I fell off the wagon in a big way

[backpacker102]

I dont really think this counts as a question, it's more like a confession. I was doing really well staying off my Vic's and for the most part got past the flu symptoms. I was/am still having trouble with sleep, but nevertheless I started using again. In my mind I used pain as my excuse and went a few days only 1-2 mg oxycodone. Within a few days up to 6.  Wow, shocker.."I can control my use--NOT"..To be 100% honest aside from physical pain, I started using again because of emotional pain and feeling worthless and un-employable. My strong points about myself are something that just don't seem to be marketable. To sound sem-corny, I dont have anything in my life to feel good about myself. I used to have a girlfriend and a job that had some rewarding points and also kept me physically busy. I don't "love" myself, so I guess I found a drug to feel okay. No question a very stupid choice. I saw my spine doctor and he changed me over to Perc 5mg 4-6 daily. Compared to Vic's I dont like them at all. Sounds odd, but it's true. I would much rather have hydro than oxy. My doc thinks I should continue with them, but doesn't know i go overboard. To prob. 99% of the world I appear and act sober. I would have no problem talking to a cop or sobriety check. I metabolize this stuff a little bit different than the avg. person. ...Okay im getting off point. I started using/overusing these stupid pills again. Honestly, im not at a place to stop today. I apologize if this is only a place to get sober or post sober. I am very disappointed in myself and it saddens me that I look for contentment in a bottle. I can't find that little piece of something to have confidence in myself about and make that grow. I have the utmost respect for the people that stopped taking this crap and stayed off it..you are basically my idols. You are strong and should be beyond proud of yourself. This is some tough stuff. Everyone abuses for their own reasons, mine would be lack of love, respect and lack of positive things to keep my overactive mind busy. Right now I should be working out, but I CHOSE to take oxy's. The irony is I had a pretty darn good upbringing and drugs were such a no-no. I had parents that cared, but didn't push me to do anything that I enjoyed...it was more like get a 9-5 and be responsible. Im just not that guy, my brain is too busy and thinks outside the box. I wish someone knew me well enough to employ me for what I think im good at. This sounds like a sympathy thread, but it's totally not meant to be. It's more like I needed to get it off my chest if I was going to have a chance at being sober again. Today I am not sober and will like about that. Thanks for listening.

[backpacker102]

-a few minutes later. Holy f'ing stomach cramp/pains and gas. Thank God no one is around to deal with me,,,they would need masks.

[backpacker102]

Just checking in- I did my workout today and was extremely sluggish but made it through. I took my vitamins, ate pretty healthy{had my visits to the bathroom UGH}. I felt EXTREMELY HUNGOVER and in excruciating back pain-so i laid in bed for about 2 hours and 80% of that went away. I have a memory foam bed, it's pretty comfortable. My previous bed was a sleep number that exploded with me in in with enough force to blow out 2 discs and moved the actual king size bed 2 feet across room breaking my base board heater. My so called friends get a laugh at that one, but I thought it was a ghost that was angry  at me..I had no idea one of the bladders burst because only the top 1/4 popped..the rest was full. Anyway, I don't feel too bad now aside from the unpleasantries of living on a toilet and just stomach discomfort. It's 1/10 as bad as I thought it would be. What the night brings is a question mark.

[weaver71]

Sorry it took so long to get back. A local aftercare team are people around you that know about your addiction for accountability and support. Counseling that helps identify triggers and rationalization. People you do activities with or hobbie companions that replace laying in bed on pills reading. Counselors, Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, are all good choices for forming an aftercare team. When I was too frustrated to type on here, to sick to go to a meeting, and hadn't started any counseling, I had people watching me. I had made the decision to quit, while in as clear a state of mind as I could be. I set up my life so that failure was not an option. My supply was cut, my family finally got an honest discussion from me, and I started trying different things daily to deal with the mental/emotional part of addiction. I had a recovering friend call me daily, and I could call him anytime for encouragement.

We know what is right. I have sat and listened to drunks, opiate addicts, even XTC addicts sit around after taking a dose and dreaming of the day they will be happy without drugs or alcohol. We get these moments of clarity, I did. I had to make a choice, no half hearted choice, but set up my life so that getting clean was my only option. When I rationalized, I had to find another solution. I have pain, bad memories, crappy childhood, and drugs worked for awhile. They stopped working and made more problems. An aftercare team, to me, is a system of people who help me to do what I already want to do anyway, they help remind me.

Try to find a sober person you can share your struggle with that goes to your gym and can work out with you. Start listening to sober people's stories and how they solve problems, pain, sadness, anger. All day, everyday, search for solutions that do not involve your drug of choice. After several months, you will instinctive reach for those tools, not the pill bottle. Life does not have to be like Groundhog Day. I have heard that comparison a lot, because many of us feel that way. With time, it gets worse. It's like Groundhog Day combined with Schindler's List. Don't wait till then, I wish I hadn't.

