Day 1

[ribs2k]

I haven't been looking forward to posting this. So many people believeing in me and supporting me, but I slipped up yesterday and I can't lie. I have seeked out more treatment and prayed alot, but all I can say is that I am starting over and I am going to do my best. Day 1
Randy

[jc1002]

Hi Randy,
Seems like you might be in somewhat of a pickle.  This is ONLY my opinion.  But I see a couple things.  First of all, I dont believe you are ready to give up the pills.  I believe you want to, but you dont want to give up the feeling you have when you are on.  (understandable)  Second point, if you are ready, just dont taken them.  What if you loved the taste of diet coke, and right now you were so thirsty you couldnt stand it, and there in front of you was an ice cold diet coke filled with broken glass.  Would you drink it knowing that it would rip your insides apart?  NO!  Think of these pills the same way, sure they make you feel good, but they are killing you on the inside.  You and YOU ALONE have got to be strong.  Thats what it boils down to.  Until someone forces your mouth open and shoves a pill down your throat YOU are in control.  Easier said than done because of those silly things called emotions and depression, but seperate those out for your healths sake.  I am sure that you have been through some horrible pain before.  You dealt with it.  Do the same here.  It really boils down to making that decision and doing it.  No more, no less.  Yes it will hurt, yes you will be subjected to enticement, dont give in, why, because RANDY decided and what he says goes!  period!!

much love  and this was just MHO
jc

[ribs2k]

Thanks all.
I appreciate it.

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

Randy huni as long as we. Keep trying we haven't lost the fight babe you can do it its hard as you know but bub u n ur body has been thru alot over the last few months keep ur head high huni ur a beautiful person and amazing soul my friend stay strong ya medhelp family is here for u. Godbless big hugs n love aj xoxox

[Pat1956100]

Good luck on Day 1.
You can do this.  Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I know you want this Randy.
It isn't easy but I don't think you are going to be happy unless you quit.
Just remember, you aren't going to take a pill today.  Don't worry about tomorrow.  Worry about today and today you aren't going to take a pill.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Pat

[vicki595]

Hey Randy-  I sure feel for you! With all you've had on your plate, I can understand why this keeps happening to you. But you know what? As I've read through and followed your journey here, I've noticed that your thinking improves each time you fall. So, all has not been in vain, in my opinion.

You see, it does not matter one damn bit if you relapse as long as you keep trying. You will eventually get there. I know you will. I think part of the trouble is that you need a lot of time to do this and you're just not giving yourself a realistic goal, given your particular situation. It's not a race and if you make it one you're just shooting yourself in the foot!

Have a good long "Come to Jesus" meeting with yourself and be honest. Are you really ready for this?  Think about it honestly. Sometimes we keep falling because we're not quite ready and I think that's what has happened with you.
I could be wrong though...

Anyway, I wish you well and admire you greatly for continuing to post and for being so honest with the forum. It's very hard to fess up once let alone several times!  You're pretty strong and, as I said, you'll get there.Just keep it real and tweak your plan a bit.  I'm watching you!!  

Good luck, my friend.

[ribs2k]

Thank you Stacy. You are right. I am not giving up and I appreciate you reminding me of the positive. I will beat this.
Thanks,
Randy

[Stacy_Lynn]

What i think is a positive for u to look @ is even though u have failed a few times through this journey u always seem to realize it & try back @ it again. When u stop trying is when i'd be worried. Not that you shouldn't be concerned now just trying to see a positive in this & this is what i've noticed. You know what to do & need to just do it! Your worth it, but u r & having been going through cancer for peat sake so u deserve a little lead way. I have faith in u & u should to! Just keep swimming & fighting for Randy & one day u will be on here guiding others with ur story. Love & prayers! Stacy

[ribs2k]

Thanks Jackie!!!!!

[Elmijack15]

You can still call or text me when you need to, I'm still here, that's alot of pressure to put on yourself! 2 weeks and everything will be fine?!! Doesn't work that way, these things take time. Quit beating yourself up, if someone gave me a 2 week deadline to get my life in order I'd feel overwhelmed really. You tried, you messed up, talk to your psychiatrist it's not the end of the world. Lots of people try and fail, you'll be ready when it's time. Hugs!! Lots of hugs!!

