Feeling like i cant go on..

[Loveliveshere]

Im miserable. Sorry i havent wrote on here for a while but been busy working a lot at my new job. Everything was good at first & i was clean & i was able to work through the day. Its been keeping my mind off of things but keep relapsing because i feel empty without my son. Ive been seeing him at visitation & im so happy when we are together but its when i have to say goodbye to him is when its hard. It breaks my heart when i tell him i love him and have to let him go & he runs to my ex mother in law. Its tearing my up inside & the only thing that helps me not think about it is work or using. I spent my first half of my check on pills which is what i was afraid i was going to do & i did. I feel like i have no support. My parents i feel like they support me sometimes but i called them the other night & told them i didnt feel safe at home & they wouldnt even come home. I didnt feel safe because when i was  out driving in town the girl that beat my head in last month that i used to buy pills off of came at my car & started chasing my car. I just laughed at her & flipped her off. Shes the reason this is happening because if she hadnt beat me up i couldve got joint custody of my son. But after the fight they changed it to visitation & watching everything i do. I feel like i have no life anymore, i dont feel safe in my own home bcus of her now. Shes dangerous i shouldve seen it before & never met up with her that night. I always make sure the doors are locked & even put a chair up to the doors just in case. Its that bad. I was beat up & my son was taken away from me again. I dont think its fair. Im also scared bcus im suppose to have a hair follicle test a week before we go to court again & im afraid the vicodin, xanax (which im not addicted to but took bcus my anxiety was so bad i only took 1), & adderall will show up. I have a job now & trying to get me & my son our own place but what if im doing it all for nothing since i wont be able to pass the hair follicle test? What am i going to do? Im so alone & i know yall will say go to treatment but its too late for that now :( i cant lose my job or miss my visitations with my son if i were to go to treatment so idk what else to do. Im just lost, scared, & lonely. Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if that girl will be there to bash my head in again for good or worrying about the ppl in town going to the courts saying im doing this or that. Yes ive done wrong but a lot of what ppl is saying about me are  lies too. I just want my son. I want to find my own place for me & my son to where we will be safe & i can keep him safe like i always have. Im very protective of him & i think everyone knows that but i have to keep proving myself to everyone. Im also scared of working & going thru withdrawls at the same time. My life is a complete & total mess & i feel like my son is slipping away from me everyday. I dont know how much more i can take. One day i feel like i can make it thru, the next i feel like i cant. Its just so hard. I keep thinking if i do try to quit now & if my hair follicle test still came back dirty if theyd still give me a chance? Im trying so hard i just feel like ppl keep knocking me down. My exhusband hasnt lost anything. He has my son now but the whole time he puts him off on his mom, my ex mother in law. Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom. I want my son with me. Im sorry tgis is so long just had to get this off my chest. It felt so nice after i got thru the withdrawls & i was clean after a week but i still felt empty especially with my son not around. I understand at this time i need to get myself together & get better for my son before i could ever get full custody but thats what i want. The state i live in is for joint custody anyway. I just want to get off vicodin & adderal completely but i feel tormented when i dont have any. I wish things were different & i didnt feel this way. I need hope & i need my son. Please continue praying for me. I have to get thru this for me & my little boy. Ive felt like giving up but i dont bcus of him :( i need some advice that will get me thru this..i feel like i dont deserve all these chances ive been given. my heart is broken with my son & i walk around work acting like im happy & ok when im not.

