My husband: substance abuse question

[Alisa2014]

Dear All,

I am so thankful for this community. It is truly wonderful. I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years. We have a 2 year old boy together. I will try and be as impartial as possible. Where to begin? My husband and I have been together for a long time. Approximately 15 years. Looking back, we have always had a victim-rescuer relationship. My husband is the victim and I was the rescuer. This dynamic persisted for a long, long time. Something happened after my son was born. He is truly the best gift given to me in my life. I started going to therapy as I was so anxious about making mistakes with my son. This was the tip of the iceberg. Long story short, for the past year I have worked on my self esteem, my family of origin issues, and I now know that I deserve love and happiness and that I am lovable. I have compassion, I give grace, I listed and I can control my triggers. I am no longer a rescuer. Enter my husband. He is still a victim. He has cheated on me...a number of years ago now but I didnt believe I deserved better. He uses marijuana....alot. And, most recently, I have discovered cocaine...2 weeks ago almost. And, 2 nights ago, I found Adderall. I told my husband I have had enough and that I am done. I deserve love, happiness, safety, security and fun and that he does not provide these things to either myself or my son. I told him that he has a choice. He can continue down this path of drug abuse or he can get help and move on from his victim mentality and process his family of origin issues and learn to be in relationship. I gave him 1 week to figure this out and, if he decides he wants to continue down the path using drugs he can leave the house because I am not interested in this kind of a life. I will follow through on my bottom line. I have a therapist and I still see her 1 time per week. But, I want to know from others, do you think my husband has a substance abuse problem? Did I do the right thing is giving out my bottom line? I think I did (but this is me)...I am not willing to sacrifice my 1 life or my sons 1 life for this nonsense. It is complete and utter nonsense. I have given too many years away because I was not aware of my own issues and now that I have moved on and am ready to accept love I cannot put up with this anymore. I would love to hear your thoughts.

[Krissy_123]

Oh dear wow. I'm so sorry for you!! It's amazing what we addicts put our family's through :( I don't know what adderal is,but I do know cocaine is a bad one. I also agree with gnarly,we don't quit until rock bottom. It's sad,we have all these beautiful things in life and when were using we don't them,we just see when our next fix is. Doesn't matter who it hurts or effects we are going to get that fix no matter what! I don't know what I would have done if someone threatend to take my kids from me though? I think for me that would be rock bottom. Take my kids you might as well take my life. I don't drink, party or take any kind of illegal substance. My drugs came right from my own doctor for after cancer patient care for 11 years. I woke up last Friday and just said no more,I can't give them anymore of my life. I don't know if I'll slip up and take another one,but for now I'm 8 days clean and so damn proud of myself and I don't want to take another one. Goodluck. You're a strong women and a wonderful mum!!

[gnarly_1]

Hi  welcome to the forum  we see this kind of thing all the time and it saddens me....I was once that guy...I abused one drug or another for 35yrs I looked good on the outside  at the time I had a great sales job 2 new cars a home and was a great provider but inside I was a wreck I would tell my wife that I deserve to unwind at the end of my day and if she dident like it there where pleanty of wemen that would love to fill her shoes I just wasent ready to quit  as it saze in N/A ''we put drugs in front of our family's wife and kids we had to have drugs at all cost''  unfochantly like my wife there was little she could do you cant force someone to quit they have to be ready to stop and often have to hit rock bottom...the desire to get clean must excide the desire to get high for this to work    addiction is a progressive disease the drugs are a outward sign of a inward problem and like all diseases it need to be treated for me I did not see growth until I hit the rooms of N/A the progam is a simple 12 step approach that can arrest the disease and then recovery is possible I cant stress this enough we are not ''normies'' we are addicts and it is difficult for a normie to understand we just cant stop my advise is to approach your husband with this option unltamadems rarely work just know when he is ready there is refuge in N/A the only requirement to go is the desire to quit you dont have to be clean  today I have a little over 5yrs clean the program has changed my life today I manage my disease by going to 4 meetings a week it is a cheep price to pay to remain clean I wish you all the luck in the world and I will pray for you and your family keep posting for support...Gnarly