Oxy abuse - my story

[fordfanatic]

I started using recreationally in College about 3.5 years ago, during my sophomore year. Dose started off at half a 30mg pill. I would usually split it with somebody else. That habit went on casually for about a year or so. Towards the later years of undergrad, I started using a 30mg pill all to myself. Several of my friends developed nasty habits when being in school around them and selling them. They were basically always around. Surprisingly for me, my occasional use started to turn into more of a serious habit within the past year, after graduation. The stress of my graduate school program led me to the pills to relax and escape. I would go to my friends house on the weekends, and eventually started doing them every single week. At least 2 pills. This became normal. I then progressed into stopping by during the week as well to look for a nice relaxing mid-week break. Basically, you guys know that this is the point where I should have stopped. I must have started to use them to the point where when I was not doing them, I started feeling that lethargic, mentally tired and an overall "shot" feeling. As a result, I started doing them more and more, because I felt like they were "waking me up" and allowing me to do lots of my graduate school-work in the late hours of the night. It would have been impossible to stay awake without them at this point. I was doing maybe 90-120mg a night the past few months, at least 3 days of the week, and they days in between when I would skip I would feel really tired and completely wiped out from the beginning to the end of the day. I have been managing to keep afloat at work, since there is really not that much supervision and as long as you get your work done, nobody says anything. I finished my grad degree, and the only people that know I use are my friends at this point. Family, girlfriend and co-workers are unaware of the situation, although I have told my girlfriend over and over how I feel depressed, tired, weak. Obviously, I know why I feel the way I do, but I cannot get myself to tell her because I am afraid of admitting to this addiction. I know at this point, that is exactly what it is. I am ashamed of myself for putting myself in this situation. I tried to stop using two weeks ago, I managed to go 6 days without any pills and only one suboxone strip, and felt like I "earned" myself to use for just one more night. I ended up doing 4 30 mg pills that night, and then picked up and did another three the next night. Afterwards, the next day I was feeling good until I felt the withdrawals begin again. I picked up another sub strip to help get through this again, and at the end of today, it will be 5 days without any pills. I spoke to a mental health counselor yesterday, and told her everything I said here and more because I am committed to getting better. I also want to use these forums as another way of speaking my mind and talking with people who have dealt with this problem. I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to get the whole story out. I do not want to deal with this addiction any more, and need to learn how to effectively deal with the voice of the "devil in my ear" telling me it is okay to do one more, that it'll make you feel better, have more energy, just one more night...

I'd love to hear from some people. Thank you.

[fordfanatic]

Today, I am starting to feel my energy come back again, and yesterday was the first day when I was driving home and did not have a huge mental debate of whether I was going to stop by my buddys house to pick up. He is on the way home, and it would have been so easy to get them, but I knew that was the wrong thing to do, and continued driving. I really cannot wait to get back to feeling like myself again. Having that feeling, like you said, will be better than the high. I can go back to being productive, funny, happy and in control of my own life. Thanks for your advice!

[fordfanatic]

I think you and I have a lot in common on why we continued using, and how it got a grasp on our lives. It is odd, because it was only when I started using often, that I got that "wired" feeling that would allow me to be a superhero when it came to getting my coursework done late into the night after a hard day of work. Of course, this "superhero" feeling I was getting is what got me addicted, and I wish I had never gotten to that stage. The only thing I can do not is fight my urge to continue using, and allow my brain to get back where it used to be. I find it amazing how the chemical craving causes us to lie to people and be deceitful to the ones we love the most. It is a very dangerous drug that I wish I never tried in the first place. I am so thankful I was able to at least recognize that this was no longer fun, and instead, a serious issue. I am still considering telling my girlfriend, because I think she will support me, but I am just not ready to talk yet.

Stay strong during your detox. I find that posting here has been really helping me a lot, and thank you for responding to my post.

[fordfanatic]

And stay strong staying sober. 13 days is so good, you must be feeling so great.

[jugglin]

Congrats for admitting your addiction and for your 5 (maybe 6 now?) days clean. Getting into counseling/aftercare is huge cuz it isn't just about stopping the drugs...it is about addressing your addiction.
I've been around here over a year now and will tell you some key pieces of advice that really ring true:

You have got to cut your sources
You have got to change your playground and your playmates
You need to come clean to your spouse
You need some form of aftercare

Know that this crazy, amazing, wonderful journey will have ups and downs, but your worst day clean is so much better than your best day high.
One day at a time and keep your eyes on the prize.
Congrats again - you can do this!

[fordfanatic]

Thanks for your response. Yes, today is my 6th day clean. I cannot remember the last time I have had a weekend without using, and although I keep having thoughts of using again, I know I can get through this weekend without any pills, and in a way, I am excited to hit the major milestone of going through an entire weekend without using.

[Real180]

Great job!! Keep up the good work and stay strong.  It will be worth it -- I promise!!!