Do you want to be my De-tox friend?

[intothedarkagain]

Hi everyone,
I am not sure I am a fluke or what. I have a very special habit. For the last few months I am experienced what I would call a total downward spiral. My dose was about 300-500mg of oxy snorted daily. More if I could get my hands on it.
That’s how much it took to feel normal. I haven’t got a buzz in months. I am trying to fight the dragon. Needless to say I have a problem. I doze out in public, with friends; I have run out of excuses. I fell asleep and crashed my car. I have officially become a danger to the community.
I have de-toxed 37 times in the last 10 years. Each one of them hold a special place of misery in my heart. Yesterday I started my 38th time.
Every time it feels worse than it did before. I feel like am going to die. I am afraid to seek help because what it would do to my reputation. Not that falling asleep in public doesn’t get the whole thing away.
Does someone want to be my de-tox friend? That is what I need right now.
I feel like I am going to die.

Sincerely,
quickdraw from oregon

[gizzy32]

You did it! I hope this is the last time you have to go through w/d's. What has caused you all these relapses in the past? Seeking help is very difficult, it took me a long time too, but that is what it takes. It takes accepting we are powerless and with a recovery plan and some type of aftercare we no longer have to live this way. Just wanted to welcome you again, many here are in the same shoes as you. What are you willing to do to get and stay clean?

P.S. If you look in the top right, you will see health pages and in there you will find the thomas recipe which can help ease w/d's. There is also the amino protocol. Good luck.

[bucksfan]

Hey Bud, I am 5 days clean. I was taking 40mg of Codone a day at only 5mg doses. In 4 years I have quit about 8 times never lasting more than a few weeks. My Physical WD's are never that bad because of the low amount I take so my battle is MENTAL. I will be posting here daily for as long as I can. I will be more than happy to talk to you. goodluck. There are better days ahead my friend please trust me even though it does not seem feasible at the moment.
Bucksfan

[intothedarkagain]

I have a strange situation in the fact I don't have to pay for the drugs.

I have chronic pancreatitis. It is just terrible, but it is intermittent. Well I am sick, I am really sick.
The problem came in the form of really good insurance, and a loose writing doctor. He would write me a script for however many I wanted. I didn’t have to pay anything, what a losing combination…right? My average was about 100-200 30mg pills a month. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but I would end of using all of them in about 2 weeks. After that point I was off to the streets to find more. I would spend all of my money. Sometimes I could stay on that cycle for months, without being straight. Every once and a while, things fall through and I get to visit Detox.
The only person who really knows the score is my girlfriend, but she is gone now. She got tired of the empty promises.
Now I am left to myself, which hasn’t proven too good. I have no one I need to impress with my sobriety. I go ape crazy, it’s like I have no limiter or something. I take more and more and more, until I pass out. I am chasing something but I just can’t quite get it. Right now I feel like hell. Really I am sure you know what I mean….right?
Quickdraw    

[intothedarkagain]

Thank you so much.
It is so nice to be able to talk to someone who has felt the same way.
What were your reasons for quiting?

quickdraw

[discretekarma]

I know how you feel. I've been dealing with something similar. I hurt my back at work. I've been on Oxy, Opana, Kadian, and whatever else.  Workers Comp paid for it all.  Nothing out of my pocket. I've also crushed them all and put them up my nose.  I'm trying to stop so I don't lose my wife. It's hard since I still need them for my back.  I know how you feel though. I also think that detox/withdrawal is the worst.  Feel free to send me a message if you want.  Where are you from?  Let me know how you feel. Keep posting. It really helps.  

[illadelphia984]

Today's my first day clean, and I'd love to be your detox friend. :)  I'm an opiate lover: everything from vicodin to oxycontin. Lately it's been percocet and vicodin. I, too, feel pretty bad today, but just remember that it's only temporary. "This, too, shall pass" is a bit cliche, but it's absolutely true.

