Im so scared

[WantARealLife85]

I'm not gonna lie to ne1 on here I came here looking for how much kilonopin I needed to mix with wat methadone I might still get in order to fall asleep for good cuz I'm so scared of what's about to happen....

Been on methadone bout 5 yrs steady not messed up 99 mlgs for past 3 yrs til bput month ago I started weinin( I live in Sacramento n don't qualify for media Cal at 27 so I'm forced to pay $285 a month) I got down to 75 in like just under 2 mos n want to continue to taper BUT I'm out of money bad leg and shattered my heels bout 3 years ago and outta money living at home with mom who already makes me feel icky just when she looks at me so I hide away... now I'm outta money n ways to make it n am not gonna steal have n have NO coming in to pay fees.... I'm barely at a steady 75 mgs still having bad Mornings... and they are gonna put me on a 21 day detox(10% of my dose every 2 days til 21 pass) nobody understands in my family that I try to talk to so now all I wanna do is end it before this HORRIBLE 25% of pain Im feeling from wein already turns into 150% unlivable pain in a couple weeks.... I keep saying I need to just get 3 more months to wein and then they can put me on 21 day but I'm outta money can't make any and they want $285 a month but I don't have the money nor way to make it nor the family to pull together n help me thru this rough time.... I'm shaking scared and there is no way to prepare myself I mean I am terrified I need more time to we in..... idk this isn't even me to come to this place n write this but I saw no stories like ,one where there hand was being forced into withdrawals... I'm scared and now I'm gonna lay in bed for a month unable to move according to one guy n I believe it... of course the phyciatrist there gave me kilonopin for my anxiety like 2 months ago so now I got that addiction too and I haven't been high in idk even how long..... I don't wanna end up in emergency room with them saying there nothing they can do but try an find a state bed for ya.... it all honestly doesn't seem worth it nor do I deserve it I've been doin nothing wrong not goin n getting high so that makes it even harder to accept... if anyone out there can give me he ideas or words of wisdom that understand where I'm at or even California laws n ways around gettin on media Cal for sure please let me know.... this starts this Tuesday and I'm terrified sitting in room just idk I don't think I can do it.... IM SO SCARED AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS AND THE STIGMA PEOPLE PUT ON U FOR BEIN ON IT UGH IDK LET ME KNOW NE1......

[toothfairie]

do you have enough benzos to taper off those?  it would be better to taper those too.

[digger1976]

You need to really calm yourself down, yes this will be difficult and probs the hardest thing you've had to do but its far from impossible. You got this, if you have no choice that's it, you have no choice but getting yourself really stressed out isn't going to help you any. I know your sitting there saying "oh yew so effin easy for you to say", I have been locked in caravans, bedrooms, jail everywhere throughout my live and I can tell you anythings possible if you can get your head ready for it. The benzo's, if you try and stop quicker than the methadone, the methadone will help pull you through it, if I was going to lose both scripts that's what I would do anyway. hope someone corrects me if I'm wrong. Yes the morning feel the worst but that's not the end of the world, you can do this and you will be so happy for going through it. Not being tied to the Dr, always having to be close to pharmacy's, always worrying/stressing about the day you might run out and all the money you've wasted. You will be happy, be able to look people in the eye and yes smiling, remember when you used to smile all the time in the past, that's on its way back my friend, so don't stress yourself out, this is the begging of the rest of your live, grab it with both hands and don't let go...We will guide you through it and help in anyway we can..Wishing you all the luck in the world my friend..

[clean_in_ks]

GREAT post, Dig~

[Bon133]

Im also new to this site. And I, like so many of your new friends here, have also been exactly where you are. Words are easy. Its easy for me to tell you "you'll make it through this". But I know how your fears are tearing you apart now.
The worst possible thing you could do is let your addiction win the best of you. And giving up is giving in. I sense a much stronger person behind your fears. A person who wants to live again.
Whatever you do in these coming days, no matter how hard it gets, how much it hurts, DO NOT GIVE UP. There is simply too much to live for.
Be strong and remember, there are people here, right here, waiting to hear from you. Wanting to help....believing in you. Even when you cant believe in yourself.

[weaver71]

Digger reminded me of the first time I realized I was looking in the cashiers eyes and cracked a joke. I walked out of the gas station with big ole smile. I was offered a job and I was told I had to take a drug test. I lifted my head, looked them in the eyes and said, 'No Problem!' You will be free to chose again, you have a lot of life left my friend. "Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there." You have a lot to look forward to. I truly believe that. Thanks for hangin with us. You fit right in.

[toothfairie]

"Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there"....LOVE this Weaver!!