Looking for support living with an addict

[Wantoutbad]

I just found out that my husband has been using coke and that he wants to stop.  I am also in a position where we have been married for 6 years and he has always lied to me about something...and the money situation is awful.  We had it out two nights ago and agreed to a year separation - three weeks where he stays with a friend who has beat the addiction and then at our house.  

We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...

I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost. There is no Co-Anon where I live, so I'm totally on my own since he made me promise not to talk to any of my friends or family about the situation...

[Wantoutbad]

He came free to me this time, but the last time a friend told me about it.  We went through couples counseling a year ago, and at that point he agreed to stop drinking, which lasted for about 2 weeks....now I never go out with him because I can't stand being around him when he's drinking.  If he drinks at home I stay in the bedroom.  Pretty sure that means he just doesn't give a **** about the fact that it bugs me, although he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.  My father is an alcoholic and has been for my whole life...my mom tells me stories of how I held his hair back when I was 3 so he didn't throw up on it and he himself has told me stories about taking me to the bar when I was a baby cause it helped him pick up chicks.  Needless to say, I have A LOT of my own baggage (which usually means nothing in our fights).  The biggest thing I hear from him is that I don't understand because I've never been addicted to anything and that it's my fault I don't understand what he's going through and that I'm a horrible person because I want to leave him because of it instead of being supportive (as you can read, there is a lot of stuff going on here).  It really has helped just to be able to read posts from other people and to be able to talk about it....I talk A LOT to my friends and family about absolutely everything that bothers me, so this has been really hard.  I haven't spoken to him in two days at this point.

To answer the question about the separation, he will move back home in 3 weeks, but he will stay in the living room and we will try to "date" and find eachother again and see if we can make it work...at least that's how I envision it, not really sure what he thinks is going to happen.  

WHOO!  That was a lot to say!

[joann1975]

wannabefree....Great Post!!!

[joann1975]

Well,  you have to have support from somewhere... you could try Al-Anon... I think it's ok even if it's not alcohol.

I am sorry I got confused do you mean he will come home in 3 weeks and you will still stay separated? Have you considered couples counseling?

I am not sure what to say b/c I am the addict in my marriage and would hate to tell you to bail....however, I came clean to my husband on my own... is that what he did or did you catch him?

There are alot of people...just a little slow right now... but there will be lots of support here! I am happy to chat with you I am just afraid I don't have the right words for your situation.... sorry....I wish I did....I wish there was no addiction!!

This forum is great though!
JoAnn

[wannabefree330]

There are alanon meetings online but welcome here. Do you have an EAP or social worker/counselor you could find in your area to talk to?  You will find help here as well.  I am sorry for your situation.  Sounds like the separation is a very wise decision!  If he has been using for that long, you probably don't even know him ....the sober him.  You may find that once he gets sober, and works on staying sober you either are much more attracted to him, or totally turned off by him.  This is going to take a good amount of time.  The lying, sneaking and money issues are all part of the drugs.  If he is serious about getting sober and staying sober, that all may go away.  He will need you now more than ever, but you don't have to enable him anymore.  He is a grown man, and he got himself into this mess. Make him do the work to get himself out....while you find help for yourself.  Good luck, and welcome to the forum