crack addicted husband

[confusedandhurt61]

I have been with my husband for 5 years now.  Recently, we moved to TX where he is from.  Three days after moving here he started smoking crack.  I was totally blown out of the water by this.  He had never used any kind of drugs the whole time we had been together.  Come to find out from his family, he has been a crack addict for about 20 years!  He had to leave TX to get himself clean.  I didn't know, and took a job smack dab in the middle of his "old stomping grounds" and as soon as the plane landed, he went looking.  I know I will never ever in a million years understand the need for it.  His actions are bizarre, and I just keep trying to make sense of it all.  I am probably still a little in denial since this just hit me three months ago.  How can a person go for 5 years without it and all of a sudden I can't turn my back on him for a minute.  He told me yesterday, "I am what I am and I'm an addict.  That is all I will ever be".  It seems like he has already made up his mind to live the "addict lifestyle".  I feel like a horrible person if I walk out on him, but I can't stand to see him act that way.  He always does it at home, and I have to sit and watch him peek around corners at me for hours.  I can't take it any more.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh my.  I'm so sorry you're going through all of this now.  What an awful turn of events for you.

I can only say that you must find help for him.  Whether that means starting with yourself by going to alanon meetings or finding a therapist to talk to, or actually getting some help from an outsider (a professional who deals with addiction and obviously someone you can trust) to step in and help.  But I bet someone at an alanon meeting or an addictionologist that you could speak to on your own could help get you in the right direction.

I pray you get some support on this and soon.  His "I am what I am and I'm an addict" is completely unacceptable and something you should NOT have to tolerate.  My sister has been a crack addict for years and she's constantly justifying her behavior in exactly the same way.  I really don't think this is something you can handle on your own.

My prayers are with you.  And I'm sure others will reply to you soon - you will get all kinds of support here.  The people here are wonderful.

[Jaybay]

You aren't a horrible person.  You're being a SMART person for removing yourself from what can quickly turn into a very dangerous situation.  There isn't one dam thing you can do to stop him from using.  Nothing.  The only thing you can do is protect your health and wealth.  He's at least being honest with you when he said he's an addict and that's all he'll ever be.  He told you everything you need to know.  He has no intention of living without using.  Period.  Listen to him!

Addicts relapse every day.  My husband relapsed after over 30 years.  I met him after he was clean and knowing nothing about addiction, I figured that was the end of it.  After 5 long years of watching the train wreck, he's over 3 months clean.  Now he has to deal with the alcohol.  I'm beat.

But back to you.  You didn't know what you were getting into when you married an addict.  Now is the time to learn.  Al-anon can help educate you and make whatever decisions are necessary for YOU to live a stable life.  You can't control your husband.  You can only control yourself.  

[confusedandhurt61]

Thanks guys....I guess I just need to hear that someone cares about me and really understands what I am going through.  I know nothing about addicts and I feel llike I am constantly doing the wrong thing.  He has spent out entire meager savings account since we have been here.  To make matters worse, we co-manage a property together.  I have had to make all kinds of excuses for him as to why he is not there at work.  I am just about ready to come clean with our boss.  It is just too much to handle.  I just don't get it......I am sooooooo depressed.

[SLadylani]

I know this is completely overwhelming and to say the least, startling, but here is my suggestion. Get on your computer and google Alanon and find the nearest meeting to you. Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics, but family/friends of addicts are generally welcome. At this meeting I would suggest reaching out for help as the people there have been through, or are going through similar situations and may be able to offer guidance. If there is no way you can get to a meeting, i.e. too far, then read some of the literature online or call the 24hr available vnumber for guidance. Remember you're never alone, someone has always been through the same thing you have. Good luck to you and your husband

[Ballgame]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  I'm not sure how you can stay.  You want to deal with that the rest of your life?  Weird coming from someone who struggles with pain meds.  

[confusedandhurt61]

ur right....i would only be living this way the rest of my life, and I can't do it.  I am hesitant to just pitch in the towel because jobs are so hard to come by.  I don't know how much longer I will have my sanity if I don't though.  I get so angry and upset with him that I now have an ulcer.  His crack addiction is killing me, not him!!!  

[norco_no_more1960]

Do you have children?

I have seen my mom put up with my father's alcoholism for the entire 50 years of my life.  He has had several periods of time where he was sober but never more than 2  - 3 years.  But he always returns to his first love - alcohol.  