[Loveliveshere]

Thank yall so much for the prayers! Yall have been so good to me!! And sonrissa im still using but not like i was before..had half adderall the other day and one vicodin..now im taking tramadol bcus they always help me to taper off. Im trying my hardest to quit it all tho. Its just scary like yall already know it is :( yall know how much hell it is to go thru withdrawls. But i get the hair follicle test the middle of november. Im scared for that too i dont want the adderall toshow up especially ive heard it could come up as meth. OF course my exhusband went around saying i was doing meth but ive never done meth in my whole life. I never would. Its always just been pills..always been my safe place i guess even tho i know they arent. MY son and i had a great time today. My parents took us out to eat and we went played at the park. He smiled and laughed the whole time and didnt want to leave me :( it breaks my heart to hear him say "mommy" and him not wanting me to walk away but its the courts thats say i have to..if it were up to me id hold him and never let him go. I missed my meeting tnite bcus my dad had to have blood transfusion today too. Its just always something it seems. I just want to have 1 good full day again. I wont have that i know until i get my son back & im clean. And purrfectly thank you i know yall are just trying to help and yall def have helped me a lot. I can tell a difference in myself since ive gained a little of my weight back. But ppl come into work and say how depressed i look..i wouldnt look so depressed if my life werent so messed up. I cant take my little boy anywhere now unless the supervision lady is with us. She sees how close we are and how happy he is. She sees i dont let him out of my sight and how protective i am of him. Im just worried i wont be able to find a place and wont be able to pass my hair follicle test. Ive done everything else theyve asked me to do. Im working myself to the bone, going to meetings, going to visits with my son on time. I feel like if i keep going ill get him back but what if im doing all this and in the end i dont get him back? I wont be able to take it. I dont mean to be negative but just want it to all work out. And yall do feel like a family to me! Thank yall for hanging in there with me and putting up with my whining though haha i try not to be this way ive just never been this out of control of my life before..i have but not to this extent. This has been such a nightmare but hoping since im trying to quit now the adderall wont show up on hair follicle test. Its been all ive thought about its consuming me and making me so worried. When im not thinking about how much i miss my son i think of the test. Or if im going to be able to stick to my job. Or how all of this is going to turn out. I need the prayers & i will pray for yall too! Ill keep yall posted like i have been!

[saspan]

llove i started detox ONCE AGAIN 4 days ago. i was really in the dumps bad, but thru prayer and these beautiful people on this site i,m doing much better. you have a lot of stress right now , concentrate on you getting better thats what you need to do before you can make things right with others. it will fall in place for ya just believe in yourself and get all the support and aftercare you can. REMEMBER you,ve got to work out before anything else will work out. good luck

[gnarly_1]

Hi ...well your in a jam but you need to see your part in it I agree with Sara on this one you need to get your life back together I delt with cps and they are all bissness they will cut off all ties with visitation if your not clean you need to do this for you though your life depends on it if you want to be a mother to your son it is up to you to do the next right thing  for starters you can start treating the addiction by joining N/A it will help you become you again without the fog of drugs this is life or death this illness only gets worst with time if left alone it is a progressive illness im sorry if I sound harsh but my words are going to be nothing compared to loosing all visitation to your son you can do this is you want to  but it is all up to you the world is not out to get you your putting yourself in dangerous situations and will continue you to until you stop  we are a loving compassionate bunch but some time you need to here the way it is without candy coating it  I will walk to the end of the world with you to help you but in the end no one is holding a gun to your head your eating the pills on your own  time to change..........Gnarly

[dominosarah]

Why not put the energy into getting off these meds.  You seem to be putting so much energy into this hair follicle test.  Bottom line is if you keep using you WILL lose custody of your son,  

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

With all the hell my hubby & I have been thru lately I keep saying to myself "positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative".  I truly believe that!

[kellygirll]

Back in jan when I first tried to get clean everyone on here said you gotta tell your husband I said that's not an option you gotta go to meetings not an option I had relapse after relapse finally in June I told my husband and family about my pill addiction went to meetings was clean for 35 days everyone said you need inpatient again not an option FINALLY I got REAL *** honest with my self worked my *** off saved 4 grand got 2 from my dad and went away for 30 days BEST frighin 30 days and 6 grand ever spent see I had every excuse like you ask these people they will tell you and I completed my 30 days yesterday and I'm on my way home with my son so it CAN be done if you want it bad enough you will find a way or you will end up dead true story I hope you do what you need to do for YOU get your azz ckean girl