Aa
I'm in Trouble
This is a really hard post for me. I havent done anything,,yet. I guess you can say that in my head Ive pretty much relapsed. I feel like its only a matter of time before I take a pill. I cant seem to get any right now. Yes, I tried. I feel like I am in a downward spiral again. I have trouble getting up in the morning. I cant carry my weight with work. Im struggling in all areas. Im overwhelmed. Ive been to NA and I just sit there. People have noticed that in the past few weeks I dont seem to be "myself". All I want to do is sleep. I'm self medicating with Tylenol PM , I take it in the morning so I can go back to sleep and as soon as I get home to go back to sleep. I am enjoying some time with my hubby and we have been doing some things together. But all I want to do is sleep and not face the world. I dont know why I am doing this,,,again. Im medicated-Cymbalta, Lamictal and Seroquel. Ive been taking my meds although I have missed a few doses. I know. 253 days today. Im willing to throw that all away. I dont get it. What do I do now?
I sit here balling my eyes out. I feel so...depressed, aggravated, fustrated, miserable. Am I really back to square one? How did I get here again. It was going so good. No I have not taken any pills and have no way of getting any. But, In my head,,Ive relapsed. I really feel like I have. My husband keeps asking " Did you do something, you dont want to tell me about?" "Whats bothering you?" I dont KNOW!! I think that I am bored. During the week all we do is work, eat and sleep. We ride our dirt bikes on the weekend. I come home from work, finish work and then go to sleep. Wake up for a bit then go to bed. I think the baby thing is really bugging me. We have been trying and nothing is happening and that scares the hell outta me. What if I cant get pregnant. Im so afraid and ashamed. I feel/felt so ready to move on to the next chapter and nothing has happened. We are mostly drama free now that the court/custody crap is over with. Of course the mother blames me for everything. Then my step daughter goes to spend time with her and bad mouths me. Then we get a nasty letter from her lawyer-blaming me for all this stupid sh*t that I dont do. We have it all really. Great jobs, nice cars, home, money in the bank most of the time, bills are paid. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I should be happy. I know that I cant wait till Aug 6th to get seen. So we are heading up to the hosp tomm evening to go thru intake. I feel like a big baby. Feeling sorry for myself. I will say that battling addiction every day, is tiring. Then I get mad because I have to. I have to make an effort in being sober and sometimes,,it *****! I will never be free of this. I will have to face this everyday for the rest of my life each and everyday. But what is the alternative. F*ck it all up and lose everything. The addiction in me says " It will be fine" the sober part says "Are you f-ing NUTS" I definately think there is a chemical imbalance going on. My hubby locked up the meds and guns. He knows the routine. God Love him. I just dont feel good. I dont know how else to say it. I feel like my heart is broken. Today I did not use and tomm isnt looking good either. :) But one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Back to basics. I feel mentally like I am back to square one. This time this hit really fast and hard.
Please be honest with your doctor about your use of Tylenol pm I just looked up the drug interactions of your meds and the Tylenol pm has moderate interactions with all especially the seroquel. Can you try to stop taking the tylenol pm until you see your doctor. Your AD may not be working and may need to be adjusted or changed at this time. I don't think this is related to your use of narcotics as its been so long since you stopped but it does sound like you're clinically depressed as you want to sleep all the time, something is bothering you that you haven't figured out yet and you're thinking about relapsing as that was your escape in the past. Don't do that, it will not get you to work on what's really going on. That is not the solution and you know that. If NA isn't working try one on one counseling but I think your Tylenol pm use is making things worse. I'm glad you can't get any pills and I hope you never do. Keep moving forward you've come to far to go back now.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way to clear your mind so that you see things more clearly.
Glad you posted. Now stop it and go get right :)
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way to clear your mind so that you see things more clearly.
Glad you posted. Now stop it and go get right :)
Im doing Ok. I slept all day. But Im up and hanging in there. Im going to get my a$$ out of bed and get some things done around here. Try and pull myself outta this hole, slump, whatever...Thanks :)
Where oh where has the bkitty gone...where or where can she be..la la la
Either you come back and post or I will keep singing and honey---it ain't pretty!!! Let us know you are okay.
Either you come back and post or I will keep singing and honey---it ain't pretty!!! Let us know you are okay.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You can run, the thing is you cant hide. Get yourself to the doctor my friend. Once you get to feeling better emotionally things will fall into place and the fight you are dealing with in your head wont be there like this. You have to surrender to win~~
You need to be seen and you know it. This is a classic depression and it's approaching severe...it's such a huge trigger for using and it's so out of your control, I know. Support is important here. Talk to your husband some more. Ask him to help you in any little way. You need comfort and kindness and understanding. You need a hug...
IBK is very wise, so read what she wrote once again- Are you alone? If so, stay right here and keep posting!
IBK is very wise, so read what she wrote once again- Are you alone? If so, stay right here and keep posting!
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You will often her me say that we relapse mentally, emotionally and spiritually before we pick up the drug. If you are lucky enough to catch it, you can prevent it. And the good news is that you have caught it. The only thing a pill will do right now is make your life unmanageable. The guilt alone will drive you crazy. You have come to far and have learned too many lessons to throw it all away. You CAN get through this.
If you are taking medication then you have the type of depression that is a chemical imbalance. Good. that can be fixed. Often times the medication needs to be adjusted or changed. You should phone your doctor right away and get in to see him/her. Don't wait on this.
Second, I understand you sitting in the meetings and not talking. I did the same darn thing and the only person I hurt was me. I had to force myself to get involved and I did do that only because I was so afraid of what was out there if I relapsed. I had done several jail stints and several rehab stays and I knew death was the only thing I had not done. I forced myself to speak up and get involved and I don't regret that decision.
You are already showing signs of relapse by admittedly self-medicating to sleep. It is an escape mechanism and it is so dangerous. You don't have to run.
Please, please...if you can't talk at meetings then talk here or ask your doctor about private counseling or group counseling. Whatever is making you want to run can be dealt with. Please keep talking.
I'm sending hugs and prayers.....