My husband: substance abuse question

[Alisa2014]

Dear All,

I am so thankful for this community. It is truly wonderful. I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years. We have a 2 year old boy together. I will try and be as impartial as possible. Where to begin? My husband and I have been together for a long time. Approximately 15 years. Looking back, we have always had a victim-rescuer relationship. My husband is the victim and I was the rescuer. This dynamic persisted for a long, long time. Something happened after my son was born. He is truly the best gift given to me in my life. I started going to therapy as I was so anxious about making mistakes with my son. This was the tip of the iceberg. Long story short, for the past year I have worked on my self esteem, my family of origin issues, and I now know that I deserve love and happiness and that I am lovable. I have compassion, I give grace, I listed and I can control my triggers. I am no longer a rescuer. Enter my husband. He is still a victim. He has cheated on me...a number of years ago now but I didnt believe I deserved better. He uses marijuana....alot. And, most recently, I have discovered cocaine...2 weeks ago almost. And, 2 nights ago, I found Adderall. I told my husband I have had enough and that I am done. I deserve love, happiness, safety, security and fun and that he does not provide these things to either myself or my son. I told him that he has a choice. He can continue down this path of drug abuse or he can get help and move on from his victim mentality and process his family of origin issues and learn to be in relationship. I gave him 1 week to figure this out and, if he decides he wants to continue down the path using drugs he can leave the house because I am not interested in this kind of a life. I will follow through on my bottom line. I have a therapist and I still see her 1 time per week. But, I want to know from others, do you think my husband has a substance abuse problem? Did I do the right thing is giving out my bottom line? I think I did (but this is me)...I am not willing to sacrifice my 1 life or my sons 1 life for this nonsense. It is complete and utter nonsense. I have given too many years away because I was not aware of my own issues and now that I have moved on and am ready to accept love I cannot put up with this anymore. I would love to hear your thoughts.

[Alisa2014]

Thanks jifmoc. I found one Monday night in my area.

[jifmoc]

If I may answer for Lulu, you did your hubbie a great service by giving him consequences to his using. Consequences are the bricks that pile up to make the using life intolerable. In other words, keeping things cozy equals keeping things the same. And worse.

Go look up that alanon meeting. Everyone will understand you there, too:)

[Alisa2014]

Hi lulu. Thanks for your story. How have I done my husband a good service? I feel in many ways that I have left him down. As painful as this is right now I feel as though I have to do this....he is bringing me down with his issues...it's feels horrible. The whole situation feels so horrible.  

[lulu747]

Hey Alisa-

Wow girl, good for you.  I left a marriage much like yours, and did the work on myself too.  I ended up the strongest and happiest I've ever been.  My husband refused to get help though, and he also began abusing me, so really there was no hope.
You've done yourself, and your son, AND your husband the best service you can.  Stay strong and continue to seek support for yourself.  Al anon is great.  Really and truly wonderful.
You deserve a true partner.  I finally found mine after 3 years alone, and it is AMAZING.  I never would have done this had I not found the courage to work on myself, and learn to love myself unconditionally.
I wish you the very best.
Lu

[Alisa2014]

I got bleeped! Lol. Rhymes with ducks.

[Alisa2014]

Hi sonrissa,  thanks for your words. Therapy was difficult at times when you make some deep revelations but it was also awesome. Therapy is a gift. Yes, my husband's substance abuse is putting up barriers in our marriage and our family life. It is a big problem. He is frequently absent and I am tired of making excuses about his whereabouts to my son. Where are his whereabouts I don't really know. He tells lies and is dishonest. I last saw my therapist last Monday which is after I discovered the cocaine. That Wednesday I talked to my husband and told him my vision for our family. I focused on self responsibility, turning toward each other, and creating a safe atmosphere. I asked him if he saw himself in this kind of a family.  He said he did. A week later I found the Adderall and got really upset. I felt lied to and as though he is completely unable to be honest with what he needs and wants. I he see my therapist this coming Monday.  She is supportive of my decision to ask him to leave because I know what I need in life moving forward and I am taking the steps I need to to honour those needs. I feel like I don't have a husband and that ***** you know?