Looking for support living with an addict

[Wantoutbad]

I just found out that my husband has been using coke and that he wants to stop.  I am also in a position where we have been married for 6 years and he has always lied to me about something...and the money situation is awful.  We had it out two nights ago and agreed to a year separation - three weeks where he stays with a friend who has beat the addiction and then at our house.  

We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...

I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost. There is no Co-Anon where I live, so I'm totally on my own since he made me promise not to talk to any of my friends or family about the situation...

[wannabefree330]

There are alanon meetings online but welcome here. Do you have an EAP or social worker/counselor you could find in your area to talk to?  You will find help here as well.  I am sorry for your situation.  Sounds like the separation is a very wise decision!  If he has been using for that long, you probably don't even know him ....the sober him.  You may find that once he gets sober, and works on staying sober you either are much more attracted to him, or totally turned off by him.  This is going to take a good amount of time.  The lying, sneaking and money issues are all part of the drugs.  If he is serious about getting sober and staying sober, that all may go away.  He will need you now more than ever, but you don't have to enable him anymore.  He is a grown man, and he got himself into this mess. Make him do the work to get himself out....while you find help for yourself.  Good luck, and welcome to the forum

[joann1975]

Well,  you have to have support from somewhere... you could try Al-Anon... I think it's ok even if it's not alcohol.

I am sorry I got confused do you mean he will come home in 3 weeks and you will still stay separated? Have you considered couples counseling?

I am not sure what to say b/c I am the addict in my marriage and would hate to tell you to bail....however, I came clean to my husband on my own... is that what he did or did you catch him?

There are alot of people...just a little slow right now... but there will be lots of support here! I am happy to chat with you I am just afraid I don't have the right words for your situation.... sorry....I wish I did....I wish there was no addiction!!

This forum is great though!
JoAnn

[joann1975]

wannabefree....Great Post!!!

[Wantoutbad]

He came free to me this time, but the last time a friend told me about it.  We went through couples counseling a year ago, and at that point he agreed to stop drinking, which lasted for about 2 weeks....now I never go out with him because I can't stand being around him when he's drinking.  If he drinks at home I stay in the bedroom.  Pretty sure that means he just doesn't give a **** about the fact that it bugs me, although he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.  My father is an alcoholic and has been for my whole life...my mom tells me stories of how I held his hair back when I was 3 so he didn't throw up on it and he himself has told me stories about taking me to the bar when I was a baby cause it helped him pick up chicks.  Needless to say, I have A LOT of my own baggage (which usually means nothing in our fights).  The biggest thing I hear from him is that I don't understand because I've never been addicted to anything and that it's my fault I don't understand what he's going through and that I'm a horrible person because I want to leave him because of it instead of being supportive (as you can read, there is a lot of stuff going on here).  It really has helped just to be able to read posts from other people and to be able to talk about it....I talk A LOT to my friends and family about absolutely everything that bothers me, so this has been really hard.  I haven't spoken to him in two days at this point.

To answer the question about the separation, he will move back home in 3 weeks, but he will stay in the living room and we will try to "date" and find eachother again and see if we can make it work...at least that's how I envision it, not really sure what he thinks is going to happen.  

WHOO!  That was a lot to say!

[wannabefree330]

Well how convenient for him to switch the blame and accuse you of being a horrible person and not understanding what he is going through?  Typical of an addict.  When in reality he doesn't realize it affects you just as much.  You may not have personal experience of being an alcoholic or drug addict.  So what?  Does that mean if you were one that you would continue to watch him commit a slow suicide?  Don't allow him to turn the tables on you.  My ex used to do the same.  I finally started saying to him..."this is not about me Troy, it's about you....and the choices you are making that are affecting both of us."  If you are willing, tell him that you want to support him however you can in getting and stying sober.  But, you will NOT support him in any way if he chooses to continue using.  Make it clear that it is a CHOICE he makes everytime he drinks, or every time he uses.  Set some clear boundaries with him, and make sure he knows what the consequences will be if he crosses them.  I hope in the next 3 weeks he gets really serious about quitting, and knows that recovery is a life long commitment.  He will need the help of AA/NA and sites like this to stay clean.  Sobriety doesn't stop when you stop using, its just the first step.  I'm glad you have people you can turn to for support.

