Looking for support living with an addict

[Wantoutbad]

I just found out that my husband has been using coke and that he wants to stop.  I am also in a position where we have been married for 6 years and he has always lied to me about something...and the money situation is awful.  We had it out two nights ago and agreed to a year separation - three weeks where he stays with a friend who has beat the addiction and then at our house.  

We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...

I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost. There is no Co-Anon where I live, so I'm totally on my own since he made me promise not to talk to any of my friends or family about the situation...

[marcatj]

well, i would get some support for yourself - al anon or co anon.. to try to figure out how to live with him if you think you want to stay.

as well, if you REALLY want to work it out, and you are already at this point (of not really feeling love for him) then try couples therapy.  it has worked wonders for many people.

you have to try something new, i think.  life's too short to stay in a loveless marriage. it would seem to me like alot of wasted years.

but again - if you want to give it another shot - really give it another shot - get some counseling for yourself AND as a couple.

good luck.. i know how not easy this is....

be well,
mj

[Wantoutbad]

If it's not too personal, are you still in the relationship that got you on this site?

[Wantoutbad]

Thanks for the last post.  It made me laugh. I may very well use that at some point.  The only problem with part of it is that I've already told him I'm not sure I love him at this point....that really got to him.  Truth though.  You can only go through so much lies and ugliness for so long before you lose the feelings you started with....the only reason I haven't flat walked is the hope that someday, somewhere I can find that again...which is really dependent on me, isn't it?  I also told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay together or not - so he said he'd just go and call it quits, which I should have just accepted, but I didn't.  Guess I'm afraid of having regrets a year from now.  My first divorce was easy to decide...he pissed me off so bad I just wanted out no matter what it cost me.  Sad to say but I'm also worried about how to financially manage on my own...although with the recent difficulties, it's costing me more to be married that it would to be single!  And, of course, he pulls the whole "even if we are divorced you can't have any guys over to this house because it was OUR house".  So I will definitely sell the thing if it comes to that...I"ll be damed if I'll finally get the balls to leave and still have him controlling my life....:)

[wannabefree330]

There are two GREAT books I read while i was going through this.  1) Emotional Blackmail by Susan Foreward and Donna Frazier; 2) Codependent No More by Melody Beaty.  These are awesome books and I highly recommend them to you.  The 1st one has great scenarios at the end and good ways to respond to some of the common arguments.  I got mine at Barnes and Noble.....Good luck

[wannabefree330]

Addiction and alcoholism are both very selfish diseases.  He is all caught up in being a 'victim' of his own circumstances.  While he needs you to support him in getting clean, I think taking a firm approach might work best for him.  Now, this is only my suggestion, but i'd tell him 'stop playing the victim....you are a grown man, you make your own choices.  The choices you make about drinking and drugging don't only affect you.  ILY and I want you to get help.  I am willing to do whatever I can to help you get sober.  But I refuse to allow your poor choices to affect my life and my sanity anymore.  If you choose to drink, or take drugs, then have the decency to not come home and let me get on with my life!!!".  
One thing that took a while for me to learn, was whenever they turn it on you, to redirect the conversation and say, 'this conversation and this situation isn't about me....it's about you....the only one who can do anything about it is YOU'.  Now, you do have control over how you react to his decisions and choices.  This is where the standing your ground and the boundaries come into play.  Once he knows you are serious and not backing down, he'll know you are playing here.  When he brings up you being inconsiderate and him going through alot.......blah blah blah.......just say well,  that may be true, SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT???  
Stay strong girl!

[Wantoutbad]

Nope.  No kids.  I actually was so aware of the fact that I didn't want any (see the messed up childhood email I sent you) that I tied my tubes when I was 28.