Do you want to be my De-tox friend?

[intothedarkagain]

Hi everyone,
I am not sure I am a fluke or what. I have a very special habit. For the last few months I am experienced what I would call a total downward spiral. My dose was about 300-500mg of oxy snorted daily. More if I could get my hands on it.
That’s how much it took to feel normal. I haven’t got a buzz in months. I am trying to fight the dragon. Needless to say I have a problem. I doze out in public, with friends; I have run out of excuses. I fell asleep and crashed my car. I have officially become a danger to the community.
I have de-toxed 37 times in the last 10 years. Each one of them hold a special place of misery in my heart. Yesterday I started my 38th time.
Every time it feels worse than it did before. I feel like am going to die. I am afraid to seek help because what it would do to my reputation. Not that falling asleep in public doesn’t get the whole thing away.
Does someone want to be my de-tox friend? That is what I need right now.
I feel like I am going to die.

Sincerely,
quickdraw from oregon

[intothedarkagain]

Last night was a dream for me.
Day four, yes.
I stayed up till 3 then it happened....sleep.
silence.
nothing.
I didn't feel anything.
Just dark.
and sleep.
I have, we have, done it.
JT don't be tempted.
Pull it together and try to look sqaure.
You can do it.
Don't take them.
If you need any help me just give me a ring through the PM.
We are so close.
Things are still pretty rough, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was three days ago.
Rock and Roll.
Joshua from Oregon

[jt808]

i kno man its just like im suppose to be the god father and i dont kno if ill be able to hold it together in front of EVERYONE all my family and friends im startn to get a panic attack i thnk i cant stop thnkn bout if i ruin there first kids critining, i gota try and keep it together.

[bucksfan]

JT man dont think that buddy! Remember to smile and appreciate the small things listen to some motivational music and look at that date I told you to write down. Feb 27th, 2009. Picture yourself then compared to where you will be tom, you can do it. Take a vitamin, walk, get some good food in ya and a nice hot shower. Please dont resort to pills its not the answer. If you can go tom without the aid of pills in the middle of WD's imagine what your capable of doing once you are past the WD's. Once again my friend, Tho I walk through the valley of death, I fear no evil............

[jt808]

whats up man good 2 hear frm ya sounds like u had a good nite im glad 4 ya man its good to get out an about. i forgot about my god daughters christing tomorow morning i dont kno what 2 do bro i mean i cant do it like this and i gota my heads spinning i keep teln myself to get a few pills to look normal tomorow, idk wht 2 do

[intothedarkagain]

Look! coming up on day four.
It feels like a lifetime since I wrote the first post.
You guys made it happen.
JT hang in there man.
everything is going to get way better in a little while.
Today was a great day.
Everything in the universe is opening up.
I am ready.
Joshua From Oregon

[jt808]

huy just wanted to let u kno of a song that ive been listening too thought u mite like it kinda makes sum sense with what were going thru, its rodney atkins-if your going thru hell. i reccomend listening 2 if ya can. and id appreciate any othr songs u thnk have helpd u cause mucis def helps me theu this. i kno u guys are bust so when ever u get a chance. hop yall hav a good nite

[jt808]

ur rite my skin aint mine rite now it feels like sumones havn a fite over it and im just sitn here watch and feeln it happan

[jt808]

hey man good to c ya its ben a whil edeamos u seem to be doing great, i am not rite now i turned my phone on and i shoulnt of bad bad news always a txt away. but so far so good i turnded it off again just got me thnkin tho.

[Demons_Within]

Whats up guys< I am on like day 13 or so not exactly positive a he moment, I just need to keep my dominent thoughts on being sober and not going through what I went through ever again.  This is the farthest I have ever gone in my recovery with Oxy's and other pain meds, I feel happy with normal life for a change, and the Subs are working just shy of a miracle, eventually I am planning on tapering off of the subs but the doc said there is no rush, Good luck all, I will keep in touch, Keep it up JT,

Be Blessed and Well ~Demons~

[intothedarkagain]

Awesome to see you again man.
I glad you made it through the night.
I was right there man.
Boy did that stink.
We did it though.
Here we are.
I am on day three, feel a little better than yesterday, and I am looking forward to day four.
I can't wait in fact.
Everything is going really well right now.
I have you guys to keep me in line.
Any new insights from last night JT?

Joshua From Oregon

[jt808]

i just couldnt bring myself to type cause how aweful i felt but i got the strength now just seeing how yall r doing good to hear u being so positive i could sure use it rite bout now.