I'.m telling you this because your story reminds me so much of my parents. My dad was in a sober state when they met and married.  It was 2 years after they married that he started drinking again.

I wish my mom had found the strength to leave.  She attended Al Anon but didn't really learn how not to enable him.  She enabled him my entire life.

I think if you have children you need to seriously think of the effect of being a crack addict will have on them.

If you don't have children, I think you need to think of yourself and if you want to live like this.  Go to school, get a skill.  It is never too late.  I changed career fields at 39 years of age as a single parent of 3 children who received no child support.

Good luck.

Lisa

[confusedandhurt61]

Thanks all for the support and advice.  You are all awesome!  We did have two of his small children living with us, but as soon as he started doing this I took them back to Missouri to their real Mother.  I couldn't let them be dragged into the craziness.  Last night was terrible.  He is finally sleeping which means he won't go to work.  He told me last night that he was going to stay high until the New Year and then he was going to quit.  I laughed HYSTERICALLY.  We all know how New Year's resolutions go!!  I am going to try and contact a support group.  I don't know what else to do.  I feel so completely alone.  I am in a strange city, with no family here.  We manage a property together and he runs the maintenance crew.  I have had to try and do his job too, and I know nothing about maintenance.  Our employees don't understand what is going on.  His lips are so burned up and swollen that I am totally embarassed to be seen with him.  I'm sorry...I am rambling.  It is so strange how someone else's addictions make us loved ones act crazy too!!!!

[Jaybay]

I'm more worried about a violent bout of cocaine psychosis since he's using so much on a daily basis.  It'll happen when he starts crashing and can't get any more.  Please, if you even think for one second that he is becoming violent, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.  Don't second-guess yourself.  Just go.  

One very smart person wrote something on this forum months ago when I came here, and it's stuck with me ever since.  "Support the recovery but not the addiction."  Your husband is very deep into his addiction right now and in a place that you can't reach him.  Your wealth is almost gone and he can't work in the state he's in.  It won't be long before every last cent you earn and then some goes right into his pipe, which leaves you in the position of enabler.  It's unconsious because right now you're in survival mode, but that's the end result.  There are no consequences to your husband's behavior yet because you're covering for him at work and probably other areas of life.  It's a normal reaction while we sort out the panic and try to understand what the h*ll happened to this person we loved.

Another very wise person here, gnarly, once said, "Our secrets keep us sick."  Oh boy is that true!  Apparently your husband's family did a great job of keeping his addiction a secret since you hadn't heard one word about it in all the years you've known and been married to him.  I seriously doubt he had much, if any, aftercare which allowed him to relapse so easily.  You never saw him go to an AAA or NA meeting did you?  Staying sober can be a life-long battle and he obviously never learned the skills to manage life sober.

I really am more worried about you right now.  Cocaine and methamphetamine abusers easily become violent as they come down.  They can hallucinate, become psychotic to the point of having schizophrenia-like symptoms.  The person you know isn't home anymore and you can't expect him to react to things as he once did.  This person is a stranger in a familiar shell and that's all he is.

Your husband's problem is bigger than you are.  Don't even think about taking this on by yourself.  If you eventually think an intervention is warranted (and you're still around), you'll need a professional to do it for your own safety.  Talk to his family and find out what he was like for the 20 years he used and what happened to get him clean for the few years that you've known him.  That's one way of learning what you're up against - IF they'll be straight up with you.

[Kimberly Sue]

Been there! I tried to stay with my cocaine/alcohol addict husband for as long as I could. In the end, he actually pushed me and our kids out of his life, which in the long run was the best thing that ever happened to me. He continued his drinking for many years, and died at age 47 from esophogeal varices.....varicose veins that develop in the esophogus when the live is too swollen to all appropriate blood flow into it. He was remarried, and walked out onto his porch, vomited 75% of his blood volume, was rushed by ambulance to the hospital, and died in pools of blood that were coming from almost every orifice of his body. It was terrible and grim. Our daughter had to be the one to tell them to stop life-saving measures. He left a legacy of being a dead beat dad, an upredictable alcoholic and drug user, known for his violence and cunning.
There is no easy was to say this, but get out of there right away. Get your focus on yourself and what you need to do to stand on your own 2 feet without support from him or any men like him. We tend to pick the same ones over and over.....
Go to school, see if you can get into a shelter of some kind, move far away if you have family far away that would welcome you. None of this will be easy, but at least it will be YOUR journey. He has his own journey to take, and you do not need to suffer his pitfalls while ingoring your own needs. It's about you, not him. Again...get out of there right away. I wish you luck....I had to make the same journey with 2 small children....I eventually ended up with a college degree and making good money...vacations, nice things for the kids, owned my own home......none of which would have been possible if I had stayed and tried to fight for his soul. He had to do that for himself, and never chose to face his realities. Best wishes.....you can do it, if you don't do the right thing for yourself, who will?

