Oxy abuse - my story

[fordfanatic]

I started using recreationally in College about 3.5 years ago, during my sophomore year. Dose started off at half a 30mg pill. I would usually split it with somebody else. That habit went on casually for about a year or so. Towards the later years of undergrad, I started using a 30mg pill all to myself. Several of my friends developed nasty habits when being in school around them and selling them. They were basically always around. Surprisingly for me, my occasional use started to turn into more of a serious habit within the past year, after graduation. The stress of my graduate school program led me to the pills to relax and escape. I would go to my friends house on the weekends, and eventually started doing them every single week. At least 2 pills. This became normal. I then progressed into stopping by during the week as well to look for a nice relaxing mid-week break. Basically, you guys know that this is the point where I should have stopped. I must have started to use them to the point where when I was not doing them, I started feeling that lethargic, mentally tired and an overall "shot" feeling. As a result, I started doing them more and more, because I felt like they were "waking me up" and allowing me to do lots of my graduate school-work in the late hours of the night. It would have been impossible to stay awake without them at this point. I was doing maybe 90-120mg a night the past few months, at least 3 days of the week, and they days in between when I would skip I would feel really tired and completely wiped out from the beginning to the end of the day. I have been managing to keep afloat at work, since there is really not that much supervision and as long as you get your work done, nobody says anything. I finished my grad degree, and the only people that know I use are my friends at this point. Family, girlfriend and co-workers are unaware of the situation, although I have told my girlfriend over and over how I feel depressed, tired, weak. Obviously, I know why I feel the way I do, but I cannot get myself to tell her because I am afraid of admitting to this addiction. I know at this point, that is exactly what it is. I am ashamed of myself for putting myself in this situation. I tried to stop using two weeks ago, I managed to go 6 days without any pills and only one suboxone strip, and felt like I "earned" myself to use for just one more night. I ended up doing 4 30 mg pills that night, and then picked up and did another three the next night. Afterwards, the next day I was feeling good until I felt the withdrawals begin again. I picked up another sub strip to help get through this again, and at the end of today, it will be 5 days without any pills. I spoke to a mental health counselor yesterday, and told her everything I said here and more because I am committed to getting better. I also want to use these forums as another way of speaking my mind and talking with people who have dealt with this problem. I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to get the whole story out. I do not want to deal with this addiction any more, and need to learn how to effectively deal with the voice of the "devil in my ear" telling me it is okay to do one more, that it'll make you feel better, have more energy, just one more night...

I'd love to hear from some people. Thank you.

[fordfanatic]

Thank you for the response. Out of my friends who I have shared this with, I have one who is really been there for me so far. I have another friend who is no stranger of addiction, and is still dealing with getting off of them to a degree. He is in the "oh, I can do them every week or two" mode. We were all introduced to the drug at around the same time, and our addictions grew together progressively. Like I said, I was definitely the last out of my friends to get hooked. I should have learned from them, but we are all invincible... until it happens to us. As far as the subs go, I know they are also addicting, but they have been helpful in stopping my use of oxy. I only have 1/4 strip left, and will not be getting any more of those. My counselor and I are meeting up for another session next Tuesday, and she really wants me to make an effort to not use until then. That is my short-term goal. I came so close to picking up last night, but decided against it, and I am very happy I did.

[Cricketk92]

Hi and welcome!  COngrats on the 5 days!!!  Please be careful of the subs as they are addicting to and a real bear to come off of!!!  Your story sounds so similar to many on here....it always starts out innocently and then grows into a monster!!  Its great that you have a counselor to talk to!  Do your friends support your getting off the pills?  You really need people who are supportive and understanding of what you are going through!  Addiction is no fun and its lucky that you caught it when you did!!!  SO glad you found the forum!  There are lots of us on here who understand right where you are!  SO keep posting and let us know how you are getting on!!!  Im sure lots more will be commenting soon!  Keep doing such a great job!!!  
Karen