Aa
I'm in Trouble
This is a really hard post for me. I havent done anything,,yet. I guess you can say that in my head Ive pretty much relapsed. I feel like its only a matter of time before I take a pill. I cant seem to get any right now. Yes, I tried. I feel like I am in a downward spiral again. I have trouble getting up in the morning. I cant carry my weight with work. Im struggling in all areas. Im overwhelmed. Ive been to NA and I just sit there. People have noticed that in the past few weeks I dont seem to be "myself". All I want to do is sleep. I'm self medicating with Tylenol PM , I take it in the morning so I can go back to sleep and as soon as I get home to go back to sleep. I am enjoying some time with my hubby and we have been doing some things together. But all I want to do is sleep and not face the world. I dont know why I am doing this,,,again. Im medicated-Cymbalta, Lamictal and Seroquel. Ive been taking my meds although I have missed a few doses. I know. 253 days today. Im willing to throw that all away. I dont get it. What do I do now?
Im not giving up! OMG am I kicking and screaming though! Ive relapsed mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I havent taken a pill and I have no way of getting any. I feel like Ive relapsed though. Except I didnt take any pills. It weird. I still have all the feelings that you'd have if relapsed. The guilt, anger, shame, disappointment, hopeless..you name it. Like IBkleen says you relapse long before you take a pill. Im a firm believer of that. But all you wanna do is run...and I cant. Or ill f*ck this all up again! I was given a second chance.. I hate that I have to fight this f-ing battle all day every day. Im tired of it. Im so tired.
Hi BKitty, you have gotten so much good advice, I just wanted to send you support and positive vibes. You have been so strong to get to this point, you can make it. Keep going!
Bryan
Bryan
Thank You everyone!! It means so much to me to have you all support me. I told my husband and he thought something was up with all the sleeping I am doing. I also removed myself from a situation today that I could have gotten some pills. I was covering for another nurse and I actually called in today because I knew If I went there, God knows what would have happened. After tomm I am back to my shedule and have no access to anything. This isnt the first time that I have had to do this either with my job. The last time there was a divine intervention and I guess this time as well. I ususally am really strong and it doesnt bother me but being in this state, there is no way that I can do my job. I will NOT set myself up to fail. Like Sarah says, using is not an option. Its just not. But to feel what I am feeling, oh God its so painful. The thing is I am not even sure what I am feeling that has me feeling like this. Honestly, I thing some of it is from boredom. I was in a routine, a schedule, same thing day after day. No drama. I feel hopeless. What is there to look forward to? I feel like I am never going to get pregnant and its just gonna be the same thing all the time. Today, I will not use. I have no way to do so. Tomm I have a crazy busy day. Im already dreading getting up and facing it. Thanks again~Bkitty
Hey Kity......well you did the right thing posting and probably saved yourself a relapse but remember relapses happen days b/4 you actually use it time to get serious with the aftercare.....I know it can be scary to share the first time at a meeting but it time to open up when you like this it will only help ....there is no substitute for human interaction and a meeting is the perfect place they will understand there mean wile you have bought yourself some time coming here to post......stay strong and dont pick up you will regret it it just not worth how much it sets you back im talking from experience now......I know you can do this Kity you been doing great keep posting for support good luck and God bless...........Gnarly
Open up to your sponsor or at a group meeting at NA, just like you have to us. Hang in there BKitty, just for today. 200+ days is a lot to throw away. You say youre willing to go back to day one? Hell no!! You will get thru these tough times a better person for facing them head on. Xoxo
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You will often her me say that we relapse mentally, emotionally and spiritually before we pick up the drug. If you are lucky enough to catch it, you can prevent it. And the good news is that you have caught it. The only thing a pill will do right now is make your life unmanageable. The guilt alone will drive you crazy. You have come to far and have learned too many lessons to throw it all away. You CAN get through this.
If you are taking medication then you have the type of depression that is a chemical imbalance. Good. that can be fixed. Often times the medication needs to be adjusted or changed. You should phone your doctor right away and get in to see him/her. Don't wait on this.
Second, I understand you sitting in the meetings and not talking. I did the same darn thing and the only person I hurt was me. I had to force myself to get involved and I did do that only because I was so afraid of what was out there if I relapsed. I had done several jail stints and several rehab stays and I knew death was the only thing I had not done. I forced myself to speak up and get involved and I don't regret that decision.
You are already showing signs of relapse by admittedly self-medicating to sleep. It is an escape mechanism and it is so dangerous. You don't have to run.
Please, please...if you can't talk at meetings then talk here or ask your doctor about private counseling or group counseling. Whatever is making you want to run can be dealt with. Please keep talking.
I'm sending hugs and prayers.....