[Wantoutbad]

I'm really glad I came across this site. I finally was able to say that during our last discussion. The one thing I am positive of is that at the end of the three weeks (or whenever he is clean) he will have to attend meetings every week and I will verify that he attends...I don't intend to try this time with pretty much a guarantee of relapse...everything I have read about coke addiction states that because of it's underlying causes it cannot ever be really stopped without continual support. At least we have no children (I was not interested in it) so the only one involved is me. Emotional stuff is so much harder to deal with.  If he hit me or something that would be easy to leave....I am definitely going to talk to him about the drinking when he speaks to me again, because I also read that beer seems to be a trigger for a lot of people - and it really limits where we can go and what we can do....I can't go to his friends, and I don't invite him to mine, because I just won't deal with the whining about him wanting to drink while I'm there.  Mostly I'm just talking at this point....I am definitely a talker it really helps.  Yeah, the guilt thing is a real killer......I don't want to just "wash my hands" of him after 7 years, but it sure feels like what I should do sometimes....

[Wantoutbad]

His other favorite line when we are arguing and I am telling him how it affects me is that I'm being self centered and it's not all about me - that he is dealing with a serious problem that is all about him.....drives me nuts!

[joann1975]

Ok...first...I agree w/everything wannabefree says...how dare him turn the tables on you? I am an addict and I Do NOT blame my hubby! I don't blame my mom....but she is a trigger so to speak....anyway... please don't take it personal when he says the mean stuff to you b/c it's the alcohol and dope talking. I've said some unbelievable stuff to my husband out of nowhere... like packing up leaving over minute things... I do understand the baggage and I am sure it's possible the thought has crossed your mind that you are attracted to men like your Dad?

Stick around here... maybe he will use this site or read on it?? Any chance you think?

If you ever want to chat I am here you can PM me!

JoAnn

[Wantoutbad]

I'm not looking for the right words, just people who have experienced similar things to help me stay sane and not feel like I'm in the middle of an ocean on my own while he has support.  So far you and wanabefree330 are just what I needed...if I can't talk to people about it I just get stuck in my head and go around and around and get depressed and withdrawn and miserable...and regardless if I want to help him or not, that's not a healthy mind set to be in.

[joann1975]

No it's not! We are glad to talk to you.... I am glad you aren't looking for the right words b/c I just don't have them.... but I am a good listener...

Do you have kids? I have 1 boy 20months.

[Wantoutbad]

Nope.  No kids.  I actually was so aware of the fact that I didn't want any (see the messed up childhood email I sent you) that I tied my tubes when I was 28.

[wannabefree330]

Addiction and alcoholism are both very selfish diseases.  He is all caught up in being a 'victim' of his own circumstances.  While he needs you to support him in getting clean, I think taking a firm approach might work best for him.  Now, this is only my suggestion, but i'd tell him 'stop playing the victim....you are a grown man, you make your own choices.  The choices you make about drinking and drugging don't only affect you.  ILY and I want you to get help.  I am willing to do whatever I can to help you get sober.  But I refuse to allow your poor choices to affect my life and my sanity anymore.  If you choose to drink, or take drugs, then have the decency to not come home and let me get on with my life!!!".  
One thing that took a while for me to learn, was whenever they turn it on you, to redirect the conversation and say, 'this conversation and this situation isn't about me....it's about you....the only one who can do anything about it is YOU'.  Now, you do have control over how you react to his decisions and choices.  This is where the standing your ground and the boundaries come into play.  Once he knows you are serious and not backing down, he'll know you are playing here.  When he brings up you being inconsiderate and him going through alot.......blah blah blah.......just say well,  that may be true, SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT???  
Stay strong girl!