[ImDONENoMore]

Wow powerful story Kimberly Sue - and I so admire your courage to get out and get well.  Your family must be so so proud of you.  I'm so sorry you had to deal with such a difficult situation and the eventual passing of your ex.  How very sad.

[confusedandhurt61]

What exactly is cocaine psychosis?  He doesn't act like all the movies and programs I have seen depicting "crackheads".  (I feel horrible just saying that word!).  He gets very calm and compliant...almost child-like.  One of the things that shocks me the most about him, is that when he is high he always tells the truth.  When he isn't high, he lies about anything pertaining to the drug use.  He has never been violent.....but when I actually think about it, when he is coming down he gets edgy.  Mostly because he has upset me no bad that I won't talk to him and he starts yelling.  To get him to shut up, I ususually start talking to him.  Now today I have been "cool" to him, but because he decided to be a good boy today and not use he thinks I should be thrilled with him.   It's a horrible emotional rollercoaster.  Kimberly Sue, that was such an emotional story you shared.  That must have been truly horrible for you.  I feel like I am taking up too much of you all's time when there are probably people who need your help more than I do!!  I just don't have anyone to talk to that understands what I am going through.  

[PinPinPatrick]

Hi well just wanted to say I can relate to the addict as I have been there before.
Crack is extremely addictive, and the high really only lasts for a very short time.  5 to 10 minutes and probably within 20 minutes or so you already want more!  If you have access to it the entire supply will be used up until it's all gone for pretty much any crack user.    

It's very very hard on the brain, and the entire cardiovascular system.  Also very hard on the lungs too because of the high temperature of the crack vapor on the lungs.  Also users have a tendency to hold hits in to get the most amount of drug.

Cocaine psychosis is when people go on binges for days and don't sleep, in a case where they haven't slept, eaten, or slept... and have very very very low dopamine levels at almost all of the dopamine synapses.  The body wants to keep equilibrium so it makes less dopamine receptors at the receiving synapse.  When someone uses to that point they may go into a cocaine psychosis.  

It's very important for him to quit as soon as possible!  Let him know you care about him and love him!  That drug is very hellish and it has given me nightmares for even a year after being clean!   I think that drug felt like a very purely evil entity, like it's actually a demonic spirit!  I'm not even kidding I think that drug is actually an evil entity!  Just what I've seen it do to other people, even myself, the way it makes you feel after...  It posses people!

Wherever cocaine goes, hell follows every single time.

[Jaybay]

I see you falling into the same trap that I did for years.  Being "cool" to your husband won't change his behavior one little bit.  Mine does the same thing when he isn't drinking.  "See?  I'm drinking tea today.  You should be jumping for joy!"  Big deal.  It's a temporary condition and I know what's coming in the next day or two.  That's only part of the hell and chaos that substance abuse brings to relationships.

Your husband is a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen.  After 20 years of cocaine abuse, I guarantee you his cardiovascular system is already in big trouble.  He could easily be one pipe away from death.  He could also be one crash away from psychosis.  If that happens, it's not him.  Your husband won't be in there.  There is no reasoning with a person in that state which is why they can quickly become violent.  Like Patrick said, "Wherever cocaine goes, hell follows every single time."  It's just a matter of time.

Have you been able to talk to any of your in-laws about what your husband was like in his past using years?  Do you have any support at all from them?