Given the amount you were consuming, I'm guessing you're going to go to an actual detox facility. Is that right? I'm going C/T and it blows. Luckily (not really), I'm prescribed 2mg of xanax er 4x a day, so that's been helping a bit with the jitters. I just can't shake the chills. I've been cold all day, but I'm trying to hang in there. I wish you the best, and I'll be sure to pop in often to see how you are. :)

-Christine

[bucksfan]

My reasons...geez which one. This time I am being selfish. I am not quitting for anyone but myself. I want that feeling of loving and living life vs being a couch zombie. I am starting a new career and I am still in my mid 20's. I want nothing more than to be a succesful business professional making lots of monies, having a family and seeing my father and mother being proud. Not that they arent already b/c I am succesful now but not as much as I could be. My whole life I failed to reach my potential. I blew a guarenteed sports career to hang out with friends and party. I blew college (and I am very smart) because of a girl. I WILL NOT BLOW ANYTHING BECUASE OF THIS HABIT. I vowed from Saturday forward that I will no longer have regrets on choices I have made. I will fully believe in each decision I make and follow through with it! I believe the real happiness in life is when you realize that living is really  a gift. Just live your life man, go out do things you never thought you could. Remember we get 1 shot at this, lets make the best of it and pill does not allow that to happen. Think of being at peace and smiling at a sunset or a rising tide, or catching a bass, hitting a good golf shot or seeing a loved one smile every time you crave. It will bring tears to  your eyes yet it will take the craving away. I believe the world has it wrong. We are not the weak ones! We are the strong ones b/c we stepped into hell, yes we got banged up, yes we have scars but my friends we walked out of HELL on our own 2 feet. We beat adversity back. We beat the odds. From this experience you will build character, show a testament of your will power and make you believe you can accomplish anything. Yes my friends we are the strong ones not the weak ones! I would gladly have a addict who fought and recovered by my side than someone who has never seen the like of HELL>

[intothedarkagain]

Nope. No Detox center for me.
I can’t do that, if I do then everyone will know.
This is the main reason I need a Detox friend.
It would please me to avail to be your detox friend.
Here we go into day one.
How are you feeling?
Do you feel anywhere near as bad as I do?
I feel like I am going to die.
I can’t sit still.
Swear.
Imodium-AD.
You know how it goes.

Quickdraw

[intothedarkagain]

Yes you are right.
I couldn't have said it better myself.

My parents know something is up. Everyone does, they just can't put their finger on it.
By all accounts I am a successful person. I am in graduate school.

It is all a lie. I am in a wreck, and it is all I can do to put up the proper face.
I should quit for myself.
The only probelm is I am in the middle of WD right now.
The only thing I am thinking it how I can stop from feeling so bad.
Aside from thinking nice thoughts do you know of anything that isn't another vice that helps.
It there anything?
Sincerely,
Quick draw

[illadelphia984]

So what are your plans on detoxing? Are you going cold turkey like me, or are you doing a taper?

I'm feeling better now than I was earlier. I'm at work right now; this morning was okay to start with, but then the cravings started coming, and they kept getting worse until my mind was consumed with the thought of "just one more time..." I even picked up my phone to call my dealer, but put it back down because I can't do this anymore. I've been an addict since I was 18, tried oxys when I was 20, and now here I am, 24, and still struggling with the same problem. Bucksfan hit it dead on: we only get one chance at life. This isn't a dress rehearsal. If we don't get clean now, when will we? We're blessed to even be alive. Every single one of us.

And Bucksfan: Your post almost brought me to tears. I remember my last time trying to get clean, and I was starting to have that clarity that you speak of: just being happy to enjoy nature, enjoy my family, enjoy BREATHING. We're going to get there, Quickdraw.

[intothedarkagain]

Wasn't that a great post Christine? I thought the reason it almost brought me to tears was because I was emotional. Now I know it was just good writing.

My plan: Cold Turkey.....