Good to see you trying to break patterns, that helps too. Keep trying something new, you will find your way. Keep up the good fight.

[EvolverU]

Hey, you can get a powdered Cal/Mag/Potassium formula. 'Natural Calm' worked pretty well for me. Be careful @ the library if 'reading material' (?!?!) triggers you. (smiling..you're right, I've never heard that one in 30+ yrs of war stories!) I love the Groundhog Day analogy & I know what you mean. I think that the most important thing you mentioned was this:

If my scenery and daily grind aren't dramatically changed i will use again.

It's so true that we just can't see the same people or go to the same places that we did when we used. We've gotta' design a whole new life & ways to safeguard it. It's tough, I know & I really fought it for a long time. You're doing great. Have a good one @ the gym & be careful w/ your back [like I've gotta' remind you!] Talk to you later, my friend.

[backpacker102]

I only use/abuse when im alone and have access to reading material{odd but true}. So I have to be social even if I dont want to, I have to ask for help doing physical things{even though im stubborn and hate asking for anything}. I had a set back moving an air conditioner a few days ago. It used to be nothing, now it causes trauma on my spine. It would be nice to find a true friend or girlfriend..but that's not really part of the sobriety plan. My daily grind is what kept me using. My life was very similar to Groundhog Day the movie. If my scenery and daily grind aren't dramatically changed i will use again. So for today im going to the gym shortly, followed by the library, food shopping for healthier foods,have to find some potassium foods other than bananas since im highly allergic. I guess my key element is being social and not locking myself in my own world/mind.

[HappyDays2Come]

YAY!!! That's the spirit! You can do this, and the sooner you do the sooner you'll realize how much better life is without the constant pill counting, chasing, and taking. I'm only 15 days clean and my mornings are already getting better (more clarity and energy). Just remember that getting clean and healthy is a process and to not expect too much of yourself too quickly. Thinking "will I ever feel good again?" and "will I ever have energy again?" are normal thoughts. Just don't let your mind play tricks on you and remember that you WILL feel better, so much better. Just give your body and mind some time. We're here cheering you on!

[EvolverU]

Sorry! should read: 'Glad to hear you so positive & brave..

[EvolverU]

Glad to hear of you positive & brave today. Way to get back on that horse. As my friend Toothfairie (above) said don't be afraid to fail, be afraid not to try. So, any thoughts on what you might try differently this time?

[backpacker102]

Thank you for all the comments, experience and advice. Today will be my first day sober. Change is good, I just have to make the effort for the changes.

[CKN30]

I am 2 weeks clean and the twitching and RLS is still there :/ take a Tylenol Pm maybe :) and a good hot Epsom salt bath before bed. A lot of it is just restless energy and mind wandering. So find a way to relax before bed ;) you got this!!

[VICourageous]

Wow this was some good reading..I think everyone of my MH friends hit it ALL..This post reminds me of some of my thinking now and then. I sit here at the age 57 and can remember my first drink and drug at the age 14. All those Years of using and boozing I thought it was just to party or it was fun and I always could walk away when the party was over or when I got tired of the Substance..Well the year came snd I got really hooked in the late 90s. This took me for 16year and the last 12 was Really, Really out of control. It was the fact I would get my Methadone prescribed so I thought that was OK. Then I just went up & up and ALL the ways to get it and all the waiting games, the money spent, and the long ash driving made me think a bit..Oh but that did not stop there. Then I was buying Adderral of the streets to snort with my Methadone so I got wired up and ran in circles. Then a benzo at night to come down.  For about10 years I cried for help but I was SO scared of w/ds. Finally I knew I had become a bad addict and there is more to it that meets the eye. Like they say when We Use to Live and Live to Use. This is the big problem here..All our survival instincts go out the door only to have Drug seeking behavior that takes over. SO
  We have to give it to our God or whatever your Higher Power might be..
  We have to really want it and for me it was do or die.
  The Journey into Recovery can not be Walked alone.
  Stay away from my old stopping grounds and people,places and things.
  Honesty to ALL (family, Dr, Dentist, Pharmacy, etc.)
  Studying the Map of the Brain and I learn what Substances hit what Transmitters and Receptor in the Brain.