[Kimberly Sue]

With any addiction, it is often the partner of the addict that suffers the most, and comes up with a variety of reasons to try to rescue the addict. I hate to say this, but get out of there. That may be the only wake up call you can really give him. Seeking treatment "for him", seeking support systems "for him" adjusting your own behavior "for him"....all makes you almost as sick as the addict. The hard facts are that the best way for you (and him) to get free of this life controlling issue is for you to leave, permanently. Very, very hard to do.....an ultimate sacrifice on your part that he will never appreciate. Turn to your family (if they are healthy), or turn to other support groups. Map out a plan for supporting yourself, living by yourself, and making your own decisions. Find somewhere that you can get counseling to understand what it is in you that has brought out strong co-dependency.  I was more or less forced to take those steps, but in the end had a Bach degree, made good money, and waited 20yrs to find my husband....a non user, gentle, loving man that I can trust and do not have to play any caretaking roles with. It was definately worth the wait.
Focus on yourself....
Blessed Be

[confusedandhurt61]

Wow....such informative answers!!  Yes, I agree that I try and "rationalize" everything.  It's easier to hide behind excuses than it is to face the truth.  It is crazy, but in a way I feel like I am the one that is doing something wrong.  I live from hour to hour trying to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't get away from me.  The minute I can't find him I know I am done.  I wake up every morning wondering if this will be a "good day or a bad day".  I did try to talk to his family about it.  I found a niece that was willing to give me a LITTLE background.  I guess he started this back in his early 20's.  He also has a brother and sister that are addicts.  Evidently, he was the worst one out of the bunch.  It got so bad that his family avoided him at all costs.  His wife at the time left him and moved out of state.  About 2 months later he moved out of state with her and went into rehab.  He has been in-patient rehab 2 or 3 times over this.  His usage went down to maybe once in a year.  Until I moved him right back into the area where this all started. I didn't know.  I am very naieve (probably spelled wrong).  I have never been around anything like this.  I am considering my next step.......God this is HARD!!!  I just want it to all go away!!!  I keep thinking it might just stop.  Maybe he will "wake up".  I know it isn't going to happen.  I just hope it might.  His mother has been very nice to me.  Her answer for everything is to pray on it.  I believe in God, and believe me lately I have been on speed dial with him, but it doesn't seem like it is helping.

[norco_no_more1960]

You didn't make this situation and you can't fix it.  Only your husband can.  Have you heard of codependency?  Google it.  You'll get a lot of information.  Melody Beattie has written several books on it.

I'm sure you are exhausted.  Emotionally and physically.  Please seriously consider getting out.  Your husband will likely not improve until you do.

All of this is just my two cents worth.  But I care.

Lisa

[Jaybay]

What do you mean "until I moved him right back"?!  I hear a lot of blame being directed at yourself and my dear, I won't stand for it.  Guilt is a wasted emotion so kick it out of your life.  The guilty parties here are your husband and his family who swept his addiction under the rug and "gave it up to God."  Well, God helps those who help themselves.  Your in-laws knew damn-well that you two were going back into the jaws of the dragon and not one of them bothered to say a word to you?!!

I'm appalled that neither your husband nor anyone in his family told you about his addiction problems.  You thought you were getting someone completely different that what you got.  That is not your fault.  You were sold a pack of lies tied up in a pretty package.  Something tells me your in-laws are just glad to have him off their hands - and on yours.  Don't expect any help from them.

Kimberley Sue nailed it in one sentence.  When you change your behavior "for him" YOU are the one in trouble.  You're on the slippery slope of losing your own identity to your husband's addiction.  Look at what you've had to do already that you normally wouldn't do.  You've had to lie for him at work and try to cover for him.  You're trying to behave like a DEA cop while you watch him every possible moment, and it doesn't work.  He will ALWAYS find a way to use no matter what tactics you use.  You can't change him, but he sure is changing you.

I hear you that you aren't ready to walk out the door yet.  I know you have to come to that conclusion in your own way and time.  If this wasn't a case of crack addiction I wouldn't be quite so worried.  

While you wrap your mind around all this, please do yourself one favor.  Prepare yourself with a one-minute escape plan.  I am deadly serious about this.  You may never need to enact it, but if you do you'll thank yourself for preparing.  Keep a bag in a SECURE location packed and ready to grab and go at a moment's notice.  Start stashing money in it and make sure it contains every last scrap of information about your financial and married life.  If you have a laptop computer, get used to storing it in your bugout bag.  Keep an extra set of house and car keys in the bag.  Keep all prescription meds in the bag.  You see where I'm going with this right?  It's the same thing as being prepared to evacuate from any natural disaster, and right now you're preparing to evacuate from Hurricane Crack.

[confusedandhurt61]

Jaybay, your words really hit home with me.  That is why I keep getting on here and talking.  To know someone has been through this, or knows the world of the addict and co-depenent, is so helpful to me.  You are definitely right.  I should not carry the guilt of this horrible situation.  I am tired of trying to babysit him 24/7.  It is exhausting both emotionally and physically.  This is a long weekend.  From experience I know that it will probably be a bad one.  Lisa...just to hear someone say they care....you don't know how uplifting and supported that makes me feel.  I will be back on later...thank you to everyone that has had advice and kind words for me!!!

