Aa
You don't know me, but you are like family
Hello MH family! I have been lurking on this site for over a year and never got up the nerve to post. I have followed all of you. Your getting clean, your struggles with WD's, your (unfortunate) relapses. A lot of the posts have brought me to tears. You see, I have been there. This is a VERY long story, but will try to make it as short as possible.
My love affair with opiates began in 2003. My best friend and I were in my medicine cabinet looking for something and I had an old bottle of Vicodin from when I had a root canal done. It had been there over a year and I had never touched it. My friend: OMG!! You have Vicodin?? Let's take some!! Me: But I'm not in any pain. My friend: You dork! You don't have to be in any pain to take them!! I will never forget that day and how I should have just said no and given them to her....
Fast forward 3 years and I am now taking 15-17 10/325 Norcos daily. I always got them legally. Through a pain clinic where I was going due to chronic pelvic pain. I also was working for an OB/GYN Dr at the time that I had been working at for 13 years. He and I were very close. He was writing me Rx's also and I would take those when I ran out early from the ones the clinic had given me. One of my duties at work was to open the mail. One day I opened an envelope from the DEA. Guess who it was about? Yep. Me. It had a list of all the Rx's I had got, both of the prescribing Dr's and the myriad of different pharmacies I used. I kept that letter in my purse for 2 days while I tried to figure out what to do. I sat down with my boss, physician and best friend and handed it to him while I cried.
I took a leave of absence from work to attend outpatient rehab 5 days a week. The dr who ran the program put me on Subutex. They didn't have strips back then, it was a pill. I went down a little bit every week til I was on a little tiny chunk and then I stopped. I think I was on it about 3 months. I had no WD's at all when I stopped. I never did any kind of real aftercare except that I started attending a unity church. I got very into holistic things like acupuncture, yoga and meditation. I was doing and feeling great. Then after awhile, I started to slack off....
Fast forward to 2009. I had almost 2 years clean, except for the occasional Vicodin Rx when I had dental work or whatnot. Then I started having really bad almost daily headaches. I went to my GP and they gave me Darvocet. Do you think I said anything about my history as an addict? Of course not! My marriage was failing and I was generally unhappy and I know now I was looking to feel numb again. I took the Darvocet, always running out early of course, for about 6 months. I think Darvocet has been pulled off the market now. My GP finally wised up and said no more and I was opiate free for a year.
In 2010, I started getting really bad pain on the left side of my lower back. I went to an urgent care (they were also a GP) and they gave me Vicodin (yay!! in my head) and ordered an MRI. The MRI showed that I had a herniated disk in that area. They said I needed to go to physical therapy. I did and it made it worse. Worse than that, one of the guys doing stretches and massage on me started trying to touch places he shouldn't. He was fired shortly after when I complained. So, I was referred to a pain management clinic. Here we go again....
The dr they sent me to was great. Female, only her in the practice and we got along like best friends. She started me on Oxycontin twice a day and Norco up to 6 a day for breakthrough pain. I never liked Oxycontin. I loved my Norco though and I would always run out early and came up with a million excuses to get them early. She finally ran a report, however they do and saw that I had been getting them too often, using different pharmacies, etc. On my routine monthly visit, she confronted me and told me she was dropping me as a patient. She gave me the name of another pain dr I could go to.
So, I started with him and am with him to this day. His practice is nuts. Sooo busy. I think he is basically a drug dealer with a degree. I am on Norco 10/325, supposed to take up to 7 a day. I was doing ok with that until I had an incident in January where I had something go wrong with my right leg and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I have some kind of Neuropathy and RSD in my right leg. It is extremely painful. The hospital gave me Percocet 10/325. So then I was on that AND Norco. I went to my GP who gave me more percs and of course my pain dr is giving me Norcos.
So the point I'm at now is I am taking about 5 Percocets and 8 Norcos a day. I know that I could probably manage my pain without them. I know it is a matter of time until I get "caught" again. I left my husband a little over a year ago and that was very painful. Not sure if I'm ready to feel yet....
I just wanted to share my story with you all and let you know how inspirational all of you are. I know I can do this. I have before. I think my problem was no aftercare. Plus, it is just too easy to go down the street to an urgent care and get your drug of choice. How does anyone stay clean when your d.o.c. is something that has a legitimate purpose? Why can other people have these in their house for years and not touch them and I cannot??
I am not clean or really trying to get clean, so I probably don't deserve to post on here with you wonderful, strong people. Just know that I am reading all of your posts. Everyday. I smile and cry along with you. My day will come :) I think it will be soon. Since I have been lurking here for over a year, deep down inside I think I am craving sobriety. This will definitely be the place I come for support :) Love and strength to all of you!