Does it suck: Yes

Was it a choice: No

I know that is not the right way to enter into a period of sobriety, but I make my best choices when I am WD. I hate feeling this way. I hate it so much I don’t ever want to feel it again, but for some strange reason every time I get clean, I feel so good I want to get high again.
I do have only one weapon in this fight against serious WD, a four day weekend and pot.
I am not sure if taking time off was a good idea, because sitting around is such a drag and it almost makes it worse, but I knew I couldn’t fake being cool doing what I do, so I called in sick.
What are you going to do?
How do you feel?

[bucksfan]

Here is what I do:
Workout,Take mulit Vitamin, Take Amino Acid, I am ADHD so I take my Adderoll,Eat Healthy, Get an Ipod hooked up with motivational, inspirational music. Take hot showers and take IB Profin for pains and aches. Get good sleep or as much as you can.

[intothedarkagain]

What kind of Amino Acid would you recommend?
What kind of working out do you recommend?
I do usually work out so I don’t want to got hit some iron and be both sore and WDrawing.
Does the vitamin, IB,  and AA really help?
Quickdraw

[bucksfan]

intothedark,

Yes be active! I am my own boss and have a home office. In my office I have LCD TV with 3 gaming systems. That is the root of the evil. When I took pills I would game or watch movies. Its sad cuz I was so active and good at sports, but the pills made me sit there and game game game. GET AWAY FROM ANYTHING YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE USING> GET OUT THE HOUSE! Laying there only makes it worse IMO. With that said the first day for me I couldnt get out of bed. Please get some good music going. Something that makes you want to really beat this. It helps so much. I leave my house once a day and listen to music in the car for an hour while I drive out to the beach and just ride up and down oceanfront roads. It really is amazing how lucky we are and how much beauty we choose not to see or appreciate.

[bucksfan]

I found them to. For the first few days I would suggest walking a mile. That will release natural endorphins as well. Then you can start hitting the weights. BE DETERMINED! Post here, you have no idea the relief you get by typing words to strangers who are fighting the same battle.
Also on the forum page in the bottom right is something called the Thomas Recipe. I believe most use that and it helps, nothing is going to make this easy nor should it. I posted a few days ago I wished my WD's were worse so I would not be tempted so easily. I promise you  on everything dear to me that it does get better. I believe that because of this you will appreciate a sober life more than before you ever took your first pill!

[illadelphia984]

My plans are to get as much support as possible (hence, my signing up here), drink plenty of fluids (I have cranberry juice at home; I hear that helps at cleansing your system), eat healthy (even though I don't really have an appetite now), get some moderate exercise, and smoke pot (that's something I don't think I'll ever stop, but you never know) to ease the WD's. I agree with Bucksfan about the music. Music is one of my greatest passions (I listen, but don't play anything... yet), so that definitely helps me. Sitting around will only lead us back to where we were: active addicts. We have to divert our attention elsewhere, even if that means doing things you wouldn't normally do. Hell, I've been in a fog for so long, I even have to get to know who I really am. Maybe that's a good place to start, huh? ;)

[bucksfan]

Yep, and you know what you might just surprise yourself on who and what type of person you are.

[intothedarkagain]

I am going to take you advice.
I am going to leave the house for a few minutes.
I don't really know were I will go, but at least I will be going somewhere and not just sitting here.

Maybe I will go to the YMCA.
I still have a membership there.

My problem wasn't games, but movies and music.
I play music, so it is really hard to not play the piano without wanted to be high.
Movies are really hard to because I have so many good memories of sitting in front of a big screen and feeling content.
Which is the inverse of how I feel right now.
I need to leave.
Your are right.
I have to go somewere.
I will be back in a little while I hope you are still here when I get back.
In the next few days I am going to keep everyone posted with my progress, I am going to win this.
I have done it in the past, and I can do it again.

