how many times did you relaps

[bama88]

I'm starting a new thread. My question is what's the average relapse. I couldn't even make it three days. Three little days. When I say that it sounds so trivial. Ive got so much working against me. I have absolutely no support. My husband is always always using. That's extremely hard. Then my pain got the best of me. I realized how much pain I'm really in. I realized the death grip.the pills have on our mind. It's such a battle. I made such a rash decision about my addiction. Plus my pain. I'm really lost right now. I found na meetings. I don't think I can do this the way I tried. I really am angry and depressed. Please respond about relapsing. I need help ASAP. I want to beat this disease but I'm nothing but a complete failure.

[ricart70]

Hi Bama,you are not a complete failure.I think you will make it.You are serious and I can tell that.Some people I can tell when they are not.
I will tell you that I did not realize how hard it was to quit either.When I really started trying to quit I realized that it was not easy.I am not counting this last relapse because I had over 2.5 years clean before this.I tried once went to rehab and relapsed after 20 days minutes from arriving home from rehab.Amonth later I tried again.I went 23 days on my own.I was really going to aa and all of that sponsors steps etc.It did not work for me(not saying it wouldn't work for you-everyone is different)couldn't stay clean.Somewhere in that I made up my mind and found some good books to read about recovery that I agreed with and that 3rd try lasted 2.5 years and my life was infinitely better than it had ever been.I also have depression pretty bad so I have to treat that also.A series of things happened and I used again for almost a year.I did not have to use though I made the decision I was not powerless I just chose to say f-it.That was a bad decision.I am now over 2 months clean again from an even much more huge habit this time.I hope this helps.Just hang in there and keep trying and learn from the mistakes.It's just like anything you get better at it.We are still here for you no matter what  

[doingitalone]

ohhh its OK don't worry!!!! when you say "My husband is always using" .. i know how hard it is. the rate of relapse is different between everyone... do not think that 3 days is trivial, the fact is, 3 days is enough to show that you CARE about quitting!!! i know it feels like you have no support because when i quit using, i made my name "doingitalone" because my husband still used and i felt like i was doing it alone, with no support. and then i came here.. and everyone here is SO supportive. really, without the support of everyone here i wouldn't have made it as far as i did. i made it 6 weeks without relapse and have another 3 days clean after that. this was just the last time i quit.. before that i felt lucky to last even 3 days.

[wantitdone]

I have relapsed soooo many times, at times after 16 days clean c/t....at times after 3 days....this is a cycle... feeling this time I had to change it up...I have gone to and addiction specialist (one on one works for me ) a medical doctor,, told a few close friends what iam going thru and committing to do this.as u know, this can be done!!! we are not failures,this is a serious addiction, my md asked if I had depression prior to starting my 8 yr addiction, thought long & hard and prior to my addiction i was geniunely happy? i want that back, i want to laugh till my belly hurts. i had sooooo many triggers this weekend and i made it, did nott reach for a tab , kept busy, music.... i keep thinking about what iam going to buy for myself after 6 mos,  after relapsing u tend to beat the helll out urself, this is bad, it can make u give up and the cycle continues...you are hear now stay in the sober light, think about your sober life find what help works for you....right now it is all you & your sobriety...good luck

[bama88]

So do I start over tomorrow? I only took a half of a 20mg of.contin time release? I bit it in two pieces and only took a half. It didn't really fix the withdrawal symptoms but it did take away the physical pain. Because I took only 10mgs compared to the 100mgs a day I'm prescribed how bad will this affect my detox? Or do I need to look at it as a complete relaps. Or should I taper.

[ricart70]

No don't taper at this point.You only took 10 mgs and this will not really affect your withdrawal.You still got your 3 days,maybe not on paper or aa rules or whatever but physiologically this is just a minor setback.JUST do not take any more and go on with this.I would get some aleve and advil and load up on that to dull the pain.You must have pretty strong jaws and teeth on you to bite one of those 20 mg oxys in half.lol trying to make yuo laugh.Hang in there.You can make it

[bama88]

Thanks guys. I'm so glad I found this site. I talked to my husband about it. He said he will.support my decision. He admitted he can't quit and I am ok with that. I told him to move the safe in another place so I can't see it. I told him about this site and he's proud I'm trying to get help. I watched him this weekend run around acting so stupid. He is unaware of his actions. He forgets everything. I worry about him living a long life. I think he has altimezer disease. He can't remember basic things. He needs his own help. But I need to concentrate on me. Before I found this site I thought I was too good to be an addict. Everyone was patient with me and helped me realize I am a pill junkie. And just because I'm middle class this disease dosent discriminate. Plus it helps to know I'm not the only one battling this. Usually I'm a very positive person. But I noticed when they switched me to oxies i started suffering from depression. Is depression a side effect of the disease or medication?

