. I understand what I say may seem very unrealistic in our lives right now. "Just be positive" I say, and I can hear everyone saying, "sure, thats easier said than done Tony Robbins" LOL Believe me, I understand. Nursegirl6572, I in no way meant any disrespect by my previous postings, you were right.
I'm not trying to be preachy to anyone here. My God, I am sorry if I come across that way. If anyone feels like I judged them, I am so sorry. Realize, I TOO am going through Suboxone W/D. If I can find a way to feel positive about my situation, believe me, anyone can. I haven't met anyone here who has even been addicted to IV Fentenyl, THANK GOD It is stronger than heroin drop for drop. I had unlimited, free access. My doc told me if I hadn't been caught by the hospital i worked at, I would have been dead in 2 weeks. My detox from Fentynl involved seizures, 4 week hospitalization, heart arrythmias, a bowel obstruction, and tooth decay from so much vomit. Tried suicide 3 times. Im am no better than anyone.
I just want you all to know I care very deeply about all of you. If you got somthing that works for you and your healthy, happy, and clean, God Bless you and your effort. Have a great night everyone, tomorrow is a new day, embrace it as the first day of the rest of you life!
All my love and respect,
Your spacey spiritual friend,
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I feel I need to clarify. I understand Suxone or Methadone is not an option for alot of people. Personally, in my experience, I wouldn't have used Suboxone at all. I have been on it for 457 days now, and am just starting to see the end in sight. All I did was replace one drug with a "legal" version of another. Psychologically, that has been a major issue for me to overcome. Of course, if you are taking upwards of 20 pills a day, it makes sense to drop down to 15, then 10, ect. or whatever happens to work for you. I don not believe that is recovery though, it is preparation for recovery, and a great idea if you want to lessen the effects of W/D. Up until the day you call it quits for good, do whatever you can to make your recovery something you feel you can accomplish.
My point was, and this is where I think I was misunderstood, was that once you start complete sobriety and face the W/D that is ahead of you, I do not feel it beneficial to have any opiate substance around to "ease the pain." I think we can all agree that as addicts, we have all lost complete sense of "self-control," so why should we think it will be different trying to get off our DOC? Once we quit, we are supposed to have made the commitment to use other avenues of support. If you happen to disagree, that is fine, I respect that.
"There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel"
Well, I know one thing, that is of course going to be true for you at least because you believe it to be. I feel that is an attitude that puts us on the "effect" end of life, without any control. I am trying to get to the "cause" end where I am in charge of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I refuse to be a victim to how I think I "should" feel. I have done that my whole life, and it has never done me an ounce of good. Your statement proves what I have been saying all along. I think it is a self defeating attitude. I refuse to wallow and dwell on what I lost and all the negativity that was my life back then. That does not mean I choose not to learn from it. Yes, regret and depression are legitimate feelings, and no human on earth has gone through this process without feeling them including me. What I am asking you to realize is that ultimately it is a choice. We all in some way enjoy a little self-pity.
If you want to ascribe a completely positive meaning to your depression and regret, by all means do it, and mabye that is our common ground. I CHOOSE to not focus on anything I don't want, because I know in the end I will only end up bringing more of that into my life, and for me that has made all the difference.
I am sorry, I don't mean any disrespect, I am having a rough day as it is. I understand not many people will agree with me, and that is because we are all are so used to the way we have been thinking our whole lives. To me, recovery meant a complete change in the way I view myself and the world around me, and I will leave it at that. I personally do not wish to debate this theory anymore. I respect you and your opinion. Believe me.
My point was, and this is where I think I was misunderstood, was that once you start complete sobriety and face the W/D that is ahead of you, I do not feel it beneficial to have any opiate substance around to "ease the pain." I think we can all agree that as addicts, we have all lost complete sense of "self-control," so why should we think it will be different trying to get off our DOC? Once we quit, we are supposed to have made the commitment to use other avenues of support. If you happen to disagree, that is fine, I respect that.
"There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel"
Well, I know one thing, that is of course going to be true for you at least because you believe it to be. I feel that is an attitude that puts us on the "effect" end of life, without any control. I am trying to get to the "cause" end where I am in charge of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I refuse to be a victim to how I think I "should" feel. I have done that my whole life, and it has never done me an ounce of good. Your statement proves what I have been saying all along. I think it is a self defeating attitude. I refuse to wallow and dwell on what I lost and all the negativity that was my life back then. That does not mean I choose not to learn from it. Yes, regret and depression are legitimate feelings, and no human on earth has gone through this process without feeling them including me. What I am asking you to realize is that ultimately it is a choice. We all in some way enjoy a little self-pity.
If you want to ascribe a completely positive meaning to your depression and regret, by all means do it, and mabye that is our common ground. I CHOOSE to not focus on anything I don't want, because I know in the end I will only end up bringing more of that into my life, and for me that has made all the difference.
I am sorry, I don't mean any disrespect, I am having a rough day as it is. I understand not many people will agree with me, and that is because we are all are so used to the way we have been thinking our whole lives. To me, recovery meant a complete change in the way I view myself and the world around me, and I will leave it at that. I personally do not wish to debate this theory anymore. I respect you and your opinion. Believe me.
I just have to comment on this....
"You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea."
I totally disagree that a person shouldn't taper with their DOC...and should ONLY taper using Sub.
