The three of us began over 100 days ago

[BraneGame]

Chig, qpatty, and my self began this journey of sobriety in March. Like many of you who are just starting out, we found each other and have held on tight. During the first two months we all posted daily if not more. Our withdrawal symptoms seemed normal and we kept the course each of us in our own way using the advice of the long timers as we  are so grateful to learn from their experience. However, we soon found ourselves no longer posting as much as we seem to be following a different path than most everyone. We found ourselves PM each other rather than posting here. It is a tough place to be. Reading all the posts of the newer members and how they seem to feel better each day is bitter sweet. I know for me, I don't post publicly because I do not want to scare anyone who is suffering min. by min. or hour to hour. I remember how long and painful the days are in the early stages of withdrawal. TIME the four letter word that feels just as terrifying as the swear. Do we post our fears, and our continued and often debilitating symptoms of this most trying fight of our lives? PAWS!!!! No one seems to post about it. But it is real and we three have it. Maybe there are others out there who have it too. When we PM each other we share our symptoms because we don't know if we are still normal or if this is it for us. Life.....we are between 40 and 60 years old. Is this what it feels like to get older? Our bodies aged while we weren't looking because of the pills. OR, will we one day stop feeling the anxiety, weakness, brain buzzing, insomnia, shaking, lack of energy, massive depression, and physical pain?

I am thankful for my sober buddies Chig and qpatty. Without them and a few others we would be lost. I hope I have not discouraged anyone. That is so not what I wanted to do by posting this. This post is about our journey that may or may not be how others will experience it. I just feel lost and am reaching out.

[BraneGame]

Thanks guys. What would I do if I did not have anyone to talk to?

I think part of the problem is May was the third anniversary of my sisters death. For years I tried everything I could think of to help her with her drug addiction. All the time knowing that she was going to die soon. She was only 40 when she over dosed. I never got to see her body or reconcile in my mind that she really did die. She had been dead two days when the person who she lived with who also was her dealer, finally called my brother to let us know she was gone. Her body was to decayed by that point that we were told by the funeral home that it would be to traumatic to see her because she was so unrecognizable. She needed to be closed casket or cremated. So my mother did as she was advised and had her cremated without allowing me to see her. We had a small ceremony just a few of us gathered at a lake to say goodbye. Trying to reconcile the finality of her death is taking me some time. I still have such raw emotions. I am sober, and finding my self angry and with so many questions. If the drugs can kill my sister can I win this battle? I can only imagine how many times she had been right where I am now. Trying so hard and feeling so alone and desperate. She lost the battle. And no matter how hard I tried to get her to understand that if she kept doing what she was doing the drugs would kill her. She gave up! The depression takes hold the pain and weakness envelops and is suffocating and then what? I have to choose to live in this body because I have my children who don't deserve to ever feel the horror of loosing there mother to an over dose. I have to find my way through this.

[chig1130]

Hey My Friend,

You just keep sitting outside and cooking supper, baby steps, that is what this is. I just knew if I could get you out of that bed, you would start making progress. Hey, just look at all you have done in the last 2 days!!!!  You are making progress. I know how weak your feeling, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other, soon you will realize your doing more week by week.
It has never been day by day for me. Like you it has been week by week. I just started doing things, little by little, and still am for the most part.
We have to get thru this the best way we can, and your making progress.

Your children just have to know, that mom doesn't feel real good right now but that you are gonna get better. They will adjust my friend, and I know it must be a big stressor, to have to put them off right now.

Maybe your husband could have a soothing talk to them and explain that mom will be ok, just right now we have to help her out til she gets well.

Im sending you Like Patty all my strength and healing, your gonna get there.

[qpatty]

Yours has been one of the slowest and most painful recoveries I have ever witnessed. And if anyone deserves a break, it is you! You are the bravest person I know and you WILL get better and if there truly is a God out there you will get better very soon. Or I might have to have words with her!

Just do what you are able with the kids and let go of the guilt about the rest. In the realm of life this will be a short time and your kids will be okay. Children are adaptable and resilient creatures. And they love you. Is there anybody that could pitch in and help by taking your boys out to do something fun? Sending you every bit of strength and courage I have(which unfortunately ain't a whole lot!) but it is yours my friend...Patty

[BraneGame]

Day 109. I'm hoping to have a better week this week. For me it has not been it  gets better each day it has been It gets better each week. I can see that with much effort both physically and mentally, if I push myself I can be outside for about 2 hours. Even if it is just sitting in a chair. I did this both yesterday and today. I also was able to get supper cooked for my 5 sons and husband. Now at 7:49pm I am laying down as I am so weak and hurting. I am also still quite moody and was quick to anger with my husband. So I am giving us both some space. One hurdle I find I face daily is that at least one of my sons will ask me tomorrow can we do this or next week can you help me with that. I never know how to answer them. I have three teens and a 7 and 8 year old. We have always been a very active family but now I can barley get through a few hours of minimal activity. How do you answer such questions? I am so sick of disappointing them.

[jugglin]

I don't know that there is much more to add.  I just wanted to second a comment at the beginning of this thread....as I am in my late 40's.  I do believe that as we spent time on our doc's for several years, our bodies, our hormones did change along the way.  We may not have noticed...but they just did as that is a normal course of life.  I have friends my age and older who have never abused substances who also have bouts with insomnia, lethargy, etc.  So, while aftercare, eating right, support, exercise are all very important.  I think there is also truth to the fact that our bodies have changed along the way.  Keep doing what you are doing.  You are all rockstars.  You may find along the way that a trip to the Dr may benefit to check hormone, thyroid levels, etc.  Just a thought.

Keep pushing through as you are all on a wonderful journey and have been a great support and example to others.  You are all wonderful!

[BraneGame]

108 days off of 40mg 3x day Oxy ER and 10mg 3x day Oxy IR for break through pain. I had a botched laminectomy 14 years ago but did not require long term pain meds till I ruptured two more disks in my back and 2 in my neck. That was back in 2007.

I think the depression is one of the biggest concerns I currently have. However, I also have moderate anxiety most of the day and all night still. Several times a day my brain feels like it is misfiring. Like this huge pressure that is full of electricity. I have several episodes a day that I feel like I can't breath. Same as I did during my first week of withdrawal but not as often. My body temperature is still messed up but at least I don't get the chills then a few seconds later be sweating. My vision is very blurry and I am getting head aches everyday still. I feel so weak I don't get much done and my legs feel like jello and like they may come out from under me. To this day I have not had a happy feeling.  I need to feel happy feelings soon. It seems to me that most have had at lease a few seconds of happy by day 100. I sleep about 3-4 hours every OTHER day. I cry when Im sad, angry, and for no reason at all. The pain I feel must be real as the over all body aching left me at almost the 1 month mark.  I have become very ant-social as well.

I take vitamins, go to NA, and I have been able to eat 2 meals a day despite not having an appetite. I also drink one protein shake a day.

I guess I thought this far out I wouldn't still be this much of a mess. I have to force myself to do everything. Then after I do a small task I need to rest again.  So that's it. I guess I just have no clue as to what to do to make things more bearable. Any thoughts?