[intothedarkagain]

We have made it DAY THREE here we are.
When I woke, or should i say quit trying to sleep, this morning, I was a bit in the dumps.
Then I came to this forum and I got my wind back.
I can't tell you how much all of your kind words are reprogramming me.
Things aren't as bad, when I know I have a group of like minded people there to support me.

In time I will become the support and the cycle will continue.

This has, hands down, been the best experience I have ever had on the internet.
Nothing can come even close to the strength I find in bucks, jt808, christine, eagle, christine, nrecovery, sway, wonderwhat, discretekarma, gizzy and the rest of you.

You guys are so rad, you have no idea.

Thanks to you my mind is starting to find a new way to think.
Now I am starting to think about what I am going to do INSTEAD of getting high.
I have made plans, goals, said I love you to relatives, burnt all of my connections.
This is something that I haven't done in years.
It feels like I have put my life on hold for these last few years.
I just pushed the pause button for a second time, and the tape finally feels like it is rolling.
In the past every thing came second to getting 'fixed'.
(Who every came up with that expression?
Wouldn't a better expression be getting "broke".
That word covers both money and mind.)

I digress.

Today is going to be a big day for me.
I have made plans to leave the house.
Not for a few minutes, but the entire day.
Right about I am wishing I didn't make any plans,
but I know tonight I will be happy I moved around all day.

I consider my process here, and my drug experience as a whole, as the tempering of steel. Hot cold Hot cold.
My mind is getting stronger.
I am not ashamed anymore.
In fact I am a little proud.

Sincerely,
Your brother in the mountains,
Joshua From Oregon

[bucksfan]

Hey Friends,
I am still here just wanted to pop in real quick and say I am proud of yall. Intothedark and JT I truly think you guys are going to make it this time. The attitude is amazing, I am witnessing something special.

[intothedarkagain]

It is great to hear from you guys.
Here we are.
Day three.
Wow.
What a trip this has been.
Repleat with ups and downs.
Right now I am in a bit of the downs, but I am sure that will go away when the sun comes up.
I have a hard time keeping the moral high when the lights are out, and I can't sleep.
I bet you know how that is Sway...right?
My mind is right...and that is all that matters.
Last night was really hard for me guys.
That one hurt me a bit.
I didn't cave.
I won't because of you.
Joshua

[sway1]

don't know why i thought your name was christine. must have been one of the responses you got. sorry. day 3 here too. also not sleeping. want to take some benzos but they tend to make me do stupid things after a few days. i am awed at how many people picked up your thread. that's great. lets you know you are in the right place. good luck. peace.     sway

[intothedarkagain]

I did it!
Day three.
I met day three wide awake.
I don't know when I am going to get any sleep.
It will be soon.
You can't live without it.
I know I am not going to die...it just feels like it right now.
I love you guys.
Thank you so much.
Joshua From Oregon

[intothedarkagain]

I'm here.
Like I can sleep anyway.
Who am I fooling.
So you are fighting it hard right now.
I am too.

My legs.
I hate feeling like i need to go somewhere.
I kick and kick.
sweat.
cold.
sweat.

I am here for you.
JOshua

[jt808]

hey guys i just got back on i feeln lik sht and kno if wont slp nite its hitn me hard now, talk u all later ill prob b around if anyone up. have good nite all

[intothedarkagain]

O.K. guys I am going to try to sleep now.
You know how that goes.
I will be up in about two hours…if I am lucky.
When you talk to me again I will be on the tail end of this demon. Day three. Yess!
I can’t wait to have it in my rearview mirror.

Sleep well my friends.

I am with all of you.

Joshua From Oregon

[intothedarkagain]

Did I mention I play music.
That is one of my biggest triggers.
I use to write music for big television shows.
Those times are past.
They went up my nose.

Now I write songs about fighting an enemy I love.

See also,

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=443356240

I hope this helps someone out there tonight.
I know I need help.
I will be up all night if you want to talk.

Joshua From Oregon

[intothedarkagain]

Upon hearing bucksfan's advice I went out tonight.
I went to a dinner with my brother, sister, mom, and dad.
We drank soda and milkshakes.
I was sweating, and shaking, but it was a truly blessed evening.
For some strange reason, maybe its because of this site, I had the gift of gab.
I was clever.
You have no idea how happy that makes me...to know that I have wit...and it isn't just the pills.