[ricart70]

Yes depression is a big side effect of all opiates.It is way worse than the regular depression too.It makes my normal depression seem pleasant lol

[doingitalone]

i just want to say that it is possible to quit while your husband is using but it is going to be VERY HARD. it is possible to do, though, i did it, just try not to feel resentful of him because he is using and you are not, which is what was the hardest part of me trying to quit. good luck... keep posting.

[bama88]

I can't take alive. What about ibeprofen? Is the pain real or from withdraws? Remember I've been fighting bleeding under my knee cap with a torn ligaments and blood clots. The doc drained more fluid. He did give me a script of twenties saying I need to taper from the forties. I came clean with him today for the first time. I've known him for five years. I haven't filled my script because I have about thirty twenties left over I didn't flush. But I didn't feel the half of the pill as far as getting high. It just calmed my pain. Not the withdrawals.

[bama88]

It's hard watching someone you love hurt themselves. I'm scared when I'm clean I won't like him anymore. He is so deep in his addiction. He bought more pills this weekend. Then lost them and accused me of stealing them. That really hurt me bad

[bama88]

If I up my antidepressant will that help block.craving? My doctor upped my cymbalta to sixty mgs instead of thirties plus introduced abilify and clondine? I filled those but not the oxies.

[ricart70]

I don't think it will take away your cravings but could help in a couple of weeks.I think the clonidine will help though.It's hard I know but it's just going to take a few more days until you feel better.

[bama88]

So even though I just took a tenth it won't affect my detox? It just kicked my a** emotionally. And why is my husband blaming me for everything? He's becoming mean. And worries don't get it anymore. I'm really scared about going to work. That's when my pain gets in the way of my concentration. Plus all the trips to the bathroom. When will i stop.throwing up? Should I take some phenergane to stop nausea? And why did my doctor say its dangerous to stop oxies cold turkey

[overopiates]

I just want to say(I didn't read the other responses so hope I'm not repeating)that ur not a failure at all.I want to to know2HUGE things.1st that u need to know and believe that@3days THAT PAIN is NOT ur real pain level.It detox pain which is awful.U need to b clean a few weeks to know that but will notice a HUGE drop n pain after just a week.2nd is I couldn't image trying to quit w/an active user n ur home.That's a huge battle n itself.U need so much willpower to do that and as we all know addicts r not known for willpower(or patience which is why at day3which is usually the worst pain wise u caved).Also give urself credit for those3days.That's not a small accomplishment especially when someone is using right next to u.Relapse rate is huge.I can't believe I haven't yet(don't plan on it and will fight to the bitter end not to but I know as soon as an addict says they won't ever they usually do soon after).I never tried to quit before.When I did quit my husband who has been great does not use,I am not n the state I was where I had connections to get stuff,told my doctor of my addiction,he put that n my medical records so even if I wanted2I couldn't go2a different doctor cause he would c my records w/that info.I told the pharmacy too.I have no"friends"that use etc.I do have my husbands  relatives who take meds but there older,responsible so that's not a factor anymore.U have to get urself n a SAFE DRUG FREE environment if u can for the best chance of quitting.Good luck

[ricart70]

I stopped throwing up after 3 days.If you are otherwise healthy it is not really dangerous.The blood pressure is the main thing and you have clonidine for that.You are almost through the worst

[overopiates]

Ur husband might b angry because u want to quit,e showing effort,admitting I have a problem.That may be making him feel like crap cause he isn't ready2quit.As for AD meds they don't take cravings away BUT they do help once u get throufh the5-7day physical w/d period u will b happy and a lot of us use because of depression and w/o depression that's1less trigger.Have u been using pepto+immodium?That should help a ton w/the bathroom and nausea.Especially taking immodium at work.I took tons it helps so much.I was so nauseous(didn't throw up)but drank pepto for days.

[bama88]

But back to one question. Should I taper do to the doc warning. Stepping down from 100 mgs to 40 mgs a day for pain or just ct tomorrow first day at work since my surgery. And see why I want to go to hospital for detox. To get away from husband. I need advise.

[overopiates]

Well I just wanna ask do u honestly think u can taper w/o over taking?I'm gonna b honest u will probably NOT like ur husband once u get sober.U will c how gross,ugly,selfish and all consuming addiction is.well u already got a bit when he accused u of stealing those pills and that's just the beginning.If u think u can taper down then try I as most can't taper.If I were u I would c/t.As for going2the hospital2get away from him.If I were u I would want to go anywhere away from him cause he is a HUGE trigger.