[Kimberly Sue]

Just checking in to see how you are doing. The holiday weekends are often crisis times....especially New Years Eve. It's like every alcoholic and addict feels that New Years is a license to get blasted out of their minds. I used to hate New Year's Eve.....my ex and I were very socially active in our community, and therefore had multiple invitations to party's. Inevitably, he would get out of control wasted on whatever his drug/drink of choice was for the night. And of course, I was always the "designated driver". I can remember one night that his buddies had to force him into the car, he had a tantrum while I was driving, kicked in the windshield from inside, pushed me into the back seat, and took over driving.....up on lawns, hitting poles, sideswiping parked cars. We got home, and he proceeded to kick the crap out of me because I had made him leave the party....he did'nt realize that it was his "buddies" that had had enough of him and made him get in the car. When I called the police (half of whom were his cousins or old friends from school), I was told to take my kids and go stay with a friend! They didn't even talk about arresting him!
That was just one night of hundreds that was a nightmare. I stayed as long as I could....it never gets better when the cycle of dependence/co-dependence keeps turning. You will be in my thoughts and meditations tonight....I wish you peace for tonight, or at least safety. Keep posting....I will do all I can to support you.
Kim

[Jaybay]

I so agree with you Kimberley.  Tonight will be brutal.  Over the past several years I've isolated myself from my husband and any kind of social activity.  It always involves drinking - or worse - and I just had enough of it.  My husband still doesn't understand that when I said, "I refuse to go to any more parties with you" I meant it.  He never got violent with me or anyone else, but his behavior was embarrassing, repulsive, disgusting, disgraceful and dangerous to himself and others where driving was concerned.  

confused - see, this is what happens to people who live with an addict.  It's a chaotic and toxic emotional battlefield.  We end up isolating ourselves from social activities and life in general to either "take care of" or cover for the addicted spouse.  One thing you'll learn in Al-anon is that it's OK to still love your spouse.  You can love the person but hate the addiction.  Detach - with love.  Right now, your husband's addiction is ruling both your lives and he's made you a hostage to it right along with him.

Tonight and tomorrow will probably be rough for you.  Please get that bugout bag ready to go just in case!

[Kimberly Sue]

Just checking in again. The big night is over, and I hope yours was quiet. I thought of you often last evening. It was kind of like flashing back to so many not so happy new years eves.....and then I would look at my husband and feel so thankful that I have him.
Please let us know how you are doing. I don't want to be a pest, but it seems that things are really spiralling out of control (control is an illusion anyhow), and I worry about your safety and your own mental health.
Keep posting....we can help you if you want the help.
Kim

[mellie4]

Please take the advice of those who have been down this path with addicts.  You will lose your soul to this.  I was married to an alcoholic who also ended up using drugs for fifteen years and lived with him four years prior to that.  We have four kids together, and I can't tell you the damage that's been done to all of us.  The guilt of what I exposed my kids to and put my family through will never go away.

I left after my mother died nearly five years ago.  The thought of her going to her grave knowing how unhappy I was is what did it for me.  If I could go back in time, I'd have left long ago.  Of course, I wouldn't change having my kids for anything, but living with an addict is terrible.

I put him through 12 rehabs and basically was a single mom my whole life, even when he lived with us.  There were legal problems and fees through the years for things ranging from drunk driving to assault and battery to breaking and entering (he broke down his girlfriend's door) to domestic abuse.  

I found myself isolating from my family and friends.  The embarrassment of him drunk and/or on drugs was too much.  I always put on a great act, and even today, very few people know what really went on.  The shame was so great, even though it wasn't my shame.  I found myself totally desensitized to the verbal and emotional abuse and even the physical abuse.  He was always sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again.  But it did.  Over and over.  And it always escalates.  Addiction is a progressive disease.

My story is long and ugly and probably similar to some of the other stories here.  The damage to your self-esteem will take a lifetime to recover from.  I know it's hard to leave someone you love and you think you can help but really, they can only help themselves.

Get support wherever you can ... here if you have no family near you.  Don't go through this alone.

[Jaybay]

Hope you're OK today and also hope to hear from you soon.  Like the others, you've been in my thoughts since yesterday.