I am back and terrifed and embarrassed

[deannalynne85]

If I could only have stayed focused on this I was reading through here and I would be well over two weeks clean.  On day three I ended up going to get a script thinking I would taper myself down.  Well that didnt work either....I was to embarassed to post anything but this is just crazy.  I was miserable w/d and I have been miserable the past few weeks....so this is it.  I HAVE TO DO THIS.....I am just so terrified.  Hell I couldnt even make it past day 3 before and to top it of i will be on day 2 of w/ds and starting a new waitress job.  I found this sight such a comfort and even made a few friends but then was just to stupid to talk to anyone about what i was doing and now here i am again.  I just honestly dont know if I have the strenght in me to do this......but I dont have the strength in my to keep living the way I am.....I am just lost and embarrassed and very confused.  Most of all I am just so mad at myself.  So dang mad.

[sunnieday34]

I'm sorry everyone for giving bad advice! I will never read on the run again!!! Sorry!!!, I meant well! You are brave and courageous! I still meant what I said about being an inspiration and so very BRAVE to have made that call. You are on the road, woman! Congratulations on your new life as a sober woman! All the very best to you!

[deannalynne85]

i threw them away this afternoon......at this point i didnt think five would make much of a difference.  When I started back on them on the third day it took that many just to make me feel normal and stop the w/d's.  I am an addict and as much as i want to taper myself i know i cant do it.  I just got a script on the first of 120 and have five left.  Shows ya how much strength i have to try to taper...lol.....and your right ENOUGH IS ENOUGH....i have lost everything that means anything to me over these stupid pills and this is my chance.  This is it.....i have to do this....new job, i will have the kids for the summer and hopefully they will be coming home in august.....but one of the stipulations is no lortabs.....yes, i started taking them for multiple different reasons. always prescribed and now here i am.  As i said i have lost my friends and familys trust over this.  My kids are 13 and 16 and I have been their primary caregiver all these years and there dad got remarried and wham they thru a custody battle on me and me not thinking I would lose didnt even think about the pills....they had pharmacy records and there was not one month that went by that i didnt go early.....soemtimes up to a week in a half early.  This truely I feel is my last chance.  I HAVE TO DO THIS AND I WILL DO THIS....lol...okay now you and pillsnomore are really rubbing off.....which is a good thing.....i know i cant beat myself up but if i just wouldve stuck to it i would be almost three weeks clean......but right now i havent hit the 24 hour mark and I AM GOING TO STOP clock watching.  I just went and unplugged the clock that i think is losing time anyway...lol....one minute seems like one hour when you are in this situation

[more0then0a0virus]

I agree w/TheBigEasy. 4 hours... that`s really something...

I heard that Valeriana might help with sleeping problems if you haven`t already tried it.

You are not babbling...

And it`s really great you believe in god. That can really help you...

I can just imagine how real WDs are. I mean, I have tried some opiates, like methadone and subotex, but that`s nothing comparing to you. And it was like 4 pills of methadone (i did that a few times during last two years) and day after I was sweating, throwing up, lying in bed all day and stuff, and from subs i end up in ER because I was throwing up my gall... much worse then methadone...

Hydrocodone... that`s like codeine(I tried it isolated few times)  and thebaine(buprenorphine or Subotex is a derivat)... I bet it`s really exhausting to go trough this. So, just keep going, because you are doing great... it`s really sometjhing to be admire of...

You will go trough this. You are really strong. You have already proved it by now...

Good luck...

[ImDONENoMore]

Yup - I'm with easy on this one too (even if you do refer to me as "maam"! lol) - definitely better to just keep going.  deanne - you can DO this - and easy's right - Friday is a few days away and it will feel great to be at a new job ready to continue your new life as a new person!  :)

[TheBigEasy]

New job = New Life WITHOUT the devil  

You need to look at it that way.  The new job will be the first day of the NEW YOU!!!!  What a great thing to look forward to and look back on.  You can do this!!!!!  

[TheBigEasy]

Sorry sunnie...I disagree with the taper and starting back up.  She's already gone this far.  Putting the devil back into her system now will only delay the inevitable.  She's made the right decision.  Friday is a longgg way away for this process.  I felt 10000% better after my 3rd day and so will she.  Make the decision to stop and STOP.  Throw the damn pills away.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.