Set up BOUNDARIES and learn to deal with what might cause TRIGGERS.
If you have pain issues and need to have them for pain then make sure it is given to someone to hand them out to you on a very strict schedule.
TIME is the GREATEST HEALER and I do think if you would just trust your self and give it time you might see that the grass is greener on the other side..I sure do wish you the best in Life..Please give it a try to stay clean your blessing just might come rolling in.
vickie

[ricart70]

Great posts from above!! I can't think of anything to add except to reiterate that you should keep trying.Just as addiction catches up to us,recovery also has a way of catching up to us.The more we really really try,the more we succeed    

[toothfairie]

hey there....don't be afraid of failing....be afraid of "not" trying again....it will stick if you stay with it long enough....you have us here to help you thru the WDs...for the RLS..i've heard Hyland's Restless Leg is good, get it at walmart or other stores....also make sure you are getting enough potassium and magnesium in your diet...eat lots of bananas......it comes and goes for me stil at 9 months clean...i never even had it during WDs....just for the past few months every now at then at bedtime.  Keep you chin up...stay strong and make up your mind you really really want to be clean....cut your sources out as well...tell your doctors and pharmacist that you are stopping and want off them...if you have any outside friends that you get them from....do the same thing....lose the number or tell them not to offer them to you...you can do this....keep trying...relapse is not the failure, you not trying again is the failing part  :))  keep us posted on how you are doing ok?

[backpacker102]

Thanks for posting. Im afraid of failing again. I thought i was strong enough not to fail the first time less than 2 weeks ago.I got through the really hard withdrawal part and then gave in. Im afraid of the sickness, depression, so much time spent in bed or on the toilet. On top of all that im sooooo irritable. I am going to try again though. I will shower, hit the gym, I have a lineup of vitamins{i do have to get some stomachs stuff} and something for restless leg. Are there any great ones out there for the twitching in bed at night?

[CKN30]

Been where you are. Pills just to make life make sense and to feel normal. The only thing you think makes you happy.  2 weeks clean and I am happier than ever. We sound a lot alike. Push yourself and you will reach a point that you think you can't push anymore, but keep on :) you will have bad days but I promise that good day and many good days are right around the corner. Just take that step of the horrid cold turkey. You have an amazing support group here. I am a 30 year old nurse, my whole life ahead of me. Like you!! I am here if you need me!

[LisaH_NYC]

One day at a time, my friend. And if that is too much, one hour at a time.  You CAN do this. I am sending you strength and good vibes, one addict to another. Just today, that is all you have to worry about. If you break it down into small chunks, its so much easier to manage. You believe in fate? You were meant to be here today as was I. I am proud of you for your honesty. I am a stubborn person, I am a rational person, I am a good person, but still, addiction got me. I chose not to use today, that is all you have to do.

[backpacker102]

I needed to read your post. I have a good relationship with my doctor and oddly enough my pharmacist is very sympathetic to my medical problem. Those combined make for a good user. She has enough trust and saw my medical documentation so she is comfortable with the whole phoning in Vic's{not Percs-illegal}. But back to the point. I need to stay sober and understand the one day at a time thing. My overactive mine thinks about tomorrow straight through months from now. I actually think about tomorrow more than today. Im going to get out now instead of taking another pill. So thank you all. Im not making any promises but I am going to take what i read from everyone today seriously.

[LisaH_NYC]

If you did not like NA meetings, it could be that you are still fighting your addiction. And I get that. who wants to feel powerless? but the good part about being powerless is that you can take your power back. Like you said, put fuel in your gas tank and know that you CAN say no to the drugs. That is how we win. That is how we BEAT our addiction. I have not been to meetings in years. I found it very sad to see the people who helped me when I was newly sober die off and to see new people relapse. I do know, for me, it was essential to learn about my disease. So read the literature at home if you can keep an open mind. Take what makes sense to you. Try to leave an open mind to the rest of it. I struggle with the higher power concept. Some days I believe in one, other days I think its a big lie. On those days, I use the people here and in my life who have more time than me as my higher power, and I listen to what they say. I am not a meeting Nazi by any stretch, its just a suggestion that helped me when I was kicking booze. You are strong; you are here. you are are trying, You are addressing your addiction. I am on your side! Keep trying. Practice makes perfect. It took me months to actually stop the pills. My last 5 or 6 orders, I swore they were my last. I had to be KICKED OFF the pills to get off. I live in NY and they would no longer fill my orders due to a law change. I was furious. l was a GREAT customer! But that was my bottom, and I had no where to go but up. And now I actually see that lack of access to pills as a blessing. I know its harder when you have pain. I have migraines. I now have to take over the counter stuff for them and its not the same, but I am learning to live with the physical pain to avoid the emotional pain of addiction. Keep posting! I truly am rooting for you!

[backpacker102]

You are 100% right, I need to stop rationalizing and accept that there will be triggers no matter what. Sometimes I think im a bright bulb and doing the right thing...and other times just a plain fool. Thank you for your comment.