[Sonrissa]

There is always hope! Do not give up! I still have hope for you and me and all of us who are struggling!

[ribs2k]

Thanks Jackie,
When I was given the 2 weeks off from work I felt pressured to cure all of my problems right now. The problem is ,it doesn't work like that and I wasn't ready. Thanks for being here right when I needed you!
Randy

[Elmijack15]

Hey there Randy, just wanted to say hi! I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this. It's not easy, only you can decide what you really want to do. Maybe you're not ready, talk to your psychiatrist and be honest and get their input on how to proceed. We're all different and what works for one may not work for another. You have to want it or it won't happen.
Hugs to you my friend. I'm here for you.
Jackie

[ribs2k]

Ouch. That is honest but scares me. Maybe there isn't hope for me. Honesty *****.... I don't know what to do.

[Sonrissa]

Randy, I agree with ImDONE in this case! I simply do not know how you will be able to go to work and face this guy every day and stay clean! Especially since now you say that you were the one to seek him out this time to get your pills. Do you see the confusing messages you are sending this dealer! First,  you tell him not to give you pills when you are week, and in fact you tell him to lie to you! Then he refuses to do that, to lie to you! Then you move your desk to get away from him, and then while you are off work, to detox, you seek him out and get more pills! I simply don't know what advice I can give to help you! Prayers is all I have at this point! I hope someone else who is smarter than I will help out here!

As someone, who is well respected here has often said, death waits for us at the end of this terrible road! Death is patient, and always lurking for it's chance! Please don't die Randy! Time to find another job, perhaps?

[ribs2k]

no tomorrow is day 1

[ImDONENoMore]

Is today still day 1?  I don't understand.

[ImDONENoMore]

What do you mean?  You used again today?

Randy - what makes you think the situation is going to magically change when you return on Monday?  I don't know what to say now... honestly, I'm not sure I understand anymore what's going on here.  You say you want to quit and yet you maintain a relationship with this person at work.  How the hell do you think you're going to avoid him with your in full-blown detox on Monday?

Help me understand, Randy.  I'm at a loss.

[ribs2k]

  Yes I got the pills from the work dealer again, I was driving to visit my dad and he is on the way,(totally my fault seeking him out).
Completely off subject :Funny story, I spilled my guts to my boss and told him I needed time off to detox off of pain pills that I have become addicted to,(earlier post). I also told him I was being supplied by someone at work, that is why I moved my desk. It has to be clear who it is as there is noone closer to me than "Cody". So boss decided to give me the 2 week "Hiatus" to recover. He actually is a reasonable guy and understands I just got through 6 months of Chemo treatment and struggling through putting my dad into assisted living and gave me the time to get my head straight, but also explained I will need to prove myself upon returning in order to keep my job. Well, a fellow engineer found a better job and decided to leave our company immediately. So... suddenly my value became better recognized and they want me back tomorrow,(Wednesday). This throws a wrench into my detox plan but makes me feel better that my job is secure. Apparently they seem to be not concerned about having a dealer working for them, so that is something I will have to work out on my own. By the time I get police involved I could be in just as much trouble as him. My point is, it is my responsibility to not approach him.
So I told my boss I can't come back until next week. This gives me 5 days to physically detox from the pills,(as I used again today). So... my hurdle as it stands, is to go back to work on Monday and not approach the dealer,(no matter how badly I feel on day 6 of withdrawal). So... as I see it, the ball is in my court. Suck it up the next 5 days mentally prepare and start the suffering tomorrow. I need the strength to stay away from Cody on Monday. 1 day at a time. So this is where I stand. Aftercare is a given. I have found a decent AA meeting I like. I also have you guys.
Thanks for sticking with me and being concerned. I see how much you empathize with my situation. I can't make any promises but I truly want to get clean 1 day at a time, and this is where I stand. Thank you for the prayers! I need them...

