in a bad place guys...so lost right now.

[this_big]

Seems like the only time I come here is when I'm on my ***, and for that I'm sorry. I could really use some positive words right now whether Via written kick in the *** or otherwise.
Sorry if this is all over the place, my head is all over the place.

Here I am AGAIN... broke, busted, and disgusted. I found this site back in 08 09.. Id give my right arm to be back there right now! This crap has gotten WAY outta control. I started Subutex back around July. Its been going really well...I say that but really thinkin about it..its not! Was started @16mgs a day..haven't taken anymore than 12. No less either! According to my "contract" I'd be dosed down every 3 months...yeah..that hasn't happened. This Dr is no better that my PM Dr. He just wants that $150 every month. Its funny because my visit printout every month says we talked about the importance of aftercare and all kinds of crap...Never happens! I go in pee in a cup and wait for a Dr to come in and ask me.." just need your refill?"..yep! And I'm on my way. I've just taken advantage of the situation. Wish I'd never gone that route... Or did a lil more research on the subject/Dr.. ugh.. Brings me to where I'm at... I missed my appt this month...3 weeks ago..since then in search of some relief from the WD I have blown over a grand in pills...funny..I haven't had the $200 to pay for Dr/Rx.I have smoked crack...bad idea BTW!!!! And my newest adventure..Neddles!! I can't believe I just typed that. That **** makes so sick to my stomach to even hold one...ugh.. its crazy cause in the back of my head I'm justifying this crap. "Its okay your holding a crack pipe cause you feel like ****. I'm only gonna bang these pills till I can get back to the Dr"..yeah..I'm starting to crave that ****. And that's crazy cause I've NEVER craved a " buzz" from pills..only to feel "normal" whatever the hell that is...  This has gotten way the **** outta control. I just don't know if I have it in me to go through friggen WD again.. I always think that! I always think that my situation couldn't be worse...***** slap!! Oh yes the **** it can!!! Unreal!! Progression right?? I HATE I was dealt this card!! I HATE being an addict!!

I know ultimately its up to me to get clean. I'm trying to do something different by coming here instead of running out and getting something. I know if I do I'm gonna put it in a needle... my family can NOT find me that way. The last one I think about got me...I cannot my believe my life has come to this...unfrigginbelievable!!!

[Whollymolythathurt]

Good for you and keep it up.  32* days here and I still battle the mental $hit.  You made me laugh with the emotional stuff.  Through this 32 days I've found myself tearing up over stupid $hit...watching commercials for puppies, or cancer centers and I'm a mess.

Keep it going and continue to post bud.

[Jenny9906]

You SHOULD be very proud of yourself!! The things you did show just how much you are ready to take your life back! Way to go!

[atthebeach]

Thanks for the awesome update.
Good for you. Making some needed changes to set yourself up
For continued success and recovery.

[this_big]

Thx guys!.. hands down hardest phone call ever..still eating at me

[ActingBrandNew]

Good for you!

[clean_in_ks]

Well just WAHOO....SHOUT IT OUT FOR YOU!!!
You made some VERY important and fabulous decisions today!

Setting yourself up to win is really a no brainer....but we want to hold on don't we?  I'm so glad to hear you ended it with this gf....you're right....we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with....so choosing wisely if we want to stay clean is CRITICAL.

Plus:

At some point, you'll have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life."

Keep knockin em down....you'll meet your deadline if you stay clean...suit up and show up....good for you!!!!!