[backpacker102]

To lisa, I guess the answer is yes. The part of me that is in opposition to the word addict is giving the drug more power then me. I want to believe I am strong than it and I will stop. I believe I am powerless over fate, whether I get hit by a car in traffic etc etc. But I don't believe that this pill is stronger than me. I apologize if i sound like a drug rookie, a jerk, someone completely naive, etc. I almost feel like you put fuel in my gas tank to give a giant F U to the drug. As I said in my previous post, NA meetings were not beneficial to me. I do feel that this message board is beneficial and more than likely I will be talking to people outside of NA meetings because I need the support outside, rather than in a controlled room environment. If that makes sense, good. If not, maybe im not good with words.

[backpacker102]

Those are very good questions and my answers probably are ones of a coward. I didn't tell my doctor because im afraid to be in the pain ive been in and be cut off. It cost me a fortune to get into his practice and don't want to burn my bridges per se. I dont know what a local aftercare team is, so i cant really comment on that. How much advice have I put into action? Honestly, probably 50% . I did the working out, trying to make myself more social, went to NA meetings and things like that. I did not stop my spine doc appt. and I can't say honestly that I regret it. I have free will to stop using and I stopped for over a week. I really did get past the withdrawal part which was my biggest fear besides pain and vomiting from it. When I'm not on meds, essentially im not employed because im in bed dealing with the pain. My job is very physical and I haven't been able to do it without at least 1 pill in my system. I do have things I want to do this week. Im not religious, but I do want to see a priest or maybe even go to a mass for some spiritual intervention. No offense to any people that like NA, but I HATE IT. I get 10x more out of talking on here then i do there. I feel very alienated and do not related at the meetings. I go home from them feeling worse than i did going in. Call me a weirdo, but it's true. So part of that sentence is a thank you for being here to respond and talk with me.

[LisaH_NYC]

You take pills because you are an addict, yes? Do you believe that you are an addict?  If you believe that, then any "reasons" you think you use are really just excuses. You have a disease. No matter what you take, you will become addicted to it, if it changes your mood or alters your mind or makes you feel good. At first, we can take it or leave it, but once you cross that invisible line, CHOICE goes out the window and addiction takes over.
I was sober from alcohol and all drugs for 13 years, knowing full well that I was an alcoholic, believing it completely, and still, I chose to believe that PILLS would be different. That I could "control' them. It was 3 or 4 weeks later that I thought, This is nuts, I am taking them every day, 8 a day, its out of control.. and I stopped. I went into full withdrawal the next day. To avoid that horrible feeling of withdrawal, I took the pills another almost 5 years....the whole time knowing I was an addict. Sure, I told myself it was because I hated my job, my relationship was bumpy at the time, the world was a mess... it was raining...I was bored... whatever the excuse, the REASON I took them was because I am an addict. I come from a great family too.  it has nothing to do with childhood traumas, bad relationships, whatever. Most people have those and they don't run to pills and booze like we do. We put something in our bodies and we can't stop. We have one speed: MORE. Once I realized that I was just kidding myself and I was tired of being a slave to a substance, and when the pill train ran out, I stopped. I hated every minute of it, but 85 days later, I am grateful that I no longer am a slave to a pill.  Have you tried NA or AA? I know that I would NEVER have stayed sober if I had not gone to meetings and learned about my disease. Its anonymous there too, and it may be very helpful to you. Good luck to you, and know there is nothing special or different about anyone here and you; if we can do it, you can too. We are no stronger, no better, no smarter, nothing... we just don't use, one day at a time. I will not use today, I will worry about tomorrow when it gets here. I am relatively new at being clean from pills, and I still have ALOT to learn and I know I will have bad days and triggers and cravings down the road. I will post here on my bad days just like you did. Thank you for your post. It reminded me that I am an addict and that is something I cannot forget, or I am doomed to repeat the past.

[backpacker102]

Thanks for writing. I can understand using to avoid being sick, trust me. Part of me is there right now. I understand the complete waste of money on this crap..doesn't take a huge brain to get that. I can be completely rational and still make the stupid decision to continue. I had over a week clean very recently and i blew it. I have access to other things to get me "high" but don't want it. I guess im a selective little ******* with my drug use. The people that know about my spine issue encourage my use of pain meds because they see how I am{total d ck and in a ball on the floor in pain} when im off meds. Even my own mom my was okay with me trying pain meds and weed of all things. I grew up in a super strict house, so that last sentence is mind blowing for me. Anyway, I was trying to avoid the proverbial "losing everything" and stopping on my own. Aside from a lot of money and a lot of wasted time, i havent lost everything and i dont want to. That's why im on this forum and why I need to get my fckin act straight. I apologize for the language but Im so pissed at myself for being in this position. I could have paid off debt, got my pets some fun toys or a new dog house...or just in general used money wisely and i didnt. I dont have insurance so I pay out the *** for my MRIs, drugs, appts etc. This sht needs to stop and I need to pull some mind over matter stuff to manage the pain. Wish I had rich relatives to borrow money from{not for drugs}.