Rock and Roll.

bucksfan,
I do think a miracle is taking place.
When I read about people, who live hundreds of miles away, having the same struggle, it gives me strength.
I now have strength to beat this not only for myself, but to help you guys.
I am living through hell right now.
With no help.
I am taking it square on to show everyone that you can do it.
No methadone, no suboxone, no clonodine, nothing.
Just will, and sweat, and bananas.
I am going to make myself and example for all of you.
I know that by reading my posts the odds are all stacked against me.
i mean really 37 times....that is a lot of failures.
but for some reason I think I needed all of those in order to get my mind in the right place.
I have never tried talking to anyone who knew what I was going through.
I just holed up in shame.
Now i know I am not alone.
I think I knew all along, but I was affraid to ask.

right now, with all of your guys I feel better in my head than i have for years.
I am not just saying that....and I am not being emotional...
I am not drugged.
My legs hurt, my heart is pounding, and all i want to do is call someone to fix all of this,
but you know what....i haven't wanted to call that terrible number all day.

You know why?

Every time I start to feel that way I get on here and start talking to you guys, which is why I have posted about 100 times today.
It is getting better.
I smiled the whole time at dinner.
it was like i knew something cool was coming, and no one else even suspects it.
I know that in about a week, the new me gets unveiled.
Hell the new me was unveiled tonight....
Complete with the quakes, shakes, and cold sweat.
The only difference was I had a clean mind, and a clear objective.

I was also pulled over by a cop on the way home, and I got to look him square in the eye.
If I was pulled over last week, I would be in jail.
How is that for being blessed.

Everything in the world is at peace for me right now.
bucks, jt808, christine, gizzy...thank you more than you ever know.

Joshua from Oregon.

[jt808]

u def dont have to apoligize for the long post i was on the edge on my seat man thats sum scary sht dude wow u really gota make ya thnk like i gota get my sht together cause i may not get another chance u literlly escaped death and u wer4e meant to be here for somethng important not just help us but even bigger and i cant wait till u get what u were meant 2 be here for its gona be big but i gota say im glad u r here not only here but here with us helping eachother thru these dark times.

[intothedarkagain]

My girl knew.
She was very tight lipped about it.
The really close circle I think knows something up.
They can tell there are two different mess.
One bent, the other straight.
I am coming up on finishing my second day.
I am getting pumped just writing this to you.
Third day is going to be a breeze compared to today.
It in no way could get any worse.
Then again I got to rid in a caddy, and go tanning today, both of which are bad. a.s.s.

I am trying to get clean without coming clean to any of my friends.
My parents know the score.
My doctor knows the score...well kind of.
I don't want this to be a giant black mark on an otherwise blemish free life.
Then again who am I joking with.
Blemish free life.
Yeah maybe four years ago, before I started using.
at least back them I was making mistakes on purpose.

Man one of the turning points for me was when I crashed my car.
I fell asleep in my giant Mercury.
The road swept to the right.
I, being asleep, drove straight.
I felt the car unload as it went over the cliff.
You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you are on a rollercoaster.
I opened my eyes when I felt this and I got a second to look out the front window for a second.
Nothing but trees.
In that moment it felt like time stopped.
I knew that were I was at was a direct result of the choices I made.
At that very moment the whole game, my life, was out of my hands.
It was in his.
The roulette wheel had been spun and I put everything on red.
I tore through about 15 tree before I stopped.
When I came to the car was taking on water.
I had to kick the side door open and climb out.
The drop off the road was about 20 feet.
It doesn't sound like much, but try doing that 20 drop in a 17 foot long car going 65.
I cut off traffic on my way off the cliff.
If there were kids walking on the shoulder I would have killed everyone.
I would be writing this from jail.
I came out without a mark.
The crash pushed the engine up into the dash.
I don't know how I lived.
I guess there is a reason right.
He left me here and took so many others, who were making better choices, for some reason.
Maybe the reason is so I can talk to you.
You know, get you through this.
Me helping you get through this is what is getting myself through it.
Sorry for the length of this post.
I ramble.
Joshua From Oregon.

[bucksfan]

I am going to workout, work, golf and fish. I am going to travel back north to see family and appreciate the small things. I am really glad how much your attitudes have changed from when you first arrived. Maybe a small miracle is taking place. Maybe a few strangers, miles apart stumbled upon this site and comforted each other. These strangers found light in a time full of darkness. Though we will never meet we may have put a permanet impact on each others life that will change us forever. Hopefully one day years from now when we are loving life and the sun is shining bright  you will glance up to smile at the sun and at that moment you know that each one of those strangers from that site we stumbled upon are doing the same thing.