Oxycontin WD - 4th day-helpme

[mego579]

Im barely able to type right now.  I went on a trip to a remote house boat with freinds and discovered what WD really are. I'd been using oOxycontin up to 300 mg a day for about 2 years and while on the trip i thought it would be ok to break my 40 mg pills into 4ths and take them because i was running out with no chance of refill before the trip.  The WD started and the whole 4ths of a pill thing was out the window. They were gone before the first night and my freind had to confine me into a room of the house boat while they said i had seizures, screaming, begging to die, not sleeping in days until i was given Ketamine which is a drug i'd usually abused in the past and was familiar with but i'm not sure if it was a good idea or not becuase while in a K-hole i was able to stop the crazy leg shaking etc, but still felt everything jsut the same ( only being imobilized).  
Made it home, its day 4
my eyes are crazy dialeted still, my mind works but i cant communicate really yet without my voice shaking. i'm trying to eat ( the first night i puked like 30 times) but my stomach HURTS after. My skin is crawling.

I took the oxy in the first place because i have severe rhumetoid arthritis.
what do i do?
can i really ride this out here at home w/ my bf?(who was up for the whole time and is exhausted) - feeling better but thats not really saying much because i feel like HELL.
HELL!

how many days will this go on?
please

[dominosarah]

Thank god it was just a test......Try and get up and move if you can.

[mego579]

the second i hit send - the fire alarms just went off in the apartment - i have 2 furry kids that are my soul and in so sick - my *** ran up and searched ran outside to check for smoke out there, then heard a voice say " its just a test everyone sorry"
holy ****

i guess i can get out of bed...
i dont feel good i gotta lay down again

[dominosarah]

Just keep holding on.  I know this is really wearing on you but one of these days it will get better.  You can do this........sara

[mego579]

i didnt get my rag for like 4 months, now i just got it yesturday and i'm super sick ontop of being super WD sick still,
now i know my rag did stop cuz of the oxy overload -
im at a month now and i feel like ****
still chills and hot skin coming back, mood swings and going nuts, now my stomachs really really really really crazy sick -im trying so hard not to give up
so hard
this is getting hard :(
its been a month my brains starting to crack -

[mego579]

hi,

its about 3 weeks, im in so much physical pain that this mental fatigue seems worse, i'm obsessing but i can just lay here and not move cuz moving hurts. went out the other night and now my calves and back are insainly painfuly when i try to walk, ( all hunched over like im 80)
i hope this will pass too because im not sure how i can reassociate w/ society or much less leave my house in pain like this
i dunno i also get really mad then i spent all day and night yesturday crying. i'm almost suicidal but i can't think about whats wrong - i know i jsut am not having that many '' thoughts'' - even trying to make food made me break down crying - all the steps were too overwhelming.
i was really depressed as a teenager - i feel that way again. i'm trying to remind myself its the PAWS but i get swept up often now and its getting hard.
ya " J' if someone had an oxy i'd probably swollow it up as a reflex before giving myself time to think. i'm glad no one i know gets them or has or takes ( if they did i'd have known before when i was addicted cuz i would ask around often when i was desprite)
even still - if what im going through now will pass.. for realls... not joking..
then its worth it to me to keep on truckin onward and wait for the days i start to feel normalish again -
thats depressing now cuz this ***** so hard that i feel desprite and want it to end to the core of me - feels like my hearts constantly being squeezed up my throat - mabye my minds trying to think of stuff that i didnt want to think about b4 -
i dont like it at all - i checked out as a teenager w/honestly dealing w/ stuff- this is gunna be a super huge mountain to climb up
honeslty i usually spend 19 hours a day alone painting like a maniac and dont go to my shows ( cuz i dont wanna be around anyone) and enjoy kudos through media,freinds, etc.
im a total hermit usually, but that was a hermit w/ a ton of opiate around all the time kinda zombified roboto painting - i know thats not right now, but this is new - i jsut keep feeling like my whole life stopped and i wont get it back.

i guess it will just be kinda different.  i was able to construct w/ the paint for like 20 min the other day - so the brains still there and the hand still knows. i just have to deal w/ this pain thing and deep depresive feeling -
all i can bring myself to do still is clean -

[SickBoy_Williamson]

Thats what i've been fighting for a while. I didn't even know what paws was until recently... that explained a lot. When I quit the first time, (Early this year) I used alcohol to numb the brain. It ***** but, everyone is right, 90 days and the bad thoughts stop. The body doesn't ache, even when sitting on the couch. I went from socially drinking every couple weeks, to drinking a 5th every couple days. It too will pass. I was unemployed, fresh out of college, back at home with the rents' and totally miserable. A job finally came along and pulled my head out of the gutter. I quit smoking cigarettes, and quit smoking pot. Things cleaned up.

One night at work a buddy of mine traded a friend for a few oxy 20's.

I told myself I'm responsible and understand the consiquences now, it won't happen again.

Thus it happened again. Worse than before, more desperate than before.

Here I was again, addicted. Feeling like schit. Having to take them to feel normal.

I guess my post isn't really constructive. Paws is hard. The withdrawls are hard. Rejoining life is hard. It's like merging onto a raging interstate, on a moped. Phuq.

But that's all any of this boils down to is rejoining life. Do you remember the hardest thing you ever had to go through growing up?

.... I do....

But what happened, you rejoined life because you had to, and that's the only way things will work. You can plead and reason with yourself as to why you should go back, you can even go back... but still if you want to survive.... SURVIVE.... you have to rejoin life.

I use MJ. I use beer and wine... (I now understand why they call them spirits).

I f up and fall down. I pick myself up again and move forward.

Why? Because no matter what, you have to keep breathing. You have to keep moving forward.

I look back at that hardest thing growing up, and yeah it still hurts. But I'm still here. I rejoined once before, and I can do it again.

If not for yourself, than atleast for the people who love you. Because when it's their turn to try and merge into traffic, where do you need to be? Getting run down too, or slowing down to help them in.

Either way the earth will turn, time will pass, and one way or another it's all going to end.

I want it to end while I'm standing, not glued to a couch or writhing in self induced pain. I'm going to stand up and do this right.

Why shouldn't we all?

eh....

I hang my head in regret. I've slipped.

That's where I've been these past two weeks, and I guess I need more strength than I thought....

Please don't make the same mistake, you're so far into it, you can get through this.

Mad Love
-J