Randy
  

[Sonrissa]

This is my opinion and the others may not agree, and that's ok cause I still have a ton of respect for all of them! If you truly want this and you are really ready!  First of all, you are now off work for 2 weeks right? So you have no access to this dealer guy now, right? You will not see him for approximately 2 weeks, right? You do not have his phone number to call him, right? OK, then use this time to physically detox from the pills! Get through it! Then, when you return to work you tell this dealer guy, that you have quit! Over, done, amen! You tell him that if he approaches you about pills, you will to to your boss and turn him in! If your boss doesn't do anything about it, then you go higher until something is done! If, after all that and he still approaches you, then I would call the cops! The thing is you must also stop approaching him when you feel week! This is an extremely difficult thing to do, which is why you must want to be clean above all else in life! You must be truly committed and truly ready! You will need to look inside yourself and be completely honest! If you are not completely committed and not ready, then you are not going to follow through and you will continue to put yourself through this over and over again! I know that this is the most difficult thing! I completely understand how hard it is! The hardest thing I ever did was flush my pills, but it was also liberating! I can't tell you how many times I've thought, crap! I wish I never would have flushed! I don't know what else to say except I pray for you every day! I will be here to support you no matter what! I can't stand to see you struggling so hard! I wish you the very best!  By the way, was the dealer the one who gave you the pills this time? I may have missed something.

Again, this is what I personally, would do and not everyone will agree! Others may have better suggestions that will work!

[ribs2k]

Man I don't know that I deserve all of the support and love but I appreciate it. I have definately burned the pharmacy and Family dr routes of getting pills, but this guy I work with continues to be a persistant "easy access" dealer for me. I asked him to tell me he is out if I ask for any and he said, " I won't lie to you, you know I always have plenty". He even told me he was worried about how many I was taking while he was taking my money and giving me pills. This is my fault and I am not making excuses, but I don't know how to burn this bridge... We sat very close to each other at work and I finally was able to move my desk. I even told my boss at work I had a substance abuse problem and I need some time off of work to take care of it, and I am supplied by someone from work, that is why I moved my desk,(without giving him his name I made it obvious who I got the pills from). I can't rely on this source going away so I have to figure out how to have the strength not to seek out the pills. I guess easy access will not be my excuse.
Randy

[thewaz]

"I get by with a little help from my friends"  Beatles.  Crank it.

[Fireby29]

Randy, look man, we have your back know that.  I relapsed four times also since January.  All I can do is point to my own experiences, and I am on day 47 for only one reason.  It is not aftercare, prayer, worry about my health, reaching a "decision" to quit, or suddenly disliking opium.  (I only reached day 15 or so previously).

While all of that has stuff has real value, some of it more to some then others, I am clean for 6 weeks because early on I made is hard as hell to get pills.  So now, when I get weak, when I would get to that point that caused a relapse, I can't get any and I get through it.  I am finding my desire to protect that clean time with each day is also growing.  Sure, I was also sick of the appointments, counting pills, and these things controlling my life.  But I felt that way in January too.  So again, what is the difference?  I'm now labeled an addict, and I cannot get pills.  I never did the dealer thing, but telling your pharmacy is just as hard, or at lest I think so.  If someone called me now with pills, I like to think I would tell them to go jump off a bridge.  Now if someone put some in my hand?  No, I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna get there, you WILL too.  

Bryan

[samari]

Although u slipped up, u made great effort b4 that  so u already have accomplishment under your belt, so just as the others have said,  keep pushing u got this! :D

[jc1002]

Randy, You slipped up.  You were on the right track and fell off the horse.  The important thing is that you jump right back the horse and ride her again.  We are all imperfect, incapable of doing everything right all the time.  Take this as a lesson and use it to your advantage.  This slip up in some way can make you stronger, just focus and use it that way. Its awesome that you came here and fessed up.  Shows something about you!  You are a good, strong willed person.  You can do this.  Dont let this little tiny slip up ruin your progress.  Lets do this!!!  I know you got it!

jc