[wannabefree330]

There are two GREAT books I read while i was going through this.  1) Emotional Blackmail by Susan Foreward and Donna Frazier; 2) Codependent No More by Melody Beaty.  These are awesome books and I highly recommend them to you.  The 1st one has great scenarios at the end and good ways to respond to some of the common arguments.  I got mine at Barnes and Noble.....Good luck

[Wantoutbad]

Thanks for the last post.  It made me laugh. I may very well use that at some point.  The only problem with part of it is that I've already told him I'm not sure I love him at this point....that really got to him.  Truth though.  You can only go through so much lies and ugliness for so long before you lose the feelings you started with....the only reason I haven't flat walked is the hope that someday, somewhere I can find that again...which is really dependent on me, isn't it?  I also told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay together or not - so he said he'd just go and call it quits, which I should have just accepted, but I didn't.  Guess I'm afraid of having regrets a year from now.  My first divorce was easy to decide...he pissed me off so bad I just wanted out no matter what it cost me.  Sad to say but I'm also worried about how to financially manage on my own...although with the recent difficulties, it's costing me more to be married that it would to be single!  And, of course, he pulls the whole "even if we are divorced you can't have any guys over to this house because it was OUR house".  So I will definitely sell the thing if it comes to that...I"ll be damed if I'll finally get the balls to leave and still have him controlling my life....:)

[Wantoutbad]

If it's not too personal, are you still in the relationship that got you on this site?

[marcatj]

well, i would get some support for yourself - al anon or co anon.. to try to figure out how to live with him if you think you want to stay.

as well, if you REALLY want to work it out, and you are already at this point (of not really feeling love for him) then try couples therapy.  it has worked wonders for many people.

you have to try something new, i think.  life's too short to stay in a loveless marriage. it would seem to me like alot of wasted years.

but again - if you want to give it another shot - really give it another shot - get some counseling for yourself AND as a couple.

good luck.. i know how not easy this is....

be well,
mj

[wannabefree330]

Well try not to think too far ahead.  Focus on building your self confidence and esteem up right now.  You can't do ANYTHING about his side of the street, but you can clean up your own.  Think about how you may enable his behavior and make lists if you must.  I fell out of love with my ex about the last 4 years of our marriage.  I kept thinking he would change....when i realized he wasn't, i tried to change.  I then came to the realization that I didn't have to change for nobody!  We were both living together, but going in 2 different directions.  I hope that things work out for you if you want them to.  But, for me, divorce was the best thing.  It taught me to be responsible for myself, not rely on others for happiness, and respect and stand up for myself and my beliefs.  I am MUCH happier alone today, than i ever was married and lonely.  Whatever happens, don't doubt your intuition.  If it isn't there, it just isn't.  Dont try to make something out of nothing, and don't wait around for it to appear.  Even if you decide to divorce and later on he gets sober, you can still be there to support him....if that's what you choose.  And, as far as you having people over afterwards, it's not his decision anymore?  You are an adult and can decide for yourself thank you!

[wannabefree330]

No I ended my relationship with the unavailable man.

[worried878]

I think i am like totally self centered at this point in my life!  LOL...married at 16 to a husband who cheated on me every chance he got...but he was never an addict....still...i will never ever put up with the same type of lying and cheating as i did and in a way it is the same thing....i later became an addict ...chronic pain but emotional probs too and one of my main triggers was my x.....i just posted on a post...and me in my position have no room to judge...but if i found out a guy was an addict after seeing what it did to me...i would run...it can turn a wonderful person into the most low life possible...like a roach!  i hate roaches but that is what addiction is like...u creep around and hide...and never amount to anything...and nothing will make u quit except u...no one else can...u have to want to deep deep down...and this thing never goes away...it always wants to haunt u and tempt u....i dont deserve it i am sure...but i would like/love to meet someone clean to share my life with...good luck and i hope ur hubby cleans up 4 u...so u 2 can be happy

[Wantoutbad]

Thanks for the post.  That is one of my biggest struggles that has nothing to do with him, really....my first husband accused me of cheating all the time (while he was cheating on me) and did coke.  I swore when I got divorced I would never be in the same relationship...and here I am 6 years after the first accusation and all the multiple ones that followed and 4 years after the first time I found out he was doing coke (which he supposedly quit until a few months ago)...I think that is the worst for me...feeling like I'm betraying myself.

