Trying....Again!!

[Ladybug9705]

Once again I am trying to quit taking lortab. Nov 2010 I quit for 4 months and in Sept 2011 I quit for almost 2 months. Each time I started taking them I thought I could just take one or two. I know I can not continue this pattern. I am so tired of taking pills, counting pills and worrying about where my next fix will come from or how I will pay for it. My husband thinks I have been clean since the week before Christmas. Truth is I have been taking more the past few weeks than I ever have. I have been taking 12-15 pills a day. I am at the of my rope. This madness must stop! I want the "normal me" back. I want to wake up and think about how blessed I am not wake up and make a mad dash for the pill bottle. I want to feel good. I just want to be normal and be able to function and play with my kids without having to take a couple of pills first. I took my last 10mg lortab about 3 hours ago so by the time I wake up in the morning I will be in withdrawl. I know the next few days are going to be terrible. Please just say a little prayer for me that I can get through this. I will be heading to bed soon so I can get a good nights rest before the insomnia starts. Tomorrow when I am feeling like death I will be on here reading posts. They inspire me so much!! Thanks to everyone here for sharing your stories and letting me know I am not alone.

[ImDONENoMore]

You'll get there.  I won't lie to you, it is a long road (recovery) but one we have to travel to get to the other side.  There's no way around that and I don't think there should be.  We NEED to remember these days.  If it was easy, we'd keep going back and making the same mistakes over and over again thinking it's easy to get out.  But it's not.  And it's totally doable to do this at home.  You just have to prepare yourself for all of it and find a really good aftercare program.  And that's up to you what you think will benefit you the most.  We all have different personalities and respond to different things when getting well.  But one day at a time for now okay?  Just take care of yourself like you would if you had the worst flu of your life (it kinda feels like that anyway right?) and for now, you'll need to put your recovery over everything else.  Because until you're well, you aren't really there for your loved ones are you?  They NEED YOU to be strong and healthy.  So it's okay, for now, to make yourself the priority.  The rest will come with time.

:)

[kyle505]

You really shouldn't beat yourself up. IF you were the only person on this site, then maybe. If you haven't already, read the posts here; hundreds and hundreds. The meds may be different, but the stories are the same. We are prone to addiction; it's how we address our cravings that defines us. As stated above, I too have a family. I can't tell you how many times I chose the meds over my family. Do I think about that sometimes? You bet. Do I regret the time wasted? Yep. Am I doing something to change that, and it will never happen again? Absolutely. Use what you've done to motivate you, a road map of sorts. Don't travel those roads again. You have something to look forward to.

[dominosarah]

You are a good person Ladybug.  Try and not beat yourself up about that.  You are doing something now to change the old behavior.  You will laugh again and be happier than you were before.  Take baby steps, you can do this!!

[Ladybug9705]

Thanks to you all for the encouraging words. It really does help to know I am not alone in this. This is the only place I where I can be completly honest. I feel so guilty for what I have put my kids and husband through. I just hope I can be happy again without pills. I want to laugh again. I remember six days into my last detox I laughed with my husband till cried over something silly. That was the first time had laughed like that in as long as I could remember. It was amazing. I have been crying a little today when I start beating myself up over what I have become. A liar a thier and horrible wife mother and daughter. Why? How did all of this happen? I just pray God is hearing my prayers to pull me throuh to the other side and make me a better person!!

[kyle505]

P.S.
Just want to clarify the "work" reference...I too have a family, and going through detox and still interacting with your family is work. Good work, but work. It will test you, but in my case it made me do things, and that was also good.

[kyle505]

Congratulations on 18 hours. One of my favorite quotes, found on this site, is..."count the seconds, count the minutes, what ever it takes to get you through".  Your story sounds a lot like mine - and a lot like most of the people on this site. Over the past ten or more years I've abused pain meds; most recently over a year of taking 8 - 10 Norco 10s a day. Like you I've detoxed several times, BUT this last time (I'm 13 days clean today) was horrible. Nothing like I've ever experienced before. So, all I can add is, I think as you get older, and the more you put your system through detox, it gets worse. You are doing the right thing, you know that. I hope your detox isn't too bad (considering you have to work), but at the same time most of us need to go through hell in order to stay clean. I wish you the best; I admire your desire to stop.