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Avatar universal

Looking for support living with an addict

I just found out that my husband has been using coke and that he wants to stop.  I am also in a position where we have been married for 6 years and he has always lied to me about something...and the money situation is awful.  We had it out two nights ago and agreed to a year separation - three weeks where he stays with a friend who has beat the addiction and then at our house.  

We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...

I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost. There is no Co-Anon where I live, so I'm totally on my own since he made me promise not to talk to any of my friends or family about the situation...
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Avatar universal
you have gotten some great advice here. during the years i used coke i lied and lied about my use. i swore i was done using, but that only lasted a day or two. this is a very powerful drug and he needs aftercare, VERY VERY IMPORTANT. i suggest buying a urine test and u can check to make sure if he's clean everyday. when i was told once that i was going to be tested to see if i was using, it scared the hell out of me. just a thought and if he freaks that u want to test him, u got your answer right there if he's using.  good luck to ya
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Avatar universal
read thru these post , not sure how much i can add, but i aint neva been known to keep my mouth shut. first of all, cocaine is a very mentally hard drug to kick, trust me i know. one of our first defense mechanisms is " i dont have the problem, you do" , we always flip it to make it seem its your fault and you dont understand. that is normal, it is his addicted mind speakin to try to gain control over you, and make u unsure if it isnt your fault. wut he has to realize is this.... WE are responsible for our OWN actions. someone above said we are grown *** men, and that is soo true!! we chose to hit the pipe or do that line, no one else does. when it all comes down to it, we are addicts, and the drug will use ne excuse to make us run back to using.
I think that him making you not mention it to friends or family is jus another way of controling his use. see , if you arent gonna inform ne one close to him of his problem, then he is still hiding it. my wife will blow up all my friends n fams cell phones when i am out using , u should consider doin the same. don let him tell u ya cant talk to ne one bout it, that **** don fly. tell him ya gonna tell eva one, they are gonna get calls when he is using, they are gonna know wuts up . it is an incentive to stay clean when all those people are tryin to help ya, as most fams and friends should.. ne way, i hate to type a book into ya post so im outie.....
one more thing, ya betta make sure ya love him totally, and you wanna be with him till death, cuz otherwise y not just bail?
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the post.  That is one of my biggest struggles that has nothing to do with him, really....my first husband accused me of cheating all the time (while he was cheating on me) and did coke.  I swore when I got divorced I would never be in the same relationship...and here I am 6 years after the first accusation and all the multiple ones that followed and 4 years after the first time I found out he was doing coke (which he supposedly quit until a few months ago)...I think that is the worst for me...feeling like I'm betraying myself.
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401095 tn?1351391770
I think i am like totally self centered at this point in my life!  LOL...married at 16 to a husband who cheated on me every chance he got...but he was never an addict....still...i will never ever put up with the same type of lying and cheating as i did and in a way it is the same thing....i later became an addict ...chronic pain but emotional probs too and one of my main triggers was my x.....i just posted on a post...and me in my position have no room to judge...but if i found out a guy was an addict after seeing what it did to me...i would run...it can turn a wonderful person into the most low life possible...like a roach!  i hate roaches but that is what addiction is like...u creep around and hide...and never amount to anything...and nothing will make u quit except u...no one else can...u have to want to deep deep down...and this thing never goes away...it always wants to haunt u and tempt u....i dont deserve it i am sure...but i would like/love to meet someone clean to share my life with...good luck and i hope ur hubby cleans up 4 u...so u 2 can be happy
Helpful - 0
536882 tn?1225512859
No I ended my relationship with the unavailable man.
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536882 tn?1225512859
Well try not to think too far ahead.  Focus on building your self confidence and esteem up right now.  You can't do ANYTHING about his side of the street, but you can clean up your own.  Think about how you may enable his behavior and make lists if you must.  I fell out of love with my ex about the last 4 years of our marriage.  I kept thinking he would change....when i realized he wasn't, i tried to change.  I then came to the realization that I didn't have to change for nobody!  We were both living together, but going in 2 different directions.  I hope that things work out for you if you want them to.  But, for me, divorce was the best thing.  It taught me to be responsible for myself, not rely on others for happiness, and respect and stand up for myself and my beliefs.  I am MUCH happier alone today, than i ever was married and lonely.  Whatever happens, don't doubt your intuition.  If it isn't there, it just isn't.  Dont try to make something out of nothing, and don't wait around for it to appear.  Even if you decide to divorce and later on he gets sober, you can still be there to support him....if that's what you choose.  And, as far as you having people over afterwards, it's not his decision anymore?  You are an adult and can decide for yourself thank you!
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