My love affair with opiates began in 2003. My best friend and I were in my medicine cabinet looking for something and I had an old bottle of Vicodin from when I had a root canal done. It had been there over a year and I had never touched it. My friend: OMG!! You have Vicodin?? Let's take some!! Me: But I'm not in any pain. My friend: You dork! You don't have to be in any pain to take them!! I will never forget that day and how I should have just said no and given them to her....
Fast forward 3 years and I am now taking 15-17 10/325 Norcos daily. I always got them legally. Through a pain clinic where I was going due to chronic pelvic pain. I also was working for an OB/GYN Dr at the time that I had been working at for 13 years. He and I were very close. He was writing me Rx's also and I would take those when I ran out early from the ones the clinic had given me. One of my duties at work was to open the mail. One day I opened an envelope from the DEA. Guess who it was about? Yep. Me. It had a list of all the Rx's I had got, both of the prescribing Dr's and the myriad of different pharmacies I used. I kept that letter in my purse for 2 days while I tried to figure out what to do. I sat down with my boss, physician and best friend and handed it to him while I cried.
I took a leave of absence from work to attend outpatient rehab 5 days a week. The dr who ran the program put me on Subutex. They didn't have strips back then, it was a pill. I went down a little bit every week til I was on a little tiny chunk and then I stopped. I think I was on it about 3 months. I had no WD's at all when I stopped. I never did any kind of real aftercare except that I started attending a unity church. I got very into holistic things like acupuncture, yoga and meditation. I was doing and feeling great. Then after awhile, I started to slack off....
Fast forward to 2009. I had almost 2 years clean, except for the occasional Vicodin Rx when I had dental work or whatnot. Then I started having really bad almost daily headaches. I went to my GP and they gave me Darvocet. Do you think I said anything about my history as an addict? Of course not! My marriage was failing and I was generally unhappy and I know now I was looking to feel numb again. I took the Darvocet, always running out early of course, for about 6 months. I think Darvocet has been pulled off the market now. My GP finally wised up and said no more and I was opiate free for a year.
In 2010, I started getting really bad pain on the left side of my lower back. I went to an urgent care (they were also a GP) and they gave me Vicodin (yay!! in my head) and ordered an MRI. The MRI showed that I had a herniated disk in that area. They said I needed to go to physical therapy. I did and it made it worse. Worse than that, one of the guys doing stretches and massage on me started trying to touch places he shouldn't. He was fired shortly after when I complained. So, I was referred to a pain management clinic. Here we go again....
The dr they sent me to was great. Female, only her in the practice and we got along like best friends. She started me on Oxycontin twice a day and Norco up to 6 a day for breakthrough pain. I never liked Oxycontin. I loved my Norco though and I would always run out early and came up with a million excuses to get them early. She finally ran a report, however they do and saw that I had been getting them too often, using different pharmacies, etc. On my routine monthly visit, she confronted me and told me she was dropping me as a patient. She gave me the name of another pain dr I could go to.
So, I started with him and am with him to this day. His practice is nuts. Sooo busy. I think he is basically a drug dealer with a degree. I am on Norco 10/325, supposed to take up to 7 a day. I was doing ok with that until I had an incident in January where I had something go wrong with my right leg and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I have some kind of Neuropathy and RSD in my right leg. It is extremely painful. The hospital gave me Percocet 10/325. So then I was on that AND Norco. I went to my GP who gave me more percs and of course my pain dr is giving me Norcos.
So the point I'm at now is I am taking about 5 Percocets and 8 Norcos a day. I know that I could probably manage my pain without them. I know it is a matter of time until I get "caught" again. I left my husband a little over a year ago and that was very painful. Not sure if I'm ready to feel yet....
I just wanted to share my story with you all and let you know how inspirational all of you are. I know I can do this. I have before. I think my problem was no aftercare. Plus, it is just too easy to go down the street to an urgent care and get your drug of choice. How does anyone stay clean when your d.o.c. is something that has a legitimate purpose? Why can other people have these in their house for years and not touch them and I cannot??
I am not clean or really trying to get clean, so I probably don't deserve to post on here with you wonderful, strong people. Just know that I am reading all of your posts. Everyday. I smile and cry along with you. My day will come :) I think it will be soon. Since I have been lurking here for over a year, deep down inside I think I am craving sobriety. This will definitely be the place I come for support :) Love and strength to all of you!
Wow girl - what a journey you have had. I, like you, lurked awhile before posting and completely understand the feelings you are having of the MH folks and their stories. It is very cool to be a part of this site and meet all of these wonderful friends who are genuinely caring, loving and supportive.
