crack addicted husband

[confusedandhurt61]

I have been with my husband for 5 years now.  Recently, we moved to TX where he is from.  Three days after moving here he started smoking crack.  I was totally blown out of the water by this.  He had never used any kind of drugs the whole time we had been together.  Come to find out from his family, he has been a crack addict for about 20 years!  He had to leave TX to get himself clean.  I didn't know, and took a job smack dab in the middle of his "old stomping grounds" and as soon as the plane landed, he went looking.  I know I will never ever in a million years understand the need for it.  His actions are bizarre, and I just keep trying to make sense of it all.  I am probably still a little in denial since this just hit me three months ago.  How can a person go for 5 years without it and all of a sudden I can't turn my back on him for a minute.  He told me yesterday, "I am what I am and I'm an addict.  That is all I will ever be".  It seems like he has already made up his mind to live the "addict lifestyle".  I feel like a horrible person if I walk out on him, but I can't stand to see him act that way.  He always does it at home, and I have to sit and watch him peek around corners at me for hours.  I can't take it any more.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jaybay]

I'm more worried about a violent bout of cocaine psychosis since he's using so much on a daily basis.  It'll happen when he starts crashing and can't get any more.  Please, if you even think for one second that he is becoming violent, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.  Don't second-guess yourself.  Just go.  

One very smart person wrote something on this forum months ago when I came here, and it's stuck with me ever since.  "Support the recovery but not the addiction."  Your husband is very deep into his addiction right now and in a place that you can't reach him.  Your wealth is almost gone and he can't work in the state he's in.  It won't be long before every last cent you earn and then some goes right into his pipe, which leaves you in the position of enabler.  It's unconsious because right now you're in survival mode, but that's the end result.  There are no consequences to your husband's behavior yet because you're covering for him at work and probably other areas of life.  It's a normal reaction while we sort out the panic and try to understand what the h*ll happened to this person we loved.

Another very wise person here, gnarly, once said, "Our secrets keep us sick."  Oh boy is that true!  Apparently your husband's family did a great job of keeping his addiction a secret since you hadn't heard one word about it in all the years you've known and been married to him.  I seriously doubt he had much, if any, aftercare which allowed him to relapse so easily.  You never saw him go to an AAA or NA meeting did you?  Staying sober can be a life-long battle and he obviously never learned the skills to manage life sober.

I really am more worried about you right now.  Cocaine and methamphetamine abusers easily become violent as they come down.  They can hallucinate, become psychotic to the point of having schizophrenia-like symptoms.  The person you know isn't home anymore and you can't expect him to react to things as he once did.  This person is a stranger in a familiar shell and that's all he is.

Your husband's problem is bigger than you are.  Don't even think about taking this on by yourself.  If you eventually think an intervention is warranted (and you're still around), you'll need a professional to do it for your own safety.  Talk to his family and find out what he was like for the 20 years he used and what happened to get him clean for the few years that you've known him.  That's one way of learning what you're up against - IF they'll be straight up with you.

[confusedandhurt61]

Thanks all for the support and advice.  You are all awesome!  We did have two of his small children living with us, but as soon as he started doing this I took them back to Missouri to their real Mother.  I couldn't let them be dragged into the craziness.  Last night was terrible.  He is finally sleeping which means he won't go to work.  He told me last night that he was going to stay high until the New Year and then he was going to quit.  I laughed HYSTERICALLY.  We all know how New Year's resolutions go!!  I am going to try and contact a support group.  I don't know what else to do.  I feel so completely alone.  I am in a strange city, with no family here.  We manage a property together and he runs the maintenance crew.  I have had to try and do his job too, and I know nothing about maintenance.  Our employees don't understand what is going on.  His lips are so burned up and swollen that I am totally embarassed to be seen with him.  I'm sorry...I am rambling.  It is so strange how someone else's addictions make us loved ones act crazy too!!!!

[norco_no_more1960]

Do you have children?

I have seen my mom put up with my father's alcoholism for the entire 50 years of my life.  He has had several periods of time where he was sober but never more than 2  - 3 years.  But he always returns to his first love - alcohol.  

I'.m telling you this because your story reminds me so much of my parents. My dad was in a sober state when they met and married.  It was 2 years after they married that he started drinking again.

I wish my mom had found the strength to leave.  She attended Al Anon but didn't really learn how not to enable him.  She enabled him my entire life.

I think if you have children you need to seriously think of the effect of being a crack addict will have on them.

If you don't have children, I think you need to think of yourself and if you want to live like this.  Go to school, get a skill.  It is never too late.  I changed career fields at 39 years of age as a single parent of 3 children who received no child support.

Good luck.

Lisa

[confusedandhurt61]

ur right....i would only be living this way the rest of my life, and I can't do it.  I am hesitant to just pitch in the towel because jobs are so hard to come by.  I don't know how much longer I will have my sanity if I don't though.  I get so angry and upset with him that I now have an ulcer.  His crack addiction is killing me, not him!!!  

[Ballgame]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  I'm not sure how you can stay.  You want to deal with that the rest of your life?  Weird coming from someone who struggles with pain meds.  

[SLadylani]

I know this is completely overwhelming and to say the least, startling, but here is my suggestion. Get on your computer and google Alanon and find the nearest meeting to you. Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics, but family/friends of addicts are generally welcome. At this meeting I would suggest reaching out for help as the people there have been through, or are going through similar situations and may be able to offer guidance. If there is no way you can get to a meeting, i.e. too far, then read some of the literature online or call the 24hr available vnumber for guidance. Remember you're never alone, someone has always been through the same thing you have. Good luck to you and your husband