Aa
close to the edge
I am really close to slitting my wrists. I see no other option. I am at day 17 clean of a year addiction to vicodin and I am feeling so incredibly bad that I feel as though I can not go on. I feel that my family will be so much better off without me and I feel that this will never go away. Everyone tells me that it gets better, but yet it seems to be getting worse. I have tried exercising and vitamins and everything but nothing is working. This is no way to live. Someone out there please offer me some hope and reason to live before it is too late. I am at the edge.
You've gotten some great responses but I wanted to add a bit of my 2cents. Looking at my life from the outside, you'd probably think I have a perfect life! I'm 29 years old, professional female with a great job, great husband, living in a great home, planning a family...etc. I've been 8 months cleaned from hydrocodone. I started using it because of the way it made me feel. My husband got them for his back injury and I started taking them for my menstrual cramps...next thing I know, I was just this superwoman! I would get 5 loads of laundry done, get groceries, do all the cooking for the week, , clean the entire house, detail our cars, groom my cat...you name it! I'd finish a whole weeks work in one day! I'm sure some of you know what I mean? But, I knew that could not be my way of life forever and I wanted to have a family and be normal again. So, after using it for 6 months I decided to quit cold turkey. See, the physical part of the WD was bad but I could deal with it...the mental part was what got me! I was so depressed and anxious! I really didn't feel like living anymore. But, I knew it was going to pass. You need to keep telling yourself that this is going to pass. Don't give up! You will get through this! Don't let the depression get to you. Go for a walk/run, go online, watch your favorite tv shows, help other overcome their addiction...find a purpose. You'll be ok.
As a 25 + year coke addict, I feel you on this one. I have thought and contemplated suicide many a time. Even went so far as to check out life insurance suicide clauses. thought that if I got a few hundred g's worth of life insurance, waited out the suicide clause, then did it.... my kids n wife would have a tona cash n no addict to deal with. then I was informed ( correctly i might add) that theres no amount of money that can make your family happier than they are by having you in their lives. keep your chin up, as every one here says... it does get better.
Much luv
Much luv
Hi Tphelp,
You have gotten some really great advice and I agree that you may be on the wrong antidepressant....call you doctor on Monday (if it can wait) but if you still feel like hurting yourself then you can go to your nearest emergency room and tell them exactly what is happening.
Suicide is a permenant solution for a temporary problem. Hang in there and keep talking with us....
Jules
You have gotten some really great advice and I agree that you may be on the wrong antidepressant....call you doctor on Monday (if it can wait) but if you still feel like hurting yourself then you can go to your nearest emergency room and tell them exactly what is happening.
Suicide is a permenant solution for a temporary problem. Hang in there and keep talking with us....
Jules
You have received some great advice so far. Many of us have thought the same way. We have to realize this is our addiction talking! There is plenty of help out there and you should not be ashamed to seek the help. That is why it's there. Like someone said above, this forum is not enough right now. I lost my sister about 3 years ago and have seen first hand what death can do to a family. Just think of the pain and suffering you will put them through. I know it seems like your suffering may be worse, but it is not the true you thinking right now. These pills are evil and will do all they can to destroy our lives. We have to remember, they don't just destroy our lives, but also the ones around us. We are all have our purpose here on earth, we just have to find it. The world is a better place with you here whether your realize it right now or not. Please know that it will get better. Please dig deep and find your purpose. It will happen and life will get much better with time. Please talk to a doctor, a friend, anyone. You will be surprised how much help and support you will get. You know you have many reasons to live. Hang in there and keep fighting. It is worth every second of it!
Your feelings are real and serious. This site is not enough help right now! Please tell someone near you how you feel. Go right into the local emergency room and tell them you are afraid that you might try to kill yourself and need help.
We have all been there and survived. Right now you need to get to a safe place with lots of emotional support right at hand!!!!!
Remember things ALWAYS GET BETTER, IF YOU DON"T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have all been there and survived. Right now you need to get to a safe place with lots of emotional support right at hand!!!!!
Remember things ALWAYS GET BETTER, IF YOU DON"T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I spent a long time thinking that killing myself was simply the best and only good option to the mess I had created. As I tried to explain to a counsler once, "I'm NOT suicidal, I have simply figured out that it would be best for everyone if I were dead."
That assertion had actually made sense to me, but saying it outloud it sure sounded like "hello, I'm suicidal."
I have since learned that thinking of (or planning or attempting) suicide is just another part of the disease of addiction. There can be no mistake about what the beast wants - the disease of addiction wants you dead. One way or another, it wants to kill you.
Most of the people I know now, outside of work, are in recovery. All of them, every single one, went through periods in the latter part of their using or drinking where death seemed like the only rational choice.