Before long, you will be caught again and things may not be so easy to get out of...you could have some serious legal ramifications. With that said, please look out for you. This is your life and we only get one. We are here to support you! Writing your first post was a HUGE deal. You should be so proud of you - I know I am. You are worth fighting for dear girl!
Prayers and hugs your way!
Before long, you will be caught again and things may not be so easy to get out of...you could have some serious legal ramifications. With that said, please look out for you. This is your life and we only get one. We are here to support you! Writing your first post was a HUGE deal. You should be so proud of you - I know I am. You are worth fighting for dear girl!
Prayers and hugs your way!
Oh, man, how I relate. Especially the eternal question "Why can some people just leave these in their homes and never touch em while I cannot?" I still ask that, having never, ever been addicted to anything before I met norco (and same, norco blew every opiate out of the water for me, too.) But, it doesn't matter. Addiction is "cunning, baffling and powerful." I'm sure you've heard that.
I loved reading your honest, articulate post. But it made me sad. And tired for you. So many years of trouble and bullsh!t, manipulating, lying to everyone: being an addict is a full time job. W/O any benefits. You may not realize it, but "lurking" around and reading for a year is a step. In the right direction.
You said the most important thing of all at the end: I'm not ready. Well, that says it all. And why not? You gotta really ask yourself, why not? What are you afraid of? Also, (gonna be a bit direct here), it's safe to assume that you wrote all that great stuff while high. (You may not feel "high" anymore, just normal) but you are still writing as you are numbed, feeling no pain, and are still planning your next dose. You aren't YOU. The real, cool you under there. Can you write again, when you are detoxing? All the great support above will feel and look different when you are sober. Please post under whatever influence you are, that's totally fine, no judgement. I just mean for you to get the benefit of what everyone wrote AND what you wrote, when you are totally clear headed. And if you want your next detox to be your last, (you know this), everyone on here will virtually hold your hand step by step.
Amazing post, Deedee. It really struck me and I feel so bad for you. Please keep posting.
I loved reading your honest, articulate post. But it made me sad. And tired for you. So many years of trouble and bullsh!t, manipulating, lying to everyone: being an addict is a full time job. W/O any benefits. You may not realize it, but "lurking" around and reading for a year is a step. In the right direction.
You said the most important thing of all at the end: I'm not ready. Well, that says it all. And why not? You gotta really ask yourself, why not? What are you afraid of? Also, (gonna be a bit direct here), it's safe to assume that you wrote all that great stuff while high. (You may not feel "high" anymore, just normal) but you are still writing as you are numbed, feeling no pain, and are still planning your next dose. You aren't YOU. The real, cool you under there. Can you write again, when you are detoxing? All the great support above will feel and look different when you are sober. Please post under whatever influence you are, that's totally fine, no judgement. I just mean for you to get the benefit of what everyone wrote AND what you wrote, when you are totally clear headed. And if you want your next detox to be your last, (you know this), everyone on here will virtually hold your hand step by step.
Amazing post, Deedee. It really struck me and I feel so bad for you. Please keep posting.
Wow. Just wow. I logged in expecting maybe one or two replies. I hadn't even read any of the posts and I saw that there were 8 replies and I started to cry. You're all right. Maybe I am ready. jifmoc - wow. Your post resonated the most with me. You are so spot on. Nope, I don't feel "high". That went away a long time ago, as all of you long time users know. I take them to get out of bed, take care of my 4-year-old and take care of my household. That is so sad. I don't want to be dependent on pills to be able to do that. Question - before u guys got clean, did you look at other people just walking down the street going about their day and wonder, how do they function without taking pills? Why can't I be like that?
These posts have really made me think sooner rather than later. I knew before this you were all wonderful people. After reading my post, where I state I am still using, you are still so non-judgemental and loving and supportive. I am going to be doing some serious thinking....
Thank god for all of you. You have no idea what you have just done for me....
These posts have really made me think sooner rather than later. I knew before this you were all wonderful people. After reading my post, where I state I am still using, you are still so non-judgemental and loving and supportive. I am going to be doing some serious thinking....
Thank god for all of you. You have no idea what you have just done for me....
I,m not here to be harsh but you just stated I,m going to be doing some serious thinking.lady this is,nt about serious thinking.this is,nt a game.whats it gonna take for you?the scenario you described sounds like the only thing you got left is jails ,institutions and death.everyone appreciates the fact your reading post but you said it has been a year and now your gonna seriously think about it.what more do you have to reflect on? wish ya well.
That was extremely harsh and downright rude. By the way, my name is not lady.
I think you ARE being overly harsh, and it does not sound like DeeDee is anywhere near "jails, institutions, or death". I think it's great that she's doing serious thinking, because for some of us, serious thinking is what led to getting clean.
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