[newmanagment]

read thru these post , not sure how much i can add, but i aint neva been known to keep my mouth shut. first of all, cocaine is a very mentally hard drug to kick, trust me i know. one of our first defense mechanisms is " i dont have the problem, you do" , we always flip it to make it seem its your fault and you dont understand. that is normal, it is his addicted mind speakin to try to gain control over you, and make u unsure if it isnt your fault. wut he has to realize is this.... WE are responsible for our OWN actions. someone above said we are grown *** men, and that is soo true!! we chose to hit the pipe or do that line, no one else does. when it all comes down to it, we are addicts, and the drug will use ne excuse to make us run back to using.
I think that him making you not mention it to friends or family is jus another way of controling his use. see , if you arent gonna inform ne one close to him of his problem, then he is still hiding it. my wife will blow up all my friends n fams cell phones when i am out using , u should consider doin the same. don let him tell u ya cant talk to ne one bout it, that **** don fly. tell him ya gonna tell eva one, they are gonna get calls when he is using, they are gonna know wuts up . it is an incentive to stay clean when all those people are tryin to help ya, as most fams and friends should.. ne way, i hate to type a book into ya post so im outie.....
one more thing, ya betta make sure ya love him totally, and you wanna be with him till death, cuz otherwise y not just bail?

[gizzy32]

you have gotten some great advice here. during the years i used coke i lied and lied about my use. i swore i was done using, but that only lasted a day or two. this is a very powerful drug and he needs aftercare, VERY VERY IMPORTANT. i suggest buying a urine test and u can check to make sure if he's clean everyday. when i was told once that i was going to be tested to see if i was using, it scared the hell out of me. just a thought and if he freaks that u want to test him, u got your answer right there if he's using.  good luck to ya

[Wantoutbad]

Thanks for the posts...I really like that other people who have used are giving me some posts and advice....since I don't know anything about addiction and he uses that against me, it does give me a different opinion from "his" point of view that I can look at. This is an amazing website and I cannot say enough how glad I am that I found it.

[wannabefree330]

I was sooo gullable there at the end of my marriage.  My ex had a bad coke habit.  When he used, he liked to gamble, and go to the stripper bars.  Eventually he started taking girls to hotels afterward.  In 9 months he blew through 60,000.00.  I was in such denial that I kick myself now.  I found evidence all over the place, and would tell myself....'oh that must be from last time'....He would use his credit/debit cards to cut it, so i would find white powder on his cards.  He rarely used razor blades cuz that was a dead giveaway.  He had a straw that he cut small enough to fit inside his wallet, stashed way deep inside one of the pockets-had to look hard for that one.  Phone records would show calls at really odd hours, and i started keeping track of days he would 'go with his friends for cards' or whatever.  Those days I could guarantee wierd calls on his cell phone when I got the statement.  His nose would run so bad, he would tell me 'its my allergies'.  He!! I was so stupid.  

If you are willing to help him through this, dive in deep.  Learn as much as you can about it.  REalize that his behavior and what he says to you is all because of the coke.  If he can quit using, and stay sober-you'll have your man back.  But this drug is one of the hardest to stop (as you can see above), it is dooable if you WANT it.  Not sure if he WANTS it though?  Just because you don't feel you love him right now, that may change if he makes better choices. Remember though, this is a lifelong disease and a lifelong commitment to aftercare activities to stay clean.  I hope you find the books, and they help you.  PM me whenever you want.