Sincerely,
JS

[illadelphia984]

Good on you! I'll be leaving work in about 10 minutes, but keep going strong! You're damn right you can do it again. I sincerely hope you feel better and pray we'll both be able to get some zzz's tonight.

[bucksfan]

Hey Bud, I will be around. I check the site every few hours. WTG get out of the house! Appreciate the beauty.

[Tom7128]

Hey I know how tough detoxing is, I have 7 days clean today after spending 20 years on methadone. Believe me I have thought about giving up many times these last few days, no sleep, I can't stomach any food and when I do I've got to make a mad dash for the toilet and when I get there I don't know if I'm going to go or trow it back up. It also feels like a cement block has settled permanently over my head, having a conversation with someone that goes beyond saying 'hi, I feel like ****' is out of the question right now.

I have one thing going for me and that's the reason why I am going to get through this. I have built a foundation in NA. I have a sponsor and support from other recovering addicts. In my experience this is the best advice I can give you. Go to a meeting and tell people what your going through. If you can ask for help you will get it there. When they say 'one addict helping another is without parallel because only another addict can best understand and help another addict' That is powerful stuff and take it from me, it is true!

They way you wrote about your addiction to oxy's and how you felt at the end, you could of been writing about me. The only difference would be substitute dope for oxy's and you told what it was like for me. On the computer there's a site called intherooms.com which is all for and about addicts seeking recovery. You can do this, just ask for help. I did and that's why I'm going to be alright

[intothedarkagain]

I’m back from my walk. I walked 5 miles to an abandoned park.
As I walked my legs burned and I felt like I was going to puke, but as I got farther and farther from my origin the pain turned to something else. I started thinking about everything I have done to keep this pet addition of mine alive and I was overcome with guilt. This is the first time I have ever talked to anyone about having a problem. It feels nice to have people to talk to.
I understand what you are saying about going to an NA meeting, but I don’t think I can get away with it. I live in a small town, and word travels fast around here. To compound the situation I work in a profession that does not allow situations like this. They wouldn’t understand. So it feels like I am forced to face this alone. I want to go and talk to people in person, but I can’t have this effect my life any more than it already has. As of right now I still have a job and a loving family. I would like to keep both.
With this I am presented a problem. I have said to myself I am going to stay clean a hundred times over the years, but I forget so fast. Every cycle seems to be getting more and more desperate. I don’t know how I am going to live through another one with the way I feel right now. I keep telling myself that it’s a secret, but I am pretty sure the cats out of the bag to the people close around me. I think you are right.
I need to figure out a way to get help.
The cycle cannot continue.
You friend in agony,
JSmith

[bucksfan]

Awesome about the walk, and if you cannot go somewhere then stay here. This can be used as NA. Just log and read posts and post once a day, it helps tremendously. I really feel your pain bud and wish I could do something about it. Just know you are not alone. I am past the worst part but still feeling the effects as well. If it gets real bad please do not hesitate to contact someone close to you. Coming off OC's may differ than coming off of Codone.

[intothedarkagain]

It is so nice to hear from you.
You are right, for some reason reading about other people’s problems makes me feel like not such much of a dumb-***.
I hate who I have become.
This is not how I planned on celebrating turning 30.
What a drag. I keep wanting something to make me feel better, but every time I have ever done that it makes me forget about it so much faster. I think there is almost something more effective about having a terrible WD. I read about in the Permanent Midnight guys book. He said he hated Suboxone because it made it too easy to quit.
I have started to sneeze and cough a whole bunch. My legs hurt. I can’t set still. I don’t want to eat. I want to sleep, but every hour I sleep during the day is one I can’t sleep at night.
I tried taking benedryl to sleep, but when I wake up I feel even worse and half asleep.
I want to know where Christine is at this right now.
From past experience I have found you can tell how bad a WD session is going to be by the first few hours, and this one so far feels like a doozey.
How many days are you clean again bucksfan?

Sincerely,
JSmith