[bama88]

Please don't think I'm coping out when i say this. But I am going to try and taper. I've never really tried anything until I found this site before. I've just always had that little voice inside my head telling me one day you'll have to stop. I knew that. And when I read the posts on here it helped me realize this. I'm really really scared now. Especially after this weekend and seeing the hold they have on me. I'm gonna take a twenty mg tomorrow before I go to work. I have looked up an na meeting to attend after work. I am going to.check it out. I am ready to take back my life. It was such a huge step throwing away all those pills even though I Hung on to my old script. My daughter found out about my post and wants to help. I know she's so young but I told her I am getting help. Her response was ok mommy. But what about daddy?  She knows daddy worst than me. But I come first now. I'm ready. I keep thinking about her. She has pertha disease. It's the same as hip displasia she went thru three major hip surgeries at the age of ten. Ten. Her leg is shorter by two inches she uses a crutch everyday. She's in marching band she understands pain. I'm scared one day shell end up dependant on pills. Only time will tell. But its my responsibility as a parent to come off pills. The reasons are endless. Id love to give her my meds to hold but that is so wrong on so many levels. The only reason I say that is she's so strong willed. As all 13 are. But I won't do that. Talk about f***ING up a kid so I'm on my own. I will do this on my own. I want my mind back. I won't spend another minute getting mad about the half of pill I took. Tomorrow is a new day. I dont know if I can stay at my house while he's using but I don't have anywhere to go except the hospital. And i have the insurance that will pay. I am going to keep on moving forward and if I can't make it on my own I will check in to detox center. But I think I can beat this with you all helping and na meetings. I will go tomorrow..and maybe going back to work will.distract my mind. I noticed the throwing up is getting better. Maybe by tomorrow ill be better on that and my stomache will calm down. I haven't ate much. As far as j is concerned. That's hobby he will be passed out when I get home. Thank goodness A my daughter is old enough to be self.sufficient until I get home. If I find myself reaching for more pills ill check in to hospital for detox. I have a plan of action now. Friday when I started all I had was anger. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

[overopiates]

U can do this.I would want to be away from him especially during detox.That way u can do it w/o temptation from him.I looked through the all the posts go c/t.I too take cymbalta(60mg a day).I was taking them a few weeks b4I quit I didn't think AD meds were working(had tried others didn't help used cymbalta years ago it worked)I couldn't figure out why after2-3months of taking them I didn't feel better.Then around  day8-9I was happy.Not out of sorts just not depression.Opiate use makes it virtually impossible to give AD meds a chance to work.I've been told cymbalta is among the absolute best ad meds(a lot of people don't get them cause no insurance there$150-$225a month depending on pharmacy I get samples from my doctor thank god).They will start releasing  seratonin+neurpenphrin back n2ur brain.Opiates LITERALLY use all/most of the seratonin and ur body only produces so much.I hope u have started them.U will feel surprised at how normal u  will feel so quickly.

[dede2121]

I have relapsed so many times. I am all alone so I have NO ONE to talk to. I think u should do whatever it takes to get clean. I am fighting everyday for this. I really can't say much cause I only have 3 days

[bama88]

I caved in dede. I got so scared going to the doctor today. They have been draining my knee. Thanks for reaching out to me. I tried really hard to make you smile last night. I hope your doing better tonight. Now its my turn in the barrel. Lol

[dede2121]

U did make me smile. Don't be hard on urself. I understand how u feel. Just keep pushing forward. We can do this.

[bama88]

All of you people are the best. I'm just a simple southern country girl at heart. I work hard play hard and pray even harder. I've been through the finger the last five years with one trauma after another in my family. There were times I didn't think id make it. Times I wanted to just end it all. People always tell me I'm so strong but deep inside I have so many fears its unreal. As positive as I am I have my dark side. No im not bipolar. But I know people who are. My best friend was. She passed away last year from cancer. I miss her terribly. This site is a true testimate God is still with us answering addict prayers. Because I believe these pills are the devils candy. ( want some candy little girls and boys) lol. I will not let my slip up stop me. I've got three days under my belt. Next time I will pray God gives me.strength. I will need it. I thought the doctors were suppose to help you. Not hurt you. The truth about this drug is even if you take them as prescribed it will grab hold.of you and make it your slave. Addicted or dependant your body and mind wants it. Medicine has turned into a racket of big business..I didn't ask for addiction it happened. I find it really cool and inspiring I have a new life waiting for me. I know i have a lot of work to.do. and with ya'all on my side I will do it. I'm at baby steps but at least I'm moving foward