crack addicted husband

[confusedandhurt61]

I have been with my husband for 5 years now.  Recently, we moved to TX where he is from.  Three days after moving here he started smoking crack.  I was totally blown out of the water by this.  He had never used any kind of drugs the whole time we had been together.  Come to find out from his family, he has been a crack addict for about 20 years!  He had to leave TX to get himself clean.  I didn't know, and took a job smack dab in the middle of his "old stomping grounds" and as soon as the plane landed, he went looking.  I know I will never ever in a million years understand the need for it.  His actions are bizarre, and I just keep trying to make sense of it all.  I am probably still a little in denial since this just hit me three months ago.  How can a person go for 5 years without it and all of a sudden I can't turn my back on him for a minute.  He told me yesterday, "I am what I am and I'm an addict.  That is all I will ever be".  It seems like he has already made up his mind to live the "addict lifestyle".  I feel like a horrible person if I walk out on him, but I can't stand to see him act that way.  He always does it at home, and I have to sit and watch him peek around corners at me for hours.  I can't take it any more.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[confusedandhurt61]

Thank u Patrick, I will read it right now.  I have a REALLY stupid question, but I don't know if I am doing something that helps or hinders the situation.  I am the kind of person that needs to talk (as u can probably tell).  Talking through a situation or talking about my feelings helps me immensely.  Should I try and talk with him about how he is feeling?  He talks a lot, but not about the drugs...unless he is "in trouble".  So does bringing up the situation just make the cravings worse?  Does it help?  I am scared to just bring it up and then it makes him start thinking about wanting it.  See?  Probably a really stupid question......

[PinPinPatrick]

Hey please check this article out that I wrote this article based on my own experience and addiction to crack cocaine.  Maybe you can share it with your husband too.  He can stop, I stopped.  

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/132294/The-Nightmare-of-Crack?personal_page_id=573301

[confusedandhurt61]

Hi guys.....sorry I didn't post recently.  You all are the best for worrying about me!!!  I feel so supported!!  Well, we made it through yesterday.  We stayed in last night and he did drink. (something he does when he doesn't have any other substances).  Today and tomorrow I believe will be the worst.  I can see him getting anxious.  The signs are there...BUT we have no money right now.  We have always had a couple thousand dollar cushion in the bank, but since he has been using again that is gone.  Now financiallyhe is not able to buy any.  That will make him very moody I am sure.  He asked me day before yesterday who I was talking to on the computer.  I told him the truth.  I told him I was talking to ppl on a support group website.  I asked him if he wanted me to read some of the responses.  He actually said yes.  I read him some of the responses.  He really listened to what you all were saying.  He didn't say anything, but I believe it hit home with him.  I will post this evening........

[Jaybay]

Hope you're OK today and also hope to hear from you soon.  Like the others, you've been in my thoughts since yesterday.

[mellie4]

Please take the advice of those who have been down this path with addicts.  You will lose your soul to this.  I was married to an alcoholic who also ended up using drugs for fifteen years and lived with him four years prior to that.  We have four kids together, and I can't tell you the damage that's been done to all of us.  The guilt of what I exposed my kids to and put my family through will never go away.

I left after my mother died nearly five years ago.  The thought of her going to her grave knowing how unhappy I was is what did it for me.  If I could go back in time, I'd have left long ago.  Of course, I wouldn't change having my kids for anything, but living with an addict is terrible.

I put him through 12 rehabs and basically was a single mom my whole life, even when he lived with us.  There were legal problems and fees through the years for things ranging from drunk driving to assault and battery to breaking and entering (he broke down his girlfriend's door) to domestic abuse.  

I found myself isolating from my family and friends.  The embarrassment of him drunk and/or on drugs was too much.  I always put on a great act, and even today, very few people know what really went on.  The shame was so great, even though it wasn't my shame.  I found myself totally desensitized to the verbal and emotional abuse and even the physical abuse.  He was always sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again.  But it did.  Over and over.  And it always escalates.  Addiction is a progressive disease.

My story is long and ugly and probably similar to some of the other stories here.  The damage to your self-esteem will take a lifetime to recover from.  I know it's hard to leave someone you love and you think you can help but really, they can only help themselves.

Get support wherever you can ... here if you have no family near you.  Don't go through this alone.

[Kimberly Sue]

Just checking in again. The big night is over, and I hope yours was quiet. I thought of you often last evening. It was kind of like flashing back to so many not so happy new years eves.....and then I would look at my husband and feel so thankful that I have him.
Please let us know how you are doing. I don't want to be a pest, but it seems that things are really spiralling out of control (control is an illusion anyhow), and I worry about your safety and your own mental health.
Keep posting....we can help you if you want the help.
Kim