There were many days where it was necessary for me to use "one day at a time" not to just not-using, but to not killing myself too. There were many, many days in early recovery when I "realized" that I just couldn't go any longer without using, that I had been fooling myself all along, and that I was an idiot for thinking that it would be possible for me to stay clean. On those day I'd be forced to say "F it, I'm going to use . . . TOMORROW, but not today."
I had to do the same thing with the need to kill myself.
The whole "one day at a time" thing is worth really thinking about. For the longest time I thought it was nothing more that a stupid trick for stupid people, much like setting your watch ahead so you wouldn't be late anymore. Well, that might work if I didn't know my watch was fast, but I'm not an idiot so I will know it's fast and I'm not going to be fooled by what the watch says . . . I'll know what time it really is.
Likewise, I knew that when idiots kept telling me "one day at a time," they were really talking about FOREVER and I already knew that I CAN'T NOT-USE FOREVER.
It finally clicked for me in my second rehab. A counselor, in recovery herself, asked me "why are you so afraid of relapsing?" I told her "because I ALWAYS relapse . . . sooner or later, I always relapse. She asked "are you going to use TODAY?" I said, "well, no. I'm not going to use today. But you don't understand . . . sooner or . . . ." She interrupted me "no, YOU don't understand. If you're not going to use today, then you're doing everything you can possibly do, you're doing everything that anyone can ask of you. We don't worry about tomorrow, or next week or next month. We can only worry about TODAY and if you don't use TODAY, you're doing exactly what you need to be doing."
I was stunned. A switch had been flipped. I said "Oh my God! Do you mean that when you guys say 'one day at a time,' you REALLY mean one day at a time?"
I still think of the smile on her face as she nodded at me and said "yeah, we REALLY mean it."
That made all the difference for me. Before, I was someone who was temporarily clean, because I knew that sooner or later I was probably going to relapse. I was a failure just wating for the actual event to happen.
But just-like-that, I was no longer a failure. Instead, I was a success. If I was not using TODAY, I was doing 100% of what was required of me. Suddenly, I was doing it . . . I was succeeding at recovery.
For me, the difference between walking around as a failure-waiting-to-happen and walking around as a success, made all the difference.
CATUF
Day 1,594
That assertion had actually made sense to me, but saying it outloud it sure sounded like "hello, I'm suicidal."
I have since learned that thinking of (or planning or attempting) suicide is just another part of the disease of addiction. There can be no mistake about what the beast wants - the disease of addiction wants you dead. One way or another, it wants to kill you.
Most of the people I know now, outside of work, are in recovery. All of them, every single one, went through periods in the latter part of their using or drinking where death seemed like the only rational choice.
There were many days where it was necessary for me to use "one day at a time" not to just not-using, but to not killing myself too. There were many, many days in early recovery when I "realized" that I just couldn't go any longer without using, that I had been fooling myself all along, and that I was an idiot for thinking that it would be possible for me to stay clean. On those day I'd be forced to say "F it, I'm going to use . . . TOMORROW, but not today."
I had to do the same thing with the need to kill myself.
The whole "one day at a time" thing is worth really thinking about. For the longest time I thought it was nothing more that a stupid trick for stupid people, much like setting your watch ahead so you wouldn't be late anymore. Well, that might work if I didn't know my watch was fast, but I'm not an idiot so I will know it's fast and I'm not going to be fooled by what the watch says . . . I'll know what time it really is.
Likewise, I knew that when idiots kept telling me "one day at a time," they were really talking about FOREVER and I already knew that I CAN'T NOT-USE FOREVER.
It finally clicked for me in my second rehab. A counselor, in recovery herself, asked me "why are you so afraid of relapsing?" I told her "because I ALWAYS relapse . . . sooner or later, I always relapse. She asked "are you going to use TODAY?" I said, "well, no. I'm not going to use today. But you don't understand . . . sooner or . . . ." She interrupted me "no, YOU don't understand. If you're not going to use today, then you're doing everything you can possibly do, you're doing everything that anyone can ask of you. We don't worry about tomorrow, or next week or next month. We can only worry about TODAY and if you don't use TODAY, you're doing exactly what you need to be doing."
I was stunned. A switch had been flipped. I said "Oh my God! Do you mean that when you guys say 'one day at a time,' you REALLY mean one day at a time?"
I still think of the smile on her face as she nodded at me and said "yeah, we REALLY mean it."
That made all the difference for me. Before, I was someone who was temporarily clean, because I knew that sooner or later I was probably going to relapse. I was a failure just wating for the actual event to happen.
But just-like-that, I was no longer a failure. Instead, I was a success. If I was not using TODAY, I was doing 100% of what was required of me. Suddenly, I was doing it . . . I was succeeding at recovery.
For me, the difference between walking around as a failure-waiting-to-happen and walking around as a success, made all the difference.
CATUF
Day 1,594
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