Yes, tapering with a DOC takes some serious self control...but also...Sub may not be an option for a lot of people....due to money alone. To me...the manner in which recovery happens isn't nearly as important as the aftercare and support they receive.
Fentanyl...I know you only have the best of intentions...and your posts are very uplifting...but people going thru recovery have to be honest with themselves too. Positive thinking is great...but part of recovery is the bad stuff too....for instance...thinking about how much a person spent on their addiction. You'd view that as negative thinking and to not "allow yourself" to beat yourself up. Sometimes those processes are just as vital as the detox itself. There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel...and working thru those feelings is a HUGE part of the process, IMO. We cannot just force ourselves to think positively and pretend all of those bad feelings dont exist. I'm sorry, it is just unrealistic.
Lady...I know you are in a vulnerable place right now, and especially when it comes to your hubby...you fear losing him will just knock you down that much more...and let's be honest...loved ones of addicts DO have their breaking points.....sometimes enough is enough for them....so you do what you need to at this moment.....and I agree that coming clean to him when maybe you're in a better place may be the best thing. I would never say that you shouldn't tell him at all...but I also understand that the reality of losing him is very real....and of course you have to think of those kinds of things.
Keep doing what you're doing, it's a long road...but with support and perserverance...you'll make it.
"You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea."
I totally disagree that a person shouldn't taper with their DOC...and should ONLY taper using Sub.
Yes, tapering with a DOC takes some serious self control...but also...Sub may not be an option for a lot of people....due to money alone. To me...the manner in which recovery happens isn't nearly as important as the aftercare and support they receive.
Fentanyl...I know you only have the best of intentions...and your posts are very uplifting...but people going thru recovery have to be honest with themselves too. Positive thinking is great...but part of recovery is the bad stuff too....for instance...thinking about how much a person spent on their addiction. You'd view that as negative thinking and to not "allow yourself" to beat yourself up. Sometimes those processes are just as vital as the detox itself. There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel...and working thru those feelings is a HUGE part of the process, IMO. We cannot just force ourselves to think positively and pretend all of those bad feelings dont exist. I'm sorry, it is just unrealistic.
Lady...I know you are in a vulnerable place right now, and especially when it comes to your hubby...you fear losing him will just knock you down that much more...and let's be honest...loved ones of addicts DO have their breaking points.....sometimes enough is enough for them....so you do what you need to at this moment.....and I agree that coming clean to him when maybe you're in a better place may be the best thing. I would never say that you shouldn't tell him at all...but I also understand that the reality of losing him is very real....and of course you have to think of those kinds of things.
Keep doing what you're doing, it's a long road...but with support and perserverance...you'll make it.
I'm sorry, I am REALLY trying to get the lengths of my postings down! I am very passionate about these issues and our recoveries, sometimes I just start typing and dont realize I have written a novel until I look up 15 minutes later!!!
You GOTTA get that niece out of your life at all costs. We addicts have a hard enough time with the tempting voices in our own heads, much less when it comes from the outside. Change your number, get a restraining order, ANYTHING! Any human being who knowingly trys to prevent someone from recovering from drug addiction is pathetic, and I am sorry if that offends you, but when I read your posting and what she said to you, it made me sick. This isn't a game like she sees it - IT IS YOUR LIFE.
Also hun, PLEASE make sure you have absolutely NO access to ANY opiates. I have a feeling you might have some to aid in W/D. If you have some in the house, and are beginning your recovery and sobriety today, you are not commited 100% or being honest with yourself, I am truly sorry if that comes across as rude, I am trying to help, I promise. The only reason you would have to keep pills in the house is if a part of you, and it only has to be 0.00001%, wanted to have them there as a crutch in case W/D get too hard. You can't have any idea of failure in your body. I failed 7 times that way when I was addicted to pills 4 years ago. Each W/D attempt I had a few pills in the house for "emergencies." Of course you are going to rationalize an "emergency" during W/D!!! Us addicts rationalize anything & everything! When I cleaned out everything on the 8th time - I made it out. You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea. but you are free to do as you choose. Sure, its possible and has been done, but we are here to give you support so you have the BEST chance at recovery. The day you begin your sobriety, you create a wall behind you and need to completely leave everything behind. Use all the remedies and support here to tough it on through. Everything will be OK!
~Fentynl_Fanatic
Also hun, PLEASE make sure you have absolutely NO access to ANY opiates. I have a feeling you might have some to aid in W/D. If you have some in the house, and are beginning your recovery and sobriety today, you are not commited 100% or being honest with yourself, I am truly sorry if that comes across as rude, I am trying to help, I promise. The only reason you would have to keep pills in the house is if a part of you, and it only has to be 0.00001%, wanted to have them there as a crutch in case W/D get too hard. You can't have any idea of failure in your body. I failed 7 times that way when I was addicted to pills 4 years ago. Each W/D attempt I had a few pills in the house for "emergencies." Of course you are going to rationalize an "emergency" during W/D!!! Us addicts rationalize anything & everything! When I cleaned out everything on the 8th time - I made it out. You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea. but you are free to do as you choose. Sure, its possible and has been done, but we are here to give you support so you have the BEST chance at recovery. The day you begin your sobriety, you create a wall behind you and need to completely leave everything behind. Use all the remedies and support here to tough it on through. Everything will be OK!
~Fentynl_Fanatic
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