New here, help please!

[Back_2_life]

I have been addicted to oxycontin for 3 yrs. I snort about 140 mgs a day. I quit before cold turkey. Felt like I was dying and even fainted at one point. I lasted about a month but couldn't stand the depression. I've always suffered from depression and anxiety but this was really bad. I relapsed and now I'm thinking about using methadone to get off these things and maybe by doing a taper off methadone the depression won't be as severe.. I hope. I could never taper off oxy but feel I can off methadone. I get no high from methadone (I have several methadone pills stashed for when I run out of oxy) so I think I could use it short term to get off oxys. Has anyone tried this? I'm afraid to go ct again, I don think my body can physically handle it and I think this might be the best option to finally get off pills. I am the mother to two beautiful kids and feel so much shame from what I've become. I really hate myself and if not for my kids I think I'd just kill myself rather then go through this living hell anymore. I'm just so sick of it. I don't even get much of a buzz of the stupid things despite the large amounts I do. I get a prescription for my back pain but of course that's gone in a few days and I have spent so much money it's sickening. I just want to be free from them but the mental hell that awaits really is discouraging me from breaking free but I know I have to try. I really hope I can lessen the depression by tapering off methadone as opposed to ct. Please give me some advice. I feel like such a hopeless case.

[bmdad]

You day you feel hopeless because the amount of oxy you are taking. Before I got clean I was taking around 400 to 480 mgs of oxycontin a day. During this time I didn't feel hopeless but I knew I had to stop before it killed me. No amount of substance can make us hopeless. It is us that can make us hopeless. It's not an action, it's a thought that can be changed. I tried exactly what you plan on trying. The brain doesn't know the difference between opiates. All it cares about is that it gets what it is so use to getting. I wasn't able to taper with my doc and I wasn't able to taper with the methadone. I was still trying to chase that buzz and yes, methadone will give you a buzz. What you are doing is self medicating which is addictive behavior. Until you realize this you will have a tough time getting clean. I know the methadone you have was prescribed but you aren't using it for pain. You are trying to be your own doctor. If you want to try methadone to get clean, go through a doctor that specializes in addiction. Even a lot of family doctors can't advise you with the methadone when using it to detox. There was a member here awhile back. She was on a moderate dose of norco. She went to her regular doctor and fessed up. She was then prescribed methadone by her regular doctor and was told to use them to taper. She ended up finding herself with tougher withdrawals because it was administered by someone that didn't know how to use it to detox. Sure, the methadone are legally yours but you are attempting to use them without being medically supervised on how you plan on using them. This is the type of behavior that keeps us addicted. You really need to go talk to a doctor about this. Like Jeremy said above, suboxone sounds like a much better choice for an at home detox if you want to go that route. Many people need help when trying to get clean. There is no shame in that. Let a doctor guide you through. If it were as simple as taking a few methadone to get clean there wouldn't be methadone clinics. Taking methadone for 9 days is not going to help with depression. The depression hits just as hard as P.A.W.S. You best bet is to talk to your doctor. He may get you on an antidepressant now and help taper you off. He may refer you to a suboxone doctor. Either way you need to stop self medicating. Many of us here have tried it and didn't get clean until we realized we have to stop our addictive behavior. It sounds like that you are going to try this regardless of what we say. It seems you came here only to want to hear what the addict in you wants to do. You seem to just want to find someone to agree with you to make you feel better about it. I was the same way as are most addicts. We try and justify why this will work. Even if you don't find justification here you will still justify it to yourself. That is addictive behavior and until you realize this you may still have a long road ahead of you. Please go to your doctor and just talk to him. See what ideas he has to help you. You always have "your plan" to fall back on. I just hope you realize that this plan more than likely wont work. I know because I have tried. If my plans would have worked I would have been clean a long time ago.
I do wish you the best of luck. I know you didn't like what most here had to say. But as an addict we only like to hear what we think is right. An addict self medicating just doesn't work.

[hellc@mst]

Backtolife. I understand your desire to mitigate the severity of your withdrawal symptoms but i am concerned about your plan to attempt a methadone assisted detox without any medical supervision or instructions.

Until the widespread circulation of Subutex/Suboxone, Methadone was the preferred drug used by detox facilities to help withdraw people addicted to ALL and ANY opioids. This proved fairly successful in limiting the severity of opioid withdrawals but you need to remember that this was done under 24hr supervision by experienced healthcare workers.

