Confession time

[lady67]

I haven't been on here for a really long time because I am so very ashamed.  I screwed up really bad this time, and I am beginning to think I am past the point of no return.  I have a family friend who got in touch with me and at the time, I had no idea she was using hydros.  Anyway after a few weeks of visiting and talking she told me.  At the time I was having really bad issues with my brother and my olderst child was leaving for college.  I blew it and started using again.  It started out slowly, (like all addictions), but before I new it I was a full blown user again.  I have been using since approximately 6 months ago, but I have been using ALOT and I need to stop.  I have had this stupid stomach flu for a couple of days so I am basically going through the same symptoms of withdrawls and I decided to stop cold turkey since I was sick already.  I am so scared my husband will find out right now.  I have always been honest with him and he knows about my problem, just not the relapse.  I am terrified he will not go through this again with me.  I have been praying all morning, and I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel a wave if calm over me right now.  The cold sweats have lessened and I am able to think clearly.  I SWEAR I WILL DO IT THIS TIME.. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.

I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls.  I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them.  If I take one will it help?  I hope you guys don't hate me.  I now have to go to my tracker and change it.  I think that is the hardest part.  When I see that number go back to one.  On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.  

Have a good one, I will be on all day.

[gizzy32]

Congrats on your first day of freedom again:) Its ok to be weak, but it's not ok to use. You will feel so much better in a few days and we are here for support. Hope your feeling better soon lady

[dominosarah]

You know this is a safe place for you and we are always here to help.  Dont forget to take vitamins or the amino acids and get out and get some exercise.  Are you going to do anything with aftercare?  I hope you will as it really is vital to our recovery.  Keep posting and welcome home lady......You can do this!!!!   Stay strong and stay true to yourself.       sara

[lady67]

It is good to see someone who understands what I mean about coming clean with the hubby,  I am also a VERY impatient person.  I tend to fly off the handle and say and do something stupid.  I don't want to do that, I want to do it right this time.

Last night I took my last hydros, so I am determined this time.  I haven't gotten them from a MD for the past year because of the letter I had put in my chart, requesting nothing be prescribed to me.  I still feel safe there, I just have to find a way to break the ties with my niece because she can always get me what I need.  I kinda got pi$$ed at her yesterday when I told her that I was quitting this time and she "no you aren't, I know you too well."  Basically she has no faith in me, and I can see why.  I also must admit she was my downfall.  I was going along great until she moved back to my hometown.  She has absolutely no intentions of stopping and I know for a fact that she uses alot more than hydros.  I have never used anything other than the hydros and the sleeping pills.  I have been off the sleeping pills for 20 months now and I have no desire to use those again.  But my niece even made the statement that she wanted me to take something and get really messed up and I would never want to quit.  That told me right then to get the he!! out of there and not have any further contact with her.  

So, I took my last pill yesterday and everytime I feel the need to call her to get something, I am going to get on here and talk to my "true" friends.

Thanks Guys

[lady67]

Nah, he isn't a computer guy, and when he comes in from work, he is so tired he can't sit down without falling asleep.  I promise you guys I will talk to him about it and I will be totally honest with him, I just don't know if I can handle his reaction and go through withdrawls at the same time.

[dominosarah]

Would he come to the forum and look around??

[lady67]

Thank you guys for the kind words and comments.  I am going to try my best to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on.  This morning when I started thinking about the amount of money I have spent on the drugs, I literally hated myself.  I was always able to say before that I never bought the pills off the street or from a dealer, but I can't say that this time.  I spent more money than I can even imagine.  When I started thinking about it, I ended up getting mad at myself and popping a d@mn pill, or should I say several of them.

I truly appreciate the words and those of you who think I should immediately talk to my hubby about it.  I do know that it will make me feel so much better by being honest with him, but he has gone through this with me a couple of times, and the last time, he said it would be the last time.  He said no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it again.  I am definately going to be honest with him, but I feel like I need to show him progress before I tell him.  If I do tell him now, our relationship may end and I can't stand the thought of losing him.  He has been in my life for 27 years and I know if I lose him, I will go off the deep end completely.  I did start a journal a few nights ago in which I was totally listing all my feelings and honestly writing how much I used and why I felt like I had to take something.  When I get over the withdrawls, I am going to sit him down and give him the journal and let him read it and see where my mind is.  

Everyone's advice was good and I thank you for it, but I know this man and I know that he is serious.  I think if I tell him now while I am trying to go through the withdrawls, the emotions will be high and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and I don't want to blame him for any of it.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  

Well, I gotta run to the grocery store so  I will catch you guys later tonight.