I see you have been referred by many here to your family doctor. This is undoubtedly the safest option for you and maybe then you can discuss your plans with him/her. Suboxone would be more ideally suited to a home detox .

I have to say i havent laughed so hard in a long time about some of the comments made here about the evils of methadone. I cant say i ever read in any medical journal how methadone was only meant for "hard core street heroin addicts" or that it is contraindicated for anyone other than the worst of the worst hardened street junkies. Nor have i read the 1 drink on methadone and you run a HUGE chance of not waking up. Whatever. If i remember correctly the warning on my old take away methadone bottles only read RESTRICT ALCOHOL. Never mind the fact that an equivalent dose of any opioid will expose you to exactly the same risk/if any.
Anyways. All the best. Regards Jeremy.

[Punkinhead75]

Hi Back_2_life,

I don't have experience detoxing from pills.  I was still drinking and smoking pot when I had stopped taking pills so I don't even remember weather I had WD symptoms or not.  I don't recommend drinking and getting high to get through WDs.  Just wanna be clear on that  LOL.  When I decided to get cleaned up I was ready and willing to do anything I was told.  I saw a doctor and a recovery counselor and they helped me understand what I should do to get and stay clean safely.  The bottom line is those were the two people I listened to.  Professionals!!!!!  What we have to offer here is our experience,strength and hope.  Apparently some folks had rough experiences with methadone and have witnessed people have rough experience with methadone.  Although the delivery may not agree with you it is the message that counts.  Please take that into consideration.  

I wish you nothing but the best.  Living a clean and sober life is a wonderful thing.  Please understand that it doesn't happen over night and requires effort on our part.  I personally went through weekend sessions(8hrs/day) at a mental health inst., IOP and AA mtgs.   I learned things like "my best thinking got me here", "I can't do it alone","I don't want to go to a mtg but go anyway".  I thank God today for making me feel hopeless because it made me willing to go to any length to get and stay sober.  If you can be honest and work with a doctor than go for it.  I hope it works for you.  If it doesn't work are you willing to do something else?  God Bless and keep sharing.  It is great to hear from you.

[Back_2_life]

Nobody knows more then I do that I have to get clean. I could easily do maintenance, my doc does it in a way i only have to go every couple weeks and it would be the easy wau but I want to be drug free instead. I want to FEEL again, I realize though that along with feeling good feelings I'll feel bad feelings. That's what I'm afraid of, the deep dark depression that has followed every agonizing cold turkey detox I've done. All that suffering wds just to suffer more. It ***** it really does. I'd like to think that if I could make it longer then a month then I could maybe see some reprieve in the debilitating depression I get. Never got that far ever yet. This time I will.

[Back_2_life]

It would be nice if some of you would actually READ the question and key details I provided before jumping to conclusions, name calling etc. I'm a "coward" because I want to detox safely? Last time I detoxed I PASSED OUT COLD. For me, who by the way has "paid my dues" several times in the form of excruciating wds, a quick methadone (doctor prescribed as I wrote yet ppl still wailed that I shouldn't be using street drugs umm did I miss something??) detox could be the SAFEST way. Yes I expect wds, plenty of em. And it's only been the last few days I've been on a very high amount. My normal usage is between 100-140 so 30 mgs is a good starting point, at least my physician thought so...

To the people who did read my question and helped, a heartfelt thank you.

[kittymom66]

You are not going to get someone on this forum to say "that a girl" for taking methodone.  I am going to be harsh.  I just did a detox and am on my 14th day today and THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNELL.  You are making all kinds of excuses for not paying your dues with the withdrawals.  Read about the Thomas Recidpe - Put in your time - and you will get better - replacing one drug for another is not the answer - quit being a coward and go to a doctor for help if you are that scared......but do not take another drug for heaven sakes.  I thought at the beginning that I would never feel joy again low and behold I listed to the people on these forums that have gone through this before me and opened up my ears and heart to their thoughts about the subject knowing THEY knew what they are talking about - but do you HEAR yourself - you are not making any sense and not listening.....get off the oxys and DO NOT get on another drug,,,,,paying your dues with withdrawals is a good answer - rememember no pain no gain.....I will pray for you